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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming?

179 replies

thereforthegrace · 19/10/2023 18:57

My daughter plays with a girl round the corner from us. I trust her mum and my daughter has been on holiday with the girl (let’s call her Kelly). Today I was at work and my husband was working from home but had our daughter. Daughter is 9, 10 in march. Kelly has just turned 10.

As I’m driving home from work I pass Kelly’s mum in the car just near our houses. We wave. I get home and husband tells me that daughter is at Kelly’s house. I head round to Kelly’s house and her mums car is just pulling into her drive way.

The mum gets out the car and I say ‘is Kelly with you?’ She responds, ‘yeah I think they’re in the garden, I was just at the dump’. I just respond for her to get Kelly.

I am really very angry that she left my daughter in house alone with no adults and another 10 year old. Anything could have happened. My daughter says she wasn’t gone for long but says it happens often when she is there, the mum will go out to the shops etc.

I am going to write a text and right now I am too angry to word it nicely. Can anyone help with this? Also should I allow my daughter to play there again?

OP posts:
rollonretirementfgs · 19/10/2023 21:13

zurala · 19/10/2023 19:12

I'm shocked at the responses on here! I wouldn't leave my children till about age 13, and I wouldn't leave someone else's child at all. If there's a playdate then I would be in.
I can't believe people would leave 10 year olds alone, let alone leave someone else's!

Agreed!

dandelionandburdock36 · 19/10/2023 21:13

I think she should have asked you if you minded, but I don’t think an angry text is appropriate either.

The girls have been left alone before and nothing happened so I think they’re more capable of keeping themselves safe than you realised. Also, your daughter likes Kelly’s house and Kelly.. if you start sending angry texts, you may take people and a place she likes from her. What’s more damaging, a situation where nothing happened or no longer being welcome at Kelly’s house/Kelly not being allowed at your house because you sent Kelly’s mum angry messages?

Fercullen · 19/10/2023 21:13

I have a 9 year old and I would be really shocked and unhappy if he was left home alone by another parent. I would sleep in it before sending the text but I would definitely say I wasn’t ok with it.

Sartre · 19/10/2023 21:15

No issue, they’re 10 not 5.

Hesma · 19/10/2023 21:21

@felisha54 I apologise… I was thinking along the line of the mother being so PFB. Nothing against only child

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 19/10/2023 21:22

TeenDivided · 19/10/2023 19:04

Between the ages of ~10-14 parents seem to have very differing views as to what is acceptable.

I wouldn't write an angry text. I'd have a calm discussion starting with 'I was a bit surprised you left the girls as we don't do that yet. Going forward I'd rather ....'

Things to discuss include at least

  • leaving on their own at the house
  • where allowed to go out of the house on their own
  • film and games age ratings
  • parental controls on internet

I think this is good advice. My DD is that age and no way would I leave her and a friend alone without checking with the parents. Most children are 11-12 n their first year of secondary school here. They're a lot more independent by then,

SlightlyJaded · 19/10/2023 21:23

At 11, most primaries consider that they are safe to walk to and from school - get on a bus if need be. So to be 10 and in the safety of a your home or your neighbour's home - with another person - doesn't seem very alarming to me.

Honeybee798 · 19/10/2023 21:25

I think it’s up to her what she wants to do with her child, but you don’t want your 9 year old being left alone unsupervised yet. You may not have prepared your child on what to do if an emergency occurs properly and how to be completely safe in the house whilst alone. That’s fine. She shouldn’t make those choices for you.

Goldbar · 19/10/2023 21:28

What's the arrangement between you and Kelly's mum for the girls to play together? If I had specifically arranged with the parents for a child to come over to play with mine (i.e. a playdate), I probably wouldn't leave them without letting the parents know. But I might feel differently if the children were used to popping in and out of each other's houses without a formal invite and I was happy to leave my own 10yo - your DD could easily come over when I wasn't there anyway.

LostThePot · 19/10/2023 21:35

Is your dd your eldest child and hers a younger sibling?

I find that I’m much more relaxed with my youngest dd than the parents of her friends who are the first born.

AmandasFleckerl · 19/10/2023 21:42

The mum gets out the car and I say ‘is Kelly with you?’ She responds, ‘yeah I think they’re in the garden, I was just at the dump’. I just respond for her to get Kelly.

and at 7pm you want to send a text? You missed your opportunity when you were face to face.

SmileyClare · 19/10/2023 21:45

You could have politely asked the mum to send the girls over to yours if she has to go on an errand next time?

Its a few doors away- dh is there wfh.

What on earth is the point in all this drama and angry texting when you could easily have had a conversation when you were there?

That doesn’t make a good MN thread I suppose Hmm

givemeasunnyday · 19/10/2023 21:45

CesareBorgia · 19/10/2023 18:59

I'd have thought at 10 they could be left for short periods, but perhaps I'm just old.

I must be old also, as I can't see what the issue is. I'm pretty sure I spent time at home alone when I was 10 - and about to start secondary school.

billy1966 · 19/10/2023 21:45

ZekeZeke · 19/10/2023 19:01

Don't send a text.
If you don't want your daughter left unsupervised then keep her home.

This.

Do not send a text in anger, when the girls are pals.

Don't spoil this for your child.

Have them at yours more, but don't act out of anger.

McIntire · 19/10/2023 21:48

I also think you should be led by your DD
If she was ok with it, then it’s fine

Mouldyuck · 19/10/2023 21:49

Sleep on it. See how you feel tomorrow

Someoneonlyyouknow · 19/10/2023 21:53

The mum obviously thinks it's fine so didn't feel the need to tell you it was happening. Your daughter goes on her own to the friend's house presumably.

Starzinsky · 19/10/2023 22:09

I think it's quite normal to let a 10 year out go out to play and being in a friends house is much safer than a park without adult supervision.

Dillane · 19/10/2023 22:11

Get a grip OP

Allloveisbeautiful · 19/10/2023 22:12

Surely the point here is that if they are left on their own the child who lives in the house is effectively having to be responsible for her friend and adults should not leave their children in case something does happen. It’s more to do with accountability of the ‘responsible adult’. If something did happen in the adults absence that would be a huge burden for the child to have to live with. Yea they’re 10 and it’s only half an hour but even so it’s risky…

Frasers · 19/10/2023 22:18

Op is your child never allowed out alone? At what’s age will you allow this?

you aren’t doing her any favours here. She should be able to be alone at a friends house. What do you feel will happen?

Ap42 · 19/10/2023 22:19

I started leaving my now 11 year old son for short trips at that age. As it's the norm in her house she probably sees no issue with it?
That said, I would always check with the other parent before leaving them.
My son now has a front door key and I left for several hours at a time (mainly when he doesn't want to join in an activity with his younger sister)

lljkk · 19/10/2023 22:21

Assuming OP is somewhere in USA, it's increasingly explicitly illegal for kids this young to be left alone at all. I follow Free Range Kids so I don't agree with it, but it is the fashion o'er there.

purpleme12 · 19/10/2023 22:21

My child is 10.
I would be fuming if someone did this.
Quite one thing to make a decision for your child and quite another to leave someone else's child alone while they're supposed to be in your care at 10!

AuntMarch · 19/10/2023 22:28

But we don't know if she was supposed to be in the other parents care, that parent may not have known she was even coming, OP hasn't said. And probably won't, seeing as these replies are probably not what she was expecting!

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