To worry I’m not doing this (motherhood) properly?

[StiffUpperNip]

I’m not entirely sure how to even articulate this.

I LOVE my DC. But, four months in, I’m finding parenthood both exhausting and quite dull. At all points in time, I seem to be entertaining, feeding or trying to get a baby to sleep. It’s all a bit relentless. My husband helps, but he’s at work all day.

Also, there’s so much activity! Sometimes, I’d like to have a leisurely shower and then sit and read a book. Or do some yoga. Or make myself a nice lunch. In silence. I really miss just pottering about quietly.

Everyone I speak to assures me I’ll miss this period. So, I assume I’m currently meant to be enjoying myself. But, I’m really not. I’m not having a good time. Is this hugely abnormal? Does anyone have any tips (that aren’t ‘get out and about’)?

Just writing this has made me feel guilty.

Welcome to parenthood I fucking HATED the baby stage, couldn't wait for it to end. She's ten now, and the only thing I miss about the baby stage is her cuteness and cuddles. That's literally it. It's such hard work. I used to look at people and think are they honestly enjoying this? They made it look so natural. People would say to me 'I bet you can't imagine life without her now?' I'd smile and say, 'no I can't'. Whilst thinking in my head, yes I fucking can, I slept and had time to myself and did what I wanted when I wanted! But of course, it's not socially acceptable to say that as mothers is it?

I tell you what though, the time passes QUICK, doesn't feel like it when you're in the middle of it, but it does and things do get better then they get hard again then better then hard and so on until you die because parenting does not end at 18 years of age.

I am very fond of my ten year old now, I liked her at 3, then again at 5 and 6, disliked her at 7. I quite like this age as she does make me belly laugh at times and her company is good. But sometimes she grunts at me and shouts at me for breathing. She also thinks I was born in the olden days (1992) lord help us.

It will pass, you don't need to enjoy it, just get through it and one day you'll be like 'oh this isn't totally unbearable today'. And don't worry about activities every day. Worst thing I did was over entertain my daughter - consequence is she's never been very good amusing herself.

Some people really like the baby stage, other people hate it and prefer other ages.

There's an assumption, 'golden myth' that early motherhood is sublime and all love doused in breast milk and warm cuddles.

Great if that's your experience.

If it's not, it doesn't make you any less of a mother or a person. There is no secret, no knack. People are different. I have colleagues who outwardly said to me they went back to work when their child was very little because they couldn't stand it, and much preferred when their child was slightly older. I find that kind of honesty and realism so refreshing and helpful.

My child is just two. I still feel like I'm meant to be in joyous raptures when actually what I often want is quiet and still.

It's ok to want and need your own space, your own time and your own body not being touched constantly. Posters/commenters who say otherwise are perpetuating a myth that is designed to make women feel shit.

Keep going. Carve out some space for yourself if you can.

It's very overwhelming. Nothing can prepare you for it. I'm still in shock and mind are 11 and 13. Those years go by so quickly.

Don't feel guilty! I felt like that, especially at 4 months, with the constant feeding and getting to sleep which was hard work! I even posted on here about not feeling "at home" in my own house and losing my peace. Now at 15m, DD goes to sleep on her own with no fuss or rocking etc, is off the bottle and can play (a little bit) by herself.
I have found motherhood a little boring tbh, and I still miss my quiet pottering about too. It has got so much better though, now that she's moving about, learning to talk etc and eats solids.
It's such a big adjustment that im still getting used to. Do you have any family that might take baby for a few hours so you get your peace back for a little bit? I've found that very helpful!
You don't have to enjoy all of it!

You’re not alone my love, it’s bloody hard work. The first year of your first baby is without a doubt the most difficult. And it sounds like you don’t have the easiest baby so I really sympathise. I promise with time things will get easier and you’ll feel yourself again.The struggle of motherhood shapes you into a much more empathetic and patient person and it’s all so worth it in the end. You’re doing great! You’ll look back in a couple of years and it’ll be a crazy blur but for now you just have to keep on going. X

The early months are dull and exhausting in equal measure. I have a 2yo and a 4mo and I wish I appreciated the time more with DC1 because I don’t have that with DC2. I wouldn’t say I miss it though, I love the toddler stage way more than the baby stage. You’re doing great. I found the word rhythm more helpful that routine in the first year.

