Moving 35 mins from parents - bombarded with texts about taking my son from them

[housemoveproblems]

I wrote a thread previously about wanting to move away from my parents after stupidly moving closer to them out of guilt.

Thread here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4917078-desperately-want-to-move-but-parents-say-im-failing-son?postsby=housemoveproblems

We have taken the plunge and are moving to a much bigger house with an amazing garden for my little boy - all he ever wants to do is run around! And I need to set boundaries and have some space because it’s affecting our mental health & it’s been so toxic with them the past year.

We move next week and told them a week ago, I didn’t want to up and leave because I felt it would make the situation worse.

I received a message from my mum saying moving is not fair on my DC and that it’s me being selfish. She said if I move then she is done with me for good. I am so tired of it that I simply said ok and haven’t contacted her since.

I’m now receiving text messages from my step dad saying they want to see DC but if we are 30 minutes away it’s ‘impossible’ to have a relationship with him and if we move that’s on us and we need to make a decision as to whether we are ‘going to do that to them’.

I was feeling so at peace having not contacted them and now I’m just anxious and feeling guilty again.

I’ve blocked them on everything now but I’m now worrying that moving away is wrong and that I should just stick it out. But I want to protect our family.

Any advice?

35 minutes is on the doorstep. Just dump your parents and cut them out of your life for good.

You should have said you were moving four hours away. Then when they starting guilt tripping you should have said OK, it will just be 35 minutes then.

Do you do a lot of errands for your parents. Is it more about that?

I don't think 35 minutes away is far enough to be honest.

Even on MN 35 minutes isn't far away, it takes me almost that long to get to a decent size Tesco!

Or the threat of solicitors and courts. Which will be bollocks. Or SS, which will just be time wasting.

Be ready and stand firm OP.

It's that far to the nearest Sainsbury's for me. I seem to have a kind of Sainbury's exclusion zone around my house, within which only Lidl, Aldi, and Asda can thrive.

Of course YANBU, your new home sounds like a great option for your family.

With everything else you’ve mentioned, verbal abuse, threatening to take your DS away, etc,. your Mum doesn’t sound mentally well- does she have a history of mental illness? It’s quite concerning, tbh.

Block their mobile numbers and they won't be able to contact you and make you anxious. You can unblock if/when you feel ready to

so why are you worried about moving?

i dont even think 35 minute is far enought away

and i wouldnt let your child be alone with them if things were that bad for you!

Your parents are batshit INSANE!! Horrible twats.

I live in a foreign country far from the UK and my whole family call to speak to my children often, send gifts etc and my Mum has been out to us multiple times since we moved!! My children adore my Mum and very much know who Grandma is! My in-laws are 20 hours away and my children also know who they all are and speak to them often on the phone etc.

Distance does not make or break a relationship, but being emotional toxic like they are does!

Enjoy your lovely new home!! You don’t need these shit heads ruining it for you. Are they seriously so lazy 30 mins in a car is too much? Most people drive that and more to work FFS!

Oh for Christ's sake. Tell them to stop being so utterly ridiculous. I live further that that from my counsellor and I see him twice a week! While working full time. 35 minutes is nothing, they need to get a grip. Some people drive that twice a day to work.

Read your updates, don’t give your new address and CUT THEM OFF. Protect your son please OP! Making false allegations?! Threatening you?! They are dangerous! NEVER leave your child alone with them. This has really upset me just reading it and I feel really afraid for you. I’d contact the police myself to let them know if the threats and safeguard yourselves.

Wow I was 40 mini from my DM and I saw her twice a week

Stay strong. You are doing the right thing.
35 minutes is nothing, they are trying to control you.

I went no contact with my parents after my son was born - one of the best decisions I ever made!

@housemoveproblems My father is emotionally abusive and my mother is a total enabler/passive parent - despite this up until I went no contact you would have considered me very close with my parents I.e. living down the road from them, seeing them once or twice a week etc.

but after my son was born I had crazy PP OCD and anxiety and it was only when he was a bout a year old and I was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown that I started therapy.

In therapy I discovered all my OCD and anxiety was a result of the abuse I had suffered growing up and was totally linked to my parents and how disregulated they made me whenever I was around them. But even knowing all this, I still felt a tremendous amount of guilt around the idea of going no contact and honestly just could not imagine a reality where this would actually happen.

It was after months and months of therapy and slowly distancing myself from them bit by bit and then finally amputating them from my life completely by moving an hour away, that I was able to truly see them for who they are and go no contact without the guilt. I blocked them on everything! And Moving away meant they had no way of harassing me anymore.

