I am drowning in a life of shame

[shamea]

Been awake two hours again thinking of how shameful my life is. I do not live an authentic life. I was brought up in a traditional home and most of my social circle is the same. Only two close friends know the reality of my life, to everyone else I pretend ex works away so I don’t have to admit I’m a single parent. I am ashamed he doesn’t see our son. I know I can’t keep up that lie forever as ds is now 17 months.

I am not authentic. I am embarrassed I am alone. Embarrassed about mistakes I’ve made. I’m late thirties and nothing seems fixable now so the facade is better than any reality.

I just hate it. I try and fit in with people, always agree. I could never post an honest post on social media. I can never say I’m not ok to anyone except my two closest friends. I don’t know who I am really anymore. I used to like myself. I was happy, confident, excited for the future. Last night I was searching for homes to buy somewhere very remote so I could hide away. I’m not depressed just ashamed. I feel everyone judges me and they would judge me more if they knew what a shambles my life was. I messed up choosing my ex. It’s impacted so much of my life. I can’t start over, it’s happened. I hate what I’ve become. How can I make this stop?

I felt like this OP. I was a single parent when all my life long friends were married. I was single a while, and everytime I had a date they would act like I was a promiscuous slapper , and in the end I was single and in hell, managing a toxic ex (whom my supposed friends loved) and a young child and little finances. My self esteem was so low, I was ashamed that I entered unworthy short lived relationships, just trying to feel loved.

in the end I ditched the friends, moved to a new town and started again. Best thing I ever did!!! I had no need to feel ashamed. My life was chaotic because my ex friends and ex partner gaslit me that I was the problem, they revelled in my failure, and it made them all feel great about their marriages by looking down on me. I wasn’t the problem, I just needed help and support not criticism and judgement. Years later I am married to an amazing man and my dd is now at a top uni. You can do this !!! You are a survivor - feel proud and not embarrassed. Your child is lucky to have you. Draw a line under the past and move on.

OP, please PM me if you like. I could’ve written your post although I’m now mostly on the other side now. Our little ones are even the same age. X

Please seek out a counsellor ASAP. We all make mistakes you can’t rewind your baby is here and your ex is not . Work on moving on from that o stead of punishing yourself.
You sounds like your depressed . Very much so. .
You have two close friends ( that’s more than some ) whole support you and don’t judge, that’s all you need . Your right not telling everyone your days to day business if you don’t want too. It’s nobody’s business unless you want it to be .
Deal with one thing at a time . Your doing a great job. ❤️

OP I was with an abusive man who I left when DD14 was 1.

The early years are lonely. But things get better trust me.

I have been a lone parent all this time, carved a great career out for myself and honestly get praise and admiration from colleagues, friends and family for doing this alone.

Being a lone parent is a super power not a shame.

I say this next thing which sounds weird but it's true...embrace the loneliness. Let yourself feel it. You will get used to your own company, happy in it over time because only then you truly know you won't ever compromise your own boundaries again for a crap relationship, that includes shitty friends.

I spent many years single and loved it, but then met my partner who is an amazing person.

You are doing amazing!!

Hey OP
There's a few million single mums in UK- I'm also one of them and deeply ashamed of the man I married who turned out to be as far as it could get from the man he portrays himself to be.

I'm interested in how you've managed to absorb the shame of what your ex has done.

Are yiu able to pinpoint the How's and whys of this? Therapy may be useful for that?

Do you have people in your life who are positive and supportive?

You don't need to spend time with those who bring you down.

My ex left me for someone else and I felt deeply ashamed for a while (although not anymore). Like I worried people would think I wasn't good enough to keep him or that I'd done something bad to drive him away.

Time has largely sorted those feelings out. And also the full revelation of the terrible person he is and other things that he's done make me feel glad/relieved he's no longer my problem.

Why are you ashamed? You have nothing to be ashamed about. You’re doing your best to raise your child alone whilst their father has buggered off and absolved all responsibility. It’s him who should be ashamed not you.

So your traditional as you call it was dysfunctional- why would you want and crave that.

your ex has gone he won’t be a stain on your or your sons life. He has you and that is enough. You haven’t failed and being single is nothing to be ashamed of

the person judging you is yourself. I certainly wouldn’t

I mean even the royal family has members that are/were divorced etc so when you say it’s not unusual in your circles, what circles are you mixing in!

Would you speak to or think about a close friend the way you’re thinking about yourself? Would you tell a friend that it was their fault for having a bad relationship, or being a single parent? Would you want a friend to live a lie for herself and her child? Please please show yourself some kindness.

You’ve been unlucky in love. Most of us are at one point or another. It’s not your fault.

Those people who would criticise you for being a singe parent are not worth having in your life.

I know what it’s like to come from a traditional background where there is pressure to remain married and anything less is seen as a failure. I suspect that the voices telling you to be ashamed of yourself are very much embedded in your head now and I would echo what others said about counselling.

You can change this. If you are covered in shame your child will learn that too.

Good luck. Start now.