You can definitely still do that with a baby! Maybe not as much as you would or when you want but it is possible. Put baby in sling while you make your nice lunch, or in a bouncer in the kitchen. Put them on their playmat while you do yoga, or get them involved! Lots of areas do mum and baby yoga classes too where you can take your baby along and pop them on the mat while you do yoga. Go for a walk and stop at a coffee shop and read your book while they snooze. Work on getting them to nap in the cot - it can sometimes take work but it is possible, you need to be consistent and stick with it though.

Never do something while they’re asleep that you can do while they’re awake, so leave the housework for when they’re awake and do something you enjoy instead.

I am in the baby phase for a second time now and yes the days are long but I think this time I just know how quickly it goes. I won’t miss the monotony to some extent but I will miss them being this little. Also I have a lot more free time to do what I want on days where I just have the baby with me, than with the baby and toddler.

I’m with you on the quietness though, I’ve become so noise sensitive since having kids. Now love nothing more than sitting in absolute silence. They do get louder as they get older though, but with that comes more fun.

Do you have a sling library near by? They can help you find one that works for you and baby, without potentially it costing you a fortune.

There is nothing wrong with you or your baby!
My first was like you are describing, needing entertaining while he was awake. He also rarely ever slept and couldn't be put down for naps unless we were fine with the naps only lasting 20 mins. He is 3 now and still lively and still Hayes sleeping.
I had imagined the baby stage to give me moments where I could walk around galleries and calmly paint at home with DS entertaining himself but I couldn't. However I could easily do that with second child!
I've got a 3 month old who only wants cuddles and smiles when awake, doesn't want much rocking or much entertainment and to be honest has a completely different vibe.
My point is babies already have their personalities, you can't decide much about them or turn them into completely different people so you are not doing something wrong at all, it's just that your baby is not a cooer but a dooer. When they are older you will think, ah your baby stage made sense now.

I remember this and was in London, DC1 was a bit like your DC, it was an exhausting blur. I used to go for a daily walk in the park, with the pram, natural light helped me.

DC2 was a cuddly, snoozy, relaxed baby thank god!

Babies are lovely but boring and hard work.
I saved myself by going to lots of different groups, finding some friends (some groups were duds), and going out a lot for lunch, drinking lots of wine, going for pub walks and talking about anything other than out children.

I remember feeling that way as mine had to be held a lot and i ended up holding her for naps in the first year. She refused to go in the cot. She’d sleep in car though so sometimes I’d drive around listening to music, eating sweets and enjoy my own headspace while she slept. It did suddenly get better at 6 months though but the most tired i was I think was around 5 months. I didn’t enjoy mat leave at first but it was covid times from her being 6 months. I didn’t have the energy for baby groups etc before then and thought it would only add to my stress for me and DD. i got an ergobaby sling though and helped a bit for me to go out and about but was tricky to put on by myself. I lived rurally and didn’t know may people so felt really lonely in the early months. W eventuality got a routine and I looked forward to her eventual long naps so i could watch my shows on ipad while i held her (and eat treats 1 handed).

You’re right in the thick of it just now. I can categorically assure you that if you’re anything like me you won’t miss it. It’s easy to look back with rose tinted glasses on the calm snuggly moments though because babies change so quickly. You couldn’t pay me enough to do it again though. Don’t worry, you’re doing just fine.

I found 0-12 months so hard, lonely and anxiety inducing. Despite having a wonderful mums group and family network.

12-18 months were still hard and stressful, maybe even more so as DC started nursery and was ill non stop so work was hard.

18-24 months started to look up slightly

2 years plus has been so much better

Just reached 3 years and even better.

Three suggestions from me:

Have you tried a jumperoo? My first was so incredibly happy in his

Podcasts/audiobooks made the time pass much more easily for me

Do you have any friends who might be willing to take the baby for an hour or so? Mine are school age now and I would happily bounce a friend's baby for an hour and then give them back relieved

I think it sounds like you've got a baby that harder work than some. Even babies have personalities and what works for one won't work for another. My first allowed me to potter. My second didn't, they had to be constantly entertained, didn't sleep etc. However at 7 months we sleep trained and that gave me some time back when they napped. And now she is often my easier child, she is fine playing by herself and often just gets on with things as she likes 'doing'.

I remember the shock of my second, when I couldn't go to cafes like my first, who would happily sit and play in her high chair. They wanted to get out high chairs the minute after finishing a snack, would chuck things, but I couldn't have them on me as they would pull my hair, knock over a drink etc. I do not look back at that time fondly!

Sometimes, I’d like to have a leisurely shower and then sit and read a book. Or do some yoga. Or make myself a nice lunch. In silence. I really miss just pottering about quietly.

