To hate spending Christmas with my DIL

[NanaZoZo]

I have 2 DC and one DSD, DS married, lives down south, has a 2 year old. DD and DSD live in Australia.
DS and DIL have taken over the hosting of Christmas. My DCs dad and I split when they were tiny (1 and 4) so for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.
Here is the issue - I hate it. It’s not necessarily over the top, it’s traditional. She likes everyone to dress up nicely, they buy expensive food (think Harrods and Fortnum and Mason). Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me. I’d rather we stayed in PJs till noon, then threw on Christmas jumpers and had a nice roast. The day is quite rigid in her mind, it has to be Chinese on Christmas Eve even if we don’t fancy it, dinner is at 2 no negotiations on that either, she spends about an hour playing us Christmas songs on the piano and we all have to go a walk after dinner even if you just want to nap!!
Now like I say she’s lovely and it comes from a good place (she just wants DGD to have positive Christmas memories and tradition). But I really hate it, we had 2021 (when they had a 4 month old and still put on this grand Christmas) so it’s back to us this year, and I just can’t bring myself to look forward to it.
I’m half tempted to say we will come down on Boxing Day and spend the day lazily with DH and the dog. But I do want to see DGD on Christmas and I know she sill probably be more engaged this year which will make for fun. It would also be difficult to explain why we weren’t coming down as there is nothing keeping us up here. DH also thinks it’s just worse this year as last year we went to Australia for Christmas, and it was a busy one too (DSD has 3 kids to the DGC were ruling the day) so we haven’t had a chill at home Christmas since Covid.
WIBU to say we aren’t going down until Boxing Day, knowing it will probably hurt DIL, or should I suck it up, get in the festive spirit, go along with it all so we are part of DGD happy Christmas?

going ‘overboard’ is a Chinese takeaway Christmas Eve now and a nice Christmas dinner? Or is the hotel chocolat that’s overboard? Or going for a walk? Or nice clothes? None of these are in any way actually going overboard for many many people out there. Our last nice family photo is one a cousin snapped last Christmas Day with all the children nicely (& comfortably) dressed and I’m grateful for it!

With the nickname username, the descriptions of the day, that your other children live in Australia, where you and they live, the fact you were a police officer ... if any of these details are correct it wouldn't take much for the DIL to recognise you and herself in this if she uses MN (and with a 2 year old, she may well do).

I do hope you've muddled the details for anonymity.

I agree that MILs often get a rough time on here but I really don't think this is right. If someone posted that their MIL is lovely but they're thinking of avoiding her because she wears clothes on Christmas Day and serves the wrong brand of chocolates, I'd think they were nuts.

Just noticed that I missed the whole point of this post @NanaZoZo as you were actually asking if it would be unreasonable to tell DIL/DS that you'll see them on Boxing Day this year! Oops...

No, it's definitely not unreasonable to do just that.

The difference would be that if DIL was being expected to take small children across the country for Christmas instead of spending it at home that would be selfish of the person asking her to do that.

And if DIL was coming to MIL's house, and complaining about (1) being asked to wear clothes instead of pyjamas (2) she wanted quality street instead of posh chocolate, (3) had to listen to MIL playing the piano for one hour then (4), being asked to go for a walk on one day, once every two years, she would be told to give her head a wobble.

Book your winter holiday. Then be baffled when your grandchildren don't have a close relationship with you.

Being one day I would suck it up. I've done a few Christmas Days where I have gone along with it to keep family happy and then I just do my own thing on boxing day.

Can I go in your place? Your DS/DIL’s Christmas sounds like my ideal day!

It doesn’t sound that bad! The thought of being in pyjamas all day sounds horrid to me-any day, not just Christmas. And having lunch at 2? Isn’t that normal? What would happen if you said you were too tired for a walk and want to read a book instead? Is there room for a boy I’d compromise?

Pictoosh

I don't like being itinerated like a part, so I wouldn't appreciate the bossy madam's Christmas bloody day.

That's a bit harsh! The poor woman is just trying to create a fantastic, memorable occasion for her family, including her small child. Making an effort with the decs, the food and a few carols doesn't make you a bossy madam.

Personally I'd HATE to spend Christmas Day with people who flopped out of bed, stayed in pjs all day and just switched on the telly first thing. But each to their own.

I think OP should go along though - if you're not a Christmas fan, then at least just make the day about the children in the family. You can have non-Christmas any other day of the year.

I'm glad you think you're being grumpy. Your DIL sounds lovely and the effort she puts into Christmas sounds wonderful. You should read the thousands of horrible DIL, MIL relationships on MN and be grateful you have a good relationship with her.

Spending Christmas in your PJs .. is that a UK cultural thing? To me, Christmas is always about spending time with family with a semi formal lunch or dinner and people usually wear nice ish clothes like a dress, trousers and shirt. Why would you want to spend Christmas alone with DH in PJ, just do that any other day...

I think you probably are going to have to suck it up but I can totally see where you're coming from. It sounds way too organized and OTT for me but I'd suffer it in order to see the GC. I certainly wouldnt be going for a walk though and would do my level best to get out of that one.

