aibu to not breastfeed just beacuse i dont want to?

[lunalovegrooove]

I understand breast is best, but I don't want to do it.
I feel pressure and the implication that I am a bad mother. I think I have the right to choose, and that the medical establishment doesn't expect something this taxing from men in society.

Am I a bad mother?

I think op, I would like to understand more about what exactly it is about the idea of breastfeeding that puts you off?

I know for me, I did want to do it but I was really worried I'd feel uncomfortable or like i was doing something weird because I didn't know anyone who breastfed in my family. My mum and sister were very keen to promote me using formula and it felt quite isolating etc. I was very worried about bf in public. I was very worried about how sore I'd heard it was. I was very worried that bf babies don't sleep (which is a myth) and I was very worried I'd be taking something away from my dh as he wouldn't be able to feed ds for the first 6 months. (Not an issue since he takes the odd bottle and I pump when I need to).

I don't think there's enough support for women who want to try bf and there are a lot of myths and misconceptions about it because the education around how to do it, and especially how to handle it when it's not going well is very, very poor. I will say it is very intense especially in the early weeks and it can initially be painful while your body gets used to it or if there's an issue like a tongue tie and it can feel like a lot of pressure so I'd say it's important to want to do it because that's kind of what sees you through the tough bits.

Ds is 10 months now and honestly even though we had a rocky start, I love feeding him, I'm really glad I gave it a go, I'm really glad I found my bf support group because they gave me so much encouragement and solid info and advice and it's been really beneficial for ds in terms of easy to do out and about, an easy way to comfort him if he's upset and while it's not a complete panacea I do feel he's pretty healthy immunity wise for it. There is a lot I didn't know setting out and I had a lot of misinformation about bf so it would be good to understand what about it makes you not want to do it, just incase you have the same misconceptions I had. Even for me seeing other women in my bf support group breastfeeding slightly older babies and breastfeeding while also holding down a job, or having other kids to think about etc made it feel so much more doable and achievable and just - normal, because I hadn't really seen that before.

Ultimately its your body and your choice what you do with it. It's not a reflection of how much you love/ care for your baby if you choose not to bf and you don't need to justify your choices as a parent to anyone since you know your body and your mental health best. But it might not be what you think and if you do feel able, maybe it's worth a try? At the end of the day you can stop at any time if you decide its not working for you. But if you really don't feel comfortable, you are allowed to say no and it doesn't make you a bad person. You shouldn't be feeling huge pressure from anyone, they should be trying to understand your perspective.

@Housesellingnightmare Re bottle faff, I remember we had about 6 of the mam ones all in their little bits, about 5 different components. Cluttered up the kitchen. Then you dump it all in the steriliser and then making the bottles. And just ugggh. Waiting for it to cool.

You’re not supposed to fridge them but baby was diabolically impatient so we did in the end. Figured at nearly a year old was ok.

Honestly, if you have breast fed and formula fed, bf once established is so much less hassle. All you need is yourself.

The early days are barbaric and mental, but once established bf is so nice and easy.

Look up the science - as in correctly conducted studies. If that's not your thing, read "Cribsheet" which summarises some major studies and analyses them.

Very few benefits clearly established scientifically, certainly not as many as internet forums would have you believe.

WHO is primarily an organisation established to assist health outcomes in developing countries. There, lack of access of clean water and quality formula means that breastmilk will often be better and safer. Doesn't apply in the same way to developed countries.

Absolutely you should do what you want anyway, but having scientifically established facts could help you explain your position (if you feel you need to) to family and husband.

Noone will know when your baby is 5yo (or insert X age here) whether it was breastfed or not. According to the best science we have at the moment, it basically won't make an iota.

Look around the adults in your life - can you tell who was breastfed and who had formula? Are there any obvious differences you can spot a mile away? Didn't think so.

I breastfed mine for 2+ years. People will judge you for breastfeeding just as quickly as they will judge your decision to formula feed, so screw them and do what works for you.

@Coffeerum

clothing - you need maternity clothing and bras anyway, you just buy the ones that are for breast feeding.

lanolin cream and the like is available on prescription - free

breast pads are cotton wool and pretty cheap

my hand pump came as a bonus with an enormous avent bottle set £60 for the lot.

medela breast pump was a present from friends upon birth of the baby.

Arguably, having to switch to formula cost more as baby refused avent and medela bottles, had to buy a tonne of mam and then pay £15 a wk for formula…. Now £19… hate inflation.

I thought the perfect prep machine looked amazing but couldn’t validate the cost when only using for a few months.

fed is best

I bottle fed both of mine (various reasons) and they’ve never had any ill effects !

I remember arguing with a knobhead once who claimed that for thousands of years women gave birth perfectly safely because they “knew their own bodies” and it was only when men started “overmedicalising” birth that things started going wrong.

He still insisted this was the case even after I pointed out that women used to make their wills as soon as they found out they were pregnant because the risks of pregnancy and birth were so high 🙄

@SouthLondonMum22

Very lucky!!

My first had night feeds until about 9 months!!!

This does tie in with formula; they sleep longer and feed less due to the slowed digestion.

Cluster feeding is a natural process where the baby is stimulating increased milk supply in the mother during a growth spurt.

If your baby was hungry you’d just make a few more ounces… but that process has to be stimulated via the very intense cluster feeding for breast feeders.

As I say when it gets to 3-4months all that abates as a plentiful supply is established and growth not as rapid.

Completely agree with you that breast feeding wouldn’t have been practical in your circumstances going back to work so early.

Just do what works for you both, BF or bottle, it's totally up to you. Happy mum = happy baby.

Well sure, but of course you had to start FF example from the worse possible scenario. FF mothers are able to be organised you know...

Just to point out - many women choose to have a C section without any medical need for it.
It is incredibly common in America and other countries.

@ginandtonicwithlimes

I actually think a mother does know better than medical advice. Doctors aren't gods, they're just people.

It's sad that so many women have such little trust in their own instinct.

Both of mine were bottle fed (my choice). They're adults now, but they've always been healthy, intelligent and happy.👍

Do what makes you happy. Bonding comes with the cuddles, not what you're putting into a baby's mouth.

It does matter.

I mean for gods sake look how triggered all these women are.

Say it works out fine or children thrive everyday on formula, but don't say it doesn't matter. It's ignorant.

My BF baby slept really well too.
So, there's another one.
It's more common than you think. That said, when they're really tiny and their stomachs are really tiny too, it's normal to feed frequently.

I bottle fed both of mine just because I didn't want to breast feed.
They are both fine and I don't regret my decision.

RedRobyn2021

But it doesn’t matter.

Ask any mother of an 18 year old if they were ff or bf and if it mattered.

I suspect they have probably have had more experience with SID. I am not actually sure why a 11 week old needs their own room at that age. Most still fit in a moses basket at that age. I suspect it was more baby has a lovely decorated room and she wanted to use it...

I bottlefed, SIL breastfed, babies are the same age. They are 1 now.
Both have hit milestones by the "expected" age
Both have picked up the same minor illnesses (D&V, rsv, colds...)
Both have ended up in hospital for their minor illnesses at one point
Both are thriving
Both are gorgeous, happy healthy babies with happy, healthy, loving parents, isn't that the most important thing?

It’s not ignorant. It doesn’t matter.
Your child’s outcomes are not going to be an different in an individual level if you feed them formula or breastmilk.

What happens if the baby can’t latch? Or the mother doesn’t produce enough milk? Or the baby is separated from the mother due to illness? There are many reasons someone can’t breastfeed through no fault or choice of their own. An underfed breastfed baby is far worse off than a formula fed baby who is eating well.

The overall goal is a happy health mother and baby. It doesn’t matter if that’s achieved using a bottle or breast.

Of course it’s an emotive issue, it’s very personal. But honestly, how many women have ran themselves into the ground trying to breastfeed when it’s not for them or their baby? It’s shameful that as parents (who are supposed to be nurturing and caring) would judge someone for not breastfeeding. Especially as we can all remember the initial pain of it and/or mastitis, the many night feeds etc.

Again, I challenge you to look at your friends, family and colleagues and spot the people that were breastfed. It’s impossible.

To call mothers who choose not to breastfeed ‘selfish’ …

I mean considering on the whole, most mothers spend literally the rest of their LIVES putting the needs of their children first, if they’re ‘selfish’ for the first six months then they’re not doing too bad.