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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate spending Christmas with my DIL

611 replies

NanaZoZo · 22/10/2023 09:38

I have 2 DC and one DSD, DS married, lives down south, has a 2 year old. DD and DSD live in Australia.
DS and DIL have taken over the hosting of Christmas. My DCs dad and I split when they were tiny (1 and 4) so for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.
Here is the issue - I hate it. It’s not necessarily over the top, it’s traditional. She likes everyone to dress up nicely, they buy expensive food (think Harrods and Fortnum and Mason). Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me. I’d rather we stayed in PJs till noon, then threw on Christmas jumpers and had a nice roast. The day is quite rigid in her mind, it has to be Chinese on Christmas Eve even if we don’t fancy it, dinner is at 2 no negotiations on that either, she spends about an hour playing us Christmas songs on the piano and we all have to go a walk after dinner even if you just want to nap!!
Now like I say she’s lovely and it comes from a good place (she just wants DGD to have positive Christmas memories and tradition). But I really hate it, we had 2021 (when they had a 4 month old and still put on this grand Christmas) so it’s back to us this year, and I just can’t bring myself to look forward to it.
I’m half tempted to say we will come down on Boxing Day and spend the day lazily with DH and the dog. But I do want to see DGD on Christmas and I know she sill probably be more engaged this year which will make for fun. It would also be difficult to explain why we weren’t coming down as there is nothing keeping us up here. DH also thinks it’s just worse this year as last year we went to Australia for Christmas, and it was a busy one too (DSD has 3 kids to the DGC were ruling the day) so we haven’t had a chill at home Christmas since Covid.
WIBU to say we aren’t going down until Boxing Day, knowing it will probably hurt DIL, or should I suck it up, get in the festive spirit, go along with it all so we are part of DGD happy Christmas?

OP posts:
Frasers · 22/10/2023 16:52

Passepartoute · 22/10/2023 16:49

Luckily she is a good piano player and singer, used to sing and dance professionally but no one needs an hour of Christmas carols.

Can you hide somewhere out of her sightline and read a book?

How rude.

IncomingTraffic · 22/10/2023 16:55

of course the responses would be different if it were a DIL writing this about her MIL. And not because MN is full of DILs.

The MIL has had her go at hosting Christmases for her children. It’s now the DIL’s (and DS’s!) time to host Christmas for heir family and do it their way.

So a MIL who insists that the way she does it has to be everyone’s way and that stops her children and their partners figuring out how their Christmases look, it’s really not the same as the DS and DIL inviting the MIL to be part of their family Christmas.

BIossomtoes · 22/10/2023 16:57

Tandora · 22/10/2023 16:49

Good grief, YANBU at all OP. you are only getting the replies you are because you’re a MIL, so according to mumsnet you are expected to be at the beck and call of your DIL at all times and ask for nothing in return. Fat chance anyone would be demanding that a DIL suck up a Christmas she doesn’t care for, for the sake of her MIL.

Of course you should spend Christmas exactly how you like!! You are still a person, you are not dead yet, and it’s your Christmas too! Just stay home with your DH if you prefer it, having a relaxing one and visit on Boxing Day.

x

Of course she is. If a Dil posted this she wouldn’t be told to suck it up, she’d be told to stay at home.

Frasers · 22/10/2023 16:58

ginasevern · 22/10/2023 16:12

@NanaZoZo

I don't like the way you use the word "indulge" to describe your son's relationship with his wife. He is not indulging her, they are a unified couple who support and understand each other, which is exactly as it should be. You also say your own DH indulges her in relation to the Christmas Day walk. Using this word twice suggests an under current from your perspective even though you say your DIL is lovely. Is there some jealousy going on here?

I also thought jealousy, the use of the word jealousy, saying it will hurt her dil , but not her son or her grand daughter.

and the complaint, she doesn’t get to choose the type of cuisine on Xmas eve and the food is just far too nice snd she’s to listen to carols and go for a walk.

im guessing the op is reflecting on what she provided her children, and it’s making her feel shit.

misssunshine4040 · 22/10/2023 16:58

She throws an amazing Christmas, I would love to be invited to a Christmas like this.

You are really lucky to be included in this. You have your feelings and you are allowed to feel how you like but I would try and suck it up

Theeyeballsinthesky · 22/10/2023 16:58

If you hate it all so much just don’t go, problem solved!

im Not all convinced you think your DIL is “great” though. I suspect she probably can’t do anything right. If she cooked less food & only had quality street, you’d probably be here moaning that her Christmas was cheap & she was mean with food.

