To hate spending Christmas with my DIL

[NanaZoZo]

I have 2 DC and one DSD, DS married, lives down south, has a 2 year old. DD and DSD live in Australia.
DS and DIL have taken over the hosting of Christmas. My DCs dad and I split when they were tiny (1 and 4) so for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.
Here is the issue - I hate it. It’s not necessarily over the top, it’s traditional. She likes everyone to dress up nicely, they buy expensive food (think Harrods and Fortnum and Mason). Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me. I’d rather we stayed in PJs till noon, then threw on Christmas jumpers and had a nice roast. The day is quite rigid in her mind, it has to be Chinese on Christmas Eve even if we don’t fancy it, dinner is at 2 no negotiations on that either, she spends about an hour playing us Christmas songs on the piano and we all have to go a walk after dinner even if you just want to nap!!
Now like I say she’s lovely and it comes from a good place (she just wants DGD to have positive Christmas memories and tradition). But I really hate it, we had 2021 (when they had a 4 month old and still put on this grand Christmas) so it’s back to us this year, and I just can’t bring myself to look forward to it.
I’m half tempted to say we will come down on Boxing Day and spend the day lazily with DH and the dog. But I do want to see DGD on Christmas and I know she sill probably be more engaged this year which will make for fun. It would also be difficult to explain why we weren’t coming down as there is nothing keeping us up here. DH also thinks it’s just worse this year as last year we went to Australia for Christmas, and it was a busy one too (DSD has 3 kids to the DGC were ruling the day) so we haven’t had a chill at home Christmas since Covid.
WIBU to say we aren’t going down until Boxing Day, knowing it will probably hurt DIL, or should I suck it up, get in the festive spirit, go along with it all so we are part of DGD happy Christmas?

Only on MN a walk is essential for a "nice memory".

I think there is something in this - it sounds like the OP is pissed off that her adult son has different views on Christmas to her.

One of the challenges of being a parent to adult children is that you do have to accept that your children are not going to share your views. And it may turn out that your idea of a good Christmas is nothing like theirs.

For mothers of sons it is all too easy to blame the DIL for that and paint her as somehow controlling everything. That’s because women do often do all
the organising etc. But let’s not pretend that the DS has no say in this and that it doesn’t actually reflect their discussions about what Christmas should look like for their family.

It would be thoroughly selfish and rude to go and rain on their parade.

I don't think it's selfish not to go at all.

People are often enthusiastic about women looking after their own needs - but not on Christmas day it seems.

It’s actually one day out of 2 years. OP comes across as embarrassingly bitter and petulant that her son is giving his kids better christmases than she gave him. Whingeing about petty details like chocolate, baubles, lunch time etc.

nice food and carols on Christmas Day!! How dare they!

Suck it up and put your happy face on. Your DIL is building memories for her family and you are part of that family. Her plans for Christmas day sound wonderful and she clearly does it with love for you all.
I'm sure you could have a nap after dinner -my father used to as he got older. Nobody minded.

One of the things OP moans about is that the DIL cooks too much food and has plenty of leftovers for everyone to enjoy! Of course she’s ungrateful.
If she’s going to be this miserable about it I’m sure the DIL and DS will actually be relieved if OP just doesn’t go.

It’s just a day and I think your DIL sounds lovely.

One day in 720. Suck it up for the sake of good family relations.

Is it the fact that it’s Christmas that is making you feel resentful? I think we all get fixed ideas of what we want from Christmas and can be a bit sulky if we don’t get it.

There are plenty of other things that hit the cadence of “one day every couple of years” where we grin and bear it, doing something we don’t really want to just because it makes family happy. Weddings, graduations, recitals etc.

Maybe try to separate it from the feelings around Christmas and just think of it like one of those obligations.

Sounds lovely to me. I’d gladly go think yourself lucky they’re inviting you. One day every two years.

Sounds lovely - she sounds like a lovely DIL - embrace it! No grinches allowed at Christmas x

No she is not being ungrateful. Many people prefer a simple relaxing day and DIL seems to be overcompensating for her childhood.

I don't have to be grateful for you going overboard, cooking multiple meals that I don't want or need, planning everything to a T simply because I don't want to upset you. It's called pandering.

Maybe the DS is making up for his childhood of shit Christmases being passed from pillar to post? Interesting the the OP is hellbent on blaming everything on the DIL.

