To ask why there is an extra child in my house?

[SusanTheShocked]

My daughter’s (9 years old) friend from school just turned up at my house. My DH answered the door as I was in the bath and her dad dropped her off.

My partner assumed I’d made plans and didn’t tell him…but I didn’t make plans. I assume dd did, but didn’t tell me? I don’t want to say anything as they are playing nicely and I don’t want to make the girl feel bad, though I will be having a word with dd later.

I have the mums phone number and need to message her as I’m not sure what’s happening/when she’s being picked up etc.

I need some advice on how to word the message to the mother in a way that doesn’t make it seem like I’m unhappy she is here, but letting her know that I had no idea this was happening.

(For context I am very socially awkward so worrying about how to word this probably more than I should be)

To be fair that is probably exactly what would have happened 😂

Back in the day kids used to call round for their friends, play for the afternoon then make their own arrangements to go home, parent didn't do any organising.

This, and the other messages describing situations like it, does sound lovely.

Unfortunately this really isn’t the kind of area young children could wander back and forth in. There is a large antisocial, drug and alcohol problem. You really wouldn’t want to not know where a young child was around here.

We had an armed standoff just a few days ago on the corner! (Working on getting out of here as soon as possible, it was all we could afford to buy at the time, and wasn’t this bad back then).

I'm happy to drop off but I live in the middle of nowhere so have to drive everywhere anyway 😀
Also it's a good opportunity to see the other parents in their own space and get a sense of what they're like since OP doesn't know them.

“Hi girl’s mum. I’ve just got out of the bath to find ‘girl’ here. I didn’t know she was coming over today! Was there a play date I’d forgotten about?! Happy to keep her for today now she’s here though, will she need food?”

I still think you need to message the parents as some do take advantage.

Why don't you just ask the girl what time her dad is picking her up?

I’m hoping not to derail, so apologies if it’s seen as such. But, I’m interested in this….

I grew up rurally, consequently, no one ‘dropped’ in. Everything I was prearranged, and as we got older, we met up out of people’s houses in pubs etc (admittedly we did start ‘going out’ young!).

I now live in a town, but our house isn’t on an estate. And while it is within walking distance from things, I am not sure how I feel about this idea of my children’s friends just constantly being around without me knowing!

What if we have plans? What if I just don’t want people there? What if all of my children have friends over at the same time?!? We’ll be invaded!

Is this ‘dropping’ in really the norm? How long did they stay for?

(I have 4 children and find the lack of freedom very difficult and the thought of having MORE people here, is frankly terrifying!)

I should say, I happily have their friends over prearranged at times that suit us!

I have 4 kids my older 2 are year 9 & 10 .. I have a flow of children at my house ,they do 2 large pizzas 2 sides and a drink for £29.99 at papa John's if I don't have enough dinner I just order them that ... if she's a sweet girl I wouldn't make a fuss ,social etiquette is learned over time and children can mess up its not a big deal x

Very strange that the other parents just dropped their child off without double checking with you first.

Is it possible that the dad had a brain fart and dropped the child off at the wrong house?

YY to this ^

At age 9 there was always parent knowledge/agreement when my kids either went to someone's house or when we had kids over here.
I would never just go on e.g. "My Mum says John can come to my house after school" but would contact the parent to check.
When they started knocking for each other and having a bit more freedom round the village I would always make sure I sent a parent a text to let them know their kid was at my place.

Even now at 14 I send a text to a parent..."just checking you're expecting Steve to stay over at yours tonight".

I think being ND means you need to be a bit more lenient in how you explain it all to the children, but I would think it would be even more important to contact the parent as soon as possible.

No one did anything wrong, you don't need to tip toe around, just be honest and explain.

Year 9 and 10 is a whole lot different to age 9. The OP's DD is 9 years old.

'Hi friend, its nice to see you! Are u having some tea? What time is your dad picking you up?

@Pooheadbumbum just be sure you're the one who answers the door, and tell kids you're sorry but today isn't a good day to come in and play with little Jimmy.

My partners 11 and 13 year old sons frequently arrive back at the house with friends. All of which want feeding and drinks and snacks.

Instead of making a big deal out of it, because at some point you're going to not be so important in their lives, just go with it because when they get older and show back up at the house with friends it's a compliment. They could be anywhere, but they chose to be with you.

