Page 7 | Dinner with friends predicament...

alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 2023-10-19T11:30:43+00:00

Rather than asking if I'm being unreasonable, I think I'd just like some honest advice please! For my birthday my employer gifted me a voucher for an expensive restaurant in my local town. The voucher was for £300 and to be honest, at that restaurant, you could easily spend that on dinner for two once you've had a few cocktails and a bottle of wine! Me and my partner don't get to go out much - we rarely have a babysitter and not a lot of spare cash to be dining out together, especially somewhere like that! We had friends round a few weeks ago and I told them about my voucher and after a few wines thought it would be a great idea to invite my friend and her girlfriend to join us. They have no kids so a lot more spare cash than us, so dining out is a weekly thing for them. I'm a real over-thinker and as the date is approaching I'm starting to worry. When the bill arrives how would you expect to split in? Would you put the voucher in then split the remainder between the two couples? Would you put the voucher in then expect them to pay the rest of the bill? The closer it gets the more anxious I'm getting. I don't want to upset our friends but also can't really afford to fork out loads on the night. What do you think? What would you do? I'm regretting inviting them now but I know uninviting them isn't an option! Please help!

NetZeroZealot · 19/10/2023 15:41

HoppingPavlova · 19/10/2023 15:38

I don’t know why people are saying you should not have mentioned the voucher. They would find out on the night anyway when the bill comes and you produce it. I’d chuck the voucher in, then split the remainder four ways, so basically you then pay half of what’s left for yourself and DH. You invited them, that’s what you do or they would be gobsmacked surely. Occasionally people have had the odd voucher when we have gone to restaurants, it’s always just cheaper caked on the plate and remainder split between number of people there. If not, I imagine there’d be a lot of side eyeing.

This.

And if your friends then offer to cover your share, accept graciously. If they don't, you've still all had a lovely evening together and saved some money too.

Findyourneutralspace · 19/10/2023 15:42

If I was you I’d put in the voucher and offer to split the difference. If I was your friend I’d offer to pay our share in full.

momtoboys · 19/10/2023 15:44

I have nothing to add that hasn't already been mentioned but I can absolutely see why this is stressful. I hope you have a great time!

nibblessquibbles · 19/10/2023 15:44

CorvusPurpureus · 19/10/2023 15:32

'Hi Jane, this is really awkward, but when I invited you & Kate to Fancypants Restaurant I was a bit pissed & hadn't thought to check out their website...obviously I assumed £300 would pretty much cover the 4 of us, but now I've looked & it's outrageous prices - we'd be looking at £75-100 each for the 4 of us, after taking the voucher off! Dave & I are a bit skint right now. Can we raincheck & save the voucher to go another time, when we're a bit more flush? Would be lovely to go for a curry though?'

Either she says 'Don't be daft, it's your birthday voucher - Kate & I will pick up our own tab.'

Or 'of course! Let us know if & when it works for you guys.'

Then neither of you ever mention it again. She's hardly going to pester you 'oi, are you still too poor for Fancypants?' is she?

After a decent interval, go with dp. In the unlikely event that it ever DOES get mentioned again, 'admit' sheepishly that you realised it was about to expire, which happened to coincide with when they were on holiday, so you went by yourselves...

This!

Neurodiversitydoctor · 19/10/2023 15:46

RoyKentFanclub · 19/10/2023 12:45

Cancel citing a family commitment or something vague and then don’t rearrange it. Then go on your own with your husband.

otherwise, share the voucher.

This

wildwestpioneer · 19/10/2023 15:47

CorvusPurpureus · 19/10/2023 15:32

'Hi Jane, this is really awkward, but when I invited you & Kate to Fancypants Restaurant I was a bit pissed & hadn't thought to check out their website...obviously I assumed £300 would pretty much cover the 4 of us, but now I've looked & it's outrageous prices - we'd be looking at £75-100 each for the 4 of us, after taking the voucher off! Dave & I are a bit skint right now. Can we raincheck & save the voucher to go another time, when we're a bit more flush? Would be lovely to go for a curry though?'

Either she says 'Don't be daft, it's your birthday voucher - Kate & I will pick up our own tab.'

Or 'of course! Let us know if & when it works for you guys.'

Then neither of you ever mention it again. She's hardly going to pester you 'oi, are you still too poor for Fancypants?' is she?

After a decent interval, go with dp. In the unlikely event that it ever DOES get mentioned again, 'admit' sheepishly that you realised it was about to expire, which happened to coincide with when they were on holiday, so you went by yourselves...

How about a slight change to the above

'Hi Jane, this is really awkward, but when I invited you & Kate to Fancypants Restaurant I was a bit pissed, ans got carried away. we're a bit skint at the moment, so would you mind awfully if I just took dh with me, we rarely get to go out and I really want to treat us both'

Next month why don't you and Kate come over for drinks and a takeaway

SmudgeButt · 19/10/2023 15:51

I'd make it clear to them in advance what's happening re the voucher. Let them know how pricey it is there, link them the menu so they can see themselves. And then say "look it's my voucher so hopefully you won't mind me using it to cover our portion and whatever is left over can go on yours but you're responsible for the rest and the tip." Or a variation of that. "we'll use the voucher for the food and you can pay for the wine" etc.