I cannot tell you the difference this has made to my mental health, my parenting and my relationship with my husband and a year after going NC I am happier than ever, expecting my second baby.

All this to say that the guilt has been programmed into you from their years of emotional abuse, as an outsider I am telling you that these people sound awful and you have nothing to feel guilty about. If you can try and get into proper therapy as this will help you detach yourself from them in a healthy way.

I also really recommend the book ‘Adult children of emotional immature parents’ I found it completely eye opening and it really helped me stop blaming myself for their feelings/behaviour.

Just remember it is not your responsibility to manage the emotions of fully grown adults! You cannot spend your life sweeping up the emotional trail of destruction someone leaves behind when they make no effort to change any of their behaviour.

Stop the guilt right now! I live 7 hrs away plane journey from my parents. I travel to work either 35 mins or 2 hrs. I think you live rather close to them. Just ignore them and focus on your close family and they will align in time.

My mother in law lives 35min drive and has our son weekly and sometimes more if needed. He has an amazing relationship with her!

OP, you are showing here, in your response, that you know the behaviour you are dealing with and you know how to deal with them.

The fact that the people making your lives much harder instead of easier are your mother and stepfather, people who should provide you with love, understanding and support, is an absolute disgrace. Please do not hesitate to sever your life from theirs, because they have shown you they do not deserve your kindness or compassion. instead put tough boundaries against them. You need to protect yourself and your children against people like these.

Remember the very positive feelings you had about the new home and garden where your son and don't let anyone at all ruin that for you. 🌹

Given what you’ve said about them, if I were you I wouldn’t be allowing them access to my child at all.

They will treat your son like this one day also…get him away from this toxic behaviour. Let them know they cannot control you. I’m so sorry your own mother has treated you like this - but just put your energy into being the best parent to your children and creating a loving environment for your family.

Blimey, I think I'd be emigrating.

Good luck in your new home. Don't give them the address.

What arseholes, I would love it if my parents were only 35 minutes away. I haven’t read your other thread but from the sounds of it 35 hours away would be far enough, go NC for your own sake.

You aren't doing anything to them. You are doing what is best for you and your family. They are trying to manipulate and guilt trip you. In all fairness, they are only doing what has worked for them before. They are abusive and toxic. You need to go low / no contact for your own mental health.

That's ridiculous. My 2 DGS's live 145 miles away which takes almost 2 hours. I go to visit them twice a year and they come to me twice a year. We facetime and I send them postcards if I go anywhere. I post them small gifts like stickers. They are mad about stickers. At Xmas they will come to me in early December for a weekend and I'll fit loads into the weekend. They will come Friday Evening and I'll take them to visit Santa, they will help me decorate cookies and cupcakes and take them home with them, we'll spray fir cones and put ribbon on them so they can hang them on their Xmas tree. We'll paint a pot (Xmas star this year) on the Saturday in pottery and it will get fired and I'll collect them and take to them next time I visit. They'll have hot chocolate and I'll thread popcorn with them. They will take it home to go on their tree. We will walk my dogs and look at the local Xmas lights. On Sunday we'll share a Xmas dinner with all the trimmings and will open their Xmas sack from me and DH before they go home. To suggest you can't have a relationship with a child 35 mins away is ludicrous.

A previous poster has advised "A PO Box for a year is under £400 and allows you to give family an address for parcels, Xmas cards, etc that people can't just turn up to."
I would caution against this. Any PO Box must be registered to a UK street address, and the Post Office will not necessarily keep this address secret! Your abusive relatives sound unhinged enough to try to track you down once they realise that you're not planning to maintain contact with them.

Safer to pay for your mail to be forwarded from your old address for at least the next 12 months (which you may then be able to extend). This would also be far cheaper - eg £87 for two of you. More info at https://www.postoffice.co.uk/mail/redirection#redirectindividuals

There are also services like 'UK Postbox' which offer mail forwarding services - can log in online to tell them where you want incoming items to be sent - and instead of paying £360/year, you just pay a small fee for each forwarded item.

Good luck with your fresh start!

This isnt normal. They are being crazy and controlling, I'll bet you would never dream of treating your own child that way when they're adults.

Keep them blocked on everything for now and get the move over and done with.

You can unblock them for a trial perod once you've settled in.

Also, unless Step Dad brought you up and is like a father to you, tell him to butt out.