To be fuming?

[thereforthegrace]

My daughter plays with a girl round the corner from us. I trust her mum and my daughter has been on holiday with the girl (let’s call her Kelly). Today I was at work and my husband was working from home but had our daughter. Daughter is 9, 10 in march. Kelly has just turned 10.

As I’m driving home from work I pass Kelly’s mum in the car just near our houses. We wave. I get home and husband tells me that daughter is at Kelly’s house. I head round to Kelly’s house and her mums car is just pulling into her drive way.

The mum gets out the car and I say ‘is Kelly with you?’ She responds, ‘yeah I think they’re in the garden, I was just at the dump’. I just respond for her to get Kelly.

I am really very angry that she left my daughter in house alone with no adults and another 10 year old. Anything could have happened. My daughter says she wasn’t gone for long but says it happens often when she is there, the mum will go out to the shops etc.

I am going to write a text and right now I am too angry to word it nicely. Can anyone help with this? Also should I allow my daughter to play there again?

I think 9/10 is a reasonable age to be leaving children alone for maybe half an hour or so. However, at that age, I would definitely have checked with parents first that they were OK with it.

Honesty, for the person who wouldn't leave a child alone for half an hour until age THIRTEEN - that's neglectful and failing to teach them age appropriate skills (unless there's SN at play, of course). From age 9/10 upwards, it is in the child's best interest to start building their confidence and getting them to practise independence in a safe way.

Did she offer to look after your dd invite her over or did your dd just go knock and see if her dd was playing out? If your dd just knocked then it's not the mothers responsibility to look after her.

Ideally, she should have checked with you - that's just a sensible precaution, and polite to the other parent.

I have a 10yo and would happily leave him for half an hour or so to do an errand if he had a friend over, but would always check that the friend's mum was happy for me to do this.

YADBU to be 'fuming'. Soon enough your DD will be in secondary school and now is the perfect time to be gradually encouraging more independence in a safe controlled manner (which effectively this is). Yes, the other mum should have let you know what she was doing, but it hardly counts as gross negligence.

Agree with the others, calm down. Do not send that salty text.

Youre too angry to text?

Massive over reaction.

Her dad is just round the corner if she needs him.

This is a great age to allow a little bit of independence; playing with a friend just yards away from home.

Why were you asking was ‘Kelly’ with her and then asking her to get ‘Kelly’? Surely you meant your dd?…

I wouldn’t do this if one of my dc had a friend round at that age because although I trusted my own 10 year old If I needed to nip to the cornershop for 5 minutes or go to my neighbours for 10 minutes, I wouldn’t necessarily trust a child I didn’t know so well.
I’d have at least texted the other parent to check if they were okay with it.
I would absolutely not be going batshit crazy if this had happened to my dc though, at 10 mine were walking the half a mile to school independently across 2 main roads and building up their critical thinking skills. Being alone unsupervised for short periods of time help them with this.

op, you are over reacting! 10 yr old take the trains in NYC, might be time to ease up a bit.

at ten I remember playing at my friends home while her parents weren’t in, although we knew where they were. It was never a problem!

unless your child has no sense…

You let her go on holiday with them but you are now fuming she left them to go to the dump?
That doesnt add up.
And if you text me that you were, after i taking her on holidays, well you would not end up on the best side of that conversation.
End of friendship and good neighbour vibes all round.
Catch yourself on.

Yes Yabu. But I suspect you’re a bit gutted to hear that.

If you text me, your child would never be in my house again, whether I was there or not. Especially if I had taken them on holiday! If your child walked there themselves then I don’t see the big deal at all!?

Granted it’s not ideal but let your anger pass for tonight then rethink tomorrow. For your daughters friendship more than anything.

I would check with another parent as I know everyone is different.

I don't think it's a problem though (and I am generally very protective of DS who is 10 next month).

We can now leave DS for short periods. For example, if I am popping into the village for something, he may choose to stay home. Its a 5 minute drive each way and I would only be popping into the co op or post office, so probably 20 minutes max.

DS is sensible. He knows not to open the door to strangers but equally, knows how to unlock in case of emergency. We have lovely neighbours who we know well, so he knows he can go there if there is an issue and he can use a phone.

Was it an organised play date in which the other mum invited your DD round? Or do you the girls just call round for each other, play out in the street/park/each others gardens?

If it’s the latter I think YABVU but even if it’s the former i think YABU they’re 10, you need to unclench!

Don't send the text.

I also wouldn’t text you to check it was ok if your child had just turned up at my house. More context needed here.

Was this a planned play date or did your child just walk over there? Sounds like the latter, if you didn’t know about it! Why is it ok for your child to walk over there but not to be in the house alone? Why did your child even go there? Aren’t you annoyed your husband let her go and then didn’t know anything about the situation?

Mine are 9 and 14. But secondary is from 11 up so that part of your post is not relevant. I wouldn't leave primary age children alone to go anywhere other than very next door for a couple of minutes.

2 10 year olds should be fine for half an hour op, they’re not 4.

I dropped and collected my eldest at secondary because that's what she preferred and it was on the way to my son's primary anyway.
But my main issue is with leaving someone else's child without checking it's ok. If you are in loco parentis then you should be present unless specifically told it's ok to leave them. I honestly wouldn't expect any visiting child to be left alone though.

At 10 this wouldn’t bother me. I wouldn’t be upset or text the mum.

Most accidents happen in the home.

Mine were fine to be left alone at 10 with strict instructions, but no way would I have left either of them alone with a friend at that age, even if the other parent was okay with it, that's prime age to get stupid ideas into their heads without adult supervision.

But in all fairness, op what did you do while they were on holidays?
you had no clue what they were doing every minute of the day?
I dont get it. Its a bit conflicting is it not?

This is a wind up surely.

You accidentally called your daughter Kelly half way through your op.

13 isn’t primary though. Has your 14 year old been left alone and what age were they allowed to go out on their own?

This. I may have left my 11/12 year old for 5 mins but my 9 year old would hate to be left on her own. I’d be mega miffed if another parent left her without checking it was ok first.