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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked a mum where she got her kids coat from. Mine turns up in the same one. Aitah?

321 replies

Sophie1029734 · 20/10/2023 09:03

Hi all so they are in nursery. I saw a little girl in their class with a gorges coat on, I asked where it was from and she tells me. Its not a known site, quite a unique coat and stands out a lot. Anyway I got it for lo with no intention of my little girl wearing it to school, was just when we went shopping etc as I didn't want to take the light away from something she found.

I've been telling my little girl it's broke or dirty which is why she can't wear it to school. We were in a rush this morning and I turn round and she has put it on and trying to zip it up, saying she wants to be the same and look like a ballerina too. I pretended I couldn't zip it up and that it was broken then said let's put this one on instead. She just started to cry and refused to take it off, I was already late as it is and couldn't keep fighting her with it so we just left and I took her to school with it on.

The whole way I felt so guilty and sad like I stole something, I felt so wrong for it.

I won't put it on her again for school, I'll hide it from now on unless we go anywhere else but to the school.

But I'm so nervous, I didn't see the woman this morning at drop off but I may at pick up. I feel so guilty omg.

OP posts:
DinnaeFashYersel · 20/10/2023 13:13

Don't lie to your child and let her wear her coat and breathe

saffy2 · 20/10/2023 13:20

My daughter and a boy in her class have the same coat, they call themselves the coat twins 😂👍🏼 this isn’t a big deal.

Growlybear83 · 20/10/2023 13:25

Am I missing something? Why does it matter if two or even six girls in the same class have the same coat? So long as your coat has a name label in it, what's the problem?

BlossomOfOrange · 20/10/2023 13:25

Think your daughter’s feelings need to come above other people’s. You might be happy to sacrifice your needs but your daughter may not have the same view, she’s not an extension of you, something it’s hard to factor in, especially when so young.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 20/10/2023 13:38

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Mikimoto · 20/10/2023 13:44

Tell the other mother you're sorry, but her daughter really can't pull that coat off...

SamPoodle123 · 20/10/2023 13:47

Some people care about this stuff, but many don't. I am the type that does not care at all and am flattered if someone wants the same as me. In fact, lots of dc like to match others and have fun with it. Or they do not notice at all. Perhaps, I would have let the mum know that you bought it because your dd loved the coat. In any case, people who get upset if you buy the same thing are silly.

Galatine · 20/10/2023 13:49

Anyone who would be offended because someone wore the same coat as her DD is not worth the consideration.

ColleenDonaghy · 20/10/2023 13:51

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No need to be a dick.

amiboverd · 20/10/2023 13:51

I think it's fine to let your daughter wear the coat to school. It's just a coat.

Miyagi99 · 20/10/2023 13:57

Sophie1029734 · 20/10/2023 09:07

It's because the other girls wears the same and qouldnt make sense sense say she can't when she can

The Mum would assumed you were going to buy it though, why ask otherwise?!

Lumins · 20/10/2023 13:58

Is it an Angel's Face coat? They make some beautiful clothes but they're not exclusive. I can't imagine the other mum will care.

Original poster
Sophie1029734 · 20/10/2023 14:39

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Yes, it's from abuse and constant traumatic events happening over and over again for multiple years whilst ptsd happens mostly from singular events. It's actually a horrible thing to deal with and going through the events which led up to it developing is worse. Comes with this is people pleasing and yes it may sound ridiculous to some of you, but count urselves lucky that u never had to have such events occur in ur lives.
the fact you think it's funny to joke about shows how gross of a person you are. You not only ineducated but lack compassion and empathy.

OP posts:
toadasoda · 20/10/2023 15:07

Sophie1029734 · 20/10/2023 09:46

Yes I'm glad it's been pointed out, I'll let her wear it to school now and stop worrying about it.

Glad to see this! I agree with others its a non issue, I get that you came here for a sense check and don't think its fair that you have been given such a hard time!

If it makes you feel better, I had been gushing about a friends new renovated kitchen a few years ago, especially their tiled floor. We moved house and tiled our hall and they visited a couple of times. It was only when I went back to their house I realised I had picked the same tiles, from the same shop. I was mortified. We live in different suburbs of a city so even going to the same tile shop was a coincidence. They thought I had gone looking for their tiles to copy them. Whether they thought it was a compliment or a weird copy cat thing I will never know.

ActDottie · 20/10/2023 15:07

Wtf have I just read??? Who gets this worked up about a coat? As previous posters have said if you cares that much you wouldn’t have bought the coat.

weirdoboelady · 20/10/2023 15:57

I think what I would do if I was that worried was this.

I'd have a little card already written out. It would say something like
'Thank you so much for giving me the details of your daughter's coat. As you've probably seen, I got one for my own daughter.

I was planning that she wouldn't wear her coat to school as I didn't want to steal your thunder. What I didn't foresee is that she would love it so much that she won't be parted from it. So I do apologise that she is now wearing it every day - this was not at all my intention and I do hope you're not offended by it.

Thank you again for helping to bring such joy to both children.'

