I am drowning in a life of shame

[shamea]

Been awake two hours again thinking of how shameful my life is. I do not live an authentic life. I was brought up in a traditional home and most of my social circle is the same. Only two close friends know the reality of my life, to everyone else I pretend ex works away so I don’t have to admit I’m a single parent. I am ashamed he doesn’t see our son. I know I can’t keep up that lie forever as ds is now 17 months.

I am not authentic. I am embarrassed I am alone. Embarrassed about mistakes I’ve made. I’m late thirties and nothing seems fixable now so the facade is better than any reality.

I just hate it. I try and fit in with people, always agree. I could never post an honest post on social media. I can never say I’m not ok to anyone except my two closest friends. I don’t know who I am really anymore. I used to like myself. I was happy, confident, excited for the future. Last night I was searching for homes to buy somewhere very remote so I could hide away. I’m not depressed just ashamed. I feel everyone judges me and they would judge me more if they knew what a shambles my life was. I messed up choosing my ex. It’s impacted so much of my life. I can’t start over, it’s happened. I hate what I’ve become. How can I make this stop?

This was me 10 years ago and I spent most of the early years “hiding” from friends and family because I was made to feel ashamed because I was brought up in a traditional (religious) background (husband first, do everything for your man etc) - although everyone in my small friendship circle were very supportive.

being a single mother wasn’t the issue.

the shame I had was the issue - and it stopped me from doing fun social traditional things such as baby showers and “meet the baby”, finding mum friends etc.

I also had PND which went undiagnosed. I could have enjoyed my life and baby more if I had sorted out my feelings.

I’m sharing to show that you are not alone. I am now in a group of lone parents that have similar “religious but judgmental” backgrounds to me and we are supporting each other because mentally this space is tough.

Please do get some counselling and find someone that specialises in this field.

I’ve also been the odd one out - my friends were single and all the other mums at school were from 2 parent families (something my DD would raise “mummy I’m the only one without a dad in my class”) - but guess what she was still happy.

to this day I, my friends and family give her love. I don’t feel shame so I take her absolutely everywhere with me (within reason). Within my “traditional” community I would get looks and dumb people saying comments but I’m witty enough to reply back. I don’t care what people think of me - but don’t start on a child.

Also, overtime many of my friends with partners (and as I’ve got to know them and their actual life) have show me that relationships can be crippling and just as miserable without a supportive partner.

So many women that are in the “traditional communities” you might be describing put on a front. It’s so damaging.

The grass isn’t always greener. A few of my married friends have really struggled (especially young relationships) and years later have expressed their appreciation to how I’ve been able to raise my child, work and build an identity for myself. I learn from my friends that have tough but balanced relationships with their partners.

my ex was financially and emotionally abusive and a flaky dad. I would have been miserable if we worked out (we tried and it was terrible).

I also know many women (including my mum!) who have remarried after the age of 40. And have found good men.

you are right to not look for a relationship now. Build on yourself. If you have to save up to move away (which I also did - it’s been such a blessing to build a new community) then do so. Keep your good friends - they will remind you how far you have come. Your child is amazing - focus on him.

I think if you’ve experienced a lot of judgement through out your life it can be hard when it comes to disclosing something that could potentially open you up to more judgement.
I would just say you have 2 friends that fully know and accept you and ultimately your relationship status is no one else’s business, so you don’t need to tell other people anything. I also suspect these others have shown themselves to be judgemental by voicing harsh opinions, or gossiping, so you are just trying to protect yourself, so don’t be so hard on yourself for doing it.
However, I would explore the shame you feel with a counsellor, as it will run deeper than you being a single parent.

Also to add to my PTSD comment, I was left 6 months pregnant by the ‘love of my life’. He moved abroad, I told everyone it was part of a plan and I would follow, that we were still very much a family and he was paying for everything.
In reality, he’d actually contacted the utility companies to get the electric and water turned off.
He never paid a penny for 18 years and we had zero contact. I know the shame you are feeling, but the shame doesn’t belong with you I promise 💐

I'm sorry you feel this way and it sounds liek you've been really affected by the circumstances you grew up in, which is not how most people feel these days. Single parenting is incredibly common, it's not something people feel gossip worthy these days and it wouldn't even occur to me to think 'Ooh, what did she do wrong then?' if I hear someone is a single mum, it's just a totally normal thing.

I'm 45, not everyone I know is in a stable relationship position, in fact a lot aren't - again, this is normal now.

It feels like you maybe need to find a new circle socially where you can see how normal all of this is, there really is nothing you need be ashamed of. And perhaps seek some counselling to tackle these feelings of shame.

I was a single parent after choosing an absolute twat to be with. I got rid of him when I was pregnant. I'm now happily married.
No one will judge you for being a single parent. They'd think it was more weird if you stayed with someone who wasn't good for you. Hold your head up high you have nothing at all be feel bad about.

Single parenting is incredibly common
It is, and it isn't.

It depends on where you live. It also depends on your circumstances. You can be a single parent & have an involved co-parent, which makes everything different (and easier).

Or it can be like me, and OP, with an uninvolved ex, so everything falls to you. IME, many people cannot understand this.

Or again, in my case, an ex who does everything he can to cause difficulties for me & DC, and that can be mortifying around others.

It's not one simple situation.

But are there really that many judgemental people nowadays? I’ve never come across a single negative judgement/comment/side eye etc in the twenty odd years I’ve been a single parent. Maybe there are judgements within religious families or families where their culture has very exacting expectations but outside those (toxic) mindsets I’d say there’s no judgement.

21st century, even!

Are you a disgraced character living in genteel poverty in a Jane Austen novel?

It’s the op judging herself, she’s not given anyone else a chance.