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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want to move to countryside but DH not sure

219 replies

MaybeRural · 20/10/2023 13:34

I'm fed up of city life and want to move to somewhere more rural, not to a really remote location but definitely to a place where I am not woken by car doors slamming, neighbour's children screaming from all sides, excessive traffic noise etc. DH is a city boy through and through and thinks we'll hate country living. I've been studying the online property websites and have found three houses to look at this weekend. He says he might be 'too busy' to come with me. So AIBU if I go and look by myself and try to persuade DH to at least consider moving? There's nothing keeping us here really because we both WFH and can work anywhere and have no dependent children or family nearby. Has anyone else moved to the countryside during Covid or any other time and did you love it or hate it? Obviously, I'd like some 'good news' stories to tell DH but perhaps I need the realistic ones to stop myself going off on a romantic quest for something that won't actually make me happier?

OP posts:
BHRK · 20/10/2023 14:14

You’re not “exploring options” though are you? You are actively looking at houses in places you want to move to.
Even though your husband doesn’t want to.
if you’re happy to force him and possibly see the marriage end, then carry on. But I’d be upset if I was your DH. Moving for somebody’s work - when you need their income - is different. That’s a financial decision as much as anything whereas this isn’t

Fluffyowls · 20/10/2023 14:15

I grew up in the countryside and it was isolating. No public transport, everything was too far to walk to, poor signal and Internet so if someone planned something I usually found out afterwards. I don't like cows, sheep or horses do countryside walks were unpleasant. There was nowhere to go and make small talk with strangers like bus stops/shops. I moved to a city at 18 and would never go back.

MintJulia · 20/10/2023 14:16

I've moved (back) somewhere rural and there are pros and cons.

Pros
Less traffic
Fewer neighbours
More space
Garden, parking etc
Cleaner air/environment etc

Cons
Less convenient for shops, takeaways, hosps etc
Fewer services generally taxis, buses, cinema, theatre
A smaller choice of potential friends
It isn't quiet - cockerals, foxes, deer, owls etc 🙂

I love it because my hobbies are sports/running/environmental and I have immediate access to fields, woods and lanes. We're pretty self sufficient in terms of social life, I have a couple of close friends locally. Also you have to cope with the whole village being interested in you and wanting you to join in with things.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 20/10/2023 14:16

Would he consider a compromise?

I live in a mid-sized market town. We're about 20 minutes drive from a national park and about the same to our nearest city. We can easily walk to a country pub or a town wine bar. There's a bus service direct to two cities and a train service with just one change to London.

I can get to work in a large city nearby in about an hour door to door by car, direct train or two buses.

We have views of fields and can go on a country walk without getting in the car, we do have neighbours though. My horse is a ten minute drive away, I can't drive or cycle it due to a massive steep hill and narrow roads but there is a livery yard within walking distance.

TheMamaYo · 20/10/2023 14:16

We are semi- rural. Love love it. Tiny village, surrounded by fields. Big towns are not far away, so more than enough entertainment should we want it. The only ‘problem’ being that we need to drive ourselves, or use a taxi. The public transport system doesn’t quite reach to our corner. We don’t mind that though.

HakunaMatiłda · 20/10/2023 14:17

MaybeRural · 20/10/2023 14:06

Only one really positive story so far. Perhaps I am BU and I should cancel the viewings? Or forge ahead and divorce DH if he digs in his heels? Stark choices!

Yes you should cancel the viewings if your DH isn’t on board.

Original poster
MaybeRural · 20/10/2023 14:17

BHRK · 20/10/2023 14:14

You’re not “exploring options” though are you? You are actively looking at houses in places you want to move to.
Even though your husband doesn’t want to.
if you’re happy to force him and possibly see the marriage end, then carry on. But I’d be upset if I was your DH. Moving for somebody’s work - when you need their income - is different. That’s a financial decision as much as anything whereas this isn’t

He's a big boy. He'll cope. I've sacrificed a hell of a lot for him and he'd be the first to admit it. If he wants a divorce because of this so be it. Pretty sure it won't come to that though. He just needs time to think about it and we can always rent first before committing ourselves.

