To hate spending Christmas with my DIL

[NanaZoZo]

I have 2 DC and one DSD, DS married, lives down south, has a 2 year old. DD and DSD live in Australia.
DS and DIL have taken over the hosting of Christmas. My DCs dad and I split when they were tiny (1 and 4) so for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.
Here is the issue - I hate it. It’s not necessarily over the top, it’s traditional. She likes everyone to dress up nicely, they buy expensive food (think Harrods and Fortnum and Mason). Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me. I’d rather we stayed in PJs till noon, then threw on Christmas jumpers and had a nice roast. The day is quite rigid in her mind, it has to be Chinese on Christmas Eve even if we don’t fancy it, dinner is at 2 no negotiations on that either, she spends about an hour playing us Christmas songs on the piano and we all have to go a walk after dinner even if you just want to nap!!
Now like I say she’s lovely and it comes from a good place (she just wants DGD to have positive Christmas memories and tradition). But I really hate it, we had 2021 (when they had a 4 month old and still put on this grand Christmas) so it’s back to us this year, and I just can’t bring myself to look forward to it.
I’m half tempted to say we will come down on Boxing Day and spend the day lazily with DH and the dog. But I do want to see DGD on Christmas and I know she sill probably be more engaged this year which will make for fun. It would also be difficult to explain why we weren’t coming down as there is nothing keeping us up here. DH also thinks it’s just worse this year as last year we went to Australia for Christmas, and it was a busy one too (DSD has 3 kids to the DGC were ruling the day) so we haven’t had a chill at home Christmas since Covid.
WIBU to say we aren’t going down until Boxing Day, knowing it will probably hurt DIL, or should I suck it up, get in the festive spirit, go along with it all so we are part of DGD happy Christmas?

It's one day every other year. I think you're being unreasonable. You can slob around in your pyjamas every other weekend of the year.

You will probably find it much less annoying as your grandchild gets older, that will provide some welcome diversion!

I’m not sure the DIL is controlling though.

The OP’s DS and his wife have decided to do Christmas very differently from how his mum had done it. His wife does a lot of work to make this happen but other than the OP sneering there’s no reason to decide that it’s some awful controlling DIL imposing fancy chocolates and harrods food on people.

If the OP objects, maybe she should stay at home and have her Christmas Day in her pyjamas and they can drive down to see them in the period between Christmas and new year.

Maybe her DS and DIL will be relived they can have their Christmas without having to invite the grinch. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also OP, you’ve given a lot of (irrelevant) identifying details, are you hoping she’ll see the thread, or that some newspaper picks it up?

Why don't you offer to host? Then you can do things your way?

Or if you genuinely find Christmas difficult can you explain to your son that you'd rather visit at a different time?

I think people are being a bit mean to you op. Usually it's the other way round where a dil doesn't want to go to her in laws for Christmas.

I don't like a rigid, formal Christmas. We all have our own ways of doing things. There's no right or wrong way.

But in a way you are quite lucky that she's welcoming you with open arms and putting on a grand day. So many dils push out their mil in favour of their own family. If you can grin and bear it you get to spend the day with your son and dgc.

Sounds lovely! How about I go to her xmas instead of you and you can go in my place to MILs where turkey is cooked overdone the night before and reheated to oblivion the next day, everything is served with a tinge of resentment and they go to bed at 8pm so we have to sit quietly from then on with our toddler asleep in the next room.

That honestly sounds like a lovely Christmas and even better, you don’t have to organise it, just show up and only every other year.

I am the DIL and I have MIL and BIL/partner every bloody year for like 5 days. It sucks up all the best quality time with my dc at Christmas. They turn up for a holiday. Eat and drink and don’t contribute anything (might between them bring a bottle of wine and some crisps). They drink and sit at the table looking at their phones. Go for a walk for 20 minutes. Return to sit at the table, drink and look at their phones. On repeat for 5 days. It’s tedious. Dh wouldn’t see them if we didn’t have them over, so somehow we always do. But god, I wish they’d just do something interesting. Or only come for the day. Or not eat and drink a mortgage payment worth of food and drink and chocolates. I’d love one really nice Christmasy day with everyone actually participating.

OP is complaining about being served Hotel Chocolat chocolates instead of Quality Street, it’s so petty.

