Invite yourself to dinner but come empty handed

[Newandveryconfused]

Aibu.. To think that if YOU ask for an invitation to eat round someone's home... You should at least come with a bottle/pudding/flowers or some sort of thank you... If not.. Then help clean up after?

I've a friend who lives alone and had no children. I'm a single parent to 3 girls. 2 teenagers (18,15) and 1 toddler (2). He likes to come round for the atmosphere and I suppose busyness. The chaos for a better word lol.
But he just comes. With him being a picky eater, he's always asking constantly whats in this and that etc... Its so annoying!! AND will sometimes Google it at the table!! 🤬.. Its just sooooooooo rude!!! (we have a no phones at the table and my eldest kids and myself are saying so... But he carrys on RUDE!! ).

He then finally eats it all... He'll have his plate taken away from him, his pudding served and then that bowl taken from him.
His area cleaned up for him.
Myself and my eldest 2 will clean up/washing up/tidy everything away etc.
He then will ask for a coffee.

Just writing this my blood is boiling!!

Am I just seeing things differently?
I would come with something and damn well help out!! I wouldn't feel comfortable being waited on hand and foot when something so nice had been done for me. Especially at the fact HE ASKED FOR THE INVITE! It would be a curtious thank you I suppose. I would wash up at the very least. Bring pudding... SOMETHING!!

He's hinting to come this weekend but Helllllllllll no!!!

Am I the abnormal one here? 🤔
This has now happened 4 times, So he blatantly can't see he's doing anything wrong. But is he? 🤔

Aibu to expect some thanks?

If not, how could I word this to open his eyes to "dinner etiquette" that's politely put?

My 18 and 15 year old is also shocked by this, but obviously I've raised them... So they will have my rule instilled in them. So it might be wrong. I don't know.

I lack confidence and self esteem. Definitely hate confrontation. I don't want to offend him (even though he's offending me with no give a fucks) .
He's 38...I'm 42.

It's purely a platonic friendship. Nothing in it. I've known him for about 10 years total now. He's recently returned from Canada where he was for the past 3 years. My husband died unexpectedly 18months ago, so he's I suppose trying to be there for me 🤨

Help... Please 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

@Newandveryconfused

On that note....
He's got a few belongings of my husband's that he's borrowed for work...
I'm gonna give it a few days... Then some how work on a response on getting them back and calling it a day on our friendship. (would be grateful for ideas in the mean time though, if anymore can help please?

I'm unsure what exact words to use - was there a deadline set for when he'd return them? If there was you could prompt him but ensure he doesn't try to extend the loan past a date which makes you uncomfortable.

Also, by all means be calm in asking for your husband's/your possessions back but avoid any note of apology or vagueness in your request. I hope you're successful in getting them back in the condition you lent them. Good luck OP. 🌹

At best he’s an ignorant freeloading greedy knob
at worst he’s exploitative and manipulative

either way not someone you want in your home and life so you are well rid of the fucker

You have to get this guy out of your life and your daughters' lives. That response is showing a sense of entitlement and asumed intimacy that he thinks he has that is beyond a platonic friendship. The fact he has got you trying to understand and rationalise it is another concern. He is definitely not seeing this friendship the same as you and is a selfish dick anyway. That reaction was extreme because he is thinking he has validity in making those comments. Time to cut him loose.

His reply to you was just a load of humble jumble . He’s a manipulating prick .

Yes, I have seen this a few times over the years and this has all the vibes of developing this way. Emotional support and supposed friendship at a vulnerable time turning into manipulation and entitlement.

You need to toughen up a bit in your approach. Don’t joke about “you bring pudding’’ or whatever. Say something like ‘If you want to come, bring your own meal and I’ll heat it up in the microwave as you never like what I make’. Or how about, ‘You never like what I cook, so eat first and come after we’ve had our dinner’. And mean it!

Oh sorry, just caught up with your last posts. You did toughen up over pudding! Well done. What a twat he sounds! He’s really is no loss.

So so sorry about your experience. I hope all is well with you now. It's awful knowing that people can do that. To play on someone's vulnerabilities.

If my 'friend' is after anything more than the friendship hes had all these years, he's deluded.
He knows my husband, the father of my children, STILL owns my heart.
I might be vulnerable with generosity and kindness, which I've always done... And iwon't change cos of a bad egg... But what some of the pp have made me question now is:-
What does he
1,do for the friendship?
2,for me and my kids?
3,to help and to be the support he initially came with....
NOTHING.

So, that there is evident it's ran it's course.

A friend shouldn't be like this!!
My dh dealt with him more before so I suppose I just didn't see this side OR he's just doing it now since my dh died 🤔

Thank you all for your replies. Thank you for making me see. It definitely was a good idea to ask for pudding 😂😂😂😂

This. I’d actually given him the benefit of the doubt and assumed he just hadn’t thought of bringing pudding, but the way he reacted so snappily and nastily shows he knew he was taking the piss all along. He’s fuming that you’ve put an end to it and called him out. I suspect he’s done with others before and they’ve called him out on it too so he’s hyper sensitive to being challenged on this.

