I am drowning in a life of shame

[shamea]

Been awake two hours again thinking of how shameful my life is. I do not live an authentic life. I was brought up in a traditional home and most of my social circle is the same. Only two close friends know the reality of my life, to everyone else I pretend ex works away so I don’t have to admit I’m a single parent. I am ashamed he doesn’t see our son. I know I can’t keep up that lie forever as ds is now 17 months.

I am not authentic. I am embarrassed I am alone. Embarrassed about mistakes I’ve made. I’m late thirties and nothing seems fixable now so the facade is better than any reality.

I just hate it. I try and fit in with people, always agree. I could never post an honest post on social media. I can never say I’m not ok to anyone except my two closest friends. I don’t know who I am really anymore. I used to like myself. I was happy, confident, excited for the future. Last night I was searching for homes to buy somewhere very remote so I could hide away. I’m not depressed just ashamed. I feel everyone judges me and they would judge me more if they knew what a shambles my life was. I messed up choosing my ex. It’s impacted so much of my life. I can’t start over, it’s happened. I hate what I’ve become. How can I make this stop?

OP, please look at counselling as a means of support for yourself and to help you work through your Shame and poor self esteem, but also before you transfer this shame to your child. There is nothing objectively shameful in you or your situation but if you don’t address it asap your child will grow up feeling that same shame that you do

I married a dreadful man who was emotionally and financially abusive. I stayed with him far longer than I should have because I was embarrassed and ashamed that I had made such a poor choice.

However, when I eventually found the courage to leave and also become a single parent, I did find that the people I opened up to were nothing but supportive and helpful.

They didn't judge me. They did judge him though.

20 years on I do still feel embarrassed occasionally about it, especially sometimes when I read posts on here saying things like 'and why did you choose to have children with him?' about people in a similar situation to mine. Out in the real world though people do understand.

And I do also suspect that not all of the happy marriages I see around me are quite as happy as they'd like everyone to think.

We all make mistakes. We all make silly choices. Some have bigger impacts than others but they don't have to be something you hide away from. Please do try to give the people around you the chance to support you. If they don't they are not nice people and their opinions aren't ones you should be concerned with.

You should definitely seek therapy. Your mindset is in a very strange place in this day and age, almost like it’s been transported from 70+ years ago.

I’m a single parent who also should have chosen better. I have felt sorrow and frustration because of it but shame? No never. I’m proud of the fact I’ve brought up two wonderful children, not ashamed.

Seek therapy and start being kinder to yourself, you have a son who needs a stable mother. 💐

The only person who should be ashamed is him. However, lying about is odd and going to make you the subject of rumours/ridicule when it’s found out that you live tried to hide it. Own the situation and start telling people. Just a text message ‘just to let you know that X left us a little while ago. He no longer wants anything to do with us. We are coping fine just the two of us’

Oh goodness love. Give yourself a break. This isn’t the huge deal you think it is. No one will care after five minutes. Just tell people you have drifted. You are a great parent - this is the bit that matters. Be brave and accept life is never perfect for any of us

Meant kindly but I would love to have your problems OP.

These are all issues of your own perception and projection. You choose the frame you put your own life into. Change this before you go made entirely and for no reason at all.

I think many people can come on here and say to you don’t be ashamed. But you can’t help how you feel. I’m a single parent and wish I had chosen differently. But I couldn’t or I wouldn’t have! I would suggest therapy. You will start to look at your situation so differently. There is positives in this it may take time to see them. You may be down/anxious about your situation and unable to recognise right now.

Obviously it not as easy as just deciding to feel differently. These things are very deep seated. Saying this is likely to make the op feel worse.

I second getting some counselling, hopefully there are organisations which offer some for free in your area.

I think Mavissdaviss's idea is very good. Bringing it out in the open is a way of dissolving some of the feelings you have which feel shameful and I think you'd be surprised at how supportive people would be. (If they weren't supportive, they are just dicks and you don't need them in your life)

Do you judge women on their own with children? Your assuming everyone does, but that doesn’t include you
Think about it.

Thanks just catching up with all the posts.

I have no intention to be in a new relationship. I would absolutely love to have a decent husband and build a life with someone but like @MaryMcI said, I don’t trust myself either to make a good judgement. I am quite scared of men and what they can do to my mental health so I have to accept that a traditional family set up is not something I will have. I am slowly coming to terms with this but it isn’t easy.

I had a loving family growing up but it was dysfunctional. When my ex left, my dad actually said ‘there’s loads of single women round here, get a grip!’ We were driving through a really rough area and while they would never say it to me, I know my parents don’t think this should have happened in the world I was brought up in.

I know there are single parents but many go on to meet others or their children are teens when they separate. The shame is definitely part of the fact my child is still really a baby, pretty much. It feels so scummy to have not even managed to have stayed together to give it a proper go. I wanted to, I know I tried, I know it wasn’t ‘my fault’ he left. But I can’t even bring myself to say ‘miss’ on orders or when I am on the phone to customer services.

I live in an area where people know everyone and yes the lie has been hard because I don’t really trust anyone anymore. If I don’t get to grips will all this soon it will start affecting my child. It all feels so hard.