Tandora · 22/10/2023 16:59

jiinglebells · 22/10/2023 09:47

I mean her Christmas sounds fantastic! Your DS probably isn't just "indulging" it - he's probably enjoying it after 25 years of being shuffled about between homes at midday on Christmas Day, and it's probably an active participant in planning, purchasing and setting it up.

I think it's absolutely fine if you want to sit in pjs until midday and not have the classic mid afternoon walk, but that's perhaps your traditions from all of the years you had Christmas how you wanted it when the DC where little - now it's their turn to have their families Christmas how they want it. You either suck it up for the day (and it's not like they're making you do anything terrible!) or stay home, no drama needed.

now it's their turn to have their families Christmas how they want it

Ermmm, yeh, but why the fuck does OP have to attend? She’s still a person, she’s not dead, and she’s still entitled to enjoy her Christmas as well. She’s not asking them to change their Christmas, she just doesn’t really want to attend herself which is absolutly fair enough.

OP is not creating any drama, in fact she’s concerned about avoiding it, hence asking if she should just suck it up, because she’s worried that if she politely declines to attend and suggests coming on Boxing Day instead (totally fair enough) her DIL will cause a drama!

Frasers · 22/10/2023 17:00

Theeyeballsinthesky · 22/10/2023 16:58

If you hate it all so much just don’t go, problem solved!

im Not all convinced you think your DIL is “great” though. I suspect she probably can’t do anything right. If she cooked less food & only had quality street, you’d probably be here moaning that her Christmas was cheap & she was mean with food.

Maybe then she’d be replicating what the op did,,and the op wouldn’t feel bad.

Frasers · 22/10/2023 17:01

Tandora · 22/10/2023 16:59

now it's their turn to have their families Christmas how they want it

Ermmm, yeh, but why the fuck does OP have to attend? She’s still a person, she’s not dead, and she’s still entitled to enjoy her Christmas as well. She’s not asking them to change their Christmas, she just doesn’t really want to attend herself which is absolutly fair enough.

OP is not creating any drama, in fact she’s concerned about avoiding it, hence asking if she should just suck it up, because she’s worried that if she politely declines to attend and suggests coming on Boxing Day instead (totally fair enough) her DIL will cause a drama!

Show quote history

Where does she say she thinks the dil will create a drama, calm yourself down.

Tandora · 22/10/2023 17:03

IncomingTraffic · 22/10/2023 16:55

of course the responses would be different if it were a DIL writing this about her MIL. And not because MN is full of DILs.

The MIL has had her go at hosting Christmases for her children. It’s now the DIL’s (and DS’s!) time to host Christmas for heir family and do it their way.

So a MIL who insists that the way she does it has to be everyone’s way and that stops her children and their partners figuring out how their Christmases look, it’s really not the same as the DS and DIL inviting the MIL to be part of their family Christmas.

It’s now the DIL’s (and DS’s!) time to host Christmas for heir family and do it their way

Of course they can do their Christmas however they want, but why the hell should MIL be required to attend?? Why can’t she stay home and have a nice Christmas she enjoys and visit on Boxing Day ffs? OP didn’t just cease to be a person, because her DS decided to get hitched and procreate 😡

Cammac · 22/10/2023 17:03

OP is not creating any drama, in fact she’s concerned about avoiding it, hence asking if she should just suck it up, because she’s worried that if she politely declines to attend and suggests coming on Boxing Day instead (totally fair enough) her DIL will cause a drama

A DIL causing a drama? On MN? Surely not! 😂

mugboat · 22/10/2023 17:03

your DIL sounds lovely, I want to hug her. Well done to her for overcoming a difficult childhood and for providing wonderful experiences for her own child.

OP, Christmas is about spending time with family and always always means compromise. Please put others ahead of yourself and join them. They want you there. Enjoy them and their company and consider yourself lucky to have them.

lollipoprainbow · 22/10/2023 17:03

The amount of lonely people at Christmas who would jump at this. You sound ungrateful OP.

BIossomtoes · 22/10/2023 17:04

Frasers · 22/10/2023 17:00

Maybe then she’d be replicating what the op did,,and the op wouldn’t feel bad.

Show quote history

Why would OP feel bad? She doesn’t like her DiL’s version of Christmas and doesn’t want to be a guest for it. There’s nothing to feel bad about.

