To hate spending Christmas with my DIL

[NanaZoZo]

I have 2 DC and one DSD, DS married, lives down south, has a 2 year old. DD and DSD live in Australia.
DS and DIL have taken over the hosting of Christmas. My DCs dad and I split when they were tiny (1 and 4) so for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.
Here is the issue - I hate it. It’s not necessarily over the top, it’s traditional. She likes everyone to dress up nicely, they buy expensive food (think Harrods and Fortnum and Mason). Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me. I’d rather we stayed in PJs till noon, then threw on Christmas jumpers and had a nice roast. The day is quite rigid in her mind, it has to be Chinese on Christmas Eve even if we don’t fancy it, dinner is at 2 no negotiations on that either, she spends about an hour playing us Christmas songs on the piano and we all have to go a walk after dinner even if you just want to nap!!
Now like I say she’s lovely and it comes from a good place (she just wants DGD to have positive Christmas memories and tradition). But I really hate it, we had 2021 (when they had a 4 month old and still put on this grand Christmas) so it’s back to us this year, and I just can’t bring myself to look forward to it.
I’m half tempted to say we will come down on Boxing Day and spend the day lazily with DH and the dog. But I do want to see DGD on Christmas and I know she sill probably be more engaged this year which will make for fun. It would also be difficult to explain why we weren’t coming down as there is nothing keeping us up here. DH also thinks it’s just worse this year as last year we went to Australia for Christmas, and it was a busy one too (DSD has 3 kids to the DGC were ruling the day) so we haven’t had a chill at home Christmas since Covid.
WIBU to say we aren’t going down until Boxing Day, knowing it will probably hurt DIL, or should I suck it up, get in the festive spirit, go along with it all so we are part of DGD happy Christmas?

On the one hand, I think deciding to have Christmas at home and do to your way is fine, but I think the tone you talk about your ds and dil's Christmas (and how you allocated blame solely to your dil) is horrible.

Her Christmas sounds lovely to me, and definitely nicer for children than doing nothing in pjs, which is presumably what she is prioritising.

But, you know what the event consists of. Either go and be nice about it, or politely decline. Stop harbouring the idea that there is anything superior about your way of doing Christmas, or that your ds isn't an equal part of the Christmas they have chosen for their dc.

You are being outstandingly unreasonable.
so she hosts a wonderful day with excellent high quality food but you would rather be lazy despite it just being one day you don’t even really care so much about?

get TF over yourself and count your blessings!!

Exactly!!! Fucking bastards with all their generosity and cheerfulness.

OP - you really are being a misery about all this.

I can't think of many DiL's who would make so much effort to include her in-laws tbh. She clearly wants you to be included in her DC's Xmas memories. Think about that for a second. What a wonderful Mum she sounds to your DGC. I'd be so grateful to be wanted and included. I don't have a DiL yet, possibly I will by the year after next.

It sounds to me as if you’re feeling retrospectively sensitive about the Christmases you provided for your children when they were young, and the fact that your son clearly enjoys the type of Christmas he does now with his family, which makes you feel inadequate — one thing that strikes me is that you make it sound as if these Christmases are 100% yourDIL’s doing, not, as they presumably are, the joint creations of your son and DIL?

I mean, you don't care about Christmas and you aren't much bothered about it being festive, so it's not like you are missing out on anything other than what sounds like a lounging day that you could enjoy at any other point in the year.

Go, suck it up, play the part for the sake of good family relations. So fuck if you have to eat a Chinese on Christmas Eve and eat fancy food on the big day - worse things happen at sea. Admittedly singing around a piano wouldn't be my cup of tea but it's one hour in the year, every other year - get a grip.

I don't entirely agree with most other posters here @NanaZoZo. I don't entirely disagree with them either. I don't think you are being entirely unreasonable in not enjoying Christmas Day itself, if the way your DS and DIL celebrate the day doesn't appeal to you and you don't feel that you enjoy it at all.