@Fingeronthebutton i am not sure I ever thought of it before it happened to me. If I am honest I would probably have thought ‘oh that would never be me, wonder what happened there.’ I would have been so confident I wouldn’t have made that ‘mistake.’ But no I wouldn’t have given it masses of thought I suppose.

If your circle would judge you based on something that someone did to you then you need a new circle.

They may judge you for lying which isn’t great.

Do you think that other single mums are shameful?

Your son needs you to stop being so self absorbed in your shame which is of no use to you or him at all. Get some CBT to help you stop your shame from invading your mind and help you deal with it.

You have a beautiful baby boy who will love you unconditionally he has no concept of shame now so don’t transfer your negative feelings of shame about yourself and his dad onto him.

I don’t mean to be harsh it sounds like your ex is a waste of space but he is the shameful one NOT you.

I wanted to come back and say how helpful your last paragraph is. It is true. There is a pressure to be in a couple, and i think it is okay to say sometimes that does not work out, sometimes it is actually damaging to stay in that couple.

One of the things I always thought was, thank God I live at a point in time where I can earn my own money, have my own mortgage, lead my own life. But actually, women have always done this, to greater or lesser opposition, in western countries. It’s just not the predominant discourse or expectation.

It’s not that husbands and partners don’t have value, I think a good, kind one would be quite nice, it’s that this would be in some other life which is not mine.

The other thing - to the OP - I think, is that these people who think you have a partner who works away, also think you have his salary coming in and emotional support from him. They are making a bunch of assumptions about what support you have in your life which are not true. I would feel pretty bad if someone I knew was on their own and I could help or be more present for them, but I didn’t know they were alone.

The fact he left and doesn’t see his child is a him problem. No one will think otherwise. The fact you’re lying about it is a you problem, no one will think otherwise

i think you’ve posted about this before, and you’ve just carried on with the lie. As you’ve said, soon enough this will impact your child. You need to just say you’ve split up, it wasn’t working, good riddance. Then slowly start to say the bastard isn’t seeing his own kid.

the thing is op, people likely already have guessed and going along with it, so it’s about your lie, or some will know him and it will get out.

splitting up is totally normal, it happens, it’s shit yes, but it happens, a lot, what’s not normal is lying about it. And that’s what this will become about.

you need to stop. And be honest. For not just you but your child.

How very lucky you are. You have a lovely son and two best friends. That’s more than a lot of people.
(Lots of women use Ms anyway).

I apologise to OP if this seemed harsh I was trying to make a point that there is nothing at all to be ashamed of being a single mum in fact quite the opposite. It takes a strong woman. I was quite shocked you felt the need to invent a whole story of partner working away ! The people around you- if they are so judgmental and short sighted to think less of you then well-they are absolutely not worth knowing. I suspect though that it is more your own worries about what they’ll think- but you don’t know what they’d actually think. They may be supportive. The truth is your ex is the only person to be ashamed-really ashamed in this situation.
It also sticks out that you are really struggling with your sense of shame and low self esteem and I second other peoples suggestions of counselling, it could really help you. Stand proud OP and be the strong role model your child needs X

It honestly sounds as of you are struggling with PND. It doesn’t look the same in everyone, and I was never diagnosed, but looking back I’m sure I had it after one of my babies and I’ve struggled with low self esteem and depression ever since.
Counselling worked wonders for me.

Just on a slightly amusing note, I know that you feel as if you cannot move on where you are now, but honestly people won’t judge you, and I’d get a bit of a giggle out of making up some ridiculous scenario as to why you are NOW a single parent. As no one has ever met your ex, and thinks he works away, you really could go to town with some outlandish stories as to why you’ve decided you are better off as a single parent. 😉
I was brought up in a very religious home, and was worried about how being a single parent would appear, and the impact that might have on my parents/ family, but honestly it was ok. I lost a couple of “friends” but made far more new ones, who aren’t sanctimonious ah*.

Count some of your blessings. At least you have close friends - I don’t even have that.

Actually when you are left with a baby you expected to raise as a couple and you need to navigate this new reality, there are a lot of emotions to come to terms with. That is what the OP is doing and she is brave to seek support and advice on the situation she is in. Lucky is not how you immediately feel (although to be honest, there are times with both my exes where I have thought ‘thank God i don’t have to deal with that anymore!’

Sometimes counting your blessings is a good strategy, and it helps not to lose sight of them, but it does not mean that OP’s other feelings and concerns don’t need to be worked through.

I would just say that you've heard from him recently and it's over. I don't think anyone will be surprised as you're clearly separated if he never visits.

Get some counselling.

So you used to judge people and look down on people and now the same has happened to you -hopefully you see the lesson in this and you have grown more of an open mind.

Get yourself referred for some counselling from your GP, lovey. Or if you can afford it, get some privately.

A lot of judgemental people ( Re single women with children) completely miss the fact that there are a lot of young widows. My friend was widowed at 42, left with 5 children.

better to be on your own than with the wrong person, why not just start to say,oh you have split up,its no shame,when i saw your headline i thought it was going to be a totally different piece, your fella was in prison for murder or you were doing only fans nude thing on line etc, being a single mum is nothing at all to be sorry about,relax,people dont judge you you will feel better just saying a sentence oh we have split up yes you are ok,that you dont want to talk about it