To worry I’m not doing this (motherhood) properly?

[StiffUpperNip]

I’m not entirely sure how to even articulate this.

I LOVE my DC. But, four months in, I’m finding parenthood both exhausting and quite dull. At all points in time, I seem to be entertaining, feeding or trying to get a baby to sleep. It’s all a bit relentless. My husband helps, but he’s at work all day.

Also, there’s so much activity! Sometimes, I’d like to have a leisurely shower and then sit and read a book. Or do some yoga. Or make myself a nice lunch. In silence. I really miss just pottering about quietly.

Everyone I speak to assures me I’ll miss this period. So, I assume I’m currently meant to be enjoying myself. But, I’m really not. I’m not having a good time. Is this hugely abnormal? Does anyone have any tips (that aren’t ‘get out and about’)?

Just writing this has made me feel guilty.

Oh bless you yes me personally i would have hated living in a city centre with a newborn! I was fortunate that I was on the coast so could get some fresh sea air. I juat did lots of round and round and round of the local botanical gardens. Yeah until you move, weather permitting, try and get out to some parks if you can. Something about nature and fresh air just does wonders for both baby and parent!!!! In my limited experience anyway.

I honestly don’t know. There’s a post upthread about babies who can be put in cots to gurgle happily while you do things, so I genuinely have no idea what’s normal.

How about a walk with the baby in the pram or sling, while you listen to a podcast or music? She'll fall asleep and you can be alone with your thoughts for a bit. I know the weather is grim, but you can wrap both of you up?

I really loved the initial newborn stage, i had a section and tbh I was so glad to not be pregnant any more it made the recovery feel like a breeze. Ds was really colicky so that was intense but I loved the cuddles and snuggles etc and breastfeeding constantly felt like an excuse to rest up on the sofa and recover.

Around the age you mention I did find it harder to get things done. Ds wanted more attention and didn't like it if you left the room but he did enjoy lying on his playmat and interacting with his toys so I could still get a few moments to do things. I found wearing him in the sling helped because he was pretty content in it so I could potter around a bit more and he'd maybe doze. Ds also really liked watching things around him, so I'd have had more joy taking him out to a cafe or garden centre and having a cuppa than trying to do that in the house because he had lots of watch and be distracted by.

I also found around that age that doing wee classes helped him sleep better especially a post swim sleep! So that gave me an hour or so to myself if I put him down in his cot. I've recently started taking one of ds naps for housework and the other for a nap myself (he's teething and up a lot at the moment, I don't always feel I need a nap). But it definitely helped me feel more 'productive'.

Dh also takes ds when he gets home so I can go and chill or do housework etc which feels like a break in the monotony.

I'd say the intensity and relentlessness can feel quite lonely and they were the things I was the least prepared for.

I have tried assorted slings and she hated them all. See also the Baby Bjorn. I’ve just spent a silly amount on one of those Artipoppe baby carriers as a friend swears by them. If she doesn’t like that, I may actually cry.

Have been sitting her up quite a lot. Development thing didn’t even occur to me. ☹️

Anyone who says “enjoy every minute” is a knob.

Nothing is enjoyable all the time. Let alone a baby that wakes you up at all hours, pushes your body and mental health to the limit some days, plus the fear / anxiety of actually keeping them alive. And a shed load of judgement from pretty much everyone. Full on or what?

It feels hard because it IS hard.

Some days are joyous but you are not doing it wrong if it doesn’t hit that standard very day. Keep trucking xxx

...sorry, I guess this is essentially "get out and about".

How about your husband does the walking bit and leaves you at home for an hour or two to potter?

If you have to hold her for naps can you just stick the telly on while you do it? If the noise might wake her up you could use wireless earbuds. Again, escape with your own thoughts for a bit.

4 months is a bit shit though, there's no getting round that. But soon enough she might start sleeping more and being a bit more responsive and interactive when she's awake.

You are all so lovely. Thank you.

My son did not gurgle happily in his cot. HA very cold and cynical laugh.
No he screamed and screamed day and night unless he was on my boob, in the fresh air, or being rocked. And I had no help. WHATSOEVER.
Trust me you are not alone in feeling alone. It was hell on earth for me. I was very anxious too so the rare occasions I'd manage to put him down in his cot like he was about to go off like a landmine and he actually stayed asleep I'd either hover over him making sure he was breathing or waste time doom scrolling on my phone.
White noise helped.
Literally the only thing I could do was just survive this phase. It was all worth it.

