Invite yourself to dinner but come empty handed

[Newandveryconfused]

Aibu.. To think that if YOU ask for an invitation to eat round someone's home... You should at least come with a bottle/pudding/flowers or some sort of thank you... If not.. Then help clean up after?

I've a friend who lives alone and had no children. I'm a single parent to 3 girls. 2 teenagers (18,15) and 1 toddler (2). He likes to come round for the atmosphere and I suppose busyness. The chaos for a better word lol.
But he just comes. With him being a picky eater, he's always asking constantly whats in this and that etc... Its so annoying!! AND will sometimes Google it at the table!! 🤬.. Its just sooooooooo rude!!! (we have a no phones at the table and my eldest kids and myself are saying so... But he carrys on RUDE!! ).

He then finally eats it all... He'll have his plate taken away from him, his pudding served and then that bowl taken from him.
His area cleaned up for him.
Myself and my eldest 2 will clean up/washing up/tidy everything away etc.
He then will ask for a coffee.

Just writing this my blood is boiling!!

Am I just seeing things differently?
I would come with something and damn well help out!! I wouldn't feel comfortable being waited on hand and foot when something so nice had been done for me. Especially at the fact HE ASKED FOR THE INVITE! It would be a curtious thank you I suppose. I would wash up at the very least. Bring pudding... SOMETHING!!

He's hinting to come this weekend but Helllllllllll no!!!

Am I the abnormal one here? 🤔
This has now happened 4 times, So he blatantly can't see he's doing anything wrong. But is he? 🤔

Aibu to expect some thanks?

If not, how could I word this to open his eyes to "dinner etiquette" that's politely put?

My 18 and 15 year old is also shocked by this, but obviously I've raised them... So they will have my rule instilled in them. So it might be wrong. I don't know.

I lack confidence and self esteem. Definitely hate confrontation. I don't want to offend him (even though he's offending me with no give a fucks) .
He's 38...I'm 42.

It's purely a platonic friendship. Nothing in it. I've known him for about 10 years total now. He's recently returned from Canada where he was for the past 3 years. My husband died unexpectedly 18months ago, so he's I suppose trying to be there for me 🤨

Help... Please 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

I do agree with this.
When the 2nd, 3rd etc times have happened... I open the door and then see empty hands... Then think.. Maybe he'll help clean.... This time...
I never learn. I just hope to much I suppose.

@Newandveryconfused

Grow some confidence and tell him in a friendly but direct manner that your bringing your kids up to see everyone is equal so he can rock up with things and help to tidy after or he's not invited again.

He was really caring in the beginning and supportive mentally when my husband died. His only parent.. His mother died when his was 24..and had to deal with everything himself. I think he's trying to help in his way...
He's done work for me to my home. (needed my guttering fixed as it was bowing and leaking down my walls) . But i paid for it though.

I think I need to reevaluate what this friendship is.
I enjoy our chats about my husband. He has many memories with him that I'm only learning about now. It's very comforting.
I think it's that that I'm holding onto. Anyone/anything that is linked to my husband. I can't begin to tell you how hard it is trying to cope without him.
Being strong for our girls is just exhausting.

But I can't be taken advantage of at the same time.

Bring wine, cheese... Dessert (the best choice of them all)... Has to be the easiest way forward.
Xx

I just wouldn’t invite him round for dinner anymore.

I would find too much of an issue with him not bringing anything, as it depends on how you were raised/your culture.

I also understand him not offering to wash up if your kids are there, as he may feel like he’s over stepping the mark.

But this is causing you stress, so just don’t let him come over for food.

I wouldn’t judge his friendship based on these things.
Especially if he’s a good support to you in every other way.

Just be straight. If your coming for dinner please bring dessert to wine flowers whatever you want. If he still doesn't take the hint start withdrawing. You have your kids to think about. He is taking advantage.

You could turn around and say, isn't it time we came to you?

Sorry we have plans this week.

I haven't the time to sort pudding, would you mind bringing something?

Please remember we have a no phones at the table rule, that includes using Google.

Or a simple sorry but whilst the company is nice, it's a lot of work, having to plan a meal around the things you eat, make it and do all the cleaning up whilst looking after a toddler, would you mind giving it a miss.

