I am drowning in a life of shame

[shamea]

Been awake two hours again thinking of how shameful my life is. I do not live an authentic life. I was brought up in a traditional home and most of my social circle is the same. Only two close friends know the reality of my life, to everyone else I pretend ex works away so I don’t have to admit I’m a single parent. I am ashamed he doesn’t see our son. I know I can’t keep up that lie forever as ds is now 17 months.

I am not authentic. I am embarrassed I am alone. Embarrassed about mistakes I’ve made. I’m late thirties and nothing seems fixable now so the facade is better than any reality.

I just hate it. I try and fit in with people, always agree. I could never post an honest post on social media. I can never say I’m not ok to anyone except my two closest friends. I don’t know who I am really anymore. I used to like myself. I was happy, confident, excited for the future. Last night I was searching for homes to buy somewhere very remote so I could hide away. I’m not depressed just ashamed. I feel everyone judges me and they would judge me more if they knew what a shambles my life was. I messed up choosing my ex. It’s impacted so much of my life. I can’t start over, it’s happened. I hate what I’ve become. How can I make this stop?

So you’re a single mom, raising a toddler on your own? To me that’s something to be very proud of, not to feel shame about.

You need to start telling people your situation. Keeping it secret, is creating an illogical feeling that there is something for you to be ashamed of.

You are doing great, be proud of how strong you are.

How can I make this stop? I suggest therapy is the logical way to challenge your own thinking.

Why are you ashamed? You are bringing up your child without support - you are a superhero! I would feel judged if I abandoned my child, not brought them up as a single parent.

It sounds like you would benefit from counselling to explore these feelings more and allow you to be able to lead the authentic life you deserve to lead.

Just to add I'm in my early forties and the previously stable relationships around us are falling like houses of cards in nasty divorces and tricky co parenting.

Just had a read, Gingerbread do online support, and groups and also what they call Urgent support. To help you connect with other single parents.

The urge to become a mother is very strong, and many women have kids with sub optimal men- a proportion of whom rise to the challenge to become great Dads.

You have done nothing shameful, and putting shame on yourself (and by extension your child) over this is putting you at risk of starting with another loser.

People don’t think half as much about you, and know how easy it is to get caught up when you’re in love.

This isn’t about forgiving ourselves- you’ve done nothing wrong.

Op you have nothing to feel ashamed about. Please stop living this lie and tell people. If any of them judge you or treat you differently they are not people you want in your life.

Don’t fool yourself, people will know or suspect you are living a lie.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, just tell the truth.

I think you need to start reframing your thoughts and seeing the positives:
Getting out of a toxic relationship
Getting away from an awful partner
Being the master of your own destiny...........

I think you would be surprised how many people would be supportive

You do need to start telling more people

Why do you care and more so,why do you think other people care if you are a single
parent?

The short relationship was worth it, it has resulted in a beautiful child. Whats there to be ashamed of, you are not the first and wont be the last person whos relationship hasnt worked out.

I am sorry you are feeling this way.

Perhaps reach out to your Dr for mental health support and therapy? Look up the attachment theories formed in childhood, that have a long lasting negative impact in your life. Just to see if there’s anything there that you relate to.

Including trauma responses… it sounds like you may be having the ‘fawning’ response, it’s a self protection which became built in to protect you in childhood and youth, that have unhelpfully continued into your adult years. Like constantly people pleasing - to the detriment of yourself. All that low self esteem, self hate, shame, self blame and doubts. Lacking confidence to speak authentically, scared of being judged, or rejected.

There is help out there, to help you cope, and try to change the way you see things for the better, and actively trying to change your behaviour and self esteem problems. Learning how to think positively about yourself, rather than ruminating on the negatives.

Also look into, is a rarer and often undiagnosed or misdiagnosed subtype of Borderline personality disorder. It is called ‘Quiet Borderline’ or ‘high functioning borderline’.

The people pleasing, fear of rejection, loss of self and lack of an identity, the negative talk and self blame and acting in on yourself, as opposed to outbursts. These are just some of the signs & symptoms.