If he questions again why you brought up the pudding I wouldn’t mention Google ingredients as that’s irrelevant. Tell him straight because you provided dinner for him many times and you had thought it would be great if he could contribute the same way most of your other guests do. Obviously he shouldn’t come for dinner at all now though.

So odd for him to say he’s ate with you 12 times, I mean that’s a lot so it’s not really helping his case. And quite unusual that’s he counted it all up.

He's a mooch! I had a friend like this and I weighed what he got out of it and what I got out of it and it wasn't balanced at all, so I cut it off. It's probably a lot healthier to have a nice convo instead. I hate those convos though, where I'm treating man like a child because he's not acting right. I have my own children to raise, it isn't my fault his parents didn't raise him right. This isn't normal behavior in any part of the world, any culture at all. He should at least help with cleaning up. If he wanted to be there for you he would give, not take.

Yeahhh It sounds very much like he'd got into a fantasy that you were mum... he could come back to this family house and be taken care of, maybe like a grown up when they come back to mum's.

Not excusing it, but as you mentioned his mum died when he was a young adult, I wouldn't be surprised if a little bit of him is trying to get something he lacked - playing out a fantasy.

Asking himself around, bringing nothing. Bending the rules at table ...,and even describing himself as a 'little one" in the text are all very 'adult child coming home for Sunday dinner' vibe.

I would be really really curious to know if he acts like this any time he goes to any dinner, or if somehow you became 'mummy'

But that's no reason to keep feeding him! I think if you get back in contact, just explain it to him calmly, in straight forward words.

"I'm a recently widowed woman with three children, including a toddler to feed. An extra adult mouth is extra effort and expense to manage on top of all of that. I enjoy your company, and appreciate your help when DH died, but if you want to come to join our family dinner, please check it's a convenient day, please bring a contribution like wine or dessert, please respect the family rules of no mobiles at the table, and please help with the work of clearing up. Otherwise, it is like I am doing all the caring, a bit like having a fourth child, when I'm already very tired."

Dear ignorant friend
Friendships are give and take. That's what love is about. That's how friendship flourishes
Hth
Newandveryconfused

Oh and I'd suggest don't hint or obfuscate. Clarity is important in communication

YABU only that you haven't already told him that he should wait to be invited, at least bring a bottle, no mobiles at the table, and help clear afterwards. Use your words!!

He must think you're his mum or potential wife in training!

He might just turn up for lunch today - dont open the door, go out for lunch instead!

Urgh. “Room for a little one”. Trying to infantilise his demand to disguise what it is - shameless freeloading.

As for the response when you asked him to bring pudding - I thought it was interesting that he pivoted straight to “I’ve only been round 12 times.” He’s been keeping track of how many times he’s been over and he knows full well that coming over that often empty-handed is a problem. Why would he go straight on the defensive otherwise?

It's the "only" 12 times that got me. How often does he think he needs to come before he needs to bring something?

What he’s been doing is a crime against hospitality. Empty handed - rude. Fussy eater - a bit rude. Inviting himself- rude. Phone on the table - rude. Not helping even clear the dishes - rude. Kicking off when you ask him to bring pudding - bloody rude. Be off with him!!

Get your husband's things back ASAP. Be firm, don't joke or be apologetic. He's been using you, you've realised that now, and it's time to cut him off completely.

He has no excuse for hanging on to your husband's belongings. Tell him firmly but politely that you want them back. If he asks why, just keep saying he must return them, you don't owe him an explanation.

Gosh its not hard to see why he has nobody at all in his life. He is a nasty freeloader. Has no care for relationships other than what he can get out of them.

Am so sorry for the loss of your husband ❤️

What belongings of your husbands does he have? Would it be awful if he didn't give them back?

He sounds like a thoroughly nasty arsewipe

So sorry about your husband. I completely understand why you gave this guy numerous chances as he was a friend to you both.

I don't even know what to say about his messages, other than what an absolute asshole. All entitlement, zero awareness. Glad you are rid of him.

I'd just keep saying it doesn't suit tbh. I cannot be doing with people who invite themselves round.

Good grief! That response!
I agree your message should have swerved the Googling of ingredients and been about the lack of contribution and help but wow it touched a nerve!
Only been 12 times!!!
Does his rule book say a contribution should be made 'only after you've freeloaded on 20 occasions"

I asked my DP who declared the ‘friend’ to be, thick skinned, hard faced, wolf in sheeps clothing who OP you will possibly learn that your girls didn’t like him at all.

Then reminded me of the old fashioned yet appropriate expression of widow chasers as they were called, he’s got his feet under her table well and truly.

Sadly, you need to develop cynicism, it isn’t as though there isn’t plenty of it on MN
you could tap into.

My sympathetic DP also opined that it would be a good idea to present yourself at erstwhile friend’s place of work, possibly take someone with you, to recover your late husband’s belongings, save friend on your doorstep, as thwarted, he may well turn nasty and you don’t need that.

Now harness the indignation from posters here to carry you forward, good luck !