To hate spending Christmas with my DIL

[NanaZoZo]

I have 2 DC and one DSD, DS married, lives down south, has a 2 year old. DD and DSD live in Australia.
DS and DIL have taken over the hosting of Christmas. My DCs dad and I split when they were tiny (1 and 4) so for 25 years Christmas was them spending Christmas Eve and morning with their dad and coming to us after midday for dinner and the evening. This worked great as I’m not a massively festive person. Now we swap year as to who goes down for Christmas.
My DIL is lovely, we get on great, however she’s nothing like me. She didn’t have a great childhood and has no relationship with her parents, so now she places a high importance on Christmas for her DD and I think DS has indulged in it too.
Here is the issue - I hate it. It’s not necessarily over the top, it’s traditional. She likes everyone to dress up nicely, they buy expensive food (think Harrods and Fortnum and Mason). Luckily they keep the decor classy but they spent thousands on it including expensive Christmas only tableware. It’s all a bit much for me. I’d rather we stayed in PJs till noon, then threw on Christmas jumpers and had a nice roast. The day is quite rigid in her mind, it has to be Chinese on Christmas Eve even if we don’t fancy it, dinner is at 2 no negotiations on that either, she spends about an hour playing us Christmas songs on the piano and we all have to go a walk after dinner even if you just want to nap!!
Now like I say she’s lovely and it comes from a good place (she just wants DGD to have positive Christmas memories and tradition). But I really hate it, we had 2021 (when they had a 4 month old and still put on this grand Christmas) so it’s back to us this year, and I just can’t bring myself to look forward to it.
I’m half tempted to say we will come down on Boxing Day and spend the day lazily with DH and the dog. But I do want to see DGD on Christmas and I know she sill probably be more engaged this year which will make for fun. It would also be difficult to explain why we weren’t coming down as there is nothing keeping us up here. DH also thinks it’s just worse this year as last year we went to Australia for Christmas, and it was a busy one too (DSD has 3 kids to the DGC were ruling the day) so we haven’t had a chill at home Christmas since Covid.
WIBU to say we aren’t going down until Boxing Day, knowing it will probably hurt DIL, or should I suck it up, get in the festive spirit, go along with it all so we are part of DGD happy Christmas?

I think her Christmas sounds wonderful, I'm sure I'd love it.

I would be very disappointed if I found myself spending Christmas with someone who wanted to slob around in pyjamas and sleep between meals. That sounds like a miserable and depressing Christmas to me.

Then she can not go.

But if she goes and doesn’t join it at all (the walk is easily skipped) then she is throwing a dampener on everyone else’s Christmas.

You should do what you wasn't. It's absurd spending thousands on Xmas and it gives children unrealistic expectations that they won't be able to afford later on in life.
I refuse to celebrate Xmas in any way, shape or form and my family can lump it. I'm a pagan anyway so it means nothing to me.

That’s basically what the OP is being told though.
If she’s going to be miserable about it then just stay home.
If she wants to see her grandchildren (which sounds debatable really) then she should suck it up and stop moaning someone’s Christmas in their own home. Particularly when it comes to complaining that things are done to accommodate the grandkids!

Not forced to sit and watch as such but DS goes and stands by her and my DH finds her piano skills bewildering so looks over her like a hawk

It sounds like the DS and his wife enjoy this but of things. And the OP’s husband actually enjoys it too.

I think it might be worth running the concept through the OP’s grinch filter before deciding the DIL is arrogant and rude.

Also the DGD is 2 now. This year the Christmas traditions may shift a bit to be more focused around her anyway. Probably still involving the piano and
walks - but I’d wager the DIL wants to share this stuff with her daughter (rather than being the focus of the weird living room concert the OP wants us to imagine).

Maybe the OP should brace herself for the DGD joining in with the carols and playing some toddler instruments as part of it. 😆

she cant be that traditional if it is a chinese meal for christmas dinner!!!! no turkey or roast??? totally weird if you ask me! Has she ever had a proper christmas dinner with turkey and all the trimmings?

