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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate spending Christmas with my DIL

611 replies

NanaZoZo · 22/10/2023 09:38

I have 2 DC and one DSD, DS married, lives down south, has a 2 year old. DD and DSD live in Australia.
DS and DIL have taken over the hosting of Christmas. My DCs dad and I split when they were tiny (1 and 4) so for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.
Here is the issue - I hate it. It’s not necessarily over the top, it’s traditional. She likes everyone to dress up nicely, they buy expensive food (think Harrods and Fortnum and Mason). Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me. I’d rather we stayed in PJs till noon, then threw on Christmas jumpers and had a nice roast. The day is quite rigid in her mind, it has to be Chinese on Christmas Eve even if we don’t fancy it, dinner is at 2 no negotiations on that either, she spends about an hour playing us Christmas songs on the piano and we all have to go a walk after dinner even if you just want to nap!!
Now like I say she’s lovely and it comes from a good place (she just wants DGD to have positive Christmas memories and tradition). But I really hate it, we had 2021 (when they had a 4 month old and still put on this grand Christmas) so it’s back to us this year, and I just can’t bring myself to look forward to it.
I’m half tempted to say we will come down on Boxing Day and spend the day lazily with DH and the dog. But I do want to see DGD on Christmas and I know she sill probably be more engaged this year which will make for fun. It would also be difficult to explain why we weren’t coming down as there is nothing keeping us up here. DH also thinks it’s just worse this year as last year we went to Australia for Christmas, and it was a busy one too (DSD has 3 kids to the DGC were ruling the day) so we haven’t had a chill at home Christmas since Covid.
WIBU to say we aren’t going down until Boxing Day, knowing it will probably hurt DIL, or should I suck it up, get in the festive spirit, go along with it all so we are part of DGD happy Christmas?

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 22/10/2023 15:43

Just read your posts, OP. I have no advice to offer because I would love your DIL's Christmas. I can't imagine getting annoyed about Hotel Chocolat chocolates and carols on Christmas Day!

Iturnedmyfaceaway · 22/10/2023 15:44

Can’t you have a singalong of the carols? They are supposed to be communal.

FeverBeam · 22/10/2023 15:46

Someone blasting Hark! The Herald Angels Sing at me for an hour on the old joanna sounds a bit wearing (ex profesh singer or not) but I suspect I'd find it tolerable when offset with a banquet from Harrods' food hall.

IdaPolly · 22/10/2023 15:53

Yanbu about the piano playing but yabu about "Luckily they keep the decor classy"

AmandasFleckerl · 22/10/2023 15:53

The OP is putting all the blame on her DIL, but this is her son's home and Christmas setup too.

Good point, well made @BlueEyedPeanut

OhComeOnFFS · 22/10/2023 15:57

LenBast · 22/10/2023 15:20

Spending Christmas in your PJs .. is that a UK cultural thing?

I don't think so- I'm British and I've only ever heard of people doing this on MN.

I always think it's the same people who never answer their front door or their phone. I wish we could have a survey on this.

whiteorchids44 · 22/10/2023 15:59

It sounds like your DS and DIL want to create special Christmas memories with their DC. They are just trying their best. It might not be your cup of tea but they are setting their own traditions which is different to yours.

With the wingeing and nit picking, you have clearly made your point that you have issues with how they host festivities. Maybe you can offer to take turns hosting and you can host it the next time you celebrate Christmas together so you can host it the way you want.

Or you could also try and compromise. There are ways around it. You could wear an outfit that is comfy and still dressy. If there are parts of the day’s events that you can opt out of then do it, like the walk then do so. No one is forcing you.

Or if you really can’t manage then just go to Boxing Day.

Life is short You don’t know how many Christmases you will have in your lifetime especially you only spend Christmas with them every other year.

BooBooBaloo · 22/10/2023 16:01

I think people are being very harsh to OP particularly the bitchy 'you are jealous because you gave your son shit Christmases for years' which seem particularly unfair given that divorced parents who work at Christmas don't always get a choice

I was a child who has a mother that wanted to 'make memories' every year, which morphed into everything having to be perfect. This meant she never really enjoyed it and was always upset if things didn't live up to her expectations, and sadly that is what I remember most, not the perfectly curated decorations, nice outfits or Harrods food.

I'd also be curious these days how much is done her her child vs how much ends up on instagram...

Gymnopedie · 22/10/2023 16:03

If a DIL posted that she didn't like the way her ILs did Christmas, that they were full on where she wanted a day in pjs, but that she was expected to go anyway, there would be a lot of posters telling her that she was entitled to have the Christmas she wanted and that she could tell DH that they weren't going and having a quiet time at home.

LoobyDop · 22/10/2023 16:04

Your DiL’s Christmas sounds lovely, and your moaning about beautiful decorations, expensive chocolate and not slobbing around in pyjamas sounds like standard “I feel inferior, so I’m going to cut her down” bitterness.

