To worry I’m not doing this (motherhood) properly?

[StiffUpperNip]

I’m not entirely sure how to even articulate this.

I LOVE my DC. But, four months in, I’m finding parenthood both exhausting and quite dull. At all points in time, I seem to be entertaining, feeding or trying to get a baby to sleep. It’s all a bit relentless. My husband helps, but he’s at work all day.

Also, there’s so much activity! Sometimes, I’d like to have a leisurely shower and then sit and read a book. Or do some yoga. Or make myself a nice lunch. In silence. I really miss just pottering about quietly.

Everyone I speak to assures me I’ll miss this period. So, I assume I’m currently meant to be enjoying myself. But, I’m really not. I’m not having a good time. Is this hugely abnormal? Does anyone have any tips (that aren’t ‘get out and about’)?

Just writing this has made me feel guilty.

I truly did not enjoy the baby stage at all. It was relentless and unrewarding and I have not missed one minute of it since it ended! I have often said that if I could have children handed to me at 1 year old I would have five but I don’t think I can go through the baby stage again!

My son is now three and it is so, so, so much better now. I genuinely love every day we have together, he’s so cute and funny, it’s a daily joy. Him sleeping and just having that tiny bit more independence has changed everything.

All I can say is hang in there. It gets so, SO much better. So much more rewarding, playful, interesting. Babies are boring and hard work. Young children are magic. It’s going to get better ♥️

I always read things like this with such absolute envy because this was NOT possible with my son when he was a baby 😭 he had horrific reflux, simply could not be put down, couldn’t be worn in a sling unless I was upright and moving, couldn’t be laid flat, couldn’t be placed on his stomach, couldn’t sleep unless held, screamed blue murder if placed in a cot. I spent the entire first six months of his life on my feet with him in the sling or sitting down with him attached to my boob. He also didn’t sleep for more than an hour at a time, night or day. I honestly thought I might die.

I swear that anyone who loved the newborn stage would have felt differently if they had had my son! I adored him but he was a very, very tricky newborn.

He’s now the most heavenly, angelic, adorable 3yo so I consider this my reward for surging year one!

If you're in central London start going to the cinema. A lot. The baby cinema is cheap, you see films while they breastfeed, it gets you out, you sometimes get free cake and coffee, and you might get chatting to some other new mums. But get a move on because once they start crawling it isn't as fun. (I agree with others that there are more other rewards at that age.)

Fundamentally your child won't remember anything that happens to them for at least a year and a half, probably longer. Obviously they need to be loved and comforted and nurtured, but they don't need to do activities that look good in photos/ on Instagram. And I think at that age breastfeeding is cuddling: or; alternatively, they don't want a cuddle without nosing round for a snack.

Don’t listen to the people with the happy gurgly babies, they have no idea how lucky they are. Those of us with the other kind are totally sympathetic. My NCT friend and I used to say it was like being the cleaner on a nuclear submarine - the most intensely stressful and simultaneously boring thing imaginable.

Only one suggestion. I was also a reluctant co-sleeper. The compromise we found was to put her cot alongside our bed, on blocks so the mattresses were the same height. Rolled up towel down the far side to push the cot mattress up hard against ours and make sure there’s no way for a gap to creep in. I could put her down next to me, so she was happy, but then have enough space for me and partner to actually sleep too. Made it much more bearable.

It is dull, tiring, overwhelming and constant of what feels like the same thing over and over in a cycle. You are a great mother otherwise you wouldn't be questioning yourself. Then comes the guilt..... ignore it just do your best and be kind to yourself. Take time out when ever you get the opportunity. If you don't have a support network (I didnt/dont) you learn to just roll with it as crap as it is or may seem. It us rubbish not to be able to just take off and do what ever you want. But, the little person always comes first no matter how your feeling we just some how adapt and seem to cope. That's a mum super power I guess. Take care and keep your chin up.... it will get better or easier its a big change having a little person wanting you for everything all of a sudden. It can be suffocating and a sense of feeling trapped sometimes...... normal emotions xx

You will back at work soon and all will seem much brighter - promise.

I really didn't mind the newborn stage. I'm very lucky though because she's always loved to sleep and she will sleep pretty much anywhere (pushchair, carseat, floor on a blanket etc). In the newborn days I was exhausted from recovering from birth and breastfeeding/pumping milk was definitely tedious at times but I also found it easier because they sleep alot more I could chill and watch TV for hours and not feel guilty for it. I did love it when her dad would takeover so I could have a nice hot shower or eat my dinner etc but I was happy to have her back in my arms again and we would go out for lots of little walks which was lovely. It's just not for everyone.

