To worry I’m not doing this (motherhood) properly?

[StiffUpperNip]

I’m not entirely sure how to even articulate this.

I LOVE my DC. But, four months in, I’m finding parenthood both exhausting and quite dull. At all points in time, I seem to be entertaining, feeding or trying to get a baby to sleep. It’s all a bit relentless. My husband helps, but he’s at work all day.

Also, there’s so much activity! Sometimes, I’d like to have a leisurely shower and then sit and read a book. Or do some yoga. Or make myself a nice lunch. In silence. I really miss just pottering about quietly.

Everyone I speak to assures me I’ll miss this period. So, I assume I’m currently meant to be enjoying myself. But, I’m really not. I’m not having a good time. Is this hugely abnormal? Does anyone have any tips (that aren’t ‘get out and about’)?

Just writing this has made me feel guilty.

Exactly the kind of patronising, vacuous shite that makes new mothers depressed if they aren't "loving every minute".

I found the first year boring, lonely, and relentless because it was. There was nothing to cherish in endlessly pacing the floor at 4am while my baby screamed and I wondered if I might actually die of tiredness. I was still a good mother, and it got better.

Ps. I also had one of those seeeeeriously high maintenance babies who was only happy when in motion and/or doing something, and went from bored to overstimulated very, very quickly, and also was willing to be put down NEVER. He pinged awake the second the car or pram stopped moving. The only thing he would sleep in without motion was the sling. Baby yoga, needless to say, was a failure.

"Enjoy your sandwich while they gurgle"? Hilarious.

Some babies are easier to look after than others.
My first was chilled, cuddly - I went to a lot of cafes, watched boxsets on the sofa, had long baths while he napped in the bouncer etc.
My 3rd screamed all evening regardless of what you did, would only sleep in a moving pram, wouldn't take a dummy.
(These two were both easy toddlers though - middle child was an easy baby and nightmare toddler )

Some things I did with the tricky 3rd one which made life easier - lots of walks in the pram, once she screamed herself to sleep I could stop in a cafe or something.
Got her on my back in the sling from 4 months - meant I could still do things like cooking.
Jumperoo and a swing seat that I could put on full blast. White noise machine. I don't think they were around at the time but if they had been I'd have got a pram rocker.

Unfortunately, the 'just pottering around quietly'/pleasing yourself years are gone for now. It's an adjustment.
I found I got that time back when my youngest was about 5ish.

Also, for my sanity I needed a routine and really established one between 4-6 months. I needed to know when I was reliably getting my break.
Initially naps were walking in the pram/sling but once the timing of the naps were established (body clock was used to sleeping at 8.30/12/4 or whatever) then I started to work on falling asleep in the pram at home.

He would just always fall asleep in my arms after a boob. And cuddle in.

I definitely didn't really enjoy young babies either. Generally I enjoyed them more as they got older, which was actually not such a bad thing. It meant I didn't spend the teenager years pining for the toddler years. They are 20/21 now and great company. They turned out all right, despite me not loving having babies. I'd have quite liked a larger family, but only if I could skip the first 5 years. I went back to work quite early and have no regrets.

Also, babies do vary, hugely. My second born was infinitely lower maintenance than my first. To be honest, he probably still is! He also slept much better, which helps. If he had been the first born and might possibly have enjoyed the new baby time more, but I don't think it would ever have been my first choice way to spend the days.

Small babies are pretty relentless and it is hard. Some babies don’t like to be put down (mine!) or some cry a lot and that can be harder. Mine only really napped on me or in a carrier or in a pram. I tried to watch some5ing or read a book when they slept on me. When I wanted them to sleep in the carrier or pram, I tried to go for a nice walk or somewhere I would find interesting.

Don’t drive yourself mind thinking this is the best bit. It’s okay for it not to be. Also sometimes it is easier to remember the cuddles at a distance when the tiredness and monotony has faded a bit from your memory!

it can be a hard adjustment. I bet you’re doing a great job, don’t be too hard on yourself.

You haven't done anything wrong. Babies are born with innate personalities and some of the m just won't sleep without being held. Other new mothers with chillaxed babies that just go to sleep anywhere do not comprehend this.

Mine had silent reflux so was uncomfortable a lot of the time. I'm glad I held and comforted her but bloody hell it was boring and lonely.

