I am drowning in a life of shame

[shamea]

Been awake two hours again thinking of how shameful my life is. I do not live an authentic life. I was brought up in a traditional home and most of my social circle is the same. Only two close friends know the reality of my life, to everyone else I pretend ex works away so I don’t have to admit I’m a single parent. I am ashamed he doesn’t see our son. I know I can’t keep up that lie forever as ds is now 17 months.

I am not authentic. I am embarrassed I am alone. Embarrassed about mistakes I’ve made. I’m late thirties and nothing seems fixable now so the facade is better than any reality.

I just hate it. I try and fit in with people, always agree. I could never post an honest post on social media. I can never say I’m not ok to anyone except my two closest friends. I don’t know who I am really anymore. I used to like myself. I was happy, confident, excited for the future. Last night I was searching for homes to buy somewhere very remote so I could hide away. I’m not depressed just ashamed. I feel everyone judges me and they would judge me more if they knew what a shambles my life was. I messed up choosing my ex. It’s impacted so much of my life. I can’t start over, it’s happened. I hate what I’ve become. How can I make this stop?

You're ashamed because you're a single parent?
You know that's a very unusual thing to be ashamed about in 20th century Britain, right?

Who are you lying too about this? Everyday people or family & friends?

The shame is on him for no longer being in your child’s life. Not you because you’re now a single parent. I understand a lot of cultures do still judge when a relationship falls apart but it’s not worth lying about as you haven’t done anything wrong

@lljkk not just that, but how life has unfolded as a result. It’s not common at all with people I grew up with, I am very much the odd one out. And it’s even worse ex isn’t even part of DS’s life. I am so ashamed of the choices i made.

@MinnieL i knew he wasn’t a good partner though. I knew it and stayed with him. I wish I had made a better choice of partner. I feel people will think I am a terrible person that he doesn’t even see ds. People read into things and make judgments. I hate living like this.

They will judge him not you. You don't sound like your like is a shambles. Don't catastrophise it.
You have a lovely son its not either of your faults. His Father is the one who should be ashamed.

Oh love, you are in such a dark place. But it's the place that's dark, not your situation. You have a 17 month old baby, a roof over your head and you have nothing to stop you starting afresh. I know its not easy but it us a case of just changing how you view the situation. You need to find new friends who won't judge you and learn to toughen up around the family who do. Think of some of the terrible people and terrible things people do. You are not one of them. In a kind way, you need to grow some balls and start being a bit nicer to yourself. You say you are not authentic, quite right. People see that in others. Try Brene Browne on you tube, vulnerability. It's so helpful and true, it's the ability to show authenticity that makes us, being whole hearted. Be kind to yourself and enjoy tour little one 💐

Everybody makes mistakes, big or small. Try not to focus on your ex, but you on your dc. You are not alone in making a wrong choice in partners, even if it seems that way in your circle & some will be in unhappy relationships.
Build a firm foundation of just the two of you. Try to be proud of yourself for all you have done in raising your dc independently so far. You are still very young and have your future ahead of you.

You have done nothing wrong and therefore have nothing to be ashamed of. You need to keep telling yourself this until you start to believe it. Is your upbringing linked to religion? Are you still part of that at all?

Im so sorry for how low and self critical you are feeling. It’s a horrible state of mind and one from which it’s hard to see things improving. When I am being really shamey and hard on myself I find it helpful to think about a distinction between regret and guilt I was taught.

Regret is an appropriate, healthy way to think as it helps you avoid similar mistakes. Ok you made a poor choice of partner. I’m sure if you examine this, alone or with a friend or therapist, you will be able to compassionately find reasons that you made that choice. Ultimately you were just trying to be happy and maybe didn’t go about it the best way.

Guilt, however is the state of mind that takes that mistake and believes it’s because ‘I am bad/shit/selfish’ whatever horrible way of relating to yourself. And guilt actually makes it more likely you keep making similar mistakes, because it keeps you feeling ‘I am a shitebag who makes terrible mistakes’. Rather than just a normal, decent, fallible person, who regrets a mistake they made. If anyone judges you harshly because of this, that’s on them. Try to find kindness for yourself.

You shouldn't feel ashamed. It takes strength and courage to leave a relationship and become a single parent. Stop thinking of the what it's, you can't change what's happened. Focus on the future and building the life you want for your little boy. Things will work out, you just have to keep going everyday.
No-one is judging you, most others are too wrapped up in their own bubbles. It's on him If he doesn't want to watch his child grow up, he is the one missing out.
Maybe visit the doctor If you feel that anxious thoughts are taking over your everyday life.

You are not the only Mother to choose a terrible partner. Also there are a lot of women who choose a great partner who later turns out to be terrible.

I think you have to get rid of this shame (it's actually just regret) look at what you have. A baby! A beautiful baby, someone who needs their Mum.

Hold your head up high and move forward. Your baby needs this.

You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re human and also making the big assumption everyone else has perfect lives. Everyone has different stresses to deal with in reality - bereavement, depression, financial problems, logistics, stressy careers, family drama. Try to be open with people you trust, you will find they open up in return.

Single parent home are normal- look at the stats!

Op I think you need counselling.
What you are describing is chronically low self esteem and self worth.