I'd also highly recommend a Mum & baby exercise class. There's loads nowadays.
Normally have a playpen in the middle to stick the younger ones in or they'd be in their buggy or whatever. Our instructor was really good at settling fussy babies too but if anyone needed to they could stop and give a boob or bottle or go do a nappy change or whatever. I found it a really supportive environment and wish I'd started it sooner as once DS got too mobile I had to stop.

Sounds like you have a bit of a high needs baby. My friend has one and she got a lot less clingy/ demanding when she could crawl and explore herself. There's no real answer to any of it other to to wait it out and make sure someone takes over to get a break. I second once they can sit up themselves or even better be distracted with food it does feel easier. But don't feel guilty for not loving it, it's really shit and boring a lot of the time. Four months was the worst time for me, it got better after that.

I HATED the 4 month stage. I was so depressed and struggling with everything you mention. Absolutely don't miss it at all. I also have a baby who would definitely not let me do yoga/read/have a nice lunch while happily gurgling next to me! It's nothing you are doing wrong- some babies are just more high-maintenance than others.

Things are so much easier now she is older (10.5 months). I'd say they have been steadily getting better since about 4.5 months. Hang in there, OP- you are not doing anything wrong, I promise you. Xxx

Also please ignore posters like @HulaChick who are clearly perfect in every way, unlike the rest of us mere mortals...

It must be hard for you to reflect on the fact that as you go through life, you leave those you meet worse off for having had the misfortune to encounter you.

I feel for you - my ds was exactly like this. I tried going to baby groups etc and he just screamed through them. I'd sit looking at all the other mummies with their happy cooing babies and wonder what I was doing wrong. The answer - nothing wrong at all - he just hated being a baby I think! He probably had reflux too - was only really happy being carried vertically - so that's worth investigating.

It turned a corner at around 6 months. Possibly when he started on solid food or possibly just moving to the next developmental stage. He definitely became more contented and I found it easier when he was more interactive.

I hated the first 6 months - after that I loved every stage more than the last (until about 14 which brought a whole load more challenges!!)

Mind when he was about 10 months he went to my mum's overnight for three first time and my dh took me away for 1 night for our anniversary. What was the best bit of the trip.... The west end show, the food, drink, hotel, even the sex? No my favourite bit was sitting blissfully for 3 hours on the train reading a new book!!

Hang in there - it will get better and you're definitely not a bad mum!

@MatildaonMain - actually, no, people do not feel like that & you have no right to say that based on 2 posts on this thread. I am giving my opinion to the OP in resonse to her post as that is what she is posting for. Having a bitch, which is what you are doing, is completely uncalled for.

Oh and my HV had just come back from her 3rd mat leave. She said her first 2 were easy happy babies and her 3rd was a "screamer". She said if she'd had that one first she probably wouldn't have had any more and she'd been desperate to get back to work! She said that as an experienced HV she tried everything with this baby and nothing had worked and it'd been hell for the first 6 months!

It made me feel a little better that if my HV/experienced mum couldn't stop her baby crying perhaps I wasn't doing too bad a job!

Have you considered… not being really horrible? To a new mum? Someone literally not even healed up from birth yet, someone really vulnerable, someone who could just really have done without you being so bloody nasty?

I honestly think MN is full of trolls at the moment, probably MRAs hell bent on making women feel like shit. @HulaChick feels like a classic example.

Agree. It’s just such an insane way to behave to a new mum, feels like it has to be a troll.

You are not saying you want to off your baby. Don't feel guilty mama. Your feels are very valid and quite normal. Hormones are still leveling out. As for an attempted solution, have you communicated with your husband about how you are feeling? Maybe he can give you a night a week to yourself ?

Actually, your responses to me make me feel like you are the trolls. If you knew me in real life, you would never consider calling me a troll. All I've done is respond to OP to say that she just needs to be the Mum and enjoy all her baby has to give her, and not expect to be able to do indulge in the same things she may have been able to do so before having her baby. I'm trying to encourage her to look at the positives of being a Mum and not feeling bored! How does that come across as trolling? I am so exasperated at how quickly people on MN jump down other peoples throats. I was writing one reply to OP, not to anyone else, and wouldn't have made any further comments and yet I'm being jumped on!

@HulaChick Please go away.

@StiffUpperNip - fine, no problem. It's your post and I respect that. I do not, however, respect the other posters jumping on me.

You deserved every second of it.