It doesn’t sound like a horrible time tbh but I struggle with being in other people’s homes and not being able to chill and do what I like so avoid spending Christmas with other people. I don’t think I agree with all the “suck it up” posts tbh, it all sounds rather rigid and I would dread what you describe too. I really think it’s rather OTT to take offence at someone wanting to spend Christmas Day quietly if they’re coming for Boxing Day.

Chinese is for Christmas Eve.

What makes you say that this is all just your DIL’s doing? That your son just indulges her?

Maybe your DIL is doing it for your son? Maybe he has told her that he didn’t like his Christmases before and she does this to make it special for him? Maybe he loves the fact that his wife is putting in so much effort to create happy, healthy Christmas Days?

If they are all happy, why doesn’t it bring you joy to see your nearest and dearest so happy and enjoying themselves with simple pleasures on a family day? It’s just a few carols, a lovely lunch and a nice walk in a beautifully decorated home.

I think PP’s are right, there is a bit of jealousy and resentment in your post.

Listening to Christmas carols is hardly the same as an hour of some Bulgarian experimental percussion music. One hour every two years to sit and listen to someone playing a bit of christmas music which your son and husband obviously enjoy. Snidy comments on the tast of the decorations, amount of food prepared and type of chocolates on offer.
Maybe a reflection on why your son is married to someone who has such a generous spirit and supports her to organise this type of day, would be a good use of your time traveling from the North to London.

Oh I agree. If she goes she has to accept the host's offerings.

That's why I wouldn't be going.

It sounds great to me op.
Stop being grumpy.

It must be a lot of work for your DIL could you make the suggestion that you go on Boxing Day to cut down the work for her (its not just Christmas Day that she has to hot you but from the 23rd which is a lot for her)- and from this see what the reaction would be? If your DIL is offended you know, as another pp point out you have 364 other days to chill out. If though it is taken well and she really will find it easier - miss a year travel down on Boxing Day - the roads are busy mind, and relax in their company and enjoy the aftermath.

Her Christmas sounds amazing! She provides you with Harrods food and a free Chinese takeaway. Sounds heaven. I also love carols.

Sadly, I think you are being a bit of a grump. Just enjoy it. Buy a loose comfy formal dress and don’t go on the walk.

I cannot think of anything worse than a hallmark channel christmas like that.

Sounds like everyone else enjoys it with the exception to you. Sounds like jealousy to me, you need to get a grip or just stay away. My approach to Christmas is about my kids not my MIL who resent another women who married her son.

Some people can actually get joy put of seeing their loved ones happy. It's a privilege to see your family so happy and welcoming, despite having a less than happy upbringing.

So yes, it should be a day of absolute joy to see her ds so happy and content with his wife and the way they live their lives.

If the op seriously can't see the happiness in that, then yes, they should stay home.

Maybe a reflection on why your son is married to someone who has such a generous spirit and supports her to organise this type of day, would be a good use of your time traveling from the North to London.

😆

I suspect many MNetters are seeing themselves in the controlling DIL!

There's probably another thread somewhere about having the extra special day that someone puts soo much effort into being spoilt by having to endure grumpy MiL who doesn't want to join in.

Sounds like she's putting in a lot of effort to make happy memories for her DCs. If you feel more like the Grinch don't go, but you'll miss out on seeing your happy DGCs on christmas day. Your choice.
You could suggest that you appreciate she might want xmas day just for her small family but run the risk she'll think you can't be bothered with her DC and may not invite you again.

Chinese for Christmas Eve, not Christmas dinner.

Last year she had a four month old. This year she has a busy toddler. I bet she has downplayed the arrangements this year to make it toddler proof, so decorations will be more subdued, she might be more chilled about the meal time , and I doubt the toddler will sit through an hour of piano music. I would go and offer to baby sit with your DGD while they go for a walk.

Is this a feeler thread for someone penning a new Christmas sitcom?

You come across dreadfully. Whining that they have nice chocolate? Whining that your grandkids are getting a nice Christmas? Stay at your own house.

My only objection to posh chocolates is that people say "ooh, they're so delicious, you only need one", when you really want to tuck in mindlessly like you can with a tub. Sometimes it is nice to just reach out without taking your eyes off the TV.