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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My brothers don't care about seeing us when we visit over Christmas break.

147 replies

HazelDean · 18/10/2023 16:45

AIBU to be pissed off that my brothers don’t care about seeing us over Christmas? For context we live in the USA and come to the UK every other year for Christmas for about 9 days which we try and split evenly between seeing my side of the family and my DH’s. Last time we actually saw my brothers and their families during Christmas break(for a few hours on the 22nd) was 2019. My brothers knew that we are coming and still booked to go skiing (separately) for the entire length of our visit. My daughter is so disappointed not to see her cousins who she is very fond of. I am really sad too. I love seeing my neices and nephews and feel a bit heartbroken. We sometimes see them all for a couple of days in the summer but that is it. I am hurt but I don't know whether to tell them or just leave it..

OP posts:
Tryingtokeepgoing · 18/10/2023 16:54

In my experience, having lived abroad many times, it's unreasonable to expect families to plan their holidays entirely around your return to the UK. People only get a limited amount of holiday, and there are things they want to do as well. You are not being unreasonable to be disappointed, but you would be unreasonable to make a big deal about it. Their lives continued when you left the UK, and won't necessarily stop just because you're returning. Skiing might be a big thing for them, as a family. You see coming 'home' as a big thing, because you only do it every few years. To them life goes on. Why don't you take a few days of your break to fly down to wherever they are skiiing? I know we did that once, when back from California for a few weeks and wanted to catch up with friends who, otherwise, we would miss.

Totalwasteofpaper · 18/10/2023 16:54

Do you generally get on / are close with your DBs and SILs?

Have the 2 families arranged to go on a joint ski holiday?

newamsterdam · 18/10/2023 16:56

So you expect to just come back when it suits you and have the npc's just waiting for you to come and visit them? That's not how that works.

Dahlia444 · 18/10/2023 17:00

I'm sorry that you're disappointed. I would be too. And a bit hurt. But my logical brain knows that I can't expect people to plan their holidays entirely around me.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 18/10/2023 17:03

I'm sorry but I do think yabu.

People have a limited time to go on holiday. Especially over the Christmas period.

To expect everyone to stay at home for the whole holiday period so they can see you for a day or two, is unreasonable.

gelatogina · 18/10/2023 17:04

I can see why you are disappointed but they can’t plan their school holidays and annual leave around you…if Christmas is the usual time they go skiing then what do you expect them to do? Not go? You moved away after all.

ComtesseDeSpair · 18/10/2023 17:05

It’s okay to be disappointed but agree with previous posters about it being a little unreasonable. We get back to the US to visit a couple of times a year and sometimes we manage to see everyone we’d like to see and sometimes we don’t. That’s just how it works if people already have plans made or holidays booked, we can’t expect to wander into their day to day lives and be received like the prodigal son.

HakunaMatiłda · 18/10/2023 17:09

How old is your DD and how often has she seen her cousins?

Original poster
HazelDean · 18/10/2023 17:18

Thanks everyone. I won't say anything then. It is not that I expect them to be there the whole time but was hoping for 1 day at the beginning or the end of our stay. My dd is 14 and massively looks forward to seeing her cousins that are similar in age. She only manages to do so for a couple of days a year. During Covid we went 2 years without seeing anyone due to the flight restrictions. I am pretty close to one of my brother's and get on fine with the other. They are not going skiing together. I guess I just feel sad about not seeing them and I know we are the ones that moved away...

OP posts:
PosterBoy · 18/10/2023 17:24

It's a bit unfair of them to plan to go away if it's arranging together dates when you would be coming over that they would keep free.

If you just announced your dates without consulting, but they went ahead with their lives, that's different - you can't expect them to do that if you are choosing dates without checking with them first

BoohooWoohoo · 18/10/2023 17:27

Yanbu to be disappointed and it's a shame that they'll be away.

Do your brothers go away every year?

Thatsridiculous · 18/10/2023 17:29

A phone call beforehand where you discussed what would suit everyone could have avoided this - “we were thinking of coming to the UK, does this suit you?”

I presume you come only to see family so it makes sense that you check in with family before instead of assuming

Original poster
HazelDean · 18/10/2023 17:29

BoohooWoohoo · 18/10/2023 17:27

Yanbu to be disappointed and it's a shame that they'll be away.

