Invite yourself to dinner but come empty handed

[Newandveryconfused]

Aibu.. To think that if YOU ask for an invitation to eat round someone's home... You should at least come with a bottle/pudding/flowers or some sort of thank you... If not.. Then help clean up after?

I've a friend who lives alone and had no children. I'm a single parent to 3 girls. 2 teenagers (18,15) and 1 toddler (2). He likes to come round for the atmosphere and I suppose busyness. The chaos for a better word lol.
But he just comes. With him being a picky eater, he's always asking constantly whats in this and that etc... Its so annoying!! AND will sometimes Google it at the table!! 🤬.. Its just sooooooooo rude!!! (we have a no phones at the table and my eldest kids and myself are saying so... But he carrys on RUDE!! ).

He then finally eats it all... He'll have his plate taken away from him, his pudding served and then that bowl taken from him.
His area cleaned up for him.
Myself and my eldest 2 will clean up/washing up/tidy everything away etc.
He then will ask for a coffee.

Just writing this my blood is boiling!!

Am I just seeing things differently?
I would come with something and damn well help out!! I wouldn't feel comfortable being waited on hand and foot when something so nice had been done for me. Especially at the fact HE ASKED FOR THE INVITE! It would be a curtious thank you I suppose. I would wash up at the very least. Bring pudding... SOMETHING!!

He's hinting to come this weekend but Helllllllllll no!!!

Am I the abnormal one here? 🤔
This has now happened 4 times, So he blatantly can't see he's doing anything wrong. But is he? 🤔

Aibu to expect some thanks?

If not, how could I word this to open his eyes to "dinner etiquette" that's politely put?

My 18 and 15 year old is also shocked by this, but obviously I've raised them... So they will have my rule instilled in them. So it might be wrong. I don't know.

I lack confidence and self esteem. Definitely hate confrontation. I don't want to offend him (even though he's offending me with no give a fucks) .
He's 38...I'm 42.

It's purely a platonic friendship. Nothing in it. I've known him for about 10 years total now. He's recently returned from Canada where he was for the past 3 years. My husband died unexpectedly 18months ago, so he's I suppose trying to be there for me 🤨

Help... Please 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

You are daft to expect him to change!
People treat us the way we allow our selves to be treated.
You need to TELL him.....

I've cooked, you can wash up
How about you bring dessert
Etc

I can't believe he kicked off that like over you suggesting he bring pudding after he'd turned up for a free meal 12 TIMES!!!

The sheer audacity of the man, I hope,you're ok, you sound lovely.

At least by using the oft trotted out term "nice person/guy" you know he's not one and/or has an ulterior motive.

Thank you all for your advice and outside view to this madness.

Id be lying if I said I haven't re-read the texts again. It's baffled me how he said 12 times .... Since my husband died, it's been 4 times...i know this. He must be including the times before he went to Canada as well... Which is a really strange thing to do.🤔
Has he been keeping a tally?

He's still not read my last message... (well, he has, he's just not gone INTO the message to give it the blue ticks🙄)

My big girls have said they think he's extremely rude and shocking Amongst other "not very" nice labels.

They've told me that hes told them..

he was round his friends house the week before last... and their kids were just being typical "trying" teenagers.... He said he actually shouted at the parents (his friends) saying how they were bad parents for teaching their kids this way and that way... Etc

WTAF!!??
My girls, both apparently, from that moment just lost ALL respect. They said they asking him if he was lying cos that's just rude, disrespectful and shocking.... He was just rather smug saying that... It was true... And that he doesn't beat around the bush with what needs to be said. He actually did it in front of their son!!

I CAN HONESTLY SAY...... He... WILL NEVER BE STEPING IN MY HOUSE AGAIN!!!

How can a person be like that!? They had more stories that were equally shocking.

My eyes were opened. I'm sure he was not like this before he left for Canada. It's been a few years now, so my memory is hazy.