You are getting lots of replies from people who think this Christmas sounds great, but I think that might be slanted by the general demographic of this website. Personally I think it sounds fucking appalling. I would dislike having to dress up to spend a day with family. The ridiculously excessive expenditure on nonsense when we all know there are many people in the UK going hungry would absolutely disgust me (that's by far the worst part - I hate excessive consumerism). And the hour of listening to her play the piano just sounds really boring - I would much rather watch the telly or read my book or something.

Having said that I would probably go, in order to keep the peace. I went to my husband's family last year even tho it was boring and I didn't much like it. (There is nothing wrong with them - I just don't like formal meals with people I barely know). This year we will go to my family, and even this I would rather not do (and I love them very much - i just hate all the fuss) . I just want to be with my husband and my daughter. But this does not seem to be an option.....

But there is nothing remotely strange about you not looking forward to this very formal version of Christmas day, OP. I think if a representative sample of the UK were surveyed, the majority of people would agree that it sounds a bit shit.

So sad to read this. There are so many posts from people who don’t have family xmases, not because they don’t want them, but there is no interest from family members to include them. I think it’s lovely that your dil is making sure her dcs have the christmases that she could only dream about when she was young. Just put your feelings aside for this one day. It doesn’t sound that bad at all; not as if she’s forcing you into twister on the rug and three hours of karaoke is it?

Sounds awful, all that luxury food cooked for me how does one cope!

Honestly, I'd suck it up. It's one day a year, assuming the rest of your visit is more laid back. But even if it's not, good family relationships are too important to lose over a few days a year.

Perhaps to 'counteract' the Xmas formality you and DH could load up your kitchen with some comfort food, snacks, and a bottle of good wine (or booze) before you leave. Then plan that the day you get home (or the next day) you'll slob around in your pjs eating and doing nothing to unwind. Or if you drive stop somewhere on the way home at a nice hotel, jump into pjs, and order in room service & drinks and watch a movie.

If you want to slob around in pj's all day then just stay home. What would you do on Christmas Day? Would you cook a Christmas dinner? Just laze around and watch crap tv?

I think it would be lovely to have dinner cooked for you, lots of lovely food and drink. Christmas carols are far far nicer than watching tv.

My family all get together (20 of us) and we dress nicely. Me and DH cook the dinner (also for 2pm) and we usually go for a short walk after dinner. After the clearing up is done we all sit and chat and maybe play some games. The tv never ever goes on. Never watched tv on Christmas Day in my 69 years. Even in 2020 when me and DH were alone for Christmas we made an effort of dressing nicely, nice food and NO tv

The ridiculously excessive expenditure on nonsense when we all know there are many people in the UK going hungry

I hate it when people say this. It’s kind of like saying everyone should deprive themselves of any enjoyment, because we must suffer the same as others who can’t enjoy Xmas. I work my arse off all year and treat us to one nice holiday each year, and a lovely family Christmas Day. Yes, I probably spend too much, but what’s the point of me working and earning money if I can’t have some fun, just because I’m worried that someone else somewhere is struggling for food? I donate to charity from my bank account monthly, but I don’t feel I should have to be in collective misery with others who can’t afford to do things that I do.

Exactly. Who gets to set the standard of what is 'too much'?

"What, you spent £5000 taking all the kids to EuroDisney? You could have spent £500 in Benidorm."

"What, you spent £500 in Benidorm? You could have done day trips near you house with a £50 National Trust membership!"

"What, you spent £100 at a restaurant. I could have made you spag bol at home for a fiver."

Should we all be in sackcloth and ashes, living in a bedsit, with all the excess money going to charity?"

Why can't you just spend the day with your husband and daughter?

Nobody's Christmas is going to be right for you because you don't want to be there. Why not just say that rather than whinging about things being boring?

I don't understand what is so horrible about it. The posh food sounds nice!
And unless Ive missed something it doesn't sound as though they are making you do anything apart from the walk. I can understand hating it if you had to sing when she plays the piano or play charades and you hate that sort of game but it doesn't sound as if you have to do that.
I think I would just go along with it. But if you really don't want to can you just say you want to spend the day just with your DH as you haven't had a quiet Christmas for a while. But if you do just go down for boxing day I suspect your Dil might make that just as formal as Christmas day.

Spending Christmas in your PJs .. is that a UK cultural thing?

I don't think so- I'm British and I've only ever heard of people doing this on MN.

You’re being ridiculous.
DIL and DS are having the type of Christmas they want in their own home and are gracious enough to host OP and her husband for 4 days. It sounds like even OP’s DH enjoys himself!
Why on earth should they have to get input from others, particularly Scrooge? If OP doesn’t like it she can stay at home.

"Luckily they keep the decor classy"
Blimey, it's none of your business!

I love the sound of your DIL’s Christmas Day, can I take your place?!

I think a lot of us end up spending the day just trying to keep others happy. I used to love lazy Christmas days with my mum and dad. Nowadays I’m the one cooking and hosting eight people every year. The bit I enjoy most is when everyone has gone and I can have some quiet! As my DH reminds me though - these people won’t be coming round for Christmas forever and one day it will be just the two of us and we’ll miss everyone. He’s right!