To hate spending Christmas with my DIL

[NanaZoZo]

I have 2 DC and one DSD, DS married, lives down south, has a 2 year old. DD and DSD live in Australia.
DS and DIL have taken over the hosting of Christmas. My DCs dad and I split when they were tiny (1 and 4) so for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.
Here is the issue - I hate it. It’s not necessarily over the top, it’s traditional. She likes everyone to dress up nicely, they buy expensive food (think Harrods and Fortnum and Mason). Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me. I’d rather we stayed in PJs till noon, then threw on Christmas jumpers and had a nice roast. The day is quite rigid in her mind, it has to be Chinese on Christmas Eve even if we don’t fancy it, dinner is at 2 no negotiations on that either, she spends about an hour playing us Christmas songs on the piano and we all have to go a walk after dinner even if you just want to nap!!
Now like I say she’s lovely and it comes from a good place (she just wants DGD to have positive Christmas memories and tradition). But I really hate it, we had 2021 (when they had a 4 month old and still put on this grand Christmas) so it’s back to us this year, and I just can’t bring myself to look forward to it.
I’m half tempted to say we will come down on Boxing Day and spend the day lazily with DH and the dog. But I do want to see DGD on Christmas and I know she sill probably be more engaged this year which will make for fun. It would also be difficult to explain why we weren’t coming down as there is nothing keeping us up here. DH also thinks it’s just worse this year as last year we went to Australia for Christmas, and it was a busy one too (DSD has 3 kids to the DGC were ruling the day) so we haven’t had a chill at home Christmas since Covid.
WIBU to say we aren’t going down until Boxing Day, knowing it will probably hurt DIL, or should I suck it up, get in the festive spirit, go along with it all so we are part of DGD happy Christmas?

There's a lot to be said about a person being adaptable.
If not neurodivergent, it shows good upbringing that was based in gratitude, acknowledgement that one is but an atom in the world, a lack of narrow mindedness and a sense of security.
OP...did you have a shittier upbringing than your daughter in law? You really do not seem like a nice person . You're kind of backstabby and badmind.
And lacking imagination as to if your DIL could possibly be a Mumsnet lurker ( parent of young child and all) with all the identifying markers that don't meet your approval that you mention.
If you like her, God help your enemies.

the festive cunts

@spitefulandbadgrammar

You know this is probably important to your son too right? Look at the Christmases he has had growing up. Split between two households. Not seeing his mother on Christmas Eve, then having to leave his father on Christmas day. It's disruptive and not fun. I imagine he wants it to be very different for his own child. Something more stable and peaceful. Traditional. I think it would be very hurtful if you decided not to spend Christmas with him.

If you hate it so much can you just dip in to the parts you want to participate in and go home?

Perhaps you can work towards a new tradition, your Ex goes for CE, CD, BD. You arrive BD and stay for a few days then?

Or go for New Year?

I don't understand what the question is? You ask is it U to go down on boxing day. Does that mean you'll stay for Christmas or not? Are you asking if it's ok to keep it short including Christmas or are you saying you want to miss Christmas altogether? My thoughts are if you are going down for boxing day you might as well stay for Christmas as it might look quite rejecting and quite pointed otherwise.

I'm kind of with you OP as her Christmas as you describe it as "grand" sounds a bit like it's trying to impress or create something in a very controlled way rather than just allowing people to relax a bit more. Perhaps you feel like you're expected to act impressed or you feel like you're there as an audience or maybe it irritates you in some ways because the expense of the decorations seems OTT for you. I can't know. It sounds a little rigid and samey. But you also sound like you have some understanding of why this is and you genuinely like your DIL so maybe go with that more.

Can you not bring in the more informal elements and your grandkids might appreciate that. It sounds a little like she might be a bit anxious to make Christmas a certain way due to the reasons you state and that anxiety means it's not that relaxing. Most people sit about watching tv for a large chunk of christmas. Which isn't necessarily that fun either. But sitting about formally can be extremely tiring particularly if that's not your style.

If you are there regularly, like every other year, perhaps you could bring a more fun aspect. Is there stuff you could offer to help with? Or ways of bringing in some small informal elements here and there with your grandchild? Playing before christmas dinner or reading them a story or just something where you can show appreciate and be part of things but in a more relaxed way. Perhaps getting a bit more involved might make you feel less like an audience member?
From her point of view she's putting a lot of time and effort in and doing the meal and everything which has to be remembered. Maybe being less worried about taking a bit of time here and there to go and read a book or listen to the radio or something. Yes you might be guilted about this but a bit of refresh time on your own here and there means you can come back into things with more energy and not let irritations build up. Men often are given far more leeway to take a bit of time out than women who are expected to play certain family roles and that annoys me. The best way might be even to make a joke about yourself. If you don't want to walk you can joke about your terrible laziness/unfitness/mud phobia/preference to get involved in a good book/inability to move after eating too much, whatever it is. As long as people don't feel rejected or that you are being sniffy about their plans for the sake of it but owning your own choices, I doubt they would mind so much.

Looking a bit ‘deeper’ is it that you feel your DIL has created something that you wish you could have given your own DC’s. A bit of resentment that your son is experiencing this now?

If Christmas is such an issue, take some control. Every third year Christmas for just you and hubby. Do what you want. Planned well ahead your DC’s will be fine with a new ‘rota’. In fact, they might be delighted too!

