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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want to move to countryside but DH not sure

219 replies

MaybeRural · 20/10/2023 13:34

I'm fed up of city life and want to move to somewhere more rural, not to a really remote location but definitely to a place where I am not woken by car doors slamming, neighbour's children screaming from all sides, excessive traffic noise etc. DH is a city boy through and through and thinks we'll hate country living. I've been studying the online property websites and have found three houses to look at this weekend. He says he might be 'too busy' to come with me. So AIBU if I go and look by myself and try to persuade DH to at least consider moving? There's nothing keeping us here really because we both WFH and can work anywhere and have no dependent children or family nearby. Has anyone else moved to the countryside during Covid or any other time and did you love it or hate it? Obviously, I'd like some 'good news' stories to tell DH but perhaps I need the realistic ones to stop myself going off on a romantic quest for something that won't actually make me happier?

OP posts:
Original poster
MaybeRural · 20/10/2023 14:32

Devilsmommy · 20/10/2023 14:30

Where I live is classed as semi rural so all the good bits of countryside but close enough to city that I can do what I want without worrying about distance or weather etc. Would that maybe be a compromise your husband would go for?

Yes, I think that would definitely suit him (and probably me) better than finding a really isolated hamlet. The ones I'm going to view look reasonably near to civilisation but very much not in a town or city.

OP posts:
Parakeetamol · 20/10/2023 14:33

Consider broadband speeds incredibly carefully if you wfh. I have colleagues who live rurally and they cant video call at all and most drop out of voice calls.

Original poster
MaybeRural · 20/10/2023 14:36

InTheRainOnATrain · 20/10/2023 14:20

I think you’re being selfish. Not just because you’re not listening to your DH who has been very clear that this is not something he wants to do but also by wasting people’s time by booking viewings of houses you’re definitely not going to buy. If you want to explore country living go book a nice village pub for lunch and plan a walk. If you want to try to persuade DH that’s probably a better non pushy way to go about it too.

I'm pleased by the level of concern exhibited for my DH but I never signed up to 'listen' to him I have to admit. I listen to him as much as he listens to me but neither of us control the other because we both like our freedom. I have definitely sacrificed more for him than he has for me and he'd be the first to admit it. I'm middle aged now and I don't want to regret not trying rural living at least once.

We've moved twenty or so times during our marriage so far and it's involved other countries and many UK towns and cities. It's really not such a big deal to me that we move again and I'd be surprised if it was too traumatic for DH either given that he's lived and worked in numerous overseas locations for months at a time when I wasn't able to go with him. Are people really so parochial that they stay in place these days? I never thought we were particularly adventurous but maybe we are?

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 20/10/2023 14:40

Are you rich enough to rent a cottage somewhere for a few weeks/ months and try weekends? We bought a weekend cottage in the Cotswolds while working in London and living in Central London during the week. We thought we would see how we liked it , always sell it again if we didn’t. I thought I was as urban as they come, brought up in London. DH ‘ city boy’ as well.

We moved out of London permanently ten years later, lived in a variety of Cotswold villages although always with access to the mainline link. Now we have moved to be nearer Oxford and Abingdon for better shopping and medical access.

DH might be surprised.

Original poster
MaybeRural · 20/10/2023 14:43

Dontcallmescarface · 20/10/2023 14:21

I need the realistic ones to stop myself going off on a romantic quest for something that won't actually make me happier?

I live in a village and off the top off my head over the last few weeks we have had
Cars racing up and down in the evenings on the only main road
An all night rave going on about 2 miles away
A couple arguing outside our bedroom window at 3.30 on a Tuesday morning
Farm dogs barking non-stop at all hours of the day and night
Car alarms going off
Vandalism

Living in a village isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Eek! Another honest evaluation that makes me wonder if I should be wary? I have all those things already, well not actually the cars racing up the road because the traffic lights don't let you get up much speed 🤔

OP posts:
Turfwars · 20/10/2023 14:43

We moved to a very rural setting after living in a small city most of our adult lives. The difference is though that we were both originally from rural backgrounds and we knew what we were getting into.