But you need to balance the pros and the cons of the 4 days. Would you feel any better if you stayed at home, I wonder. It could all be a bit flat if there are just you and your DH at home? My DH and I go out on Christmas Day for our lunch because since the children are grown and with their own children, that has been our experience on the years we aren't spending it with one or other of our children. They developed their own traditions, while we had to spend it with my late Mother, most years.

If it doesn't appeal to you, you don't HAVE to go, you know, but I'll bet you will have a better time if you do, than if there were just the two of you at home. If you really don't want to go, why not tell them you fancy a quiet year, this year and see how you feel, when it comes to it.

Just accept that it is only one day, so not the end of the world, and just try to enjoy your time? If the walk doesn't appeal, then say you have a headache or a migraine and need to rest in your room for a couple of hours? As others have said, people have different traditions, just try to accept that. If your Son and his family came to you, they would have to follow what YOU wanted to do in terms of lunch timings etc. So either stay home or try to change your mindset to get as much enjoyment of it as you can?

The DIL has her inlaws (one or the other) to visit every year and puts on a big meal etc.

If OP doesn't want to be part of that, she can decline the invitation and go every 4 years or so? or never and invite DS and DIL to hers (and DS & DIL may not want to schlepp elsewhere when they have a small child)?

I wonder how it all happens "I'm ordering the chinese, what do fancy?" or "you're having a spring roll and fried rice" (or whatever)? Does DIL wrangle MIL over to the piano and force her to sing Away in a Manger? does she force shoes on her and push her out of the door?

Go or not, OP, up to you. And you really don't have to have chinese you can make yourself toast? or just accept that it is now their tradition (we have an accidental Christmas eve tradition - been going on for the 40 years I've been married.) and you can say "I'll get the kettle on for when you get back, let me know when you'Re 5 minutes away" when they want to walk?

Or go down on boxing day?

I do agree that the tone is horrible and sneering, and with no good reason.

There will be underlying issues contributing to how you feel about this perfectly reasonable approach to Christmas by your DIL. It’d be a good idea to focus on and work on those to avoid resentment building which will cause problems between you/your DIL and your son.

Do you think that maybe as a police officer you slightly detached from Christmas, as you would often be working and miss it or might be called into work last minute so any kind of plan had to be very loose, if you'd had a lot of plans and tradition you would have been continually disappointed at things being interrupted or you missing out ?

Anyway - I'm a laid back, casual chill out kind of Christmas person so I understand your point of view, but I also have a great relationship with my DDIL, and I adore her so I would suck up pretty much anything to maintain that. Good relationships with DILs are a precious thing and judging by many of the posts on here, quite rare !

Also although I do chill out at home, the idea of someone else doing all the work and 'doing' Christmas does sound quite nice and she's really making an effort - good for her. I suspect when her LO gets a bit older it may become less rigid as children tend to force you to loosen up your timetable !

Are you allowed to join in the carols? I'd sing along quite happily, it sound rather nice (but with my singing they'd probably make sure no carols were on offer the following year )

Go with the flow, treasure your relationship with your DDIL, DS and DGD - that is what matters here, relax in your jammies on boxing day.

No it is not being ungrateful because this isn't about the food, this is about DIL's needs being the only that is important on this day.

Again going overboard and cooking a ton of food and doing a ton of stuff no one has asked for or wants and then claiming they are ungrateful for not appreciating it is rubbish.

DIL should get input from everyone on what they will like and plan a day where everyone compromises not go full on but then claim they are ungrateful because they don't appreciate the 1000 hours she put in that no one wants or asked for.

I didn't read that as a wonderful day, I read it as someone who is overplanning and overdoing to make up for some past issues. The solution is to deal with those unresolved issues not expect everyone to pander, go with what you want and walk around egg shells so you don't get upset.

It may be nice for a year or 2 but trust me at some point most people will start to get tired of it.

There are four adults and two children. The only person who doesn't like it is OP.

So this is only every other year? I’d suck it up! It’s not that hard to suck up a fortnum and mason feast then go for a walk and chill out on Boxing Day.

