Page 9 | To ask why there is an extra child in my house?

SusanTheShocked · 2023-10-21T13:58:51+00:00

My daughter’s (9 years old) friend from school just turned up at my house. My DH answered the door as I was in the bath and her dad dropped her off. My partner assumed I’d made plans and didn’t tell him…but I didn’t make plans. I assume dd did, but didn’t tell me? I don’t want to say anything as they are playing nicely and I don’t want to make the girl feel bad, though I will be having a word with dd later. I have the mums phone number and need to message her as I’m not sure what’s happening/when she’s being picked up etc. I need some advice on how to word the message to the mother in a way that doesn’t make it seem like I’m unhappy she is here, but letting her know that I had no idea this was happening. (For context I am very socially awkward so worrying about how to word this probably more than I should be)

minipie · 21/10/2023 21:42

MeridianB · 21/10/2023 21:32

I’m still confused about the girl’s dad arriving without confirming the whole thing in advance with you or DH. There’s no way I’d just turn up at someone’s house to drop off a 9yo unless it was prearranged with an adult.

Same, but maybe the dad assumed the mum had arranged it? If the parents don’t live together or the mum was out all day and child told dad it was all arranged already … I could imagine dad just going ok then and not checking with mum.

mathanxiety · 21/10/2023 21:55

Pooheadbumbum · 21/10/2023 19:59

@mathanxiety yes I’m more thinking of the posts re teenagers roaming the house uninvited! I mean… where do they go? Where do they sit? I’ve really no desire to spend an extra £30 at the drop of a hat on Papa Johns (just being facetious but that’s what 1 pp does who is clearly a much nicer person than me!!!)

I had five DCs at home, all of whom liked to have friends around. If anyone wanted to stay for dinner they ate whatever was in the pot. For snacks, I usually let them make popcorn. I also kept a big tub of the cheapest ice cream I could buy in the freezer. The secret to hosting kids is keeping their expectations of food and home comforts as low as possible. You have to start as you mean to continue.

As they got into the teen years, they all had a little disposable income from babysitting or other PT jobs, and they were welcome to go and get themselves a slice of pizza somewhere if they wanted more than basic fare.

Early on, when they were young and playdates were done by arrangement, I weeded out the whiny kids who complained that I didn't have the specific kind of yogurt or crackers they liked. Life is too short to deal with that kind of prince or princess on a regular basis.

They sat on the couch, chairs, and the floor. We had a PS2 and a Wii, and Guitar Hero, all in the sitting room, which they played with a lot. They also rode bikes, and played basketball in the alley. Usually, if someone came knocking, it was an invitation to come out and play. That often ended up with my DCs heading off to someone else's house or other kids ending up at mine.

Teens usually hung out in their bedrooms (I never allowed opposite sex friends to do that though). And if one of the DCs had a friend over, only one other DC could have a friend over at the same time, with allowances made for personality of the other friend and purpose of coming over (doing a homework project or studying was fine; quiet child fine).

Tandora · 21/10/2023 21:55

wishon · 21/10/2023 17:36

@All2Well I feel that direct clarifications can actually help things sound less passive aggressive. If you think it's DD's fault, and if you don't want them to feel bad or to rush, you can state all of this directly.

Like "Oh I wasn't expecting xyz but it's on DD and not your child, and I'll have a chat with DD about it. Please don't feel bad, we don't have to be anywhere so don't rush to pick her up" just sounds a bit better than "I wasn't expecting xyz, I'll have a chat with DD about not inviting kids home without permission. Luckily we don't have to be anywhere today". To me at least.

Edited

I disagree. I don’t think this rephrasing makes the text sound any less rude, or even any less “passive aggressive”.

i think the problem is that telling the parents you were not expecting their DD is highly likely (to a NT person at least) to sound like an indirect way of communicating you are not happy with the situation / the daughter is not welcome/ the parents + children did wrong such that you feel the need to point it out. The only way to avoid that interpretation would be to send a (genuinely funny) jovial and casual text, making humour out of the situation , while emphasising what an absolutely welcome/ delightful surprise it was. And no hint either that it might not be acceptable in the future. I think this would only work if it were sincerely genuine tbh.