If you go to someone’s house and they put you up for 4 days, cook for you and involve you in their children’s Christmas then frankly you’re a massive dick for having the attitude of “I don’t have to be grateful for this because it’s not what I want”. If you aren’t going to be gracious in someone else’s home then don’t go and take the piss out of their hospitality.

I agree that the selfish thing is going and being the rain on everyone else’s parade.

The OP should be able to decide that she doesn’t want to do Christmas Day with her DS. That’s fine. She can have her day and then visit her DS for something that works better for everyone.

@NanaZoZo It sounds like a lovely Christmas Day to me! But that’s quite irrelevant since this is about you.

If you’d rather have a relaxing day in pyjamas, then it’s perfectly fine to do that! See them on Boxing Day instead, and enjoy the more chilled out atmosphere. It’s likely to be better for everyone that way.

There aren’t really wrongs or rights when it comes to Christmas - families/couples/individuals will all have their own interpretations of what makes the best day.

Exactly.

Also, you might want to consider how your son would feel with you not wanting to go to his house for Christmas Day, especially when it’s only every other year.

A lot of people hang onto childhood feelings. He may well be deeply hurt and think you didn’t want to spend the entire Christmas with him as a child and now you don’t when he’s an adult and going to a lot of effort.

He may react quite strongly at this rejection.

I don't have to be grateful for you going overboard, cooking multiple meals that I don't want or need, planning everything to a T simply because I don't want to upset you. It's called pandering.

It is the definition of ungrateful IMO

I'm also on team "suck it up", but I don't think you're an arsehole for finding it all exhausting and having a grumble about it here. That's what MN is for!

Christmas does tend to accentuate differences between family cultures and attitudes. How we feel about Christmas is usually quite deep-seated and that will be as true for you as it is for your DIL. I wonder whether you also find it a bit hurtful that your DS has bought into this souped-up Christmas so enthusiastically, because it's a rejection of the low-key version you provided during his childhood? It's not necessarily true, it may just be that he adores his wife and likes seeing her have the Christmas that makes her happy.

If you’re not a very festive person anyway, op, just go and do it for the sake of your dd, dil and dgd. No biggie. Nice food and a walk. Not exactly torture.
Edited to add : Have your lazy pj day on Boxing Day instead.

If the festive period isn't that big a deal why do you care so much about someone making it more formal? Are you sure there isn't some underlying jealousy that they are doing this to such a high degree? It is OTT I agree and I bloody love a lazy Xmas. But, for 1 day per year it's hardly a big deal really is it?

This could be about me, but I can’t play the piano, so probably not 😂

I had crap childhood Christmases with abusive mother, ugh. Memories I don’t like to think of. Now go all out and have created lots of little traditions including all the kids opening stockings on our bed together in the morning and yes, a bracing walk after lunch!

PiLs do very different kind of Christmas. We’ve had ours at home (alone) the last couple of years and I asked kids and DH if we should spend it at theirs this year. Was really surprised (and touched) that all of them, separately, reacted strongly against it, with varying degrees of ‘we like OUR traditions in OUR house, thanks very much, we’ll stick with the usual.’

MiL has reacted predictably badly and has put pressure on all of us individually - personally, I’d have been up for it, but nobody else wants it. Without wishing to project here OP, it could well be that your son loves his wife’s idea of Christmas more than yours. At the moment, there’s a space for you in that Christmas, but it may not take much for them to retreat into the core family unit.

Suck it up.

Your granddaughter will have fabulous Christmas memories. Have a lazy Boxing Day instead.

I absolutely love the sound of your DIL’s Christmas. (Although I agree with you that comfy clothes should feature until at least midday!)
Plus she’s doing it all from a point of vulnerability after probably longing for a Christmas like this as a child herself. Just trying to make Christmas enjoyable and special for her children.
Try thinking of it in a different way and just enjoy the day with your family. Eat, drink, and be merry!

It sounds like a great day to me and the best bit is you get to play with your dgc. If you don't want to go on the walk fake a migraine so you need to lie in a dark room for an hour or 2. You should be grateful you are invited by your DS and DDiL and you are invited to share Xmas day with your DGC. I see posts on MN and GN every year from people complaining they will be alone at Xmas or feel excluded from Xmas with DGC. On Boxing Day you can spend all day in PJ's if you want to. I'm going to my DS this Xmas day and I'm looking forward to having no hours of cooking or washing up. I just offer to pay for the turkey crown and the beef joint and take champagne.