If a friend of mine said that I'd look at the menu and decide what it might cost me without considering your voucher and decide if I wanted to go. If I didn't like the conditions I'd laugh about how drunk were we when this was first discussed!! Friends won't be offended either way.

Shakespearesister · 19/10/2023 15:52

Thedm · 19/10/2023 12:48

Cancel the dinner. Tell them you can’t go. Then use the voucher with your partner and tell them you had to use it before it expired if they mention it again. If they don’t, then you don’t bring it up either.

THIS

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 19/10/2023 15:53

Hi friend, I'm sorry, I'm really over-thinking this voucher thing, I think I got carried away. £300 quid isn't going to cover everyone's bill at FancyPants is it. Would you mind if we rearrange?
Cue friend (hopefully) saying don't be daft, we'll pay the difference, it's your voucher; or No you're right, you and partner go and have a fantastic time, we will see you at nandos next week.
Only if they're jerks would they say oh god what a let-down we thought we were getting a cheap meal off of you, what a selfish bitch you are..

Leasa241 · 19/10/2023 16:00

They pay any extra, I don’t think you our your partner should unless your meal alone exceeds the 300

EarringsandLipstick · 19/10/2023 16:06

CorvusPurpureus · 19/10/2023 15:32

'Hi Jane, this is really awkward, but when I invited you & Kate to Fancypants Restaurant I was a bit pissed & hadn't thought to check out their website...obviously I assumed £300 would pretty much cover the 4 of us, but now I've looked & it's outrageous prices - we'd be looking at £75-100 each for the 4 of us, after taking the voucher off! Dave & I are a bit skint right now. Can we raincheck & save the voucher to go another time, when we're a bit more flush? Would be lovely to go for a curry though?'

Either she says 'Don't be daft, it's your birthday voucher - Kate & I will pick up our own tab.'

Or 'of course! Let us know if & when it works for you guys.'

Then neither of you ever mention it again. She's hardly going to pester you 'oi, are you still too poor for Fancypants?' is she?

After a decent interval, go with dp. In the unlikely event that it ever DOES get mentioned again, 'admit' sheepishly that you realised it was about to expire, which happened to coincide with when they were on holiday, so you went by yourselves...

This is a car crash of a suggestion.

No to all of that!

Zone2NorthLondon · 19/10/2023 16:07

wildwestpioneer · 19/10/2023 15:47

How about a slight change to the above

'Hi Jane, this is really awkward, but when I invited you & Kate to Fancypants Restaurant I was a bit pissed, ans got carried away. we're a bit skint at the moment, so would you mind awfully if I just took dh with me, we rarely get to go out and I really want to treat us both'

Next month why don't you and Kate come over for drinks and a takeaway

Show quote history

Why are you phrasing it as would you mind awfully if I just took dh with me it’s so passive and unassertive
What if they directly answer,yes we do mind and thought the voucher was for sharing
Dont ask an open question if you actually want a predetermined answer
I cannot fathom the inability to be direct . Just say ➡️I was planning to use the voucher for dh and I

That’s it. That’s all
No made up stories. No scenario
No diffident apologetic oh would you mind awfully….

Rustiered · 19/10/2023 16:08

If you invited me I would be paying for half the bill - if that meant giving you the cash, then that's what I'd do - I wouldn't want you to spend your birthday gift on me and that would be my condition on going that I would be allowed to pay. I think you should be honest and say you were a little hasty with the invite and you've realised £300 won't cover the bill, and you can't afford to cover her and her partner.

EarringsandLipstick · 19/10/2023 16:10

I can completely see your dilemma OP.

In hindsight, agreeing to go with them was a mistake - and there would be nothing wrong with saying honestly to them that you'd just like to go with DH.

However, if you'd like to go out with them, I'd put the voucher towards the meal, and split the remainder between you. Yes, you'll have to pay a small amount (I imagine) extra.

Friends may offer to pay the balance but I wouldn't expect it.

I agree you should say it at the start, to make it clear and avoid any nightmare of friends ordering lots of pricey wine or champagne!

EarringsandLipstick · 19/10/2023 16:11

What I couldn't do is lie at this point eg cancel & go surreptitiously with DH. I'd feel so conscious of having done that, that I wouldn't enjoy it at all.

HowAmYa · 19/10/2023 16:18

You said and your partner don't go out much and rarely get a babysitter.

Why don't the two of you just go? I don't get why you have to take your friends.

Surely if its so rare you get out as a couple you would prioritise doing this as a couple. It's a friend so you could call/message and say you're gonna use it for a date night instead as you might not get an opportunity to do something alone together for a while.

If you can use it more than once, I'd go out have a lovely meal and see if you can go again in a month or twos time.