Might be better if she stays home.

I love listening to talented musicians play (as long as it's not the violin). As someone with no musical talent whatsoever I find it extremely impressive and generally enjoy traditional Christmas carols. Sounds like most of your family is enjoying it. It's not like it's your granddaughter doing a rubbish rendition of three blind mice on the recorder over and over.

But OK it's not your cup of tea, can't you just sit down and get lost in your thoughts for a bit? You don't have to sing along if you don't want to, do you?

When I think about my childhood, Christmas Day was always spent with grandparents and was more special because of it. Even if you don't care for it, think about memories for your grandchildren - it's worth it just for that. Any day can be spent in pjs, but if you don't want to go for the walk don't go - mine always wanted to have a nap after dinner!

I've had some truly awful Christmases in the past, a couple of them were bodering on the traumatic due horrible family dynamics. The way I got through it was to keep telling myself that it was only for a short period of time and that as soon as I was back at home I would do what I wanted food wise and timetable wise. What you are facing sounds a bit full on but it is all coming from a very sincere wish to create a special day. I would just get through it, some of it will be enjoyable, some of it won't be but keep telling yourself that is it just for a short while and when you get home you can do your own thing

I’m going to guess that the OP has no interest in ‘hosting’ a Christmas. She barely hosted one while her children were children. So I can’t imagine she wants to be facilitating the magic of Christmas for anyone else.

That’s fine. Maybe it’s time to just straight out admit that she’s really not a Christmas person and she’d rather just have a low key day with her husband and dog.

It’s OK to do that. But she may need to recognise that her son feels quite differently to her about what makes a good Christmas and stop blaming that on his wife.

Maybe also less actual sneering about the decorations and chocolates would have helped here too.

How does she sound ungrateful? She has every right to prefer a chilled out day not a over planned structured day.

TBH it all does sound a bit forced, however,
You say your DIL is lovely
Your GD is in her 'magical' Christmas years

You just need to suck it up.

There's definitely something about DIL having shit Christmases when she was younger and now trying to overcompensate.

A few days before going you need to fake an injury in case you want to get out of the walk

Slightly random thought, but if ddil has access to a keyboard you could suggest that she offers her skills to local care homes/nursing homes. A live musician singing carols for 30 minutes would find a very appreciative audience each year . . .

It sounds bloody AWFUL but I'd go along with it for the 24 hours just so i can see my grandchildren and see their Christmas joy!

It's one day and they are making their own memories for their family. That's your grandkids they are putting first and foremost

Join in and help make it fun or stay away for the day. Don't be such a self centred curmudgeon

I mean, luckily she is classy with her Christmas decorations? What planet are you on. They have kids....

My family Christmases were PJs, hanging out, opening presents and TV. I can’t distinguish one memory of them from another. So dull. So boring. I now try and make sure we get out for a walk as I want DC to have nice memories. You can sit in PJs and scoff in front of the sofa any time but a walk out when it’s all quiet and few cars is a very rare thing. I’m not sure I’d like the piano playing either but you could bust yourself tidying up whilst listening.

I’m your DIL right down to the childhood christmases and I’m working hard to make our Christmas an “event” like this. I’d be horrified if my MIL had this perspective! You sound quite mean tbh and your DS might very well enjoy the Christmas feeling like such a special day! It would be horrible of you not to go - just spend Boxing Day in your pyjamas if that’s something you need to do!

On the walk front - everyone feels better after a walk so you do sound like you’re just being lazy here (unless mobility issues of course). But if this is the worst bit for you then maybe just make it clear you’d really prefer to stay in and be firm but kind about it.

im with you, it sounds dreadful

You don't really like her at all do you? Yet another mother who thinks her son's wife is controlling him not that your son is capable of making choices which you don't like. Your DIL's Christmas sounds lovely. You sound quite unpleasant. Stay at home in your PJs and leave them to it.

Because her DIL didn’t have the best start (as per OP) and this matters to her. One day of cooperating every other year isn’t a big ask esp as they have a good relationship. It’s just selfish to be a grinch.

Yes I would find that excruciating. Particularly if before child was born it would just be 3 adults watching another adult perform for an hour!

It’s one day out of 365 in a year. Could you just relax in pjs with your DH and your dog any other time?