Do your brothers go away every year?

My older one does pretty much every year, my youngest has since 2021 (the last time we visited at Christmas) Sometimes I manage to catch the oldest a day before he goes (the last time was in 2019)

OP posts:
FloweryName · 18/10/2023 17:29

You can’t expect them to sacrifice their Christmas holiday just because that’s when you decide to visit.

I have a relative that lives abroad. He expects everyone to drop everything for his benefit when he comes back to the UK and complains when we don’t. I have very little sympathy for him. We get made to feel guilty for not seeing his child but can’t help but feel if we were that important to him and his child he wouldn’t have moved away in the first place and he’s at least check when it was convenient for us to come.

Original poster
HazelDean · 18/10/2023 17:30

Thatsridiculous · 18/10/2023 17:29

A phone call beforehand where you discussed what would suit everyone could have avoided this - “we were thinking of coming to the UK, does this suit you?”

I presume you come only to see family so it makes sense that you check in with family before instead of assuming

I told them the dates in the summer....

OP posts:
rookiemere · 18/10/2023 17:34

Yes I would be hurt. Most ski holidays are for a week, odd that they chose to be away for the entire time you are over.

Ponderingwindow · 18/10/2023 17:35

Do you just declare your dates or do you work them out with the family before booking tickets?

it’s completely unreasonable to just announce that you will be visiting during a certain window and they should be available, even for any subset of dates.

we have family all over. We do traveling and family travels to us. Most of us understand that you don’t just declare visits, even if you don’t have a great deal of flexibility. You ask and if it needs to be specific you book extremely far in advance, possibly even more than a year out. Some people just declare and expect us to drop everything. I’ve stopped bothering. If they really cared about seeing us, they would talk to us first.

Original poster
HazelDean · 18/10/2023 17:38

ComtesseDeSpair · 18/10/2023 17:05

It’s okay to be disappointed but agree with previous posters about it being a little unreasonable. We get back to the US to visit a couple of times a year and sometimes we manage to see everyone we’d like to see and sometimes we don’t. That’s just how it works if people already have plans made or holidays booked, we can’t expect to wander into their day to day lives and be received like the prodigal son.

We don't expect to be received like a prodigal son but is one day too much to ask? Do they have to be away for the whole 9 days? I'm probably being unreasonable but I just don't feel like they want to see us as much as we want to see them and that stings...

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 18/10/2023 17:40

Do they do the planning or leave it up to their partners wives?

Onlywords · 18/10/2023 17:41

Perhaps you should arrange your visit for a different time of year.

Original poster
HazelDean · 18/10/2023 17:41

Ponderingwindow · 18/10/2023 17:35

Do you just declare your dates or do you work them out with the family before booking tickets?

it’s completely unreasonable to just announce that you will be visiting during a certain window and they should be available, even for any subset of dates.

we have family all over. We do traveling and family travels to us. Most of us understand that you don’t just declare visits, even if you don’t have a great deal of flexibility. You ask and if it needs to be specific you book extremely far in advance, possibly even more than a year out. Some people just declare and expect us to drop everything. I’ve stopped bothering. If they really cared about seeing us, they would talk to us first.

I don't declare. We told them the dates in the summer before they booked their travel. They are the only dates we can come due to school and work.

OP posts:
JustAMinutePleass · 18/10/2023 17:45

Seems like they deliberately booked their holiday to avoid meeting with you. Don’t bother telling them next time.

DogInATent · 18/10/2023 17:45

Look at it from the other side, you say your daughter looks forward to seeing her cousins but you only deign to descend as prodigal daughter once every other year for a week and a half. If you were really concerned about your daughter's feelings on the matter you would visit more frequently. Don't guilt trip your brothers and their families because they have independent lives and plans that don't automatically bend to suit yours.

They probably think you don't care that much about how often you see them, given how little time you put aside for it.

FloweryName · 18/10/2023 17:47

Maybe those are the best dates for your brothers to travel because they also have to think of school and work. Prices can vary hugely based on the day of travel.

Your family probably would have loved to see you but have to prioritise their own partners and children.

timegoesfast · 18/10/2023 17:47

You cant expect them to just change things around you they have their own lifes same as you do.
Maybe arrange something other than christmas.
TBH it would not bother me.