Doing stuff like yoga or going to a coffee shop is maybe one of those things that seems tricky at the time, but when you are wrangling an older child and don't have a moment's peace, you wonder why you didn't do more of it.

I do agree though that the first 6 months are a time to do what you want, with baby tagging along in a sling. Honestly, the amount of time for having cake and coffee with friends skydived as my baby became mobile (I have two but obviously you don't get the same experience with a second). We went from 2 hour coffee dates to snatched moments of conversation as our children went in opposite directions at soft play.

Things are always a bit different with hindsight though. I did a lot of stuff for me that first 6 months, but now I'm very much stuck in the trenches with older kids. But at the time it wasn't manageable, and that's ok.

Its easy to remember the easy bits - like them not moving, like them not asking why every 15 second, like then being made happy again by boobs and bottles rather than a desire for you to break the laws of physics by making their round plate square, of and but having to juggle it with work. But it's easy to forget the early anxiety, how fragile they seem and how new it all was.

We are all just winging it really, at each stage. You sound like your doing absolutely fine. But for future you, if there is anything that you'd like to do that wouldn't work well with an older baby/toddler, now is the time!

No don't worry, the point I was making was that it made no difference, in fact the ones I used to sit up they sat up much earlier. DS1 is now 15 and doesn't seem particularly more or less coordinated than anyone else.

I do think it is all a bit variable, DS2 was a strange child who you could put down in a Moses basket and he would just coo to himself and fall asleep. DS1 was happy enough in a bouncer and later his jumperoo but mainly liked to be held, and not sitting down. DS3 had a big brother to watch. I did a lot of breastfeeding (all three of them) while on my computer. Usually on MN.

The 4 month bit isn't one of my favourite bits. I much prefer the toddler years.

Honestly, I loved it. I could have looked at my babies and cuddled them all day. But, I did also enjoy getting out and about with them. And I also loved having a couple of hours to myself to get things done, a couple of times a week when my DM would come and take them for a walk in their prams. Are you getting any help like that? I found that made a big difference, when you've had a chance to miss them. It was an exhausting time for me too ebf, especially my youngest who wanted to be on me constantly, so honestly, I was glad to not be doing much.

Have you tried a playmat for your baby? One that they lie on with various rattles/toys attached that hang above their head? My baby isn’t much of a cuddler either he’s always wriggling wanting to do/see things but I get a lot of peace when I stick him down onto his playmat as it’s kind of self entertaining lol worth a shot maybe xx

DD didn’t gurgle happily in the cot. She loved me or her Dad holding her preferably singing or dancing at the same time.
I wonder if it’s breastfeeding. My friend’s bottle fed baby was much less sticky.

You aren’t doing anything wrong! Some babies are “easy” and happy to lie there gurgling while you do your own thing and others are… not! My son was (and still is!) the latter. He wants constant stimulation - when he was small that meant black and white books or me playing peek a boo / singing / blowing raspberries / helping him roll etc etc ad infinitum. Now at 15 months he is still a whirlwind and he wants to run around constantly, he wants to climb things, he wants to be picked up to look at things on top of shelves, he wants me to read books with him… I absolutely hated the first 5-6 months (with hindsight I also had ppd which did not help) and honestly it was difficult until he could walk at around 10 months. Some people love the tiny infant stage and others (like me) do not. With every bit of extra independence that he gains I enjoy being a mother more and more - that’s okay!

What I am trying to say (badly) is that you aren’t doing anything wrong - you just have a higher needs baby. This makes the early months really tough! It gets so much better after a year though (still exhausting but much more fun) I promise.

You sound like you are doing a fantastic job - just try to ignore that voice in the back of your head telling you how you should be feeling. This too shall pass!

Oh god it's really hard. I remember talking with my sister and saying that ds1 would bat a (toy) giraffe and then start crying and what the fuck was I supposed to do? She said "that's him playing, when he cries he's at the end of his attention span, but he is playing with you". That initially depressed the fuck out of me but did eventually help me actually, just realising how different the world looks to babies and how they have no proper concept of time, or you, or of themselves.

So what you're describing is totally normal for a baby.

However, you're an adult, and living at baby level can be frustrating. As you have a partner, could you alleviate this by carving some time out for yourself? It has to be something away from the baby, I can't stress that enough. You need to be in a different setting altogether that is working at adult pace, doing whatever you feel like doing without one part of your brain in babytime.

I was barely able to cope with the boredom of having a baby under 1, it drove me insane and the cuteness was not enough to counteract that. Now my daughter is 2 and a half and we have an amazing time together and while it's still hard work, it's infinitely more rewarding and she actually shows real love and affection while doing stuff and talking to you. It gets better OP and it's no reflection on how good you'll be as a mother.