4 - 5 months was a really hard time for us too. My daughter had reflux, she napped poorly during the day, woke a few times at night, wanted constant attention & we had covid in the middle of it all too lol (not all of us at once, but one by one for each, so it felt like forever). If I remember correctly, around the 6 month mark it got easier when she was able to sit independently and play, she fell into a reliable 2 nap routine (one nap usually out walking with pram while I listened to podcasts or audiobooks, or in the car with a drive-thru coffee), she was weaning so I could hand her something to eat while I ate at home or in a coffee shop etc.
It’s fine not to enjoy that stage you’re at, it is hard and you’re not doing anything wrong, it just very much depends on the baby but even they change all the time too. Make sure you still get those chances to have a bath, or read or do yoga by letting your partner take over for a while xx

Babies are so boring OP. Wonderful but boring! I adopted my son just after he turned one and people always ask if I’m sad I missed out on that first year - I can say in all honesty I am not!

It's fucking shit and I really think people need to be more honest about how gruelling it is.

My 4 yr old doesn't stop talking. Like actually just doesn't stop. I just want silence.

My baby wouldn't allow me to do any of those things you list when under 6 months. OP I also thought there must be something wrong with me/my baby but I know now from speaking with others that some babies are just like that. And my baby absolutely hated carrycot of pram so no nice walks with a sleeping baby like I'd imagined.

Normal

No, there's nothing wrong with you. My daughter wasn't happy unless she was picked up, and only slept if she was on me, in the pram.or car. In fact she only ever contact napped- I was jealous of people who could put their baby down for a nap. Motherhood is crushingly dull at times, especially when they are tiny and can't do anything. Unfortunately social.media etc push the notion that parents should love every minute, and if you dont, what's wrong with you?!?. More realistic viewpoints should be the dominant ones

Also, there’s so much activity! Sometimes, I’d like to have a leisurely shower and then sit and read a book. Or do some yoga. Or make myself a nice lunch. In silence. I really miss just pottering about quietly.

Every single parent in the world misses this. You have to lean into it and embrace it because those days aren't coming back any time soon and fighting against it just makes it worse.

i could have written this post except I’m 1 month behind you. Some really helpful suggestions on this thread - I’m going to try the sling more. Babies have different temperaments and some are more high maintenance than others. I know I could not just leave baby on playmat to gurgle while I make sandwich lol. She will only sleep on me in the day, and will start crying when I attempt to pop her down. Nothing wrong with what you’re doing - don’t feel guilty!

You are not alone.
I'm really not cut out to be a mother.
I really miss just being by myself and only thinking about myself.
I wish I was working full time plus overtime sometimes and sleep in the office if I was being really honest

Hang in there all sounds perfectly normal motherhood is definitely not a walk in a park. And you never get the hang of it it's like a big rollercoaster you can't get off I've currently got a nearly 16 year old DD and a nearly 2year old DS. If you can try and find something for yourself in all the madness even if it's just 30mins here and there. I feel like a robot at the moment and sometimes you do just need to breath but don't feel guilty about not enjoying it just try and be engaged with your child and find simple things to enjoy together

I would say you've got another 6 years of this (more if you have another child). Even now, I dream of being able to read the paper with a cup of tea in my PJs on a Sunday morning. And my youngest is 8!

I think what someone mentioned upthread might be useful for your sanity.

You wouldn't have previously been reading a book, or doing yoga or having a lazy lunch in the middle of a weekday, you'd have been at work. Presumably at evenings and weekends when you may have been doing this things, your partner will be around so you can take it in turns.

My daughter was just like you describe, not a moments peace. If you are someone who craves being alone you really need to ask your partner to mind baby for time away to be yourself. I struggle with asking for this 6 years into motherhood and it has done me no favours. Schedule a regular couple of hours to yourself for your mental health.

Every baby is different and this period is tough.

My mum used to tell me “how can something so tiny and innocent make the whole family cry” and this was after sleep deprivation; getting used to your new body; new routine; getting to know this new person and I guess they don’t give much back apart from cuteness at this stage.

It does go quickly and I think as they grow that period becomes a blur. So people that are making you feel that it should be rosy, are probably remembering the good parts over the reality.

Hey @Birch101 i see you and hear you. I am also not cut out for motherhood.

You prob need a break lovely. A few hours to yourself. It's so hard being a 1st time mum knowing what to do and it's all a learning curve. I have a 12 year old and a 16 month old and the gap meant it was like starting all over again. I have wobbles all the time because it is hard being a mum. It's exhausting and when your not getting enough sleep or time to yourself it's hard to feel upbeat. Have you been going to any baby classes? I didn't do any on my 1st and this time round I pushed myself to go and it helped alot with my moods etc. Being out of the house and doing things.. also going for walks or a drive will help alot as alot of the time they are more content out and about in the pushchair or car. Slings are good too I used them alot for getting my little one off to sleep as he would fight me if I tried to cuddle him but the sling he would settle straight away.

Don't beat yourself up your not the only mother to feel like this. Xx