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Original poster

I am drowning in a life of shame

135 replies

shamea · 21/10/2023 05:03

Been awake two hours again thinking of how shameful my life is. I do not live an authentic life. I was brought up in a traditional home and most of my social circle is the same. Only two close friends know the reality of my life, to everyone else I pretend ex works away so I don’t have to admit I’m a single parent. I am ashamed he doesn’t see our son. I know I can’t keep up that lie forever as ds is now 17 months.

I am not authentic. I am embarrassed I am alone. Embarrassed about mistakes I’ve made. I’m late thirties and nothing seems fixable now so the facade is better than any reality.

I just hate it. I try and fit in with people, always agree. I could never post an honest post on social media. I can never say I’m not ok to anyone except my two closest friends. I don’t know who I am really anymore. I used to like myself. I was happy, confident, excited for the future. Last night I was searching for homes to buy somewhere very remote so I could hide away. I’m not depressed just ashamed. I feel everyone judges me and they would judge me more if they knew what a shambles my life was. I messed up choosing my ex. It’s impacted so much of my life. I can’t start over, it’s happened. I hate what I’ve become. How can I make this stop?

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 21/10/2023 07:39

I do have access to counselling, I’m not sure I could face it.

Why do you say you don't think you could face it? Therapy would really help you with this. It would be a safe safe to voice these concerns and work through them.

You have nothing to be ashamed about. Nothing.

The two friends you have told, are they supportive?

MidnightOnceMore · 21/10/2023 07:40

Mamma2017 · 21/10/2023 07:33

Exactly this. Is it the 1800’s in your mind Op?

Show quote history

I was brought up in a traditional home and most of my social circle is the same.

The op has given this insight into why they view life the way they do. It can take some people a fair bit of work to undo messages learned in childhood.

themothergoose · 21/10/2023 07:42

You write like you an adult tv star OP. You need therapy, you sound depressed.

ParisianBedBug · 21/10/2023 07:42

Dizzybelle · 21/10/2023 07:01

Tacky??. Tacky for posting on an anonymous forum, reaching out for help, advice and support in what is clearly a very hard time in her life? 100% OP doesn’t need this kind of criticism from you.

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No you misunderstood. She said she wishes she could post on social media, so she is obviously not counting MN as she is posting here. I know people say MN is social media but it's not really like instagram or facebook. I took it to mean she meant where she has her friends and family, real name and identity not as an anonymous forum.
I do find facebook cryptic emotional posts attention seeking and tacky but it's fine to post on MN because nobody knows you here. It's awkward and too intimate to share with your entire social group your business.

ParisianBedBug · 21/10/2023 07:44

Dizzybelle · 21/10/2023 07:21

I misunderstood, you are right.

@ParisianBedBug - apologies, I didn’t read your post properly.

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ahh ok no worries, I sent that reply before scrolling to the rest of the thread 😉

Original poster
shamea · 21/10/2023 07:45

Yes my friends are massively supportive and I guess know me from years back so I feel normal around them.

I don’t think it’s the shame of being single with a baby but more the shame of being this age and alone. I have had relationships but never properly built a life with someone and i would have loved that so much. It’s lonely.

OP posts:
MidnightOnceMore · 21/10/2023 07:52

shamea · 21/10/2023 07:45

Yes my friends are massively supportive and I guess know me from years back so I feel normal around them.

I don’t think it’s the shame of being single with a baby but more the shame of being this age and alone. I have had relationships but never properly built a life with someone and i would have loved that so much. It’s lonely.

Shame is not justified in my opinion, it is the shame that could be helped through counselling.

ParisianBedBug · 21/10/2023 07:53

shamea · 21/10/2023 07:45

Yes my friends are massively supportive and I guess know me from years back so I feel normal around them.

I don’t think it’s the shame of being single with a baby but more the shame of being this age and alone. I have had relationships but never properly built a life with someone and i would have loved that so much. It’s lonely.

Sounds like you have internalised a lot of toxic misogynistic messages. You don't need to go rural but I would avoid or limit contact with people who measure a woman's worth by her ability to 'keep a man'.
That includes even who you follow or listen to on social media.
Perhaps it's the lying part you feel ashamed about? A lie drags another one and before you know it it's a whole web of lies.
I think people who are mature and like you will understand that shame led you to lie because it was too painful to face their questions and admit the reality. It was a coping mechanism. You were also in denial with yourself. Trauma and mental illness can make us spin a narrative without thought to how it will pan out, unlike someone who is purposefully defrauding and scamming people where they have pre planned the whole thing, when you are traumatised the lies just blurt out and then you have to keep it up causing further isolation.

IT's really not their business if you're single or he's working away. I would apologise for lying and admit you were lying to yourself. I think there is freedom in truth but you need to speak to a therapist so you forgive yourself before you seek forgiveness from others because there will be some who won't understand or forgive you and that's their prerogative to have their own boundaries and what they accept and don't but you need to get in a place where you forgive yourself regardless of who will and wont understand.

Ollifer · 21/10/2023 07:54

Honestly, if you're living a life of shame then so am I 😁 I also am a single parent and wish I hadn't just settled and got married and had a child with someone who wasn't right for me. I've made many mistakes in my past, I've cheated on someone, I've got a criminal record, I've had many struggles with depression in the past. But all I have done is learn from them and move on and make my life better. I now live with my child, no partner, have a really good job that I work hard at, I have a good few friends and a nice little house. Yes life is still tough but I'm at peace with putting my past behind me and focusing on how far I've come and how I am now as a person, a parent, a friend etc. That's what matters op. You aren't defined by the mistakes you've made Flowers

Luckydip1 · 21/10/2023 07:54

Try the Frolo app it's a community of single parents supporting each other.