It definitely explains why :-

1. he's never found love
2. he's not had a relationship
3. he's hardly got any friends
4. he works solo
5. Has no social life

I've just put it to that he was a bit of a loner... How wrong was I!!??

I just want my husband's tools back (mitre saws, extension ladder, a drill and other things like that)... I will not be leaving them with him, as my husband used these a great deal.
The fact I've got my husband's toothbrush, towel, last clothes worn, coats still hanging.... Well... EVERYTHING where he left them🥺. I'm not parting with anything that was my husbands!

He's not deserving of anything from anyone tbh.
He's got money (way more than I've got) , he can go buy new ones!!

Wow, he's certainly very opinionated, very set in his ways, and socially odd. As I think you mentioned, he may be neurodiverse (clearly) but that doesn't give him a pass to be rude.

If you care for him as a friend you could try sitting him down and explaining all the things he does which are not OK - but he sounds so sure of himself you probably won't get anywhere. Get your stuff back, block and move on!

You really need to cut this awful person out of your life @Newandveryconfused .
Is there someone who can help you get the tools back, so you can move on, never see him again and stop thinking about him? I suspect he'll give you the runaround when you ask for the tools, and play victim.

Wow! That list is hair raising!

I posted earlier thinking he might be socially awkward. He's not, your list makes it clear he's manipulative. I hope you get all your late husband's things back from him.

I really don't think I would of had a better reply tbh. He would of reacted just as shocking but in a way that matched the statement.

Do you honestly think if I said... "because you are a tight arse" he would of agreed and then asked what would I like ..???

He came at me in such a way that was way above the realms of sanity.

It's like when a women's is having a bad day for what ever reason.. Ie... She misses her husband and grief consumes her.. And then someone asks "are you on your period?, you seem in a right mood today."

To ask if I'd woken up stressed etc because I asked him to bring pudding!! ... Oh come on!!
It's just not normal

Tell him to bring takeout for everyone (on his dime).

So I’m a type A personality female. More than a few times I have stepped up for friends when people ( often their relatives) went over the line multiple times in a row. Keep in mind in every case my friends had already expressed frustration over this person doing whatever I was bluntly pointing out. Now that I think about it and I never had to do it for one of their friends… Mainly because that person isn’t a friend. And the relatives were something that were more tricky not to have in the friends house periodically

Here is what I would suggest. Let a friend know what is going on and the next time he invites himself… Tell him well your friend is also going to be there, because you invited her already. So as long as he is fine with that he can join you.

Then call that friend who already is aware they might need to drop things on a moments notice and tell them come on over. And then watch the fun.

They can start walking in with here’s the wine/flowers because you know I never could show up at someone’s house without bringing something… And then look at him and go hey what did you bring? They can use the excuse that they want to make sure they didn’t duplicate whatever he brought for asking.

If he pulls out a phone at the table… They will be probably delighted to pretend surprise… And ask you when did phones get allowed at your dinner table that’s something I always loved about your table? Then look at him directly with what are you doing…

When it comes to clean up they can quickly point out aloud… That people that cook are not the ones to do the cleanup and then literally hand him dishes as they get up and motion him to follow them into the kitchen.

I’m not saying he’s gonna want be best friends with your friend that comes over, but who cares. There are a lot of people that would love to do that for you.

@Newandveryconfused

Did you manage to get your husband's tools back OP? 🌹

Yes I did 🎉🎊🎊... Very easily to. He has apologised and said that he maybe should do some reflecting, as apparently his mother has said before she died, that he needs to tone his way down abit.
He's reached out via message but I've definitely pulled back.. He's also noticed.
If he changes to the point of NOT BEING RUDE, then maybe the friendship can continue... But if not... Then no.

I think if he (and you) wants this friendship to continue you should be perfectly frank with him.

He needs to realise that he was taking the piss and you don't do that to people and maintain their goodwill.

If he can't take this on board he's not worth keeping as any kind of friend. He's only using you.

This. Forget telling him to bring a pudding, he is well overdue in taking his turn to host.