It’s not you or her - it’s just a really difficult stage, but it should only last a few weeks.

Hold onto whatever vestiges of a routine you can because it will make it easier to get back into it - like bed and bed time routine at the same time, blacked out room, white noise machine to try and keep her asleep. Sometimes bringing bedtime forward helps if she is not napping well, and also sometimes intro-Ing a longer feed or bottle before bed helps them not wake up because of hunger. Naps at set times as well if you can, even if short.

I hope the new sling works, and would get a baby bouncer (ok for half an hour at her age) so you can do your yoga stretches and lean over to give her a quick bounce as you do. Start literally with a two min stretch and work up from there.

She will wail, but if you build it up really slowly she will gradually get used to it, and understand that you are still there with her. Similarly when she is through the worst of this and you want to put her back in her cot, you want to build up to putting her down before she’s asleep so she gradually gets used to settling. (Obviously you don’t go from co-sleeping to plonking her in her cot, you move over in tiny stages.)

Once her naps get back to normal, you should be able to get in some reading.

Can you afford a cleaner? If you can I would get one so you can do you thing in the breaks when they return.

Honestly it will pass so hang on in there.

OP both of my babies sound exactly like yours at the same age and I remember feeling as you are feeling with my first. You are doing great and you are doing everything you need to it is just a rough age. Do not even get me started on the 4 month sleep regression. It is hell but it does end and it will end when it ends and I don’t think you can do anything but wait it out.

I found from about 5 months they start to change and develop so quickly they change preferences and what they will/won’t/can do changes really quickly too. The thing that changed it all for me was when we started having a proper bedtime for them and I would get to potter around and be me for a few hours every evening. I think both of mine started reliably going down for bedtime at around 6ish months.

I know it is the most annoying thing to hear when you are in the thick of it but it really is a phase.

Oh and yeah - your partner needs to hold the fort at weekends a couple times so you can get an hour or two off.

@mumofgirls35

My son's 2.5 now and I agree with every word you say. And just hearing "I love you Mummy" all the time melts my heart and all the silly little things he comes out with and does!

As someone upthread suggested, a play mat with a “gym” thing over it? Or a bouncy seat with a toy bar across.

At that age, my kids would have been entertained (briefly) by things they could bat and also they were starting to roll and found that amusing!

Hang in. It truly is fairly monotonous, but I’d encourage floor play by getting down there too and seeing what takes her fancy. Does she have plastic stuff to grab? There’s a toy here that I called baldy man and ALL the babies love it.

I was going to say something similar to Bertie. No.1 child was a velcro baby who never slept. I thought I was doing it all wrong. That first year was nightmarish, though things improved significantly after the 4 month sleep fuck up passed.
No.2 child was weird in comparison. She slept through from 8 days old! Admittedly I was a lot more relaxed and just embraced bed sharing, but she'd do it at nap times too.
I remember a friend came to visit whose first child was the same asmine first non sleeping horror. I put baby down in her moses basket to give friend a hug and make a cuppa and when we came back she'd just gone to sleep. We both stood there looking at her, then looking at each other like "weird - it's not a myth".

She got her own back when she turned 18 months old, mind.

Persevere with slings. Wedge her in nice and tight and immediately go for a brisk walk or dance around a bit. She'll get used to them and they can be a life saver for a velcro baby.

And forgive yourself. If she's alive and thriving and you haven't completely lost the plot then you are doing wonderfully. Lower your expectations. Everyone fed, no-one dead was my mantra until they started school. I still revert to it on bad days even now, when it's Fishfingers and beans for tea for the third day in a row and I'm feeling guilty.

Chin up. You've got this.

I hated Mat leave. Of course there’s parts I miss (they are 30, 19 and 15 now) but overall I’ll take adult children and teens over babies and toddlers any day. Your life isn’t your own for many years but gradually it gets easier. For me returning to work was a blessing as I felt more like me. I found mat leave very lonely, and yes you’re right, the constant routine of baby days is relentless. It’s fine to not enjoy that

Given you’re in central london there must be a ton of baby groups / activities going on. Get out there and meet some new mums, even if you’ve got baby on your knee in a cafe you’re out and talking to others, people who are going through the same stage etc. It’s so true the saying that the days are long and the years are short. But those long days are tough and not enjoying them doesn’t make you a bad mum. I know I’m a good mum, but I hated Mat leave