I have felt guilt and shame about choosing the wrong person too. And, I am from a very different background to you. I think, for me, I felt I had been irresponsible and had let my child down by not choosing someone better. I think it's natural to feel that way, it feels like a huge mistake that you can't fix. I think the feeling will get less over time, it did for me.

If your family love you, they will not hold you responsible when they eventually find out. Even if you don't tell them, it will become clear in time. I hope they will just be kind and supportive then.

I haven’t read the thread so apologies if I’m out of order, but based on your first couple of posts I think you PTSD following your relationship 💐

1. Come off social media it is toxic - most of what people post is contrived and not reflective of reality.
2. Get therapy to support you
3. Stop lying - you need to start telling people when they ask about your ex that he is no longer in the picture. You don’t need to say you’ve lied or anything just “Unfortunately X and I split up, I’ve been finding it difficult to come to terms with, he is not supporting DC”

You are still young and have a lot of life ahead of you. All of these supposedly perfect people will have their own problems and difficulties… you’re just seeing things in black and white because you’re depressed.

Please get some help. You can make a beautiful life for yourself and DC, you have nothing to be ashamed about.

Take care.

I'm sorry your feeling this way but with all kindness meant, I think your thinking is distorted. I get the shame (from my own situation). I am a single parent to 2 children. There is a no contact order with their father who is a homeless drug addict. To maintain my children's safety school, clubs and other people in their lives have had to know. It's totally embarrassing! But what I would say is that you can control the narrative. Obviously people know about my situation but I don't portray any negativity about it, I just get on with it. There for the people around me don't see it as shameful, or embarrassing.
You need to wrap your head around where you are in life and be a positive and strong roll model for your child or your child will feel ashamed also.
Life often doesn't pan out as we hoped but resilience acceptance will take you far.

All that misery and shame and guilt is getting compacted inside you, and as you get older it'll start to infect the way that you view everything in the world. This is not healthy - especially for your child who needs a mother not wading through layers of lies.

You've mentioned your traditional background and how you think your parents view things and how you yourself casually judged others and I think part of the problem is simple - you held a judgemental and dismissive view of single mothers ("won't happen to me because I'm 'better'") As you've learnt, sometimes things don't work out and you have to alter that ingrained view. You aren't offering yourself any understanding or compassion because you didn't offer it to others; and also because having learnt the error of your opinion, you also feel guilty.

You do have to seek counselling. Your child deserves more. How are you going to model healthy relationships for them if you've shut yourself off completely from the idea of every having a partner. You seem to be punishing yourself because you didn't live up to the idea of a fairy tale. Life isn't a fairy tale. It's messy and people need to view each other with grace and compassion and you've started to realise that because you recognise that you aren't authentic.

OP I cam almost guarantee that if you were to look at all the other parents at your child’s nursery/future school in 10 years time, a fair proportion will be separated. Relationships are hard. I say this as the only child in my class from a SP family in the 90s - trust me I had a more stable upbringing than a lot of them.

As long as you have a job and good morals, you will do just fine.

It may not be 1950s but in other cultures people still live by old school standards. In my culture too, many people still judge by those so called 1950s standards.

Op said she comes from a traditional background and she has internalised values of her family.

I recognise so much of these thought processes - I had a really hard time when my dc were small. And it was only when my youngest was three or so that something (maybe hormonal?) shifted for me and I could see that they were thought patterns rather than the gospel truth they felt like.

There was screening for post natal depression but that was the one part I didn’t have. It was so much more complex - anxiety, intrusive thoughts, failure, shame, and oh my goodness the awful, relentless guilt.

In part, it’s natures way of driving us on to serve the relentless needs of infants. In my case, undiagnosed adhd and its nasty companion RSD magnified everything. But with time and distance I can see how warped my thoughts were.

In truth, people spend very little time thinking about you ; they’re far too busy thinking about themselves. And very often, I’ve found that family members who have held quite strong views, do a 180 when someone in their own circle is or does or has that thing. I’ve seen that pattern play out with extra marital pregnancies, homosexuality, divorce, mental health, criminality, and invisible durabilities. Very few people, living in and engaging with the modern world hold the exact same views they held ten or twenty years ago.

Men, ime are pretty disappointing and the good ones are few and far between. I’m sorry yours was a loser. I know you’re holding blame for choosing him, but you’re thinking about it the wrong way round. Where you went wrong was not holding yourself in high enough esteem and allowing other people’s views to affect your perception of yourself. Being one half of a couple isn’t always a good thing - being choosy and requiring someone to add value to your life is a much better course to take.

But that attitude is a bit of a way off right now while you’re in the trenches. So right now, try these two things -

start finding little ways to treat yourself - make a nice cup of tea, take yourself to the library to choose a nice book… tiny little acts of kindness towards yourself.

and watch some of Brene Brown’s you tube videos . She’s the expert on shame.

Op, this is good advice. You will damage your son if you continue to think like this. You don't want him to grow up with such rigid, judgemental values.
You should see a therapist.

I think you are making this into an issue when it really isn't nowadays!

