To worry I’m not doing this (motherhood) properly?

StiffUpperNip · 2023-10-19T22:10:03+00:00

I’m not entirely sure how to even articulate this. I LOVE my DC. But, four months in, I’m finding parenthood both exhausting and quite dull. At all points in time, I seem to be entertaining, feeding or trying to get a baby to sleep. It’s all a bit relentless. My husband helps, but he’s at work all day. Also, there’s so much activity! Sometimes, I’d like to have a leisurely shower and then sit and read a book. Or do some yoga. Or make myself a nice lunch. In silence. I really miss just pottering about quietly. Everyone I speak to assures me I’ll miss this period. So, I assume I’m currently meant to be enjoying myself. But, I’m really not. I’m not having a good time. Is this hugely abnormal? Does anyone have any tips (that aren’t ‘get out and about’)? Just writing this has made me feel guilty.

theduchessofspork · 19/10/2023 23:13

It’s completely normal. The first 6 months especially are fairly hellish. I think far more people miss 6-12 months than this first stage. It’s pretty dull, when it’s not exhausting.

If it’s pottering about at home you want rather than being out and about, how are you doing re establishing a routine and nap times?

Torganer · 19/10/2023 23:13

Stop listening to other people. Everyone is different! And stop feeling guilty. You are doing a great job. I hated the newborn stage, I don’t miss it at all. I know I’m not a bad parent.

CatMattress · 19/10/2023 23:14

Nah. Totally normal. I HATED my first year with my son. My god im nostalgic about it now.

You're feeling overworked, Underappreciated and guilty. Sounds like you're nailing motherhood...

More seriously though, it is fucking hard work. Do whatever you can to make it bearable. Find an evening yoga class and leave baby with your partner or a relative. Go to groups so you have other adults to talk to even if you never see them again. Go to mother baby cinema screenings so you don't feel cut off from the world. Time passes so so slowly, but it's gone before you know it. My baby just started secondary school, but I feel like I was where you are just a few months ago.

You're doing just fine. I promise. Be kind to yourself.

Fifteenth · 19/10/2023 23:15

That’s because it is hard and boring. It will be worth it in the end. Be good to yourself and get through it however you can.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/10/2023 23:15

The days are long but the years are short. You'll soon be into a different stage, op. And then another. And then another. Try to appreciate as much as you can during each stage, stumble through the rest, and do yourself a favour and toss any expectations you have out the window. The highs and lows will be astonishing, I can assure you.

You're doing brilliantly, so don't overthink it.

Toothyfruity · 19/10/2023 23:18

I found the first six months monotonous, relentless and very tiring. Don't worry if you're not enjoying it.

Once my babies developed personalities and had more predictable schedules after 7 or 8 months it became much more enjoyable. Hang in there!

cdhmum · 19/10/2023 23:21

Didn't like the first year with my firstborn but with my second I was already a Mum and knew to expect the potential daily monotony. So I've not had that this time around.

I think it helps to have a routine, it helps the baby to feel more comfortable. So for example, she is 4 months and having 3-4 naps a day which will gradually reduce over time.

We have an activity for each wake window - baby gym and story, dancing to music I like, nursery rhyme time, baby massage, outdoor walk. I pick and choose in the morning what we'll do depending on how she is, how I am and the weather. Because she is immunocompromised we can't go to groups or even the local library, so I have to be inventive in how we spend our time so we don't get bored.

ChickenNugget6 · 19/10/2023 23:21

I'll be honest... I'm not a big fan of the first 6 months. It's just too much rocking and breastfeeding and boringness for me.

I love it when babies start to sit up, can eat some food with me and appreciate a bit of a chat.

Desecratedcoconut · 19/10/2023 23:22

Fwiw, I have three kids and I found the infant stage the least rewarding, give me a toddler or a teen any day of the week. It gets so much better, hang on in there.

Original poster

StiffUpperNip · 19/10/2023 23:23

theduchessofspork · 19/10/2023 23:13

It’s completely normal. The first 6 months especially are fairly hellish. I think far more people miss 6-12 months than this first stage. It’s pretty dull, when it’s not exhausting.