While we love it and it was the best idea for us, it may not work for everyone. We can't ring up a takeaway, the wifi is shit, the roads around our way don't get gritted in winter but on the whole, we love the other advantages that living in the countryside gives us and probably the lack of takeaways coming to the door is maybe a good thing for our waistlines.

Why not try it for a year. Rent somewhere and sublet your own place if you can.

It's very hard to for some city folk to embrace country life. My DM moved to the countryside for my dad and he loved it. I think she's always just tolerated it and she wants to move into town now. She lives in one of the most scenic spots in our county and keeps her blinds closed at all times. She's just got no interest in country life, wild life, scenic views or the tranquillity rural settings can give. To her it's dark, isolating and there's nothing for her. So you may never convert the city kid in your husband or alternatively he might throw himself full on into country living but you won't know until you try.

PinkRoses1245 · 20/10/2023 14:43

You know there's noise in the countryside to? not a good idea to force him into it, if you want to keep your marriage. Can you look at a good sized town with surrounding countryside instead? that's what has worked for us. We really like being able to walk to shops, pubs, restaurants, and get train to nearby city and London.

PinkRoses1245 · 20/10/2023 14:44

if you can financially, I'd look at renting for a year or so to really decide what you both want.

Original poster
MaybeRural · 20/10/2023 14:45

Parakeetamol · 20/10/2023 14:33

Consider broadband speeds incredibly carefully if you wfh. I have colleagues who live rurally and they cant video call at all and most drop out of voice calls.

That would definitely be a problem for both of us. I am skiving at the moment because my boss has just rescheduled the meeting I was supposed to be in, but I need internet access and it must be reliable too 😯I thought the government were supposed to be rolling out broadband across the whole country? Doesn't surprise me if they were lying though!!!!

OP posts:
EmmaStone · 20/10/2023 14:47

Have you ever lived rurally? DH and I grew up in villages, so knew what to expect. Where we live now is very rural, but only 10-15 miles from a few cities (we both work in one of the cities, and our children went to school in one as well). I think it's important to think carefully about what you like and dislike most about city life and same about country life. I loved my time in London, and adore going back (which I do very regularly, for work, to see friends and as a tourist), but I was completely done with the battle of life there. With rural living, I think it's super important to become involved in the community - whether it be running some kind of activity or charitable endeavour or similar. There's much more importance on making something happen if it's what you want.

Original poster
MaybeRural · 20/10/2023 14:48

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 20/10/2023 14:40

Are you rich enough to rent a cottage somewhere for a few weeks/ months and try weekends? We bought a weekend cottage in the Cotswolds while working in London and living in Central London during the week. We thought we would see how we liked it , always sell it again if we didn’t. I thought I was as urban as they come, brought up in London. DH ‘ city boy’ as well.

We moved out of London permanently ten years later, lived in a variety of Cotswold villages although always with access to the mainline link. Now we have moved to be nearer Oxford and Abingdon for better shopping and medical access.

DH might be surprised.

We're not rich, no, but renting for six months would be do-able. That's the plan I am going to try to sell DH. He's not got that much to lose, apart from six months rent!

OP posts:
Turfwars · 20/10/2023 14:49

The countryside can be noisy too.

A few weeks ago we had two bulls keeping us up all night as they were yelling at each other from different fields presumably to tell the other to not even think about having notions about his girls. Grin

Pheasants and foxes can scare the shit out of you with their yelling and lambs and sheep getting separated cry all night long sometimes.

But then you see frogs, bats, lizards & newts, swans, squirrels, pheasant, foxes, pine martins, badgers,birds and butterflies. You can see the stars properly and sip a beer watching a stunning sunset. And then it doesn't matter that Dominos won't deliver that far away or that Fortnite is lagging. Well, mostly!

senua · 20/10/2023 14:49

I second the market town idea - rural but not too rural, best of both worlds.

