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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dinner with friends predicament...

349 replies

alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 19/10/2023 12:30

Rather than asking if I'm being unreasonable, I think I'd just like some honest advice please!
For my birthday my employer gifted me a voucher for an expensive restaurant in my local town. The voucher was for £300 and to be honest, at that restaurant, you could easily spend that on dinner for two once you've had a few cocktails and a bottle of wine!
Me and my partner don't get to go out much - we rarely have a babysitter and not a lot of spare cash to be dining out together, especially somewhere like that!
We had friends round a few weeks ago and I told them about my voucher and after a few wines thought it would be a great idea to invite my friend and her girlfriend to join us. They have no kids so a lot more spare cash than us, so dining out is a weekly thing for them.
I'm a real over-thinker and as the date is approaching I'm starting to worry.
When the bill arrives how would you expect to split in? Would you put the voucher in then split the remainder between the two couples? Would you put the voucher in then expect them to pay the rest of the bill? The closer it gets the more anxious I'm getting. I don't want to upset our friends but also can't really afford to fork out loads on the night.
What do you think? What would you do? I'm regretting inviting them now but I know uninviting them isn't an option!
Please help!

OP posts:
IslandsInTheSunshine · 19/10/2023 16:32

What you need to say is sorry if you gave the impression that the voucher would cover 4 people. You now realise it won't.

Say you have had a lot of outgoings recently. There is no way- sadly- you can afford to pay for their meal and it WILL be in excess of the voucher.

If they say don't worry, they will pay exactly for their own food and drink, fair enough.

Frasers · 19/10/2023 16:34

Blimey folks are being really inventive. Just say gave it some thought can we do another time, me and Dave fancy a romantic time of it just the two of us.

also you kind of have to own the fact you got all excited and show boated and then regretted it.

Millybob · 19/10/2023 16:39

Be honest - tell them you got carried away and you realise now that the voucher won't cover dinner for four.

pinkspeakers · 19/10/2023 16:45

I don't know why you would lie to them in order to pull out, it only has the potential to create more awkwardness later. It sound like you are perfectly happy to go out with them, it is the money that is an issue.

Just be honest! Say you are worried that you might have given them the wrong impression and that having looked at the price the voucher will only cover your dinner or maybe a bit more. You will obviously understand if they think it is too expensive and don't want to come. In which case, let's put a date in the diary for another (cheaper!) evening out.

Honestly, unless you said that you were going to use the voucher to pay for me, I wouldn't have assumed it. But I can see that there might have been some confusion.

ThatMrsM · 19/10/2023 16:45

Definitely put the voucher in and split the rest of the bill between the two couples. It doesn't matter if they have more cash to spare, you've only invited them because you got the voucher so they should also benefit from it.

Otherwise I'd be honest with them and cancel going with them.

Everydayiscake · 19/10/2023 16:47

Call your friend say you’ve realised how expensive it is. Shall we go somewhere else? Use the voucher for another time?

pinkspeakers · 19/10/2023 16:50

It also makes a big difference that the OP says her friends have significantly more money than them and dine out regularly. So this is a nice opportunity for them all to go out together in a way the OP couldn't normally afford to do. The voucher was relevant in enabling the evening, even if it isn't used to pay for the friends.

I once had some spa vouchers as a gift. I invited a friend to go with me and put my surplus vouchers towards her cost, but I didn't pay anything and she wouldn't have expected me to. I also once had some Eurostar vouchers (bit different as they were due to a cancelled trip, but not that different). Again, I ended up using them going away with a friend and gave her my surplus, but didn't pay anything. Nor did I consider it.

Original poster
alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 19/10/2023 17:04

LaurieStrode · 19/10/2023 16:23

No! That is just ghastly!

If anything, the OP should cover her friends' bill with her voucher and suck it up to pay for her and her husband's meal.

You don't invite people while flashing a voucher around and then in the cold light of day, regret it and basically tell them you've invited them to spend 300 quid. It's just beyond the pale. When a faux pas like this is made, you either find a graceful white lie to worm out of it, or suck up the cost and lesson learned.

You don't tell people "too bad, so sad, I guess you're going to have to foot your entire tab."

Show quote history

"Flashing a voucher around" 😂

So you're saying I made a "faux pas" then telling me to lie my way out of it? I'd say that's bad form too!!

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 19/10/2023 17:05

IslandsInTheSunshine · 19/10/2023 16:27

I used to have a friend who would invite people to her birthday dinners. I initially assumed she was footing the bill.

No- she wasn't. She was extremely wealthy and we weren't. It annoyed the hell out of me because not only did we have to spend money getting there, we also got into sharing the bill , divided by the number of guests (who were all as wealthy as she was.)

Considering we hardly drank, maybe skipped a starter or dessert, I felt it was just unfair.

I think if anyone invites friends to a birthday meal it's assumed they will pay.

This is INSANE! If someone invites you out for THEIR birthday you'd expect THEM to pay YOUR bill?! That's the craziest thing I've ever heard!!

OP posts:
ToadOnTheHill · 19/10/2023 17:06

Cancel with an excuse - covid, working away, visiting family, whatever.

Never reschedule. Have lots of clashes.

Never talk about it again.

DonnaTellMeThis · 19/10/2023 17:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

lightpineapple · 19/10/2023 17:10

LaurieStrode · 19/10/2023 16:29

It would be cheeky if THEY suggested it. There was nothing cheeky about accepting the OP's invitation. One presumes an adult is aware of what they are offering and can afford it.