Lndnmummy · 21/10/2023 07:56

Oh OP. What would you say if a friend told you they felt like you do? You would wrap your arm around them and reassure the hell out of them that they had nothing to feel embarrassed about.

Treat yourself with that same level of kindness and compassion. 🫶🏻

MaryMcI · 21/10/2023 07:57

Oh my dear, I think you do need some kind of counselling to unravel the trauma you have and be more compassionate to yourself.
I think the feeling of ‘not fitting in’ is difficult, yes. I feel it at work social events mainly and holidays where I am surrounded by middle-class people who have functioning families (my parental family was entirely dysfunctional and I barely see them) and enough money to do things (I have barely enough to get by, supporting two DC for years and one now at university). I am excellent at my job, but I use work as a refuge sometimes, because there are other things missing in my life and I feel like I fall short.
I think it could be helpful to separate out with a counsellor what is about other people’s thoughts (that you feel judged) and what is about your own needs (that you might need more support and an authentic social self, owning who you are and living compassionately with your past choices).
I have made not one but two bad partner choices (my DD’s dad left when she was a baby, my DS’s son was a controlling man) and I have brought both DC up myself. I have been single now for ten years as I just don’t trust myself to make a good judgement. I think I was very vulnerable in retrospect when DD’s dad left, and I think you do need to untangle your feelings before you get into another relationship.

SquishyGloopyBum · 21/10/2023 07:59

shamea · 21/10/2023 07:45

Yes my friends are massively supportive and I guess know me from years back so I feel normal around them.

I don’t think it’s the shame of being single with a baby but more the shame of being this age and alone. I have had relationships but never properly built a life with someone and i would have loved that so much. It’s lonely.

That's great your friends that do know are massively supportive. That should tell you that others would be the same.

Feeling lonely is normal. But that doesn't make you a failure and it's not shameful.

Seriously op, therapy would be a massive help for you. You seem very stuck in this mindset.

MargotBamborough · 21/10/2023 07:59

Oh, OP.

I would tell people your relationship didn't work out and you are a single parent now.

Think of it this way. If people are supportive then this will be a huge weight off your mind and you will no longer feel like you are living a lie. And if they're not supportive, you know that they aren't the kind of people you need in your life. You can cut them loose and make space in your life for the people who really matter, as well as the new friends you can hopefully make.

There's no shame in being a single parent.

Understated32 · 21/10/2023 08:00

lljkk · 21/10/2023 05:06

You're ashamed because you're a single parent?
You know that's a very unusual thing to be ashamed about in 20th century Britain, right?

21st century… 20th century ended 23 years ago

Lwrenagain · 21/10/2023 08:00

@shamea mate, you're 40. Behave and give your lovely head a wobble.

Here's the way it is, you've got a gorgeous kiddo, their prick of a father off the scene means you've not got an arsehole parent to worry about or one that you're desperate to escape.

You tell people you've broken up and he's moved away, not that they need explanations but he may have moved for family/work reasons.

You're priorities seem based on a real concern of judgement, people's opinion of you isn't your business so let it go, enjoy your baby!

You'll meet someone if that's what you'd like, but go to therapy first and work on yourself, look for red flags and signs to not ignore.

Watch the film "wish you were here" and channel your inner Linda.

You're not living your life for other people to judge it, you're living it for you and little one. You can live well 💐

ShoesoftheWorld · 21/10/2023 08:01

OP, it's not women's fault that we often think better of men than many of them deserve*. We're conditioned to do it, and we're conditioned (as you are finding out) to put inordinate value on being in a relationship with a man. Your current situation is an opportunity to overcome that conditioning. I agree that therapy, with a supportive, preferably person-centred therapist, would be the best thing you could do right now.

*which is one reason why I think it's very rarely helpful to berate a woman for making a poor choice of partner.

Jewelspun · 21/10/2023 08:01

Self pity is something you choose to feel.

Why not choose to feel strong and successful in raising a child by yourself?

The shame you speak of is self imposed.

MaryMcI · 21/10/2023 08:01

Cross-post.
The danger of feeling ashamed of being ‘this age and alone’ is that you go into another relationship with someone who sees and exploits your vulnerability. It just amplifies my point about working on being comfortable with who you are and your situation before getting involved with anyone else.

Beezknees · 21/10/2023 08:02

I think you definitely need to go to therapy.

My ex does not see our DS. I got pregnant with him when I was 17. My ex is useless. I am not ashamed. Why would I be? He is the one that should be ashamed. If other people think badly of me, that's their problem, I don't care a bit.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being single either. Society shames us into thinking we must have a partner. Bollocks. I don't want a partner. I strongly believe a lot of women are actually better off single.

Bogeyes · 21/10/2023 08:03

Single parent with a young child! You should be wearing a proud medal! Stand tall and be proud...you have impressed me. Good luck.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 21/10/2023 08:05

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, OP. I honestly believe if you told your friends what is going on they’d be nothing but supportive. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

DavesSpareDeckChair · 21/10/2023 08:05

Mamma2017 · 21/10/2023 07:33

Exactly this. Is it the 1800’s in your mind Op?

Show quote history

Bit harsh on the OP. It's the people around her who think it's 1800, not her!

Nicole1111 · 21/10/2023 08:07

As a starting point you need to read overcoming low self esteem. It’s essentially a do it yourself therapy book based on cbt. It’s on the nhs recommended reading list. You should also find 1 friend you can be very honest with so you can tell them all the things you’re ashamed of. Shame thrives on secrecy and silence. Once you start saying the things you are ashamed of out loud and realise other people don’t view you that way it will gradually be released.

DavesSpareDeckChair · 21/10/2023 08:07

If anyone ought to be ashamed it's the man who left and anyone who attempts to shame OP for it or who raised her to think she's shameful.