Surely you never did these things in the middle of the day anyway as you were working? It isn't really a fair comparison.

When your husband gets home from work why can't you go to the bedroom and read a book or do some yoga? Or get out of the house for a yoga class?

Yes, I agree with taking your fancy new sling (hope baby does like this!!) to a local sling meet up or sling library and seeing if they can give you any pointers. It's hard to learn to use things like that from online tutorials or paper instructions.

But what is demanding? What does that look like?

Is it full on screaming and upset? She can moan a bit. She’ll be fine. I’m a sling wearing cosleeping extended BF crunchy type- but I still believe that babies can have a little bit of a moan and a strop whilst mum looks after themselves. Red faced devastation is one thing. You crack on with your sandwich or painting your toenails. Narrate what you are doing. Sing songs.

have you tried a playmat with lots of
dangly toys to keep her occupied?

I used to read with DD in a bouncer, I’d tap her with my foot to keep her going as I read

Something to try today- set your yoga up and put her on a mat next to you, go back to her intermittently and move her little arms and legs. Give her a kiss. Do your yoga.

have you gone to your local baby cinema session? Coffee, cake and the new releases? Baby in a sling whilst you take a breather?

sorry if my post was knobbish. Really not my intention. These days are hard and the lack of sleep is real- you just need to find your personal hacks/tricks get some you time in the day

And if you have a Velcro screaming baby who won’t tolerate bouncer or playmat then her dad needs to be giving you appropriate respite when he is back. Not
to cook or clean. A proper break.

I hear you OP, I'm read descriptions of babies gurgling on mats whilst you do yoga or napping in a pram whilst you have coffee and a read in a cafe and its so far removed from anything my son would have allowed at that age that (in hindsight) it makes me laugh. He was similar to yours, always wanted to be doing something, if he was awake he wanted entertaining and no chance he'd ever sleep in the pram. I can look back now and realise that was just how he was wired and it wasn't me doing anything 'wrong', but at the time I was convinced that one of me or my baby (possibly both) was broken.

The good news for me is that as he got older he got far easier - I think he just found being a baby boring and frustrating. With every milestone he hit - sitting, crawling, cruising, walking - he got happier and more easily entertained. He'll be 2 next month and he's definitely one of the mellower toddlers I've met!

There’s nothing wrong with your baby. Babies have different temperaments, just like adults. There are (apparently) some who lie happily on the floor staring at sunbeams , poking their tongues out, rarely mewling a little.

However, mine certainly weren’t like that! They were like yours - very alert and intense and demanding right away, hated the sling, wanted constant playing and attention and changes of scenery. They didn’t seem to enjoy being babies and I didn’t much enjoy looking after them!

Hence, they both got up and walked very early, from 8 months. It got better after that, as they could walk around and get into things and occupy their curious active little minds.

They were much more enjoyable to parent as their little personalities emerged as well! It gets better OP!

Don’t feel guilty. I felt exactly the same. The loss of freedom and basic autonomy, never being able to switch off or relax, is really exhausting.

Make sure to take some time for yourself to recharge at weekends, even if it’s to take yourself out for a coffee alone.

YANBU babies are boring as fuck most of the time

I'm counting down the days until I start work again, maternity leave is a drag.

The only people I know who have enjoyed maternity leave are those with little prospects in life and have quite mundane jobs, those who aren’t that bright or those with seriously stressful jobs who needed the break before having a meltdown.

also ignore the absolutely ridiculous post from @BulbasaurBloom - enjoy your sandwich while they gurgle? Perlease

You're in the eye of the storm. I found this period by far the hardest, you’ve got entrenched sleep deprivation, the baby is starting to need more entertaining, and then the 4 month sleep regression sets in…

Mine wasn’t much of a sleeper and when she was awake she demanded to be held or entertained. There was no way I could have a coffee whilst she lay on a play mat! She’s actually way easier as a toddler and I vastly prefer this stage.

Keep at it it does get easier but also, just give yourself a break.

I felt like this. I like being on my own, and I'm sorry but that includes my baby. The first six months are bloody hard. There was a sweet spot around 7/8 months, when they can entertain themselves a bit but aren't desperate to be off and crawling/on a kamikaze mission, that was a nice time.

It gets easier, OP. I promise. In the meantime, you need a bit of time to yourself. Demand some time off - your husband takes the baby out for a couple of hours at the weekend, and you pootle at home. Have a daytime bath, do your nails, read a book, whatever you used to do. You'll feel much better. (Do NOT use the time to do housework!!!)