OP posts:
Meniscus · 20/10/2023 14:18

There’s countryside and countryside, though. I grew up rurally very happily (not UK), moved to the UK for university and spent 20 years living in Oxford and London, then moved to a midlands village. Which was awful — the pretty countryside and walking didn’t make up for the insularity and homogeneity of the people who lived there. It was nothing like the rural area I grew up in.

Original poster
MaybeRural · 20/10/2023 14:19

Fluffyowls · 20/10/2023 14:15

I grew up in the countryside and it was isolating. No public transport, everything was too far to walk to, poor signal and Internet so if someone planned something I usually found out afterwards. I don't like cows, sheep or horses do countryside walks were unpleasant. There was nowhere to go and make small talk with strangers like bus stops/shops. I moved to a city at 18 and would never go back.

I get the 'isolating' bit but I love horses (obviously) and sheep and cows are pretty good too in my book. I'm definitely checking the quality of the internet signal at all the houses I'm going to view. I think things have improved in many rural areas now, or at least according to the estate agents. Do I trust them though?!!

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/10/2023 14:19

Isn’t this what the suburbs are for?

YourNameGoesHere · 20/10/2023 14:20

MaybeRural · 20/10/2023 14:17

He's a big boy. He'll cope. I've sacrificed a hell of a lot for him and he'd be the first to admit it. If he wants a divorce because of this so be it. Pretty sure it won't come to that though. He just needs time to think about it and we can always rent first before committing ourselves.

Show quote history

You're coming across as quite controlling here. So what if you've sacrificed a lot for him that doesn't mean you just get to make such a huge life changing decision and he either agrees or you get divorced.

InTheRainOnATrain · 20/10/2023 14:20

I think you’re being selfish. Not just because you’re not listening to your DH who has been very clear that this is not something he wants to do but also by wasting people’s time by booking viewings of houses you’re definitely not going to buy. If you want to explore country living go book a nice village pub for lunch and plan a walk. If you want to try to persuade DH that’s probably a better non pushy way to go about it too.

Dontcallmescarface · 20/10/2023 14:21

I need the realistic ones to stop myself going off on a romantic quest for something that won't actually make me happier?

I live in a village and off the top off my head over the last few weeks we have had
Cars racing up and down in the evenings on the only main road
An all night rave going on about 2 miles away
A couple arguing outside our bedroom window at 3.30 on a Tuesday morning
Farm dogs barking non-stop at all hours of the day and night
Car alarms going off
Vandalism

Living in a village isn't all it's cracked up to be.

ABeaver8MyThumb · 20/10/2023 14:21

We moved to the country recently. I was sad to leave our old town, but assumed I would love the new place; I hate it. Feel like I've been buried alive. People talk about the friendliness of village life, but they hasn't been my experience at all. And sometimes the things that you think won't be a big deal - the driving miles to get anywhere, the snow in Winter, the shit public transport - might bother you more than you think.
Otoh, my sister lives in the country and likes it. If you have a horse, maybe you're already better-suited to this kind of lifestyle.

twistyizzy · 20/10/2023 14:21

@MaybeRural I don't know how you cope with a horse if you live in a city! Definitely a lot better being rural for that plus probably a more horsey network. There are about 10 livery yards within a 5-20 min drive from my house and I keep my horse 6 minutes away which makes a massive difference.

Original poster
MaybeRural · 20/10/2023 14:22

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/10/2023 14:19

Isn’t this what the suburbs are for?

I'm an all or nothing type person so the suburbs are not for me I'm afraid. Tried it once when we lived in Berkshire and I hated it with a passion. Too far from amenities but no-one to be friends with as it was a dormitory town and I was looking for a job for ages and felt very isolated and bored without even work colleagues to chat to. Was glad when we moved back into the city.

OP posts:
Mischance · 20/10/2023 14:23

Flyingthroughtrees · 20/10/2023 14:07

clubs, coffee mornings, singing group (I run that), live entertainment, croquet, school events (to which everyone goes - not just relatives)

see, when I said there is nothing to do, it’s full of this sort of stuff. Jesus, I’m a parent and even I don’t like going to my kids school events. If everyone goes to the school events that tells you how little there is to do!
I like a diversity of people and stuff to do. Your choices are likely to be limited if you move somewhere like this. It’s a very limited demographic, who like a certain range of stuff.

