Invite yourself to dinner but come empty handed

[Newandveryconfused]

Aibu.. To think that if YOU ask for an invitation to eat round someone's home... You should at least come with a bottle/pudding/flowers or some sort of thank you... If not.. Then help clean up after?

I've a friend who lives alone and had no children. I'm a single parent to 3 girls. 2 teenagers (18,15) and 1 toddler (2). He likes to come round for the atmosphere and I suppose busyness. The chaos for a better word lol.
But he just comes. With him being a picky eater, he's always asking constantly whats in this and that etc... Its so annoying!! AND will sometimes Google it at the table!! 🤬.. Its just sooooooooo rude!!! (we have a no phones at the table and my eldest kids and myself are saying so... But he carrys on RUDE!! ).

He then finally eats it all... He'll have his plate taken away from him, his pudding served and then that bowl taken from him.
His area cleaned up for him.
Myself and my eldest 2 will clean up/washing up/tidy everything away etc.
He then will ask for a coffee.

Just writing this my blood is boiling!!

Am I just seeing things differently?
I would come with something and damn well help out!! I wouldn't feel comfortable being waited on hand and foot when something so nice had been done for me. Especially at the fact HE ASKED FOR THE INVITE! It would be a curtious thank you I suppose. I would wash up at the very least. Bring pudding... SOMETHING!!

He's hinting to come this weekend but Helllllllllll no!!!

Am I the abnormal one here? 🤔
This has now happened 4 times, So he blatantly can't see he's doing anything wrong. But is he? 🤔

Aibu to expect some thanks?

If not, how could I word this to open his eyes to "dinner etiquette" that's politely put?

My 18 and 15 year old is also shocked by this, but obviously I've raised them... So they will have my rule instilled in them. So it might be wrong. I don't know.

I lack confidence and self esteem. Definitely hate confrontation. I don't want to offend him (even though he's offending me with no give a fucks) .
He's 38...I'm 42.

It's purely a platonic friendship. Nothing in it. I've known him for about 10 years total now. He's recently returned from Canada where he was for the past 3 years. My husband died unexpectedly 18months ago, so he's I suppose trying to be there for me 🤨

Help... Please 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

Absolutely.
@Newandveryconfused Stop waiting on him. You need to tell him this isn’t on. Tell him that he can’t just turn up whenever he wants and expect to be fed. If you’re ok with him coming round and you really don’t mind feeding him, tell him that from now on he has to bring something, help prepare AND help clear up, not sit around while you serve his lordship. You’re allowing yourself to be used - please don’t bring your kids up to think this is normal.

I was expecting that response tbh...
I would NEVER of predicted what happened!! I can't get my head around it.

I keep re reading it all... Thinking I did something wrong. 🤔.. Its just so extreme. Why would he be like that?? I feel like I've lost my mind 🤔I'm just sooooooooo confused

You need to read my 2nd to last entry..... It will blow your mind.... I asked him to bring pudding..... And well.... I'm let you read it.
I'm still shocked tbh!

Ah right. You made a reasonable request and he turned on you.
Yes, the “friendship” (in reality, him using you) is over. I hope you don’t let him worm his way back.

Just don't invite him. If he just turns up without an invite sorry X I didn't cook enough for a guests.

Classic mumsnet
When someone shows you who they are believe it.
**

He’s being a dick but reading your conversation you really confused matters by talking about him reading ingredients. You should have just said “because it’s polite to contribute when someone cooks for you!”.

This is really silly! How can you have a “friend” who you can’t be honest and direct with? What are you teaching your children? That they can’t say “no”? That they can’t expect good treatment?

Bob! Im not running a restaurant and Im not cleaning up after a grown man. I will invite you for dinner when it suits me but its customary not to take advantage of people by coming empty handed and not pitching in with the clean up. Also: house rules are you eat what is put in front of you and no phones at the table.*

ETA: I missed your pudding post! What an absolute pig! That he kept count of the number of meals but thinks you should be grateful for his condescending to eat with you is shocking.

Hes giving classic 'nice guy' vibes. You say it's platonic but I doubt that that is his aim for your relationship. I had a guy move in on me like this after I had left a traumatic relationship. I thought he was a supportive and very helpful friend, he clearly saw me as receptive to being sculpted into his perfect obedient woman. It seems a bit like this guy had that in mind for you.

Hes shown his true colours, doesn't sound like you or your daughters will mind these weird dinners coming to an end. Are there other old friends or relatives of your DH you can reach out to to hear stories? I hope you are all ok.
Time to block him.