I'm sorry for your loss

Him: "Can I come to lunch next Sunday?"

You: "It would be lovely to see you. Please could you bring some wine and some pudding for all of us with you"

Do you enjoy his company at all? If not then stop having him over. If you do, you need to tell him what to bring and tell him to leave his phone at the door. Some folks don't get hints.

Is he neurodiverse?

I had a similar friend. The only person who turned up at group dinners which were usually at my house as I had the best dining set up. It drove me mad.

I talked it over with a community paediatrician friend who recommended that I was either going to have to cut him loose or be honest.

He then never failed to turn up without wine, flowers and chocolate!

I'd told him that most people bring wine to drink and then a hostess gift e.g flowers/ chocolate and he decided that he had better be safe. I met his Mum about a year later and she marvelled at the fact he now did the same when going to her house of dinner too. Which was nice but a bit irritating as I didn't understand why his family hadn't reinforced this basic social lesson themselves.

@Newandveryconfused if he is neurodiverse then I think you will have to be more direct than "are you bringing pudding?". I'd be very specific. "We'd be happy to see you for dinner but could you please bring pudding - something like a lemon tart or apple crumble from the supermarket would be fine. Don't forget the cream/ custard".

Agree with pp, just say ‘can you please bring a dessert’. Simple. It’s unfortunate but some people, usually men - just don’t think of these things.

I totally get your feeling . On the one hand you value his support and friendship especially having the bond with your husband. On the other hand it is such bad etiquette to come over to your place by self invite , not have the courtesy to show appreciation with a small token , sit there while you all clean up after him , and top it off with no phone etiquette at your table . Hmmmm . Don’t let him use you.
If you feel uncomfortable to bring this up with him, just make excuses from now on .

I personally would be more bothered by being treated live a skivvy than not having a contribution. Bringing a bottle of wine is easy - you just throw money at it. To me, if you tell someone to do that (rather than them choosing to make the gesture) then it’s not much different to dropping a tenner on the table afterwards - like you’re a restaurant!

If I wanted to see him, I’d say, “sure it’d be great to see you - but you’ll be on cleaning up duty this time, part of the family.”

And I’d certainly tell him, “we have a no phones at the table” rule.

Just playing devil's advocate here. Do you think he's worried that if he steps up and chips in, it might come across to you that he's trying to go to more than platonic friends. Do you think that's his way of trying to respect your boundaries. I mean, he could be old fashioned, maybe he thinks that if he shows up with a dessert or wine and offers to clean up/help etc, it might come across as a play to take your husband's place.

The phone thing is annoying though.

I think you should just be straight with him and see how he responds 'friend, would you mind helping with the washing up', 'could you take a turn to do dinner' etc.

This

You're teaching your daughters to skivvy for a man.

either invite him, ask him to bring a course, and tell him he's on washing up duty, or don't invite him at all.

I'm wary of men who target vulnerable single mothers of girls so I didn't get further than that I'm afraid.

Why don't you say something like yes it would be nice to see you, but come round after we've eaten because I can't stand it when you pull apart my food! Bring a bottle of red will you?

Does he want to shag you?

Can you not invite him for something that doesn't involve you cooking food? Say something like " sorry I'm not doing food I've been cooking all week and feel like a restaurant. Come over and watch a film/ come with us for a walk.?" You could always add "or bring a take away" !

I’d ask him what he’s going to cook for you all never time!

love this suggestion. Op be direct with this man, please teach your daughters assertive behaviour, it's a very important life lesson.

@Newandveryconfused sounds like you need to treat him like one of your children:

your turn to being kidding for everyone CF.. (if he turns up without - don’t give him any.).

your turn to wash up CF…

ohhh don’t forget no phones at the dinner table CF - pop it in the phone box with the others - there’s a good boy.

if you keep picking/complaining CF it will be you cooking next time…

I wouldn't have him back, he has atrocious manners ( well none really ) and I wouldn't want him around my teenage daughters either.

Just say no.

I have not rtft, so maybe somebody has already said it, but I would tell him x number of meals makes him a family number, not a guest. Then just give him jobs.

I am so sorry for your loss xxx

keep it breezy and casual, ‘oh I haven’t got time for pudding, please could you pick something up, oh and a couple of bottles of wine too’.