You seem to have absorbed the responsibilities of your ex. This is not on you that he disappeared, who is looking after the baby every day and keeping it together each day? You!

I would counter its none of anyone’s business whether you are single or married op and it’s up to you who you tell. I imagine you fear gossip and judgement, but I would stop lying for your own sake. You could just switch the subject.

good greif - I haven't seen one of my kids' fathers since the night I got pregnant, and I never knew his sire name.

I work in a school and have enrolled hundreds of students over the years who don't even know their fathers first names
I remember one enrollment evening when I interviewed and enrolled around 6 students personally, and didn't meet a single child who had a known father - that evening was unusual! But the situation is not.

I am not ashamed, I am happy, busy, active, sociable and have had an amazing and happy life as a single mum - my kids are adults now but tell me they had a happy chiodhood and aim to replicate it with their children

I am a bit jealous of you, in your position, with a beautiful little one all to yourself, and all the fun of camping, exploring, pet owning, learning and finding out who they are all to come!

Please please please don't waste your life and energy on regrets! Just go for it an have an amazing time raising your little one xx

I think you could be suffering from post natal depression or depression, but haven’t recognised it.

Who is making you feel ashamed - your parents. From a religious upbringing etc?

It’s not the 1950s. Children are born out of wedlock all the time now. People no longer frown about it.

I think you are putting pressure on yourself unnecessarily. You need to reset your mind, embrace whom you are, and move forward.Maybe go and speak to gp and get some help or counselling. I’m sure your doing fine, you just need to believe in yourself.

If your friends would judge on the actions of your ex partner, then these are not your friends. You don’t need to keep up a facade, pretend everything is ok, hide behind an illusion that everything is fine just to make other people think everything is fine. What an utter waste of your time, energy, physical and mental health. What an utter waste of your life - do you want your child growing up and seeing you like this?

You say you grew up in a traditional home, so I assume that is what you were expecting- being a stay at home mother and wife and he the man would be the provider, right? But he’s let you and your son down. He’s the one who should be ashamed. Why would you be ashamed and embarrassed about this man’s shockingly bad behaviour? You’ve done nothing wrong. You are not responsible for his actions.

Your son has only you, you need to take care of him and your self. You are still young and you can still make an amazing life for you and him. Don’t let “tradition” get in your way and please ditch your “traditional” friends if you know that they will judge and not support you because of another man’s actions.

I’m so so sorry. I also never got over being a single mother.

But my kid did. My kid is confident.

If you concentrate on DS, then in eighteen years it will be ok.

If all your friends are married you do realise that 50% are likely to get divorced at some point. They are just single parents in waiting.

Are you able to access some counselling?

I agree single parents are bloody brilliant and I know on some level that I am doing ok. I know I’m trying my best.

the shame comes from feeling judged, feeling like the odd one out. I hate it. I hate not having someone I can rely on, someone I can talk to if I feel low in confidence etc. It’s just me and it’s lonely, my self esteem is low. I am embarrassed that I met someone so terrible, he’s not even just an ex, he is someone who is so awful he’s abandoned his own child. That’s the man I chose. It’s shameful.

@cosypompoms only one person I know in this social circle is now a single parent. We are heading close to forty so it seems everyone else is very stable and happy. I do have access to counselling, I’m not sure I could face it.

I'm sorry things have not turned out the way you hoped for you and your child. I've just looked to see if Gingerbread still exists , it supports single parents. It is still out there , I've not looked closely but they used to offer a good service to support parents. But also if the feelings are impacting you day to day maybe you need to talk to your dr about that. I admire the single mums I work with , who take it all on ,make lives for them and their children. I feel like I've not really been tested in that way and wonder if I'd manage.

But @shamea you chose exactly the right partner for that particular short period of time. If you had not conceived your Dear Child with this particular man, your DC would not be the wonderful little boy that he is today. He would be someone else - if you had even got pregnant at all with anyone else.

If you can try and think of your ex as a sperm donor, and apart from that an irrelevant person in your lives (because of his subsequent actions which were all his own choices), then as your DS grows up and asks about his Dad you can tell him that you know little about him now - you can explain more as he gets older - but that you will be forever grateful to him for giving you the best gift you have ever had, him, your DS of course.

As long as your son never hears (or overhears) any regrets about who provided half of his genes etc, and as long as you can give your DS the unconditional love that he deserves - I'm sure you do that anyway OP - then when he is old enough you can explain to him that you were disappointed that his father turned out to not be mature enough to be a permanent father, but keep on (occassionally) reiterating that you are still so glad that he supplied the sperm that combined with your egg, made him, your amazing and wonderful Son.

If you genuinely have any people in your life who encourage you to feel ashamed for you being you, then they are the ones who should feel ashamed, and if you feel strong enough to do so, please quietly - or loudly if you want to - just jettison them away into the ether...

You are a good person shamea, and a great Mum, so please change your user name, and believe in yourself 🩷🩷🩷

My father walked out on my mother when I was 18months old.

I’ve only seen him once in my living memory.

It’s never even occurred to me to have any negative feelings towards my mother, not for a single minute.

Him, on the other hand…

From a different angle - those who love you would help you and people talk - I’d be surprised if they don’t k ow already and are just waiting in the wings to help.

Speak up - tell the truth even half truth that he left recently etc - be brave and you’ll feel a lot lighter.