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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My brothers don't care about seeing us when we visit over Christmas break.

147 replies

HazelDean · 18/10/2023 16:45

AIBU to be pissed off that my brothers don’t care about seeing us over Christmas? For context we live in the USA and come to the UK every other year for Christmas for about 9 days which we try and split evenly between seeing my side of the family and my DH’s. Last time we actually saw my brothers and their families during Christmas break(for a few hours on the 22nd) was 2019. My brothers knew that we are coming and still booked to go skiing (separately) for the entire length of our visit. My daughter is so disappointed not to see her cousins who she is very fond of. I am really sad too. I love seeing my neices and nephews and feel a bit heartbroken. We sometimes see them all for a couple of days in the summer but that is it. I am hurt but I don't know whether to tell them or just leave it..

OP posts:
ImADevYo · 18/10/2023 23:00

OP many people go on holiday over Christmas as it's cheaper so if you are coming 'for' Christmas it makes sense for those to be the exact dates...

saraclara · 18/10/2023 23:04

We told them the dates in the summer before they booked their travel. They are the only dates we can come due to school and work.

And presumably they're also the only dates that they can go away, due to school and work.

I don't know of a single state school or LA that breaks up on the 15th. As a teacher of four decades, in several schools and local authorities, I've never broken up before the 19th. It's usually the 20/21st

RampantIvy · 18/10/2023 23:08

I can't believe the pasting you are getting from everyone. I actually like my family, and if I knew they could only visit me at Christmas I wouldn't book a skiing holiday every year to avoid them. I would go at February half term when there is a better chance of snow.

OldPerson · 18/10/2023 23:13

Yes, you are being unreasonable. Why have you dictated the terms of when you'll see them? Why at Christmas? Why not pop over on your Thanksgiving or at Easter? Have you asked them when they'd prefer you to visit? And what do you expect on your visits? Nothing worse than family members with a set idea of Christmas invading your space. I'd definitely prefer to go skiing instead. And I don't even like skiing. Family that impose themselves through guilt or goodwill, to be entertained, are a long-suffering pain in the backside.

Thatsridiculous · 18/10/2023 23:20

I am close to my sister so would most likely plan my whole Christmas around her visiting. But then I see a PP’s point of view that they might be looking forward to getting away as a family too.

Original poster
HazelDean · 18/10/2023 23:29

I didn’t dictate anything, I just let them know in the summer when we would be inUK over Christmas and said I hoped we could get together. They go away every Easter too. My dd only gets 3 days at TG. I don’t expect to stay anywhere, happy to meet at a restaurant. I haven’t guilted them about anything. I asked the original question as I wanted to see if I was unreasonable? Which it appears I am. I miss them a lot.

OP posts:
OP posts:
Original poster
HazelDean · 18/10/2023 23:44

HazelDean · 18/10/2023 23:32

Well prepared to be shocked. They break up on the 15th. One in private breaks up on 14th

https://www.devon.gov.uk/educationandfamilies/school-information/school-term-dates/

Sorry meant to tag @saraclara

OP posts:
saraclara · 18/10/2023 23:58

HazelDean · 18/10/2023 23:44

Sorry meant to tag @saraclara

Show quote history

Wow. I stand corrected. As a state school teacher I'd have loved that, and yes, taken advantage of more than a week before Christmas, to go away.

I won't tell my teacher DD and her teacher DH. They don't break up until the 22nd this year!

OldPerson · 19/10/2023 00:28

So just ask them when and how would be good to meet up, for both your families, and in which country. Christmas is an unnecessary amount of stress, when you have to spend too much time entertaining relatives and not enough private family time. Maybe suggest a US agenda/ road-trip/ somewhere exciting that offers a joint memorable experience for your personal family memories. If you're always coming over every 2 years at Christmas, you're just on the stress list. Time to break the mould. Sorry if I sounded harsh - but your brothers probably have wives - who also have families. I have an aggrieved MIL who I won't host every Christmas and an aggrieved SIL because I won't. I have grown up daughters that I create a separate Christmas Day for, so I don't conflict with their partners and their families and DH family. And yet, I put on great social events all year round. But I'd still rather go skiing every Christmas, than negotiate with people who insist this couple of days is the be-all and end-all of family social activity, even though I hate skiing. But guess what, we go abroad for Christmas every few years and avoid all the stress of it - but somewhere sunny. And I don't even hate my or DH relatives.

OzziePopPop · 19/10/2023 01:43

If they’re skiing in Europe could you fly out and join them? Assuming they’re in the same area or even country of course?

SpongeBob2022 · 19/10/2023 01:50

I think you're getting a really hard time with these comments. Of course they are allowed to do whatever they like but I would feel the same as you.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 19/10/2023 02:06

It's the sad side effect of moving away from family I'm afraid. My DSs have absolutely loved getting to know their cousins since we moved back near our families.