He sounds socially awkward at best, and quite a dick at worst.

Can you imagine having the same conversation (with you giving the same responses that he has), to another one of your mates? No, because you're polite and courteous and don't take the piss by turning up empty handed, or not offering to clean up.

Don't say anymore back to him for now. He's the one who wants your hospitality, and I know you see him as a mate, but he really isn't behaving like one. He's been quite rude and deflective with his "are you tired?" comments.

Leave him to it for now, and hopefully he'll reflect and apologise.

That's ridiculous. He's being ridiculous. It's disrespectful to invite himself over in the first place, more so not to bring anything.

I'm sorry to say this when talking to him about your DH is a comfort, but it seems like he's abusing your hospitality, plain and simple.

I said about the ingredients because he was googling about the cheesecake at the table. As I put it in from of him.
It was homemade and I was telling him the ingredients, but he was ignoring me and continuing to try and find the particular cheesecake at hand.
He didn't realise there were so many ways a cheesecake can be made. It was incredibly rude tbh! But, I didn't point it out.. I kept calm... Ate mine and then took his away... But then he stopped me and said "if I don't eat it here I'll take it home with me".

How could I honestly NOT say about that being the reason?

Honestly, this isn't on you. Leave him, if he's a good friend with genuine intentions (other than just a meal ticket), he might reflect and apologise. If he doesn't, then fuck it. He sounds like hard work as a guest, and friends shouldn't be this hard and prickly!

Because surely the main reason for you asking him to bring pudding is because he doesn’t currently contribute? By not saying that and just mentioning the ingredients thing you have made his weird food searching behaviour the reason and not his tightness.

Well, as the classic Mumsnet saying goes, "Sometimes the rubbish takes itself out."

Chalk this one up to experience, OP, and move on (I bet your daughters are bloody relieved that they'll no longer have to share a table with this CF).

I've spoken to my eldest 2 daughters about him....
They find him to be incredibly rude and shocking.
It's a no brainer.... He's gone!

On that note....
He's got a few belongings of my husband's that he's borrowed for work...
I'm gonna give it a few days... Then some how work on a response on getting them back and calling it a day on our friendship. (would be grateful for ideas in the mean time though, if anymore can help please? 🙏🏾)

Gonna have an open chat with my big girls now.

Xxx

Your friend’s reaction to you asking him to bring pudding is bizarre! Don’t keep going over it, if you can help it. You’ve finally called him out on his behaviour, which can’t have been easy. The fact that he doesn’t understand how inconsiderate he behaves as a dinner guest, suggests you’d be better off without him. He mentions coming to dinner 12 times and yet doesn’t see that this means, you’ve had him over and given him dinner 12 times. He’s not doing you a favour!

Fill your life with people that don’t make you feel used. If you do decide to keep him in your life, hold out for a proper apology and set clear rules about expected behaviour.

He reacted that way because you’d put a boundary in to his freeloading.

no wonder he’s made for life, tight as a gnats arse

He asked whys that because he knows he has been taking the piss out of a vulnerable widow.
He thinks he is entitled to your hospitality and turned nasty when you had the audacity to question him.

He is not a nice man at all and has been using you.

Hopefully he will at least bring back the things of your husband, make sure you don't let him off the hook with those things.

His reply has more red flags than all of mums net useless men rolled into one !
Just wow ! He's trying to get his way into your life as your vulnerable . He will have your life turned upside down and you won’t know who you are in the matter of weeks .

Keep him as far away from you as possible . He is not a nice person .
12 times , 12 times and counting but has an issue with a pudding ?

You did nothing wrong he is just the type to make you think you have .
Please listen to advice on here. It may seems extreme but that’s how men like him start the process .
when asking for your dh stuff back do so by txt /email . So that if he fails to return you can tell him your taking him to small courts .

Good luck gets your stuff back ASAP and block .

Also you shouldn’t be confused everyone here is telling you what he’s like , and he is also telling you what he is like .

I wouldn’t say he trying to be there for you, he’s trying to see how he fits in.

Tell him what you want him to bring, as these aren’t formal dinner eg it’s pizza night tonight here is the list.

Yep. Plus he actually counted^^ how many times he ate in your home with your family? The entitlement certainly isn't being hidden is it? 🌹

Stop feeding him. He doesn't deserve it.

are you sure the husband stories are real even, or is he yarning for his supper