Last year, we set a new ‘pattern’ so that we can spend one Christmas ‘just us’ and the next a big family Christmas. DC’s are happy that they have more freedom to plan what they want to do as well, time alternate years with partners families, time for a holiday, less expectation on them.

We chose an amazing Christmas holiday in Budapest, for the two of us last year. I’m really ready to host a family Christmas this year.

Take charge, communicate, don’t be a martyr!

luckily they keep the decor classy

Phew! 🙄

Are they planning any more sprogs, she might relax a bit once there are two little crotch goblins to wrangle

But yeah suck it up

In my house Christmas music starts in November, an hour of carols on Christmas Day is a lightweight effort.

Bring some chocolates you like.

I feel for your DIL. One day every other year and you can’t be happy to join in and appreciate the effort she puts in as you’d rather treat Christmas Day like a normal Saturday but with a big dinner? Awful.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I'm torn between thinking you're a bit of a joyless grinch and wondering how I would feel if forced to watch performance caroling for an hour.

I would cut your visit shorter, you really don't need to go from 23-27th. Arrive on 24th so it's not such a long trip and maybe stop for a night somewhere on the way home as a treat to yourselves.

I would go and try to be gracious about it, but equally you're not conscripts so if you don't want to go for a walk you absolutely don't have to. On the music front, could you excuse yourself say by offering to tidy up or something- make it into a big treat for them - and you get to avoid the singing?

But Hotel Chocolat chocolates are lovely, Quality Street are horrible

I grew up having shit shows of Christmas days. Hated them for years. Spent far too many decades people pleasing. Now I love Christmas because as a family, we do what we want to. I love a Hallmark Christmas film, but living in one would be my idea of hell. The piano playing and singing would have me trying not to laugh with the cringe of it. It’s like watching come dine with me and someone decides to sing or read a poem, it gives me the toe curls no matter how good they might be. Pjs, I’m not a pj wearer, but Christmas Day I’ll relax in them til mid morning.
I have no advice for you OP. I suppose I wanted to let you know that not everyone enjoys the grand showy off stuff and I get where you’re coming from. If I was in your position I’d probably suck it up, drink too much wine and hope I wouldn’t be invited again 😁.

So the only thing she is asking of you really is to get dressed on Christmas day?

She is being a lovely and very generous Christmas host with absolutely nothing unreasonable in there, but because it is not how YOU would do it you are being a big grump about it.

As many pp say, get over yourself, be thankful you have a family who want you there and suck it up.

I think PP came up with the best solution. Your ex gets Christmas eve and Christmas day, you get boxing day and the day after. Every year.

You never have to stand around a piano again. You can sit in your pyjamas eating quality street.

Op- I'm in a similar position (London from the North for 4 days). Christmas Day is also a lot less relaxed than I would choose. In my case it's a rigid timetable and a massively complex meal that puts the cooks in a bad mood before they eat (and leaves me with an hour's washing up when I would like to digest). I also love them very much and want to see them.

I find it much easier to just mentally surrender to what they want and stop comparing to how I'd like it.

I plan a really lovely few days afterwards where I do exactly what I want. The house is cleaned/sheets changed before I travel, a food delivery order is planned for my return, firewood is stocked, a lovely book is ready and I'll have recorded exactly what I want to watch. Christmas is for family, days around New Year for my personal indulgence.

Are you retired? If so you have plenty of days to chill out at home. Just go and enter into the spirit. We all do things we don’t really enjoy sometimes for the sake of good relationships. I would say the same if it was the other way round with a DIL asking ( although I think it might get a different response on here). You don’t know when you’re lucky, many grandparents don’t get to see their grandchildren.

The sad thing is that Op’s DIL probably thinks everything is nice and dandy.

I think that you are being unfair to your DIL . She is probably overcompensating after having a shitty childhood. You know this yet you are still moaning
I remember Jade Goody was in a documentary many years ago. It was Christmas and she was doing the works for her two sons. Santa’s footprints, lots of decorations , loads of presents for the kids.
She was so invested in Christmas because as a child she had always had a shitty Christmas ( her mother had addiction issues). She was determined that her sons would have great memories .
Your DIL is doing the same.
If you can’t deal with this , then stay at home.

are you the grinch? lol

only joking

OP, how about you relax in your pyjamas this year until noon. Just stay in bed and read. It might put you in better spirits for the rest of the day.

If you get a question that isn't actually a question, such as 'Oh? You're not dressed?', say 'Oh no I don't fancy it I really want to relax in bed this morning in my pjamas'. If she starts pushing you after that with sentenced that start with 'but', just calmly say that this is what you really fancy doing and stick to that.

It's important to be a good guest, but it's also important being a good host and that includes not being pushy with these kinds of things.

I’ve never liked Christmas, it was stressful as a child and hard work as an adult. Since being widowed it’s been harder but I just grin and bear it. Tell myself it’s 24 hours then I’m home, in my pjs and do nothing for as long as I like.
Children are only small for a short time so enjoy seeing dgd open presents etc and just smile through the rest.

@MotherOfUnicorns4 It’s like watching come dine with me and someone decides to sing or read a poem .....it is a little. Like a whole hour of it? I'm done with playing any kind of piano after about 15mins, let alone a solid hour.

I think people are being a bit harsh on OP this morning. Yes her daughter in law has gone to a lot of trouble, but one also needs to learn to cool it a little and learn when people have had enough of being jollied along.

An hour of singing at the piano seems a good bit of fun to me. Surely that's the sort of thing that will be remembered in years to come when not everyone is around or challenging life events happen.