I am not a medical expert, but have read a lot on psychology and trauma, and so have a limited but reasonable understanding of what it could be, it may be that you look into all of this and feel it does not apply, but it’s a place to start in the meantime, and perhaps reflect and recognise why you do what you do, and feel how you feel. I am sure there are answers to those questions that only a medical professional could help with.

It doesn’t sound like a temporary feeling, the way you have described it being life long, and what you ‘always’ feel your can never say or do. Be gentle with yourself, we can often be our own worst enemies at times. Remember that you have worth, you are are valued, loved, and have so much to be happy about with your precious child, and all the love, and adventures you have ahead of you as a Mum. Cherish
the good moments, and try writing out all the positives about you, your life, and the world. 💐

Are you from a culture that looks down on single mums?
It's better that you don't make social media posts on your private business, that's so tacky.
Go and take up that counselling, there is a lot of issues to unpack with a therapist.
You have 2 close friends, a healthy child and still young. Loads of couples have problems including affairs but stay out of finances, the grass is not greener.
You're not thinking objectively about your life which is why I say go to counselling.

Tacky??. Tacky for posting on an anonymous forum, reaching out for help, advice and support in what is clearly a very hard time in her life? 100% OP doesn’t need this kind of criticism from you.

Rather than move to the middle of nowhere OP I think you need to move to a bigger town/city. Distance yourself from anyone that is that judged. I feel like this must be a religious thing and you need out if so.

Would you tell an abandoned pregnant woman that she ought to be ashamed of herself for the actions of the man who left?

Or another single mother?

Would you tell them they should be ashamed of themselves and judge them for their choices, @shamea ?

I would strongly encourage you to listen to some of the Brene Browns talks on shame and vulnerability. They changed my life in a big way. I now feel closer than ever to my friends and people I meet because being authentic and open makes people feel they can be the same back - and that’s the grounds for life long connection.

We all carry shame, please don’t feel alone with that.

Instead of feeling shame for being the odd one out, lean in to it, be proud of it

She was obviously referring to the OP’s original post where she said she was too ashamed to make social media posts about her life. Not criticising her posting on mumsnet! And yes it IS tacky to post those “my life is so wonderful, I’m so blessed” posts like a few people I know constantly do. A lot of it is fake too as I know of one couple who got divorced and literally up until a week or so before the split the woman’s social media was full of “my wonderful hubby” type posts with heavily filtered pictures. Turns out he wasn’t so wonderful and had cheated on her multiple times during the marriage (and she knew) but someone feeling down about being single might read her fake posts and feel worse about their own life.

Somebody told me once thing of shame and regret as good things as they teach you what you don’t want to do in your future. We think of them as emotions keeping us in the past but actually they’re emotions that allow us into our present and future.

could you try to reframe that in your mind?

good luck 💐

And it’s really sad that women still feel like this today when there isn’t widespread stigma against single mums. There is however a pressure to have a perfect life, as compounded by social media and I can see that if you are surrounded by people who have “perfect” lives that you might feel that you’ve failed if your relationship breaks down. It’s all bullshit and really sad because most of the perfect life people probably aren’t blissfully happy like they say they are.

One of my friends is like this. She has chosen to stay with her narcissist prick of a husband who spends all the family money and leaves her struggling to buy food. And cheats on her and just generally doesn’t support her or treat her with respect. All because she can’t face the “shame” of divorce. Her dad has treated her mum like shit for 45 years though so it’s been ingrained in her. OP, be reassured that you’re teaching your child a much better way of living.

He should be ashamed, not you.

I misunderstood, you are right.

@ParisianBedBug - apologies, I didn’t read your post properly.

Your social circle seems a big factor in this, is it religious or is it something else making you feel worse?

There is nothing to be ashamed of about being a single parent. The one who should be ashamed, is his dad. Who doesn't bother with him.

You're being so hard on yourself. You blame yourself for your ex's faults, for being alone & for not being transparent with everyone about your ex's whereabouts. Cut yourself some slack. You are a responsible, loving parent & you are taking care of your child by yourself. That's really admirable.

When you're ready to tell people you're a single parent, tell them. x

Exactly this. Is it the 1800’s in your mind Op?