Show quote history

I know I'm in the minority but if a friend offered to give me something at the value of ~£150, after they'd had a few drinks, I'd definitely be double checking/giving them an out!

CoffeeBean5 · 19/10/2023 17:11

Just tell them you've changed your mind and would like this to be a date night with just you and DH as it's rare that you manage to go out.

BethDuttonsTwin · 19/10/2023 17:12

LaurieStrode · 19/10/2023 16:23

No! That is just ghastly!

If anything, the OP should cover her friends' bill with her voucher and suck it up to pay for her and her husband's meal.

You don't invite people while flashing a voucher around and then in the cold light of day, regret it and basically tell them you've invited them to spend 300 quid. It's just beyond the pale. When a faux pas like this is made, you either find a graceful white lie to worm out of it, or suck up the cost and lesson learned.

You don't tell people "too bad, so sad, I guess you're going to have to foot your entire tab."

Show quote history

I once read a thread on here where the OP and her family had been invited to Disney World by her MIL, all expenses paid as she wanted to take all her grandchildren. OP didn’t want to go as it wasn’t her thing but ended up saying that she’d probably suck it up for her children’s sake. One poster seriously suggested that she sit her in laws down and ask them to donate all the money they were planning to spend, to a charity that takes underprivileged children on holidays instead. I still snort when I think of that thread and imagine how my own ex in-laws would have reacted to such a suggestion. This post reminds me of it 😁

lanthanum · 19/10/2023 17:12

Check out the menu, and work out what it's likely to run to. Then you can say "the voucher should cover our food and a bottle of wine, we're a bit skint, so can't run to anything over the voucher". Then if they want cocktails, they can offer to pay for them. (Or make that two courses and two bottles of wine, or whatever you most want.)

Original poster
alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 19/10/2023 17:13

Thanks everyone for your advice. Some of the replies were INSANE. Most of you are mental and a lot of people suggesting lying which I don't want to do.

ANYWAY, in a crazy twist of fate, my friend just called me to say that her partner is having a rubbish week at work and she doesn't think she'll be in the mood to go out on Saturday after all. She suggested either me and my husband go without them, or we rearrange.

All that stress over nothing!

Thank you to the people who sent kind, helpful replies xx

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 19/10/2023 17:14

alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 19/10/2023 17:13

Thanks everyone for your advice. Some of the replies were INSANE. Most of you are mental and a lot of people suggesting lying which I don't want to do.

ANYWAY, in a crazy twist of fate, my friend just called me to say that her partner is having a rubbish week at work and she doesn't think she'll be in the mood to go out on Saturday after all. She suggested either me and my husband go without them, or we rearrange.

All that stress over nothing!

Thank you to the people who sent kind, helpful replies xx

ha ha maybe she's on mumsnet?

EarringsandLipstick · 19/10/2023 17:14

This is INSANE! If someone invites you out for THEIR birthday you'd expect THEM to pay YOUR bill?! That's the craziest thing I've ever heard!!

Of course it's not insane!

If someone invites people out, then yes, it's assumption that they will pay.

If together a group of friends suggest meeting for a meal to mark a birthday, that's different entirely.

The person inviting is deciding the venue & cost - you are putting pressure on someone else to join & pay, whether they want to or not. If you're inviting, you pay.

If you are mutually organising, totally different as you can decide together where to go ...

LaurieStrode · 19/10/2023 17:14

They probably realized they were going to be stuck with a huge tab.

Well, at least it's over with.

NetZeroZealot · 19/10/2023 17:15

Hope you have a fabulous meal OP!

LaurieStrode · 19/10/2023 17:16

alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 19/10/2023 17:04

"Flashing a voucher around" 😂

So you're saying I made a "faux pas" then telling me to lie my way out of it? I'd say that's bad form too!!

Show quote history

Well, it was more than a faux pas.

And yes, a "little white social lie" to cancel the event is superior to suggestions of calling them and saying "just to be clear the voucher is for me and DH; you're expected to pay your entire tab yourselves."

Original poster
alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 19/10/2023 17:17

EarringsandLipstick · 19/10/2023 17:14

This is INSANE! If someone invites you out for THEIR birthday you'd expect THEM to pay YOUR bill?! That's the craziest thing I've ever heard!!

Of course it's not insane!

If someone invites people out, then yes, it's assumption that they will pay.

If together a group of friends suggest meeting for a meal to mark a birthday, that's different entirely.

The person inviting is deciding the venue & cost - you are putting pressure on someone else to join & pay, whether they want to or not. If you're inviting, you pay.

If you are mutually organising, totally different as you can decide together where to go ...

Completely disagree. If my friend said to me "we're going here for my birthday, would you like to come?" then if I could afford it and wanted to go I would, and if not I wouldn't! I would never expect her to pay. If anything, I'd expect to throw in a bit extra towards the cost of hers seeing as its her birthday!!

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 19/10/2023 17:17

Most of you are mental

Sorry what?

I didn't agree with a lot of the suggestions either, especially the convoluted ones around paying and lying.

But those posters were still making suggestions they thought could help.

Most people emphasised with your quandary.

Anew

EarringsandLipstick · 19/10/2023 17:17

Sorry ... last line was meant to be:

Anyway, glad it all worked out without a fuss.

GlamGiraffe · 19/10/2023 17:18

Tell them the voucher only is allowed to be spent at a meal for two, the restaurant just confirmed with you.
You'd love to do something else together another time.

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