If it’s pottering about at home you want rather than being out and about, how are you doing re establishing a routine and nap times?

Not doing brilliantly, tbh. I thought we were getting a routine in place, but the four month sleep regression hit last week. Now, DD will only sleep in our arms or if I bed share (which I hate, it makes me super anxious and means DH has to sleep in a spare room as per official guidance).

So, I almost always have her somewhere about my person. I’m holding a sleeping baby as I type this.

OP posts:

Cowlover89 · 19/10/2023 23:23

I loved the newborn stage. Loved the cuddles

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 19/10/2023 23:27

Do you drive? The car is the best for day time naps and once they're asleep you can park up and just try and read a book or go on the Internet or whatever.
I found the newborn stage relentless and hard- just lots of crying and breastfeeding and NO SLEEP. The older he got and the more personality he got it just got better and better tbh.
Hang on in there, it gets better very soon I promise.

BulbasaurBloom · 19/10/2023 23:27

But all of those things you describe…you can still do?

your baby is 4 months old. Put them on a mat and do yoga next to them.

walk around in the pram, then go to a coffee shop for a book and a read?

put them in a cot and go make your nice sandwich. enjoy nice sandwich as they gurgle

stretchy sling if they won’t be put down!! Nestle them close

I’m obviously assuming you don’t have a Velcro baby who hates the pram, but you haven’t mentioned that.

i’ve met a lot of burned out mums who spent their whole maternity leave at every baby group going and shaking a rattle or black and white book in front of their baby’s head until the sun went down. You don’t need to do that.

my baby days until they started being upset at not being able to roll and crawl as they wished was reading, coffee and cake, Netflix, long lunches, yoga and exercise with them next to me and lots of reading. Babies are just happy to be with you and exploring and hearing your world. The constant entertainment period will come. Steal every moment you can now.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 19/10/2023 23:28

Or if you don't drive - walks with the pram for naps too.

Zippedydoodahday · 19/10/2023 23:29

I embraced the sling with the help of a sling library to get a good fit so I could potter about with baby on me. Also I listened to an awful lot of podcasts. Wireless headphone in one ear to stop me dying of boredom when doing mundane tasks. Saved my sanity.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/10/2023 23:31

So, I almost always have her somewhere about my person. I’m holding a sleeping baby as I type this.

Do you think this is unusual? It's totally normal, and necessary, at this age.

pitterypattery00 · 19/10/2023 23:32

StiffUpperNip · 19/10/2023 23:23

Not doing brilliantly, tbh. I thought we were getting a routine in place, but the four month sleep regression hit last week. Now, DD will only sleep in our arms or if I bed share (which I hate, it makes me super anxious and means DH has to sleep in a spare room as per official guidance).

So, I almost always have her somewhere about my person. I’m holding a sleeping baby as I type this.

Show quote history

My baby was the same - 4 month sleep regression hit us hard and lasted til 6 months. I remember feeling like I wouldn't survive those weeks - was utterly exhausted. And baby wouldn't be put down for nap during day so no sleeping when baby sleeps for me. BUT things changed massively for the better at 6.5 months - slept well most nights and the biggest change was I could put him down for naps in his cot so I could nap or do own thing for an hour or two. Suddenly life felt much better. You'll get there, you will. Take one day at a time and before you know it you'll be at a totally different stage.

Sleepsleeprepeat · 19/10/2023 23:36

I felt the same - you’re not alone, and you’re not a bad mum. The advice from pp about everything being a phase - the good and the bad! - is so true, this will pass. On a more practical note, I found a yoga class where I could either hold, wear in a sling or pop my baby in the floor, and I loved it- felt like getting a bit of me back. He also loved watching everyone’s arms in the air, which was great for me as it kept him entertained for a while. Hope you can find something similar!

pizzaHeart · 19/10/2023 23:39

I think it depends a lot on your baby and where you live and how much help you get and on your personality.
DH could read a book sitting outside with DD in the pram but I loved reading a book on a sofa with a cup of tea whereas DD didn’t like to sleep inside. And we haven’t got outside space to put pram safely out. And she was a really bad sleeper. And we just moved for DH’s new job and there was no family or friends near by. It was a difficult year but I think a lot of issues contributed to it.