If I were the girl’s parents and got this text, or your rewriting of it, I’d be straight round to pick up my DD, feel so embarrassed and be avoiding OP in the future!

CharlotteBog · 21/10/2023 22:00

Pherian · 21/10/2023 20:17

Yes I do, and I make sure that the parents are aware if they don’t. We live in a safe community and most kids this age will be able to roam around with friends. The “let your parents know you’re here” is a courtesy to see if they need a ride home at a certain time.

So you are checking with the parents. That's not quite just going with it.
OP wasn't sure whether she should be letting the parents know she had their child.

Pherian · 21/10/2023 22:04

No, not checking with the parents. Simply having the children inform the parents where they are. There is a difference between a 9 year old and an 11 and 13 year old child. Perhaps stop being so pedantic :)

TheFifthTellytubby · 21/10/2023 22:04

hadrianswallsycamore · 21/10/2023 17:17

@supersonicginandtonic me too. I hardly ever just cook for the children in my family! They either walk in and say hi or I walk in and see unknown shoes in the porch so know someone is here. I want my home to always be open to my kids friends

Our house was a bit like that when our kids were older - several of them and friends calling in all the time. To work out how many more for tea, we used to joke about counting the unknown shoes and dividing by two...😁

Pooheadbumbum · 21/10/2023 22:11

@mathanxiety thank you that’s really helpful. I find most of my eldest’s friends have varying lists of dietary preferences which are annoying!

I also meal plan for the week so the idea of having to perform some sort of loaves and fishes style miracle in the coming future is daunting 🤣

So I’m right in thinking from what you’ve said (re only 2 children having friends over at a time) that it wasn’t a complete free for all? If so, how was this managed? Presumably some preplanning had to go into this?

Also, was an adult always present? What about new friends who you hadn’t met?

(sorry like I say this is new territory for both DH and I!)

CharlotteBog · 21/10/2023 22:19

Pherian · 21/10/2023 22:04

No, not checking with the parents. Simply having the children inform the parents where they are. There is a difference between a 9 year old and an 11 and 13 year old child. Perhaps stop being so pedantic :)

Your reply that I questioned suggested the OP "just go with it" which I took to mean you would let a 9 (or in your case an 11) year old arrive at your house w/o you knowing in advance and that you'd be fine with it.

In fact the parents will know that child is with you because you ask the child to inform their parents. Whether it's the child informing, or you checking the parents know, the outcome is the same - you are taking some responsibility for ensuring the parents of pre-teen children know where they are.

I don't think that's pedantic.

SequentialAnalyst · 21/10/2023 22:32

I think you have all done well. As a socially awkward person myself, finding friends that were on my wavelength was a godsend - there weren't many, but one of them I am still friends with 63 years later. (We bonded over being the only kids in the class who had no telly, and loving the same radio programmes.)

Also the girls are at an age where they can appear innocent, but can also collude in cunning plans that wrong foot both sets of parents - at least the first time they try it!

If they didn't do that, and if your DD is anything like me (and perhaps you?) then she may take being told off, however gently, more to heart than other (normal?NT?) people.

TheFifthTellytubby · 21/10/2023 22:37

This post reminded me of something that happened many years ago when my eldest DD was about 9. I had a call from the mother of one of her friends who lived at the other end of the village, to say he’d asked to come over and play with DD and she was just checking it would be OK before he set off. I said it was fine and told DD to expect her friend in about 10 minutes. When he still hadn't turned up after nearly half an hour, I got a bit worried and phoned his mum. She was adamant he had set off just after we spoke and was naturally concerned to hear that he hadn't arrived. Then she had a lightbulb moment. Long story short, he'd actually told her he was going to play with a different friend with a name that sounded very similar to DD's. We all had a laugh, fortunately no harm was done.

whynotwhatknot · 21/10/2023 22:39

what if you had plans you have to say you didnt know andmaybe they should message next time to double check

LyndaLaHughes · 21/10/2023 23:27

ElleLeopine · 21/10/2023 15:17

Perhaps I'm out of touch, but there is no way that I would have dropped my child off at someone's house without having had communication with the parents first!

This

mathanxiety · 22/10/2023 01:25

Pooheadbumbum · 21/10/2023 22:11

@mathanxiety thank you that’s really helpful. I find most of my eldest’s friends have varying lists of dietary preferences which are annoying!

I also meal plan for the week so the idea of having to perform some sort of loaves and fishes style miracle in the coming future is daunting 🤣

So I’m right in thinking from what you’ve said (re only 2 children having friends over at a time) that it wasn’t a complete free for all? If so, how was this managed? Presumably some preplanning had to go into this?

Also, was an adult always present? What about new friends who you hadn’t met?

(sorry like I say this is new territory for both DH and I!)

My conditions were pretty flexible, I thought. If we were having certain children over, I wouldn't consider anyone extra. For certain others, I didn't mind at all if there were a few of them at the same time. If someone showed up when the house was already full, I would suggest taking bikes or skates out or going to the park. The kids who showed up randomly lived in easy walking distance, so it sometimes happened that my DC would end up going to their home instead.

Just to maintain my sanity, I tended to put away certain toys if certain kids were coming to play - sets with a gazillion small pieces, anything a DC would be sad about if broken, and anything hard to replace. The number of eyes in the back of my head was limited, and some children were less careful with toys than mine were.

Everyone was a new friend I hadn't met until I met them. The only way to cross that threshold was to meet them and give them a trial run, so to speak. Generally, they would be on their best behaviout until about three visits in, and then they would slip a little. By that time, they would also know me and would know I wouldn't hesitate to tell them not to run, jump on furniture, or screech, etc, indoors. After a visit that I felt didn't go well, I would sit down with my own DC and ask them to rein in a mischievous friend on future visits, and they could blame me for my strict rules

I have to say that there were no out and out horrors among the DCs' friends. All of them were nice kids on the whole. I'm sure my DCs were annoying on occasion in other people's houses, despite pep talks, warnings, and reminders from me. Kids will be kids. The only thing I really found annoying was parents who showed up to collect their offspring significantly later than the arranged time.

Ourshoddyhouse · 22/10/2023 08:39

Thinking back to being 9yo

"Mum, can I go play round Vanessa's on Saturday?"

"Has Vanessa's mum said it's okay?"

(Me having no idea)

"Yeaaaah"

I don't remember my mum having any of my friends numbers, and on a nice day I'd traipse the village calling on people until I found someone to play with.

wishon · 22/10/2023 09:13

Tandora · 21/10/2023 21:55

I disagree. I don’t think this rephrasing makes the text sound any less rude, or even any less “passive aggressive”.

i think the problem is that telling the parents you were not expecting their DD is highly likely (to a NT person at least) to sound like an indirect way of communicating you are not happy with the situation / the daughter is not welcome/ the parents + children did wrong such that you feel the need to point it out. The only way to avoid that interpretation would be to send a (genuinely funny) jovial and casual text, making humour out of the situation , while emphasising what an absolutely welcome/ delightful surprise it was. And no hint either that it might not be acceptable in the future. I think this would only work if it were sincerely genuine tbh.

If I were the girl’s parents and got this text, or your rewriting of it, I’d be straight round to pick up my DD, feel so embarrassed and be avoiding OP in the future!

Show quote history

Yeah I don't disagree with anything you said at all! But I'm sure you can agree that between these 2 texts -

"Oh I wasn't expecting xyz but it's on DD and not your child, and I'll have a chat with DD about it. Please don't feel bad, we don't have to be anywhere so don't rush to pick her up"

versus

"I wasn't expecting xyz, I'll have a chat with DD about not inviting kids home without permission."

The 1st one sounds way less unhappy!

What happened was the person I was replying to had suggested the 2nd text... But she was really upset it had been interpreted as passive aggressive.

She then clarified that in composing the 2nd text, she had wanted to get across that it was DD's fault and for the parents not to feel bad and rush. So I suggested she just put those exact clarifications in directly, to soften the message! Directness actually is better here!

For me, I wouldn't exactly mention the mix-up in a negative light either but if you were going to, I think the 1st text is better than the 2nd!

Tandora · 22/10/2023 12:19

@wishon yes that’s true, the first does sound better than the second 😂

Nononsensemumsy · 22/10/2023 17:51

Play dates at 9 I thought that was for little ones? My dcs had friends in and out all the time from when they started playing out at around the age of 7. They went round all the houses in turn, sometimes it was like Piccadilly Circus! I’d never even have thought of contacting anyone’s parent. If it got to teatime I’d just say our teas ready dc will be out after. Just ask your dd’s friend what time she’s being picked up and take it from there.