Tandora · 22/10/2023 17:04

Cammac · 22/10/2023 17:03

OP is not creating any drama, in fact she’s concerned about avoiding it, hence asking if she should just suck it up, because she’s worried that if she politely declines to attend and suggests coming on Boxing Day instead (totally fair enough) her DIL will cause a drama

A DIL causing a drama? On MN? Surely not! 😂

In the OP. She’s worried about suggesting to come on Boxing Day instead because it will upset/ offend her DIL, hence her AIBU,

Tandora · 22/10/2023 17:05

lollipoprainbow · 22/10/2023 17:03

The amount of lonely people at Christmas who would jump at this. You sound ungrateful OP.

Why should she be grateful? She doesn’t enjoy it.

LenBast · 22/10/2023 17:06

BIossomtoes · 22/10/2023 16:57

Of course she is. If a Dil posted this she wouldn’t be told to suck it up, she’d be told to stay at home.

Show quote history

I think people are telling OP to go because she says she actually wants to go because she wants to see her grandchildren. To deprive yourself of Christmas with your family because you can’t cope with not having everything your way just seems crazy.

BIossomtoes · 22/10/2023 17:06

lollipoprainbow · 22/10/2023 17:03

The amount of lonely people at Christmas who would jump at this. You sound ungrateful OP.

That’s like telling a child they should be grateful for a dish they detest because there are people who are starving. Its bollocks.

LylaLee · 22/10/2023 17:06

Allwelcone · 22/10/2023 16:49

That's lovely advice!
I would also add
the guests are like fish rule (after 3 days they go off) and suggest you are staying one day too many.
Works like magic!

Show quote history

Oh, I think I have a solution.

"DS, you both put on a marvelous Christmas, but we are getting on a bit and are thinking about a quieter Christmas for ourselves. So what about if going forward you have your dad over for Christmas instead of alternating. Then we will come on the 30th of Jan, babysit for new years eve so you and DIL can go out, then we leave on the morning of the 2nd."

They will be hung over on the 1st so you can be in your PJs.

"We can pull some crackers before you go out for new year's eve."

You can start a tradition of 'Half Christmas' where they come to you in the summer, and start some traditions that YOU want, with quality streets and whatever you want.

And DIL won't have a rigid image in her mind of 'what it should be like.'

The only potential downside is DS feeling abandoned, as his dad might not be available to do every year.

Gettingbysomehow · 22/10/2023 17:15

Your feelings matter too OP, all those horrible people calling you names.
I would loathe every minute of it and would make damned sure I was too sick to go.
My DS, DiL and I all like a simple lazy xmas and do whatever we want all day, in pyjamas.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Especially given not one of us is a christian.
DiL's parents are dead so I make sure she does exactly what she wants on the day. I would find spending thousands of pounds on xmas absolutely repulsive.

Movinghouseatlast · 22/10/2023 17:16

I would love this Christmas.

I will have to have a Christmas I don't particularly like- very frugal ( not through lack of money either!) and not my idea of festive but that is how the family who are hosting Christmas 'do' Christmas so that is what we all do.

I've always had my own Christmas on another day where I can do the type of things I like. Could you do that?

I think your complaints are ludicrous though. Everything is wrong when she is just trying to.make it nice for everyone.

Teder · 22/10/2023 17:18

Gettingbysomehow · 22/10/2023 17:15

Your feelings matter too OP, all those horrible people calling you names.
I would loathe every minute of it and would make damned sure I was too sick to go.
My DS, DiL and I all like a simple lazy xmas and do whatever we want all day, in pyjamas.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Especially given not one of us is a christian.
DiL's parents are dead so I make sure she does exactly what she wants on the day. I would find spending thousands of pounds on xmas absolutely repulsive.

I don’t agree with people calling her names but she started a thread and was so sneery and judgmental about the DIL she says is lovely! Given this thread is extremely identifiable, the OP doesn’t seem to care about her son and his wife’s feelings.

Tandora · 22/10/2023 17:18

Tandora · 22/10/2023 17:04

In the OP. She’s worried about suggesting to come on Boxing Day instead because it will upset/ offend her DIL, hence her AIBU,

Edited
Show quote history

Sorry quoted the wrong poster, I meant to quote @Frasers

AngelAurora · 22/10/2023 17:23

It's one day and it should be about your Dgd on Christmas, not you.

PrinceHaz · 22/10/2023 17:23

Whilst people are saying the asap should suck it up for the sake of one Christmas Day, it is also the OP’s Christmas Day and she should be free to spend it as she wishes.

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