Take a box of quality street though, keep it in your room and eat some in bed

You’re not reasonable to feel what you’re feeling, but you do sound unappreciative of your DIL’s efforts to make Christmas memorable (in her opinion), and of her kind willingness to involve you in their festivities. The big picture is that you have nice family who love you and cherish your role as parent and grandparent. Your DIL may be acting to fill a childhood hole of loss or neglect, and in turn you can feel good about being kind to her as an adult. Enjoy your DGD’s energy and excitement while she is little. Times change and you may spend many’s a Christmas doing lazy PJ stuff at a later point. I’d advise you to reframe this in a positive light and enjoy it as best you can for the sake of those you love.

It’s her home she can do what she likes plus she sounds like a good mum making it nice for her dc

There’s no structure to their lives and they can’t cope with the idea of structure so they think they want a relaxed Christmas but that actually means a careless Christmas.

I think this is a really interesting point. Society is increasingly secular, and increasingly indulgent/self -interested and I think one of the things that we have collectively lost is the idea and importance of ritual. My childhood Christmases were virtually identical, and fairly traditional - same decorations, same food, same guests, dinner at the same time, the same tv (although obviously not much choice in those days). They weren’t “posh” - we didn’t have expensive/new decorations any food that wasn’t completely standard 70s/80s Christmas food but we wore nice clothes (often the new jeans and character sweatshirts bought as gifts which were not “smart” but they were special to us as kids) and we’d play a board game and we’d have nuts and satsumas and stuff which is available most of the year but somehow special and Christmassy. They weren’t absolutely fabulous and magical, but they were lovely and we did enjoy them and as kids I think it gave us a really solid, safe, certain, rooting. The consistency of whatever you have special for any celebration repeated year after year is somehow valuable whether it’s “we always have egg and chips in our pjs” or “we always have a goose from fortnums and a pate starter and a pudding made from a litre of brandy that shoots fireworks”. I think as an adult it’s fine to say “I want to enjoy a quiet Christmas at home” but the DIL coming from a shitty background and trying to give her own dd stability and have a lovely time with special decorations and tableware and delicious food is absolutely admirable imo. None of the things she is doing are awful and honestly, it’s completely reasonable to have an expectation of day clothes at the dinner table. I’m a fairly lax parent but even on ordinary days only breakfast and supper can be eaten in pjs. Buy a comfy but smart outfit or stay at home ffs.

Replace DiL with MiL and I totally guarantee the responses would be completely different. It sounds like hell. I’d stay at home and let her have her traditions with her own little family. Actually I’d book some winter sunshine instead.

Geez, it's one day. Put on your big girl pants!

Her Christmas sounds perfect to me- it's how my family always did Christmas growing up. Conversely, my in-laws did it your way, in their pyjamas until lunchtime and then a roast. Personally I hate it (it doesn't feel any different to any other lazy Sunday!) but I go along with it every other year because that's how they like it and it's important to them.

In other words, suck it up. One day, every other year, for a Christmas that lots of other people would love even if it's not your cup of tea.

While I understand the irritation it's once in two years- so you do your best to grin and bear it, especially it'll change naturally as children get older.

@VivX

To be complaining about being offered Hotel Chocolat rather than Quality Street is a bizarre level of mean-spirited pettiness.

Poor DIL just can't get it right, can she? Christmassy bitch, buying nice chocolates for one day a year. She should just wrap some acorns in cellophane and stick them in an old paint tin.

I do like the sound of her Christmas planning with all the nice food luxury decor and activities. I honestly think being lazy in PJs is boring as you can do it any other day in the year. For your son and granddaughter’s memory’s sake make some efforts.

meh.
DIL and DS in their own home get the Christmas they want. Guests now know what this comprises. If they can't put up with it for a day (with the payoff of spending the day with the only remotely local DGC) they say "no thanks"

Mine would be the same regardless. I don't believe the MIL is always in the wrong. But here, I do think OP is being unreasonable.