To be fuming?

[thereforthegrace]

My daughter plays with a girl round the corner from us. I trust her mum and my daughter has been on holiday with the girl (let’s call her Kelly). Today I was at work and my husband was working from home but had our daughter. Daughter is 9, 10 in march. Kelly has just turned 10.

As I’m driving home from work I pass Kelly’s mum in the car just near our houses. We wave. I get home and husband tells me that daughter is at Kelly’s house. I head round to Kelly’s house and her mums car is just pulling into her drive way.

The mum gets out the car and I say ‘is Kelly with you?’ She responds, ‘yeah I think they’re in the garden, I was just at the dump’. I just respond for her to get Kelly.

I am really very angry that she left my daughter in house alone with no adults and another 10 year old. Anything could have happened. My daughter says she wasn’t gone for long but says it happens often when she is there, the mum will go out to the shops etc.

I am going to write a text and right now I am too angry to word it nicely. Can anyone help with this? Also should I allow my daughter to play there again?

Her dad is at home a few doors away.

This sort of anxious aversion to any risk is detrimental to the development of older children.
It instils an unnecessary fear of independence in a child. A ten year old is quite capable of making decisions

Some older children suffer anxiety once the cotton wool is removed and they have to think for themselves/ take responsibility for themselves at secondary school.

Playing outside with a friend a stones throw from home is a great way to allow some independence.

I would be fine with this

Get a grip, they’re 10!

I don't think I'd send a text OP but I wouldn't be happy at my DC being left either. You have 2 options really, either you tell DD she is not allowed to go round to Kelly's house, or you tell her if Kelly's mum leaves the house, your DD must come back home, depends if you think she would follow instructions really

Yes, this is what I was trying to say. Getting a bus or walking a mile to school should be well within the ability of an NT 11yo but surely it's clear that it can present more possible (hopefully never more than that) dangers?

In comparison, 20 minutes home with a friend aged 9-10 is a very safe early step on the road to independence - which will include getting to school in a year or so's time.

She wasn't left by Kelly mum she was playing out with your DH at home. In effect DH has been dumped with the childcare.

@SmileyClare that’s not the point. I have an 18 year old at uni and he is extremely independent and we have let him have increasingly more freedom etc as he’s grown up. The point is what if something did happen when the adult is not there? How can you put someone else’s child under the supervision of a child the same age as that’s effectively what is happening here. I’m not saying don’t give kids independence and freedom. I’m saying don’t make a child responsible for another child in an adult’s absence. Two different things in my view….

Literally nothing to suggest op is in the USA? All language used in the op is typical British. If she were in the USA, I doubt the other mum would have said they were ‘in the garden’.

The point is what if something happened when the adult isn’t there?

Either girls could ring their parent- a mum 10 mins away, a dad a few doors down? Or they could manage as responsible older children until the mum returned after her errand? Knock on a neighbour’s door? Phone for help? Walk over to dds home?

At that age, children should be given some experience (in short periods) of being responsible for themselves and younger children and making decisions for themselves.

Its also important for older children to learn how to resolve problems or conflicts amongst themselves without adult input.

I've never heard a Brit call the tip the "dump". Only ever heard the tip or the skip.
Also never known anyone to be hysterical over a 10 year old being left alone in a house. Its reknowned to be an American thing.
Agree regarding "garden" though as they say "yard"

I would have left my sensible 10 year old for a short while, I would never leave somebody else's.

I'm in the UK and we call it the dump.

Technically they weren't left in the house alone. They were in the garden. At 10 my DD (now 33) was out playing on her bike and going to the park and stuff. Or had friends in the garden playing on the slide and swing. I didn't need her permanently in sight. She was sensible.

Dump and tip are interchangeable terms here!

Must be a regional thing. Fair enough 👌

I think it depends on the child. Many are fine to be left home alone, or with a friend, for a short time at that age, others are not. However, in Australia in some states it is illegal to leave children under the age of 12 years unattended.

Personal preference different for every parent I guess. I'd just be careful about it sounding like you're blaming her. My almost-10 yr old will go out to play with friends and will float between their houses, our house, the local park. I don't have an expectation at any point that any of the other parents are responsible for my child.

A schedule play date when they are younger is different, I would agree leaving them alone should be checked with you first.

All the people mentioning secondary.
The girls aren't y6, they are y5. They aren't 10 going on 11, they are 9.5 and just 10. Children mature at differing rates around those ages.

I'm from the South and its often call the dump here. Guess just different slang in different places 🤷‍♀️

I would say 10 is borderline for being left alone, I think more of my friends/family wouldn't than would TBH.

I would ask the other parent if I was leaving another child alone at my house at that age. At all ages I have checked with parents what they are ok with as some have very differing views so I think it's just courteous. My youngest is now 15 and curfews vary massively so I still check that and ensure parents are happy with arrangements.

I think this is the point isn't it, I have a 17 and 15 yo now and they are really sensible and fine to be left for the odd night (if our neighbours/my parents are available for any emergencies) I would still not be happy to assume any of my 15 yos friends would be ok overnight or allowed to (or would I necessarily be happy with some of them in my house without me there overnight), I would check with the parents if they are still school age. 16+ I wouldn't.

OP it’s not that long ago that it was the complete norm for children that age and younger to play by themselves in their neighbourhoods, unsupervised. It is to children’s detriment that this no longer happens.

Having that independence really helps their emotional, psychological and social development.

It’s not just fine they were left alone, it’s actually a good thing to build up their sense of capability at being able to manage being alone.

Ic you want your daughter to lose a local friend, go ahead and send that text.

But I think you would be better advised to see this as being about you learning to better manage your anxiety, and to start to consider ways to help your daughter build up her i dependence and capability.

Exactly this.

Sounds like the daughter took herself to her friend’s house. You cannot expect the mum at that house to then change her plans and just stay in to babysit. That’s completely unreasonable. And I’m sure the other mum would give short shrift to getting a scolding text in that circumstance.

Just let your dd know she and her friend are welcome to wander back to yours to play if the mum has to pop out?

No need to infantilise her.

Your husband is there during the day.

How lovely that your dd has a local friend for company in half term and a little freedom rather than be stuck at home while her father is working in his office.

Sorry wrong thread!