Dontfencemein · 22/10/2023 16:10

You have a choice. If you’re a guest, you accept that people do things differently to how you’d do things in your own home. Unless the hosts are being abusive, or about to poison or electrocute you, then you stick on a smile and put up with it. The alternative is that you stay at home and do things your way.

I feel sorry for your DIL. She’s making a huge effort and it’s being complained about on the internet. I’m not sure you actually like her that much, despite what you say. If you did, you’d probably tolerate her harmless foibles for one day a year or at least have a private giggle about the poshness of it all.

I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. If she read you post she’d know this was about her. How would you feel then?

FMLWTF · 22/10/2023 16:11

My view would be that most people can watch tv in their pyjamas any weekend, if they so choose. Christmas is a rare occasion to do something different, an excuse to make things special. You could opt out of the walk I’m sure, but just go with the flow and try to enjoy it.

ginasevern · 22/10/2023 16:12

@NanaZoZo

I don't like the way you use the word "indulge" to describe your son's relationship with his wife. He is not indulging her, they are a unified couple who support and understand each other, which is exactly as it should be. You also say your own DH indulges her in relation to the Christmas Day walk. Using this word twice suggests an under current from your perspective even though you say your DIL is lovely. Is there some jealousy going on here?

Mostlyoblivious · 22/10/2023 16:13

Suck it up. Sounds like an amazingly festive traditional Christmas that you read about in books

Coffeerum · 22/10/2023 16:15

ginasevern · 22/10/2023 16:12

@NanaZoZo

I don't like the way you use the word "indulge" to describe your son's relationship with his wife. He is not indulging her, they are a unified couple who support and understand each other, which is exactly as it should be. You also say your own DH indulges her in relation to the Christmas Day walk. Using this word twice suggests an under current from your perspective even though you say your DIL is lovely. Is there some jealousy going on here?

Also her comment re her DH and the singing “and my DH finds her piano skills bewildering so looks over her like a hawk”.
It seems like everyone else is happy with the setup and enjoys the day and it’s just the OP being bitter, jealous and miserable.
It seems to bother her that her DH enjoys it all.

ginasevern · 22/10/2023 16:25

@Coffeerum

Totally agree.

moonbeammagic · 22/10/2023 16:26

Going against the grain here, but I'm with you OP. Yes it's only one day every 2 years, but you should be able to say 'no thanks' and do your own thing on Christmas day. She won't be alone, she has her own family and will create new memories with them. It's your Christmas too, you should be able to spend the day as you choose - why should you have to suck it up? If DIL was posting about not wanting to do Christmas your way, my response would be exactly the same.

ILiveInAPineappleUnderTheSea · 22/10/2023 16:27

Christmas with my family sounds somewhat the same. I don't mind any of it but I hate having to dress up (the dress code used to be even more formal than what I'd wear to the office!) so never did that part. Nowadays some other members of the family have also decided to forgo the dress/tights/heels for silly jumpers and leggings. Same activities but it feels much more homey and less like a big performance!

LlynTegid · 22/10/2023 16:30

I'd just go on Boxing Day, I appreciate a minority view. Your dog could be a get out reason, also the day Christmas falls on means lots of Friday evening or Saturday traffic.

nearlywinteragain · 22/10/2023 16:39

I love my MIL, I know her ideal Xmas is less formal than mine. Yes I have Christmas only China etc.
I know I dress up more, have less TV and more carols than she would. We take it in turns to open presents, do it after lunch etc.
But when she is with us she just goes with the flow and spends time with dc.
The same as when I went to hers I leant into her bought meals, mass present opening in the morning and tv shows.

missusvontrap · 22/10/2023 16:42

Concentrate on all the positives and forget about the negatives which aren't that bad. You're very lucky in lots of ways.

Allwelcone · 22/10/2023 16:49

missusvontrap · 22/10/2023 16:42

Concentrate on all the positives and forget about the negatives which aren't that bad. You're very lucky in lots of ways.

That's lovely advice!
I would also add
the guests are like fish rule (after 3 days they go off) and suggest you are staying one day too many.
Works like magic!

Tandora · 22/10/2023 16:49

Good grief, YANBU at all OP. you are only getting the replies you are because you’re a MIL, so according to mumsnet you are expected to be at the beck and call of your DIL at all times and ask for nothing in return. Fat chance anyone would be demanding that a DIL suck up a Christmas she doesn’t care for, for the sake of her MIL.

Of course you should spend Christmas exactly how you like!! You are still a person, you are not dead yet, and it’s your Christmas too! Just stay home with your DH if you prefer it, having a relaxing one and visit on Boxing Day.

x

Passepartoute · 22/10/2023 16:49

Luckily she is a good piano player and singer, used to sing and dance professionally but no one needs an hour of Christmas carols.

Can you hide somewhere out of her sightline and read a book?

Frasers · 22/10/2023 16:52

This is the worst sort of reverse snobbery I’ve seen. I’m embarrassed for you op.