Asked a mum where she got her kids coat from. Mine turns up in the same one. Aitah?

[Sophie1029734]

Hi all so they are in nursery. I saw a little girl in their class with a gorges coat on, I asked where it was from and she tells me. Its not a known site, quite a unique coat and stands out a lot. Anyway I got it for lo with no intention of my little girl wearing it to school, was just when we went shopping etc as I didn't want to take the light away from something she found.

I've been telling my little girl it's broke or dirty which is why she can't wear it to school. We were in a rush this morning and I turn round and she has put it on and trying to zip it up, saying she wants to be the same and look like a ballerina too. I pretended I couldn't zip it up and that it was broken then said let's put this one on instead. She just started to cry and refused to take it off, I was already late as it is and couldn't keep fighting her with it so we just left and I took her to school with it on.

The whole way I felt so guilty and sad like I stole something, I felt so wrong for it.

I won't put it on her again for school, I'll hide it from now on unless we go anywhere else but to the school.

But I'm so nervous, I didn't see the woman this morning at drop off but I may at pick up. I feel so guilty omg.

What tangled webs we weave… It’s not good to lie to your daughter to cover your tracks. Sooner or later she’ll figure she can’t trust what you say.

She told you where she found it after telling you that she liked it.

she therefore (definitely) expected you to buy the same one for your DD.

yes, it is a complete over reaction.

I am glad you listened to the people on this thread and hope you will try to remember it for the future.
this must have been stressful and very confusing for your DD!

Try to find your own style for your dd

I don’t particularly agree with this. Little girls aren’t extensions of their mothers to “style” and look pretty on their arm.

Let her choose her own coat next time She doesn’t need to be “styled” by you.

Me too, if you mean AITA.

Babes
Life is short
stop overthinking and people pleasing
let your little girl wear her coat she loves
other mum won’t give a shit, if anything she’ll be flattered
also I get a sense you make yourself
small a lot. You cringe at yourself a lot in a self loathing way.
Stop doing that. Take up your space and encourage your daughter to do the same. You’ve bought her a beautiful coat, let her wear it
x

Sorry to hear that. I hope you can rationalise those thoughts in some way and realise it’s your anxiety talking x

Im sure that’s easier said than done- apologies if I sounded flippant.

Your child’s happiness is WAY more important than pandering to your own anxiety! Let her wear the coat and don’t give it a second more thought. And don’t lie to your child because of your own embarrassment.

🤯 WRNTLFP

it is a parent’s responsibility to build a rock solid relationship with their child... it’s in the job description.

trying to please random people however is not responsibility.

Lying, trying to hide, inventing weird cover ups? That is not how you build that relationship with your DD. And it is not how you teach your DD that she can trust you.

trying to truly memorise that so it is at the forefront of your mind when you feel like that again might be helpful.

It’s just a toddlers clothes ffs.

Coat aisde, I think that you want to be careful lying to your daughter over trivial things like that. Telling her that her coat that she loves and wants to wear is broken would be upsetting for her, and destabilising when she realises that it was a lie and not actually broken. If you don't want her to wear it just say "this isn't your nursery coat". But its just a coat, this reminds me of the scene from Daisy May Cooper's 'Am I being Unreasonable?'. Unless she loses hers and thinks you've literally stolen her coat then it's fine!

My DD has a coat from Boden that about 5 kids from her school have. Why are you not allowed to like clothes and buy them?

Why are you lying to your daughter and putting her feelings above the (completely imaginary) feelings of a random woman? Give yourself a good shake and get your priorities right.

You’re super overthinking this. The lady will probably be flattered you got it too! Let her wear it

The girls are friends, most likely outcome is; they dash around the playground holding hands whilst announcing that they are twins.

There are some bloody nasty responses on here. Added onto her telling you all she has a history of trauma . I hope you feel really cool having been so critical to someone having a hard time. Here, let me show you how you could have communicated your view just as clear but with a shred of compassion..

"I think you're overthinking this OP. It sounds like you worry a lot about what people think and that must be hard but honestly, just let your daughter wear the coat"

I agree you are probably over thinking this but think about the root cause of this situation. Did DD actually ask you to get her the same coat as the girl at school or is this more about you wanting to choose what you think she looks pretty in because it makes you feel good? Perhaps explore that one a little more and be guided by what she wants rather than wanting to style her to your own preferences.

I doubt the other mum will actually be flattered if she’s made the effort to buy something a bit unique for her child. If you want your child to have the same one it’s fine though, she’s probably half expecting it since she told you were it was bought from. I’m not sure why you’d lie to your daughter- not ts fine to say you don’t want matching coats because they’ll get mixed up, or that she needs a more practical coat for nursery

I can't believe I've read this. If the other mother was that bothered, she wouldn't have told you where she got the coat.

My son has a very distinctive coat that I love. I'm really attached to it in a way I know is quite sad. I do like that it's unusual (old style not sold anymore). I still wouldn't care if another child in his nursery class had the same one.

The kids will LOVE having the same coat. Let her wear it to nursery, unless it's too nice for nursery.

@Sophie1029734 make sure you label your child’s coat 🧥 to avoid problems later

Is it nursery or school? It’s not clear from the opening post.

Shes probably told her friend she has the same coat at home anyway.

Its important to realise how damaging this sort of manipulation of a child is, telling her upsetting lies and putting “keeping up appearances “ above your dds feelings.

What if you bumped into the mum shopping? Would dd have to hide?
Im really uncomfortable with the way you’re coercing your dd into this farce.

I think you are uncomfortable with it too - hence the thread?
Nothing bad will happen if you stop pretending and be a little more honest with everyone!

Quite!

to answer your question… the first sentence of the OPs post tells you!

At any point did it cross your mind that the mum may take it as a compliment ? And even if she was odd and immature and got offended.... the world still spins. Don't waste motherhood trying to please others focus on you and your little one.