Just go with the flow. My eldest has friends here all the time without letting me know. He's secondary school age though so arrange things between them.
All I would say is that I wouldn't allow my youngest (8) to go over to a friends house without getting the ok from the parents. I find that a bit strange, at that age play dates are normally arranged between the parents, so I can see why your miffed.

@mathanxiety yes I’m more thinking of the posts re teenagers roaming the house uninvited! I mean… where do they go? Where do they sit? I’ve really no desire to spend an extra £30 at the drop of a hat on Papa Johns (just being facetious but that’s what 1 pp does who is clearly a much nicer person than me!!!)

Do you ask the 11 year olds whether their parents know where they are? I live rurally so things tend to be less spontaneous.

Yes I do, and I make sure that the parents are aware if they don’t. We live in a safe community and most kids this age will be able to roam around with friends. The “let your parents know you’re here” is a courtesy to see if they need a ride home at a certain time.

After the playdate is over, say next week, drop a text to the mum and arrange to let each other know if the girls make their own plans as your DD has form for forgetting to mention plans she makes ...

Jammyhand

Genuine feedback: I'm someone who appreciates direct honesty, but the message comes off as very passive aggressive, not honest or direct at all.

@All2Well did say "You run the risk of them just dumping their child on you whenever they feel like it, you need to be honest but nice." So I do think the message was intended to have passive aggressive elements ("please don't send your child round like that again" – only it doesn't actually say that and just beats around the bush in an accusatory way).

"Will have a chat with her later and explain she needs to ask me first as we might not have been in and I'd hate either of them to be disappointed" – why would she need/want to know what you're chatting with DD about and why? Why should she care about what your DD gets up to, and what your home set up is – unless it involves her somehow? It sounds like you're indirectly telling the mother about the potential inconvenience her own child's presence could have caused, by claiming you would talk to DD about that.

Essentially there's no direct request / conclusion to do with the recipient parent (e.g. for the parent to check with OP in future) in the message. It's just a long random ramble about why OP's DD shouldn't randomly invite others home, and how it's lucky that OP could take the child in today ("luckily our plans today can be flexible"). The message is "be guilty and grateful".

UNLESS you have a request for her like "please check with me in future", then the background / reason (about the inconvenience) is important. But just directly and nicely tell her that it might be inconvenient as you might not be home. Don't tell her that under the indirect guise of "I've had a chat with my DD about the inconvenience".

Also, I think it's arguably fine to honestly say you weren't expecting her child, but you can do that without talking about why DD shouldn't invite random children home in the long term etc. If you go on about how DD's actions were a mistake in such a long message in such a faux tinkly laugh manner, it makes the reader wonder what point you're trying to make about their child's presence in your home.

For those who were asking, this is exactly why the text suggested much earlier isn't simply factual, and would actually be pretty offensive to most people on the receiving end.

FWIW I've been amazed to learn that there's something wrong with 9 year old children inviting friends round without making arrangements in advance through parents. Things have clearly changed enormously since I was a child!

And I'm also pretty amazed to find that some people don't know that some other people call the midday meal dinner, and would need to have that explained to them.

What a weird thread!

Mr too. DH still does

Glad it all worked out in the end OP 👍

The thing about 9 year olds sorting play dates with each other and not informing parents is ok if they live in the same street or around the corner, and are just ‘knocking for each other’. This is what I did growing up, and it’s what my kids have all done and still do.
However there is a big difference when they’re organising play dates with school friends that they don’t live near so they can’t just walk over and knock on the door to play with their friend. These play dates are always done (in my experience) via parents as they involve drop offs and pick ups.
Two very different play situations between 9/10 year olds.

How much things change in 10 years.

I wouldn't have batted an eyelid at this. When 9 year olds weren't dropped off I would do a quick check that their parents actually knew where they were, in case they were worried, then they'd just get on with things.

What would you rather? It's a choice really. Kids don't have friends? Kids playing out? Kids at someone else's house? How welcoming you are now shapes that over the next few years. I always loved having them at mine so I guess that's why this kind of thing made me happy.

@PosterBoy (having not had this growing up due to being rural) can I just check…

these children dropping in, did they live next door/ in the same estate or whatever as you?

My children’s play dates (one of my children is 9), are all prearranged, and are all for at least 2-3 hours in the house, so fairly intense.

I’m still confused about the girl’s dad arriving without confirming the whole thing in advance with you or DH. There’s no way I’d just turn up at someone’s house to drop off a 9yo unless it was prearranged with an adult.