Invite yourself to dinner but come empty handed

[Newandveryconfused]

Aibu.. To think that if YOU ask for an invitation to eat round someone's home... You should at least come with a bottle/pudding/flowers or some sort of thank you... If not.. Then help clean up after?

I've a friend who lives alone and had no children. I'm a single parent to 3 girls. 2 teenagers (18,15) and 1 toddler (2). He likes to come round for the atmosphere and I suppose busyness. The chaos for a better word lol.
But he just comes. With him being a picky eater, he's always asking constantly whats in this and that etc... Its so annoying!! AND will sometimes Google it at the table!! 🤬.. Its just sooooooooo rude!!! (we have a no phones at the table and my eldest kids and myself are saying so... But he carrys on RUDE!! ).

He then finally eats it all... He'll have his plate taken away from him, his pudding served and then that bowl taken from him.
His area cleaned up for him.
Myself and my eldest 2 will clean up/washing up/tidy everything away etc.
He then will ask for a coffee.

Just writing this my blood is boiling!!

Am I just seeing things differently?
I would come with something and damn well help out!! I wouldn't feel comfortable being waited on hand and foot when something so nice had been done for me. Especially at the fact HE ASKED FOR THE INVITE! It would be a curtious thank you I suppose. I would wash up at the very least. Bring pudding... SOMETHING!!

He's hinting to come this weekend but Helllllllllll no!!!

Am I the abnormal one here? 🤔
This has now happened 4 times, So he blatantly can't see he's doing anything wrong. But is he? 🤔

Aibu to expect some thanks?

If not, how could I word this to open his eyes to "dinner etiquette" that's politely put?

My 18 and 15 year old is also shocked by this, but obviously I've raised them... So they will have my rule instilled in them. So it might be wrong. I don't know.

I lack confidence and self esteem. Definitely hate confrontation. I don't want to offend him (even though he's offending me with no give a fucks) .
He's 38...I'm 42.

It's purely a platonic friendship. Nothing in it. I've known him for about 10 years total now. He's recently returned from Canada where he was for the past 3 years. My husband died unexpectedly 18months ago, so he's I suppose trying to be there for me 🤨

Help... Please 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

Say something?
Can you bring a pudding and wine next time please.

Tell him what to bring.

If your blood is boiling, why are you still having him over?
Moreover you are teaching your DC to wait on him hand and foot too!

He's got a wonderful thing going, of course he will keep inviting himself over. He has no reason to do anything different.

I’d just distance myself from him he sounds like a right weirdo.

Use your words and tell him to bring pudding for 5 next time or 2 bottles of wine or a cheese board. He is one cf! Get the kids to tell him no phones at table.

Say ‘your turn to bring pudding next time mate, this isn’t a flippin restaurant!’

Sounds like he has issues socially and has somehow felt accepted as part of your family, like one of your kids. Probably thinks that you're doing the dinner anyway and it's not an extra hassle for an additional plate. Sounds like this has been going on for so long that nothing is likely to change. Confronting will likely cause upset for what appears to be a pretty lonely person.

"Lovely! How about we come to yours this time. See you about seven?"

Just wanted to say I'm sorry your husband died and send you and your girls virtual hugs. You sound like a lovely mum. If this friend's company doesn't help you, you're not obliged to entertain him. If his company is enjoyable consider asking him for something, e.g."it'd be great if you would cut the grass while I prepare dinner".

I voted YABU because you've let the rude fucker behave like this more than once.

..... looking forward to seeing you for lunch next Sunday. Everyone normally chips in with a contribution, can you please bring a couple of bottles of wine / selection of cheeses....

Stop inviting him round. If he announces he’s coming round just say no. Or say I’m pretty sure it’s your turn to host

🤣🤣🤣, you say.
your turn next week. we’re all coming over at 2 next Sunday for lunch. We expect the works.
Love you too, see you then ……

I don’t think he is a friend. A friend wouldn’t do this.

“If you’re coming over, could you bring pudding or cheese?” And when he is there “come and join me getting the washing up done, wash it dry?”.

I wouldn’t let him come.
If he suggests coming say, I’ll let you know and don’t get back to him.

Are you getting anything from the friendship? Is he good company or does he provide other support ?
If so then simply say the next time he asks "great, you can bring dessert/salad/wine and I'll cook mains "

When the meal is done, just say "right, I'll take these plates can you bring in the glasses for me"

Some people have different expectations depending on how they were brought up so the simplest thing is to simply tell him what you are expecting. Like a child, you can't expect him to understand your expectations so you have to be clear. So state what you want him to do and don't expect him to know or guess. This assuming you want to continue the friendship!

He might think he's supporting you, but somehow I don't see it.
He sees a free meal, with no washing up afterwards.
You need to say something. Such as, "I'll make us a spag bol if you can bring the mince."
Or if you're up to it, just tell him that you'd rather come over to his place, and ask him what you'll be having for dinner.

Next time he asks just say…
‘Only if you bring pudding AND help with the dishes’

Yep be specific

Bring X with you and it's you turn to wash up & load the dishwasher.

I'm sorry for your loss

What do YOU get from this 'friendship'??? You haven't said. If nothing, I'd avoid future invites- which in itself is rude. How often do you all eat at his?

I agree with others. Ask him to bring a bottle/dessert etc or invite yourself to HIS place and tell him you are ALL coming for Sunday roast! 😉

Tell him what to bring. Ask him to do the washing up. Why are you enabling him?

I voted you abu because this is madness .
in reply to his mesage about coming for food”sorry best not to unless you can stick to no phone at table rule “ which even the kids stick too.
Also ist your turn to provide pudding and wash up .
You will soo see if a/ he has respect for you and b/ wether you are being used .

I wouldn’t put up with this

This is kind of how I see it. He has his own business but works alone. Lives alone. Has no family but a brother who is in the Army currently dealing with the war of late. He just had no one. Yes... He's loads in the bank... Very much set for life already tbf... But money can't buy everything I suppose.

I do need to, in a jokingly tone say.... "You bringing pudding? And see how that's received. Maybe if I put it across in a banter kind of way... He'll probably get the hint... (but then also not pick at it either 😒).

I do over think things and see past 'the simple' solution. I just feel sorry for him in a way, but then at the same time.. Need him to have manners. Xxx

No wonder he has plenty in the bank . ! Lol

No you have to set boundaries . No joking tell
him what you need for dinner and expect regarding table manners .
Or just keep saying sorry we are busy.

I like pp idea of inviting everyone to his for Sunday roast