That's a bit harsh! What is it that you want to do that you would not be able to do in a rural area? - gym: available in the community hall; restaurant we are surrounded by lovely eating places; cinema in the nearby town and there are screenings in the community hall; theatre: in the town; art galleries in the town and rurally - or hop on a train to the nearest city - not very far away; live bands: in the community hall and nearby town; brothels sorry, can't help with that one - at least as far as I know!

Original poster
MaybeRural · 20/10/2023 14:24

ABeaver8MyThumb · 20/10/2023 14:21

We moved to the country recently. I was sad to leave our old town, but assumed I would love the new place; I hate it. Feel like I've been buried alive. People talk about the friendliness of village life, but they hasn't been my experience at all. And sometimes the things that you think won't be a big deal - the driving miles to get anywhere, the snow in Winter, the shit public transport - might bother you more than you think.
Otoh, my sister lives in the country and likes it. If you have a horse, maybe you're already better-suited to this kind of lifestyle.

Urgh! That doesn't sound good. I do love the countryside for visits, hacking, beach visits with my horse etc but I'm not keen on driving in bad weather it has to be said 🤔If horse were liveried close by it might not be a problem though.

OP posts:
ginasevern · 20/10/2023 14:26

@MaybeRural

The picture became a little clearer after the said the word "horse".

QueenCamilla · 20/10/2023 14:26

Flyingthroughtrees · 20/10/2023 14:07

clubs, coffee mornings, singing group (I run that), live entertainment, croquet, school events (to which everyone goes - not just relatives)

see, when I said there is nothing to do, it’s full of this sort of stuff. Jesus, I’m a parent and even I don’t like going to my kids school events. If everyone goes to the school events that tells you how little there is to do!
I like a diversity of people and stuff to do. Your choices are likely to be limited if you move somewhere like this. It’s a very limited demographic, who like a certain range of stuff.

Exactly. Just reading that makes me want to burn my phone to alleviate stifling boredom 😂

And I even used to run a small choir in a church - but that was a calming, dull antidote to my very manic career at that time. It definitely wasn't on any list of "things to do" in the city or a highlight of my area (still gutted but can't account for no taste) 😁

Original poster
MaybeRural · 20/10/2023 14:28

YourNameGoesHere · 20/10/2023 14:20

You're coming across as quite controlling here. So what if you've sacrificed a lot for him that doesn't mean you just get to make such a huge life changing decision and he either agrees or you get divorced.

Show quote history

Stop it! You're making me laugh and I'm due on a Teams call in a minute. I don't want to have tears streaming down my face or my boss will worry 😂If my DH doesn't want to come with me he's perfectly entitled to remain exactly where he is but I'll go ahead and machete my way through the undergrowth until he decides he's brave enough to follow. I'll let you know if he's coming back onto the dating scene imminently though ...

OP posts:
Original poster
MaybeRural · 20/10/2023 14:29

ginasevern · 20/10/2023 14:26

@MaybeRural

The picture became a little clearer after the said the word "horse".

"She" did indeed say the word '"horse", and a very fine horse he is too! Husband used to ride but he was away with work so much that I exercised his horse every day and it was exhausting because I was also working full time, albeit nearer to home.

OP posts:
Devilsmommy · 20/10/2023 14:30

Where I live is classed as semi rural so all the good bits of countryside but close enough to city that I can do what I want without worrying about distance or weather etc. Would that maybe be a compromise your husband would go for?

Original poster
MaybeRural · 20/10/2023 14:31

QueenCamilla · 20/10/2023 14:26

Exactly. Just reading that makes me want to burn my phone to alleviate stifling boredom 😂

And I even used to run a small choir in a church - but that was a calming, dull antidote to my very manic career at that time. It definitely wasn't on any list of "things to do" in the city or a highlight of my area (still gutted but can't account for no taste) 😁

Show quote history

Does moving to the countryside mean I'll have to sing or is it voluntary? I'm tone deaf so not sure I'd pass the audition 😋

OP posts:
twistyizzy · 20/10/2023 14:31

@MaybeRural personally I would put my horse over my DH 😉 so I wouldn't even be asking him for his input 😆, I would move house and then let him know the address!