LookItsMeAgain · 19/10/2023 16:18

Isheabastard · 19/10/2023 12:53

Same advice as @Thedm. Cancel due to ‘sickness, work or family commitments’

Go with partner when you know they are away or committed to something else

Tell them voucher expiry date/ another excuse etc if they ask.

And think of it all as a learning experience. We all fuck up at times.

100% this is what I would do.

Cancel for the upcoming date. Contact the restaurant and reschedule for 2 people. Then go, use the full voucher for you and your partner and if asked to reschedule, say that you can't afford to eat there and the voucher on closer inspection was for 2 people not four.

Make up an excuse but keep the excuse simple so you don't end up tying yourself in knots.

Oh, and stop oversharing!!!!!

sandyhappypeople · 19/10/2023 16:19

alwaysstrivingforinnerpeace · 19/10/2023 12:41

I agree, I wish I hadn't.

Show quote history

You've invited them, so it would be a bit of a dick move to back out or make up an excuse, and it's implied that you'd be using the voucher against the group spend, I wouldn't worry about it though, it was a lovely gesture for you to invite them and I'm sure you'll have a great time.

You can't offer to split the bill as your friends may go crazy with booze etc and you'll end up footing the bill for their drinks, so the best thing would be to tell your friends that everyone needs to pay for themselves, but each person will have £75 off their bill, courtesy of your voucher! that way you and DH can keep as close to £150 as you want to and they can go crazy if they like but they know they'll only get £75 each towards it, no awkwardness there!

Why not go for pre-dinner drinks/cocktails too before or after somewhere more affordable or even start or finish at home to save some extra expense?

LaurieStrode · 19/10/2023 16:23

commonground · 19/10/2023 15:27

Say the babysitter has let you down. Then wait for your friends to offer and you and DH can go out...

Or, as she is a friend say, 'look I've got into a real muddle with this voucher thing. I don't think I can afford to split. Would you mind if we use it to pay for our meal first and if there's any left it would be so nice to share it with you.'

What's she going to do? Say 'ha ha, you're poor, how rude.'

No, she's going to say, 'of course. Sounds like a good plan.'

Coz she's a friend, right?

No! That is just ghastly!

If anything, the OP should cover her friends' bill with her voucher and suck it up to pay for her and her husband's meal.

You don't invite people while flashing a voucher around and then in the cold light of day, regret it and basically tell them you've invited them to spend 300 quid. It's just beyond the pale. When a faux pas like this is made, you either find a graceful white lie to worm out of it, or suck up the cost and lesson learned.

You don't tell people "too bad, so sad, I guess you're going to have to foot your entire tab."

IslandsInTheSunshine · 19/10/2023 16:23

Don't know if you have arrived at an answer yet, but your latest post saying what you intend to do sounds a bit rash.

If this restaurant is SO pricey, then the bill for 4 is likely to top £600 or more.
If your friends think it's 'their treat' as well, are they ready to fork out 50% - £300?

Because it's likely you will foot the whole bill, meaning it's cost you what it would have if you'd eaten there without the voucher.

I agree with most posters that what should have been a special and romantic meal out has become a complicated issue.

If you rarely get out, why do you not want to spend the evening just with your husband? You can do a foursome with your friends anytime.

I'd make an excuse and say you need to delay it, then go when they aren't around or going to ask about it.

Feraldogmum · 19/10/2023 16:24

Hate to say this but you told them you had a voucher and then invited them,they probably think that you’re treating them and that the voucher will cover the whole meal.If you cannot afford this you are going to have to suck it up and tell them I’m afraid,better before than after the meal.

IslandsInTheSunshine · 19/10/2023 16:27

I used to have a friend who would invite people to her birthday dinners. I initially assumed she was footing the bill.

No- she wasn't. She was extremely wealthy and we weren't. It annoyed the hell out of me because not only did we have to spend money getting there, we also got into sharing the bill , divided by the number of guests (who were all as wealthy as she was.)

Considering we hardly drank, maybe skipped a starter or dessert, I felt it was just unfair.

I think if anyone invites friends to a birthday meal it's assumed they will pay.

Zone2NorthLondon · 19/10/2023 16:28

Be straight and direct about what you want. Uninvite the friends, be clear it’s not a communal voucher
It really is not so hard to be politely direct and unequivocal. No drama,no lies
Youre not obliged to share the voucher, you evidently don’t really want to

Just cancel the group meal
Rebook, just you and your dh,use the voucher individual not collectively

LaurieStrode · 19/10/2023 16:29

lightpineapple · 19/10/2023 14:38

I also think it's a little bit cheeky to accept a free meal in this context, unless they specifically thought it was to cover four guests at one time so they weren't actually "taking" anything from your gift...

It would be cheeky if THEY suggested it. There was nothing cheeky about accepting the OP's invitation. One presumes an adult is aware of what they are offering and can afford it.

QueenBitch666 · 19/10/2023 16:29

I'd definitely cancel and rebook for just you and your dh at a later date