MermaidMummy06 · 19/10/2023 02:15

Of course it's difficult and you feel rejected and like you're not worth anything to them. Some people (especially men) just don't care about anything or anyone except their own lifestyle.

My brother does exactly the same .Does the same to our parents, too. He is just obsessed with his own lifestyle.

I will admit it then pisses me off that DB does come every second Christmas (for about 36 hours as he wants to go camping with friends) so we are expected to arrange our Christmas plans around them. We only do it so the kids can see their cousins and actually know them. If I could I'd not bother & book something far away....

Someoneonlyyouknow · 19/10/2023 02:57

I understand why you feel a bit hurt, like you mean less to them than they do to you. My sibling lives overseas and wasn't able to attend my DC recent wedding. I understood but I am hurt that they visited 2 months later for the wedding of a friend's daughter. They don't visit every year.

ForthegracegoI · 19/10/2023 03:02

We live abroad and tbh I’d be really hurt in your position. But no one in our family skis, which I guess is a very specific kind of holiday.

How’s your relationship with your brothers outside your visits? DH and I have a sister each ‘back home’ and we all chat on Whats App pretty regularly. DH and I have zoom evenings with my sis and BIL every so often (with wine and nibbles and the kids popping in to say hello). My sister is quite family-oriented: she doesn’t have children and is determined to be a good aunt to my two boys, and they love her. My SIL bends over backwards to see us and have the boys to stay with her so they can see their cousin. She and DH are quite close. So when we go, it’s genuinely because we want to see them and hang out together and catch up: it’s not just because we are family.

We’ve lived out of the UK for a long time and we try not to make it all about us when we do return. But inevitably we are there for 10 days, or whatever, and we have to try and fit everything in. We are bounded by school holiday dates, which some posters might see as us ‘declaring’ our dates 🙄 but we don’t have much choice there.

MrsMitford3 · 19/10/2023 03:11

Sadly @HazelDean you can't make ppl care as much as you do.

You need to decide if it is worth it knowing they won't be there

Mydogmybestfriend · 19/10/2023 03:19

I wouldn't. Care either. Really don't give a toss about seeing my siblings

jenpil · 19/10/2023 03:53

rookiemere · 18/10/2023 17:34

Yes I would be hurt. Most ski holidays are for a week, odd that they chose to be away for the entire time you are over.

....and also every time you are over, so it would appear.

SwingTheMonkey · 19/10/2023 04:14

What is it with people thinking they can move thousands of miles away from family (thus indicating they don’t really give a shit about family relationships) and then get upset when they visit ‘home’ and people don’t drop everything to see them?!

Lizzieregina · 19/10/2023 04:18

I have come to the conclusion that my brothers don’t care whether they see me and my family or not. And now, I don’t even bother with them any more. I plan my visits and they can make an effort or not, but I don’t care.

My sisters are very different and make massive effort to spend time with me. I know they’re genuinely delighted that I come to visit and that our kids have all gotten to know each other.

My in-laws are similar to my brothers, but they’re DH’s problem, and I don’t go out of my way to see them either.

Sorry OP but it’s a sad fact of life that it took me a really long time to learn. I was really sad and hurt, but I can’t make them care.

Tallerandtall · 19/10/2023 05:05

@Tryingtokeepgoing
@HazelDean

trying to keep going —- you said it exactly right.
i was an expat for 13 years.
what you wrote is exactly right and what I was going to say

Lovesocksie · 19/10/2023 05:27

As a skier, usually on a budget, the absolute luxury of breaking up earlier in December than most schools would mean they would have got much better deals on flights etc. You can’t ‘just go February half term instead’ as a pp suggested as it’s massively expensive and with flight times etc you’re lucky to get a full week in.

It is really sad for you though. It’s hard to accept that when you moved away, your brother’s lives went on- their families have their own lives and have carved out a life with you rarely in it. Perhaps you are also sad about this and it’s making you feel even worse.

They may have deliberated, and as you said you saw them on the 19th ‘for a few hours’ - days after they break up this year and slap bang in the middle of the break, it’s understandable that they decided that their family holiday would have to take priority.

I think you will naturally feel very sad and hurt, but it’s very unlikely the plans were designed to intentionally hurt or exclude you, it’s just logical to do what they’re doing.

Hope you do enjoy seeing everyone you can this Christmas though x

Tallerandtall · 19/10/2023 05:38

@HazelDean

in one of your posts you said you let them know when you would be over.

do you not see the issue.?

you didn’t agree when to come you told them

so they are busy it’s that simple.

when an ex pat you have to remember you moved away and others will move on.

Mycatshandbag · 19/10/2023 06:25

No the point of the OP, but my kids last day of term is 15th Dec this year, state school, South East so not only Devon...!