Jumpingthruhoops · 22/10/2023 18:10

All2Well · 21/10/2023 15:09

You run the risk of them just dumping their child on you whenever they feel like it, you need to be honest but nice.

"Hello Ava's Mum, hope all is well! I think we've had some crossed wires somewhere 😂. When I've got out of the bath, I've found Ava playing downstairs but I wasn't expecting a play date today. It was DH who answered the door to Ava's Dad and he assumed that I'd arranged it and forgot to tell him. Maybe DD arranged it without telling me, she does love playing with Ava so it wouldn't suprise me! Will have a chat with her later and explain she needs to ask me first as we might not have been in and I'd hate either of them to be disappointed. The girls are having a lovely time playing and luckily our plans today can be flexible but it would really help if you could let me know when you plan on collecting her so I can make plans for dinner and know what to do about our evening, thanks. She's a pleasure to have and they get on so well so I'm happy to schedule a proper play date soon x"

Edited

THIS is a great message. Honest but still super friendly.

You need to convey your expectations going forward - otherwise dad will be dropping the kid off whenever he wants!

celticprincess · 22/10/2023 18:43

Sounds like you’ve coped well with it all and it worked out great. My youngest DD started inviting friends over around the same time. Usually checked with me first but all arrangements were between them via their phones. One would arrive after school before 4pm having had their tea already but we don’t eat too after 5 so it would get a bit awkward as we didn’t want to send the child home so she would often have extra tea with us - luckily there old enough to tell us about allergies . And I offered what we were having and no alternative and was happy do so. Then the child’s phone would ring and they were being collected or met for the street. Was always lovely as my eldest is autistic and doesn’t socialise outside of school. It felt weird that these play dates weren’t being facilitated anymore by the parents but now kids have mobile phones they kind of sort themselves out. Interesting youngest is now at secondary and her new set of friends so love a bit further than the previous primary friends who walked round. and I don’t know any of the parents now.

TheHumanSatsuma · 22/10/2023 18:50

Perfect!

VeneziaJ · 22/10/2023 18:54

macandcheeses · 21/10/2023 16:48

I'm also autistic and can't get my head around the idea of pretending anything. For what reason? It's absolutely fine to tell the other parents you had no idea. I would have done it as soon as it happened tbh but I'm not at all good with change or having people in my house. A random child appearing would be an absolute no and the children need to learn by consequence that it's not acceptable for them to arrange things without involving their parents.

Pretending you knew is to spare the other parent from feeling hugely mortified and embarrassed that their child has been put into a situation where they were not invited! I have ADHD and am often scatty I would have been beyond mortified if I had received a text like the earlier one!

Littlezoo · 22/10/2023 19:04

I constantly have other peoples kids in my house, they come and go and if they are here at tea time they get fed. I’d be shocked if I went a day without seeing a random kid in my house

nomadmummy · 22/10/2023 19:16

This!

WinterDeWinter · 22/10/2023 19:26

@SusanTheShocked I just wanted to say how brilliantly I think you've navigated this quite complicated situation given your ND. REally impressive.

ManchesterLu · 22/10/2023 19:42

All2Well · 21/10/2023 15:09

You run the risk of them just dumping their child on you whenever they feel like it, you need to be honest but nice.

"Hello Ava's Mum, hope all is well! I think we've had some crossed wires somewhere 😂. When I've got out of the bath, I've found Ava playing downstairs but I wasn't expecting a play date today. It was DH who answered the door to Ava's Dad and he assumed that I'd arranged it and forgot to tell him. Maybe DD arranged it without telling me, she does love playing with Ava so it wouldn't suprise me! Will have a chat with her later and explain she needs to ask me first as we might not have been in and I'd hate either of them to be disappointed. The girls are having a lovely time playing and luckily our plans today can be flexible but it would really help if you could let me know when you plan on collecting her so I can make plans for dinner and know what to do about our evening, thanks. She's a pleasure to have and they get on so well so I'm happy to schedule a proper play date soon x"

Edited

There's really no need to go into that much detail, the other mum doesn't need OP's life story because of a simple misunderstanding.