Sweetheart, I know this sounds a bit futile and silly but I mean this seriously - every single tv show, film, musical the main character has made a mad decision, or their life has unraveled in some way, or they’ve made a mistake. This is what being the main character is! Take some time to watch all the wonderful stories - people have told them for a reason. They’re not JUST films. They’re writers telling you we’ve all been there! We ALL make choices we wish we hadn’t!

but it turns out good in the end! You have to work through it but it does.

ps you don’t have to write honest posts on social media. That’s not a thing. You need to be honest with someone - please tell someone you trust. They will feel sad for you because your ex is gross. I’m guessing he was abusive because the amount of self blame you have sounds typical of that. I’ve never done it but people on here always talk about the freedom programme so maybe research that.

Sweet, your life isn't a shambles. I don't think that hiding the truth is really helping you.
I understand the need to project this family image to the outside world, but you didn't do this.

Please open yourself up to the reality. It isn't that bad!

Also, to have 2 or 3 really good friends who ypu can talk openly to anoug your MH is probably about normal.
Most people get through life by pretending that all is good. Personally, I lead by telling people that these years we are in are tough, and that my anxiety hasn't half ramped up, so I'm a safe space. The people who don't get it, that's fine, but sometimes I have been able to help some people, and have created some of the best friendships with them.

You don't need to change everything, but a few additions to your life will make all the difference.

Things that are far more worth judging: How kind are you? How do you love your son? ...They're what people should really be interested in.

Also, join a few baby groups, easier to escape from life's problems and just enjoy your son, and maybe make a few new friends.

Some of the replies are really lacking in understanding.

I fully accept for society at large, there's not a significant amount of judgment associated with being a single mother. (Note: I said 'mother' and 'not a significant', as I don't believe it's entirely gone, sadly).

However, for individuals, and some localities / backgrounds, it can be different.

OP, your post resonates with me (single parent to 3 DC, abusive ex). I also had such shame, guilt & isolation around my status as a single parent.

Like you, those feelings were grounded in childhood, and the expectations in my family. These can be very deep-rooted.

Also, I live in a particularly homogenous world! A well-off suburb in Dublin as it happens! There are a few other separated parents in my circle, but they are few. Most couples are well-off, close to family, professionally educated & lacking in any kind of understanding of what I face.

For several years, I rarely disclosed my situation. I never discuss it in work (that's not necessarily about shame, just privacy and not wanting to open up in that way). Sometimes I simply couldn't; sometimes I knew I'd get the head tilt & no understanding of what my life was like.

I have had a lot of therapy / counselling & so much has changed for me, and how I view myself.

I think I'll never not have sadness & feel some responsibility about the poor choices I made, but also treat myself with kindness & recognise I have done, and continue to do, the best I can.

You are very fortunate to have close friends - I have no-one at all I can confide in, including family. (Despite knowing many people casually). For a long time, this feeling of loneliness ate at me. But I feel much more at ease with myself now, I've just finalised my divorce, after a decade & feel there's a future ahead for me.

So OP, I get you. Your feelings are valid. But now it's time for therapy to help you through. It will be better. Not easily or quickly, but you'll get there. 💕

I do sort of understand - I come from a traditional religious 'respectable' background and my ex never really fitted into it either. Parents thought he wasn't good enough and they were right.

You don't need to be ashamed Just tell people you made a 'misjudgement' and that he's not father material and that you're going it alone, like thousands of other women. If you just tell people that you are going to make the best life for your child alone, they won't judge you, they will respect you for it. Don't use the word 'shame'. Don't lie and create a persona for your ex that he doesn't deserve, tell the truth about him. There might be some benefit to talking things over with a counsellor.

Look at it from a different angle. At least you didn’t waste years of your life on him, better put the trash out then keep it in the house

I want to give you a big hug! You need to change your mindset on this. Your life currently is a different set up to the one that you’ve been raised in. You had and still have all kinds of expectations of life, and where you find yourself is different to that. Think about how you view other single parents. You’ll probably conclude that you admire them.

I understand the feeling of intense shame. I felt it when my exH of 20 years left me. I avoided the local supermarket for a year because I didn’t want to bump into other school mums. It’s very hard for me to understand why I felt this intense shame and feeling of failure. I too was raised in a family where there was no divorce and no single parents. I really had to think about why I felt this sense of shame. What helped me was my very best friend who had been a single parent for many years. I had always admired her for how hard she worked and how well she managed her and her daughters lives. I knew that she disliked being the only single mum at family gatherings but she would go and have fun because her family are really loving and close. I also thought about other people I knew whose spouses had left them and I realised that I didn’t view them in a negative way, just the opposite. I admired their strength and success in getting on with their lives and starting afresh.

I honestly think this is just a mindset you’re in. Try to shift your focus away from your ex. and onto the people in life that give you that warm and lovely family feeling. Spend time with them. Your life won’t always be this way but don’t spend it shrouded in this fog of shame that need not be there. You can banish it and you should because it needs to go. Hold your head high, smile, cherish your son, he is your family.