If you want to convince your DH to move to the country, I'm not sure that dragging him out in the middle of Storm Babet is a good strategy. Choose better weather, maybe leave it until Spring!

Original poster
MaybeRural · 20/10/2023 14:51

PinkRoses1245 · 20/10/2023 14:43

You know there's noise in the countryside to? not a good idea to force him into it, if you want to keep your marriage. Can you look at a good sized town with surrounding countryside instead? that's what has worked for us. We really like being able to walk to shops, pubs, restaurants, and get train to nearby city and London.

I'm happy to listen to tractors, grain dryers, buzzards, sheep etc Not so keen on drunks stumbling home, couples arguing and constant traffic noise which is what we have at present. Don't be too worried that my marriage will break up. If DH really can't stand the countryside I will come back to town and, who knows, I may be begging to leave after the first week if it's not all I thought it would be 😮

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 20/10/2023 14:51

Market town dweller here, used to live in London. Bloody perfect compromise. (Oxfordshire)

jeaux90 · 20/10/2023 14:52

Oh and I have full fibre to my home

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 20/10/2023 14:55

There are a lot of options in between properly rural! I went from city living (which I really fell out of love with) to Oxforfshire village (only 20 mins drive from Oxford) to a village in a more rural area at the other end of the country and have been glad of all those choices. However, dh was as keen as I was.

I don't know if we will ever move areas again, but one choice we never tried was small-medium market town. Maybe that would suit better than a village?

Turfwars · 20/10/2023 14:55

Ooh yes. Wait until spring to try to convince him to move. Doing it in winter will be a disaster.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 20/10/2023 14:55

Cross-posted! I miss Oxford.

SecondUsername4me · 20/10/2023 14:56

Why are you being so patronising towards your dh? "He just can't see it yet"

Fuck off.

You want to live in the countryside? Then go! But why should he be forced to come along too against his will?

Universalsnail · 20/10/2023 14:57

Tbh. Don't make him move to the countryside. I moved to the countryside for my DH. I hate it and me wanting to move back to the city as come up a few times because tbh I have wanted to move back to the city for years.

Photographsandmemories · 20/10/2023 15:01

I hate town life here. No good having ballet and opera and so on if the tickets are too expensive to take your family. We are looking at moving away. A field with a shed would be great. And some sheep to frighten the dog.

Original poster
MaybeRural · 20/10/2023 15:04

EmmaStone · 20/10/2023 14:47

Have you ever lived rurally? DH and I grew up in villages, so knew what to expect. Where we live now is very rural, but only 10-15 miles from a few cities (we both work in one of the cities, and our children went to school in one as well). I think it's important to think carefully about what you like and dislike most about city life and same about country life. I loved my time in London, and adore going back (which I do very regularly, for work, to see friends and as a tourist), but I was completely done with the battle of life there. With rural living, I think it's super important to become involved in the community - whether it be running some kind of activity or charitable endeavour or similar. There's much more importance on making something happen if it's what you want.

Full disclosure - I am country born and bred but left to live in a town when I was a teenager. DH city born and bred and thinks the countryside is for 'posh people', or at least that's what he's telling me. I have promised not to look at the Cotswold chocolate box type properties and have lined up a cottage, small holding and more modern sort of house to view. I'm sure he'll come with me, even if he grumbles, because he'll be too curious to stay at home wondering what I'm up to.

OP posts:
Dontcallmescarface · 20/10/2023 15:04

I'm happy to listen to tractors

That's what a lot of people who don't live rurally say......until haymaking/harvest time when the tractors are still going well into the night, then it's a different story. 😂

Lizzieregina · 20/10/2023 15:06

I grew up in a big city and moved to a rural location as a teenager. I loved it! However, for life opportunities, I moved again to an even bigger city (another country) in my 20s and if I won the lottery tomorrow, I’d be winging my way back to my rural countryside.

I think country life isn’t for everyone, but nothing makes me happier than the quiet surroundings and chatting to the cows and horses along the country lanes!

In your case, I’d try and see if the DH would be amenable to trying it out for a few months.