Does that help you at all? If you just hand her the card it will solve things if you are feeling very embarrassed (no reason to be, though!) or the other mum is rushed.

Clairehea · 20/10/2023 16:09

Don’t need to explain yourself. Hope you’re ok, message me if you want to chat. You shouldn’t have been given a hard time. You we’re only looking for advice. Hope you have s good evening

FarmGirl78 · 20/10/2023 17:08

PenguinRainbows · 20/10/2023 09:04

Why are you lying to your daughter? It’s not “broke” or “dirty”.

You just tell her it’s a coat you don’t wear to nursery. No need to lie Confused

This. Don't be scared of having "just because" rules. You can't live your whole life not being the bad guy by continually blaming zips, or dirt, or whatever. You're the adult in charge so take that responsibility and own your decisions. "That coat isn't one you can wear for nursery" Why? "Because Mummy said so" is a perfectly good answer.

Asparagus1 · 20/10/2023 17:16

I work in a nursery. We often have children with the same coats by accident 🤷🏼‍♀️

SmileyClare · 20/10/2023 17:22

I think you should just be honest about your dd having the same coat- you can laugh about it with the other mum. Maybe you’ll end up as friends?

Good suggestion from. pp upthread to plan what you’ll say if you feel socially anxious. Keep it light and friendly.

I recommend a course of CBT if you’re aren’t receiving treatment. It can give you some useful coping strategies for anxiety and obsessive thoughts/ catastrophising. Available via your gp although sometimes a battle to access on the NHS.

Make a pledge to prioritise your dds feelings. You’ll feel better for it- must be very confusing for her to have to play along in public to accommodate your anxious thoughts and feelings of self consciousness.

X

Lamelie · 20/10/2023 17:25

weirdoboelady · 20/10/2023 15:57

I think what I would do if I was that worried was this.

I'd have a little card already written out. It would say something like
'Thank you so much for giving me the details of your daughter's coat. As you've probably seen, I got one for my own daughter.

I was planning that she wouldn't wear her coat to school as I didn't want to steal your thunder. What I didn't foresee is that she would love it so much that she won't be parted from it. So I do apologise that she is now wearing it every day - this was not at all my intention and I do hope you're not offended by it.

Thank you again for helping to bring such joy to both children.'

Does that help you at all? If you just hand her the card it will solve things if you are feeling very embarrassed (no reason to be, though!) or the other mum is rushed.

That’s unnecessary but very sweet. Could you do that @Sophie1029734?
Flowers

DappledThings · 20/10/2023 17:28

weirdoboelady · 20/10/2023 15:57

I think what I would do if I was that worried was this.

I'd have a little card already written out. It would say something like
'Thank you so much for giving me the details of your daughter's coat. As you've probably seen, I got one for my own daughter.

I was planning that she wouldn't wear her coat to school as I didn't want to steal your thunder. What I didn't foresee is that she would love it so much that she won't be parted from it. So I do apologise that she is now wearing it every day - this was not at all my intention and I do hope you're not offended by it.

Thank you again for helping to bring such joy to both children.'

Does that help you at all? If you just hand her the card it will solve things if you are feeling very embarrassed (no reason to be, though!) or the other mum is rushed.

Sorry but if I received a card like that I'd be absolutely baffled by how over the top it was. Completely making a mountain out of a molehill and creating drama where there is none.

SmileyClare · 20/10/2023 17:35

I wouldn’t think a card like that was “creating drama”. It’s quite sweet actually. You’d have to be a real sour puss to take it as any way other than well intended. 😂

I mean most people would just strike up a conversation (that’s still an option) in the playground but op clearly finds that difficult due to her anxiety.

We all have our foibles. I find it’s always best to be upfront and show your weaknesses, rather than trying to behave how you think people want you to.

DappledThings · 20/10/2023 17:42

SmileyClare · 20/10/2023 17:35

I wouldn’t think a card like that was “creating drama”. It’s quite sweet actually. You’d have to be a real sour puss to take it as any way other than well intended. 😂

I mean most people would just strike up a conversation (that’s still an option) in the playground but op clearly finds that difficult due to her anxiety.

We all have our foibles. I find it’s always best to be upfront and show your weaknesses, rather than trying to behave how you think people want you to.

However well intentioned it's making an event out of a non-event. If I received a card apologising for someone buying the same item of clothing as my child, an item I'd cheerfully told them where they could get it then I would be really bemused. And start to wonder if it was some passive aggressive dig that I didn't understand. I wouldn't fathom it was because of nervousness because there's no situation to be nervous about.

I wouldn't be unpleasant about it but I'd find it really odd. A million times odder than just wearing the coat.

DaftQuestionForToday · 20/10/2023 17:47

TravelInHope · 20/10/2023 09:38

In other news, Israel and Palestine are at war.

Show quote history

@TravelInHope

yes they are and it's beyond comprehension what it's like there. Just awful.

However, people are still allowed to get stressed/upset about other things as well. The OP has CPTSD & your post was unkind, just no need.