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 19/10/2023 23:39

Every moment with your children is so precious and I don’t think you fully appreciate that until they’ve (the moments) gone.
You have elected by having a child to fundamentally alter your life and it will never go back to what it was. I think this is a good thing. I’m sorry you’re not happy maybe you need to talk to someone. 🙏🏻

Original poster

StiffUpperNip · 19/10/2023 23:41

Cowlover89 · 19/10/2023 23:23

I loved the newborn stage. Loved the cuddles

So, DD doesn’t really cuddle. If she’s in your arms, you are required to be doing something. Playing with her, or breastfeeding or bouncing. Or getting up and walking around. There is no sitting and cuddling. Is there a way to get them to want to do this? A knack?

OP posts:

Original poster

StiffUpperNip · 19/10/2023 23:42

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 19/10/2023 23:27

Do you drive? The car is the best for day time naps and once they're asleep you can park up and just try and read a book or go on the Internet or whatever.
I found the newborn stage relentless and hard- just lots of crying and breastfeeding and NO SLEEP. The older he got and the more personality he got it just got better and better tbh.
Hang on in there, it gets better very soon I promise.

I’m in central London, so driving is a bit of a nightmare. We’re moving shortly, however. So will definitely try this. Thank you.

OP posts:

theduchessofspork · 19/10/2023 23:45

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 19/10/2023 23:39

Every moment with your children is so precious and I don’t think you fully appreciate that until they’ve (the moments) gone.
You have elected by having a child to fundamentally alter your life and it will never go back to what it was. I think this is a good thing. I’m sorry you’re not happy maybe you need to talk to someone. 🙏🏻

Helpful not

BertieBotts · 19/10/2023 23:45

No (in response to "is there a knack??") that's just an annoying 3-4mo thing. Once they can sit up on their own that is great because you can leave them with a box of things (wnaky basket I wonder if anyone will remember this) and they stay entertained for a little while. At least until they realise that they want to crawl but can't figure it out

I was very into not sitting DS1 up in case it interfered with his natural development, but I kept making the younger two practice sitting and they did it much earlier, it was better.

It's a MN cliché but do you have a sling? That can help as you can strap them on and get on with pottering about, or go and meet a friend for coffee, or just go for a walk and look at something other than the four walls of your house.

Original poster

StiffUpperNip · 19/10/2023 23:48

BulbasaurBloom · 19/10/2023 23:27

But all of those things you describe…you can still do?

your baby is 4 months old. Put them on a mat and do yoga next to them.

walk around in the pram, then go to a coffee shop for a book and a read?

put them in a cot and go make your nice sandwich. enjoy nice sandwich as they gurgle

stretchy sling if they won’t be put down!! Nestle them close

I’m obviously assuming you don’t have a Velcro baby who hates the pram, but you haven’t mentioned that.

i’ve met a lot of burned out mums who spent their whole maternity leave at every baby group going and shaking a rattle or black and white book in front of their baby’s head until the sun went down. You don’t need to do that.

my baby days until they started being upset at not being able to roll and crawl as they wished was reading, coffee and cake, Netflix, long lunches, yoga and exercise with them next to me and lots of reading. Babies are just happy to be with you and exploring and hearing your world. The constant entertainment period will come. Steal every moment you can now.

Edited

See, I read things like this and wonder if there’s something wrong with me or my baby.

She wouldn’t tolerate this. She’d cry, want to be picked up and require I do something with her. There is no set of circumstances in which I’m reading a book or having a coffee and she’s just gurgling away happily.

Is this because I’ve done something wrong? If so, can I fix said thing? As I would love a day like you’re describing.

OP posts: