Invite yourself to dinner but come empty handed

[Newandveryconfused]

Aibu.. To think that if YOU ask for an invitation to eat round someone's home... You should at least come with a bottle/pudding/flowers or some sort of thank you... If not.. Then help clean up after?

I've a friend who lives alone and had no children. I'm a single parent to 3 girls. 2 teenagers (18,15) and 1 toddler (2). He likes to come round for the atmosphere and I suppose busyness. The chaos for a better word lol.
But he just comes. With him being a picky eater, he's always asking constantly whats in this and that etc... Its so annoying!! AND will sometimes Google it at the table!! 🤬.. Its just sooooooooo rude!!! (we have a no phones at the table and my eldest kids and myself are saying so... But he carrys on RUDE!! ).

He then finally eats it all... He'll have his plate taken away from him, his pudding served and then that bowl taken from him.
His area cleaned up for him.
Myself and my eldest 2 will clean up/washing up/tidy everything away etc.
He then will ask for a coffee.

Just writing this my blood is boiling!!

Am I just seeing things differently?
I would come with something and damn well help out!! I wouldn't feel comfortable being waited on hand and foot when something so nice had been done for me. Especially at the fact HE ASKED FOR THE INVITE! It would be a curtious thank you I suppose. I would wash up at the very least. Bring pudding... SOMETHING!!

He's hinting to come this weekend but Helllllllllll no!!!

Am I the abnormal one here? 🤔
This has now happened 4 times, So he blatantly can't see he's doing anything wrong. But is he? 🤔

Aibu to expect some thanks?

If not, how could I word this to open his eyes to "dinner etiquette" that's politely put?

My 18 and 15 year old is also shocked by this, but obviously I've raised them... So they will have my rule instilled in them. So it might be wrong. I don't know.

I lack confidence and self esteem. Definitely hate confrontation. I don't want to offend him (even though he's offending me with no give a fucks) .
He's 38...I'm 42.

It's purely a platonic friendship. Nothing in it. I've known him for about 10 years total now. He's recently returned from Canada where he was for the past 3 years. My husband died unexpectedly 18months ago, so he's I suppose trying to be there for me 🤨

Help... Please 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

My brother is a bit like that. He will do anything to help other people except he is socially unaware so turns up empty handed and does nothing to help serve/tidy up, says thank you and goes home, eventually. It takes a very direct statement for him to realise his faux pas and then he gets embarrassed as hell. Then he repeats it next time. It washes over me now tbh.

I'm sure he's very fond of you BUT he's also seeing a free two course meal with coffee and no prep/washing up when his own fridge is probably near empty.

How did the paying for the guttering come about? I ask because I imagine he just told you the price...rather than having to ask in a bantery way.

I don't think there's any need to ask him to bring stuff in a jokey way. Just be direct. Does he ask by phone call or text? If it's text it's even easier

"Yes that would be nice. Please can you bring dessert and a side dish?"

He might even be pleased that you've asked as then he feels needed. Then once you've eaten just say would you mind washing up while I put the kids to bed or whatever.

I think often men need and appreciate being direct.

My brother used to do this at Christmas. I would even pick him up and drop him off! Haven't had him over for several years now

This. Or at least say “sure, I’ll make dinner, you bring wine and pudding”.
If you get something from this friendship say this. If you don’t, just stop having him over/interacting with him.

This was my thought too.

Maybe you just need to ask him. For example, could you bring a pudding as I won't have time to make one.

He sounds a bit like my brother who is a bit socially unaware (maybe on the ASD spectrum but never had a diagnosis). He doesn't always pick up on social cues but is kind hearted and helpful when he realises. He's not fussy re food though - that sounds annoying but could fit the ASD profile?

He seems to want to be treated as part of the family by pitching up unasked. So as you're feeding him in your home he should follow your house rules ..no phones and helping to clear up. At the least.

Tell him and I mean tell him that this is what you want in exchange. Ask for wine/ dessert, frame in terms of "and it would be nice if you could bring...."

Things will only change if you make them.

You need to get on top of this, he's taking the piss. You also need to stop teaching your daughters to stop waiting on a lazy man.
Next time he wants to come round just tell him - You're welcome to come, but I'm going to ask you to give me a hand. I'd like you to bring a pudding and bottle of wine. You need to agree to respect the rule of no phones at the table and no more Googling ingredients in the meal, it's not fair to do that. I also need you to start joining in with the rest of us and help with things like clearing the table and washing up. I think these are reasonable things to ask and it will mean that we all enjoy the meal more.

I’m sorry for the loss of your husband. If this friend actually wanted to be there for you and support you, he’d invite himself over and bring the dinner, lay the table, clear up, and essentially give you a night off from chores with good company to boot.

It’s fucking rude to come over with nothing, fuss over what he’s served, google at the table, then clear off again without helping. You’re not a cafe.

What do you get out of the friendship? I’d soft ghost him.

Of course one really obvious thing you could do is - X, can you bring the plates out please? X could you grab a tea towel and dry up please? X, if you don't put your phone away your dinner's going in the bin. X, I'm not answering questions about ingredients, just eat it.

I think you need to tell him that, frankly, he's taking the piss and treating you as if you were his mother!

Tell him that you're pissed off that he invites himself, brings NOTHING which is really rude, and does NOTHING to help, all in all being a bloody awful "friend".

You can lay it on the line - his reaction will inform you whether he's just been a thoughtless twat and will change or he fully intended to take the piss. In which case he can Fuck Off.

Friends can, and should, be honest with each other, particularly if the friendship is put at risk because of some bad behaviour.

What does he want, exactly?

does he spark joy ?
no?
then
send him out to another Charity

I think hes being a CF for sure .I would just say ,"Nick ,great to see you, Dinner next week will be great.Can you bring along a bottle and some pud ,thanks .Hopefully this will do the trick .He sounds like a lot of men who somehow expect food to appear from nowhere!

He's not being there for you. You are being there for him.

What an absolute piss taker, especially given your recent bereavement.

He’s not coming to be here for you, but for a free meal and to cure his loneliness.

You’ll be doing his washing next.

Only have him when you want to, and give him direction on how to behave as you would a child - ‘great, please can you bring a bottle of wine and salad’ - ‘can you help daughter with the washing up while I take the bin out’

If you want him to keep coming and you not feel resentful you need to ask him to contribute. You could start with 'you're welcome to come but it's your turn to cook. 5 oven pizzas and sides?' Thereafter he brings starter or pudding or continue in turns?

He is treating you like a restaurant, without having to pay. He is one CF.

If he is such a good friend he won't object to you saying something. Doesn't have to be rude, just straight talking.

In view of the fact he has plenty of money, (which is no wonder when he charges someone who has treated him as a part of the family for doing a small job for them), I think I would say next time he asks to come for dinner, I think it's your turn to treat us this time, we all like Chinese so how about you bring a takeaway.

Alternatively, as I often suggest when people struggle with confrontation, if you can't say it, write it down, ie, send him a text and say something along the lines of, I've been thinking about your recent visits, and while it's always nice to see you, cooking for even one extra, particularly someone as fussy as you are, is a lot of extra work and expense. I don't know whether you realise it, perhaps you weren't taught, but it's polite when you go to visit friends for a meal to make a contribution, or return the favour. So next time you come, can you please bring pudding for everyone, or perhaps a couple of bottles of wine, even flowers would show appreciation. Also, as you know I try to teach my girls that it's good manners NOT to have their phones at the table, so next time you come, be prepared to put yours aside during the meal, as otherwise you are undermining my parenting. Oh, and an offer to help wash up afterwards is always appreciated. Look forward to seeing you soon.

If he doesn't respond with an apology, then you know where you stand with him, and that he is the CF that he appears to be.

"Being strong for our girls is just exhausting": I have that T shirt, op. From experience, the effort you put in will (eventually) be very worth it. But, please, don't lose yourself in the process. Time heals but time takes a long time.

Sounds like he offered support to get free meals out of you.

He’s a cunt, don’t feed him again.

The most shocking of updates!!

This is how the texting had gone.

Him you doing a roast tomo? Space for a little one? 😉

Me sure... as long as you bring pudding 😊

Him why you say that?

Me saves you goggling the ingredients like a tit 🙄xx

Him Your reason for pudding seems extremely extra.
Have you had a bad night's sleep?
Woke up angry? Stressed?
Sure no worries. I've only eaten with you guys 12 times.
But it seems to have worked you up a great deal. I am most surprised and shocked.

Me don't know if you know, but sometimes you can be very patronising, condescending and rude... Having ADD doesn't give you the excuse to be a cock! It's just pudding.. Jeeezzzz

him Oo. So any criticism or thoughts that aren't yours makes you assume I'm being those things. Wow.
Okay.
Well you know I care, and I'm a nice person, so without being disrespectful, those are your issues you'll have to work on right. Yes I speak and don't take anything. No point beating around the bush as they say

me it appears that it is you that can't take criticism. Why turn it all around so now its MY fault and MY issue?

***Now he's just left my last message as "unread".

What the hell happened!?!? It was bloody pudding!!!
So yeah...... I think friendship is definitely OVER! That's just ridiculous!! I can't be arsed with such nonsense. I've enough going on.

The sane response to
"sure... as long as you bring pudding"
surely is "what do you guys like?"

Don't let this selfish man back into your family. Sounds like you are doing a grand job on your own.

Ah, he didn't like being called out as the freeloader he is. DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. Classic. Poor diddums.