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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My brothers don't care about seeing us when we visit over Christmas break.

147 replies

HazelDean · 18/10/2023 16:45

AIBU to be pissed off that my brothers don’t care about seeing us over Christmas? For context we live in the USA and come to the UK every other year for Christmas for about 9 days which we try and split evenly between seeing my side of the family and my DH’s. Last time we actually saw my brothers and their families during Christmas break(for a few hours on the 22nd) was 2019. My brothers knew that we are coming and still booked to go skiing (separately) for the entire length of our visit. My daughter is so disappointed not to see her cousins who she is very fond of. I am really sad too. I love seeing my neices and nephews and feel a bit heartbroken. We sometimes see them all for a couple of days in the summer but that is it. I am hurt but I don't know whether to tell them or just leave it..

OP posts:
Witsend101 · 18/10/2023 17:48

I'm surprised by some of these responses. I don't think you are unreasonable to expect your brothers to put aside some time to see you every other year. I couldn't imagine not making time to see a sibling that lives abroad but judging by the response that seems to be a minority view. Maybe you could tell them you are disappointed not to see them and ask what you could do for future visits to coordinate seeing them ?

ploymus · 18/10/2023 17:48

Are they both skiing for the whole 9 days you are there?

Drttc · 18/10/2023 17:49

My husband’s brother (and DC) comes over from the US 1-2 a year. He has NEVER reached out in advance to make plans. Sometimes WE try to make plans far in advance but it’s never worked (he says ´mum and dad have arranged all the plans’ yet his parents say ‘we can’t speak for his plans’).

Yet, we always end up seeing him because I chase like a madwomen to make sure we see him and his son. After reading this thread I’ve reflected and decided - I won’t be doing that anymore!

I think this about showing they matter and reaching out to make plans with them far in advance.

Bluffy · 18/10/2023 17:57

I had to read the OP really carefully to see if it was about us 😅 because I'm married to one of the brothers in this situation. Well not this one, not unless details have been changed.

SIL and family are coming over to the UK from the US this Christmas, for a week and a half and we will see them. But probably only once - we are going on holiday for the second part of their visit. Yes, she told us the dates before we booked our holiday - but that didn't change what dates we could go which have to fit in with school and work. We love love love to see them, my kids adore their cousins; but our own little family needs a break, had already decided on this break before the visit was announced (albeit not actually booked).

I get that it's tricky but if my own SIL was moaning about us going on holiday whilst they are visiting I would be very unimpressed.

DeeCeeCherry · 18/10/2023 18:07

I'd be hurt and disappointed too. They're your family not acquaintances. Such a shame your DD feels sad about it too. Some replies on here are callous. I have family come from overseas sometimes, I look forward to seeing them. I take my holidays another time of the year I mean its not as if they come every single year/I see them regularly.

I think hard as it is you have to accept they dont give a shit, and just be happy with people who are happy to see and spend time with you.

Catza · 18/10/2023 18:13

My Family live abroad and I wouldn't expect them to change their plans for my visits. I do try to give them plenty of notice but a lot of the time it just doesn't work with their time off or any existing plans. I just spend time with family who are available at the time of my visit and catch up with the others online (or invite them over).

rookiemere · 18/10/2023 18:14

Are your DPs elderly ? do they maybe worry about leaving them on their own, so going when you are there is a good option?

Original poster
HazelDean · 18/10/2023 18:18

DogInATent · 18/10/2023 17:45

Look at it from the other side, you say your daughter looks forward to seeing her cousins but you only deign to descend as prodigal daughter once every other year for a week and a half. If you were really concerned about your daughter's feelings on the matter you would visit more frequently. Don't guilt trip your brothers and their families because they have independent lives and plans that don't automatically bend to suit yours.

They probably think you don't care that much about how often you see them, given how little time you put aside for it.

My daughter and I visit every summer (except for 2 summers during Covid) and try and work around their holidays. Sometimes it works out sometimes it doesn't but I really try. They know I care as I am the one who contacts them to try to coordinate a get together. I am not planning on guilt tripping them. I have seen from the responses that the general consensus is that I am being unreasonable about this and won't say anything to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
HazelDean · 18/10/2023 18:25

Bluffy · 18/10/2023 17:57

I had to read the OP really carefully to see if it was about us 😅 because I'm married to one of the brothers in this situation. Well not this one, not unless details have been changed.

SIL and family are coming over to the UK from the US this Christmas, for a week and a half and we will see them. But probably only once - we are going on holiday for the second part of their visit. Yes, she told us the dates before we booked our holiday - but that didn't change what dates we could go which have to fit in with school and work. We love love love to see them, my kids adore their cousins; but our own little family needs a break, had already decided on this break before the visit was announced (albeit not actually booked).

I get that it's tricky but if my own SIL was moaning about us going on holiday whilst they are visiting I would be very unimpressed.

Edited

At least you are seeing them for one day. I don't begrudge their holiday, I am just sad that we couldn't make one day work... I will try not to take it personally!

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 18/10/2023 18:25

I don't declare. We told them the dates in the summer

That is kind of declaring!

If your relatives want to go skiing for ten days or a fortnight and have kids-they can only go at Xmas or Easter-there’s not much wriggle room.

happylittlesloth · 18/10/2023 18:26

I mean yeah, it's disappointing but their lives don't revolve around you. It can get a bit like ooooh royalty is coming if you're not careful.

HarrietStyles · 18/10/2023 18:32

HazelDean · 18/10/2023 17:41

I don't declare. We told them the dates in the summer before they booked their travel. They are the only dates we can come due to school and work.

Show quote history

“I don’t declare. We told them the dates” so you did declare to them! Despite knowing that one of your brothers goes away every Christmas and the other has every Christmas since 2021……… you “told” them you were coming over for Xmas and expected them to drop/change all their plans to fit yours. Surely you should have said “Hey brothers, we are thinking about coming over for Christmas, are you going to be around at all so that I can see you, or is there a better time of year for us to visit so that we can spend time with you?” And then you book your visit for a time that works for everyone. You are totally unreasonable to expect both brothers to change their usual Christmas plans just because you’ve decided to visit.

ForfarBridie · 18/10/2023 18:32

don't declare. We told them the dates in the summer before they booked their travel. They are the only dates we can come due to school and work

I live abroad and as a family we plan our trips around each other so we can spend time together. Occasionally we do have someone who’s holiday dates are set in stone due to no fault of their own and we try to accommodate them but sometimes it’s just not possible. You can only travel on specific dates and perhaps your brothers can also only travel on their dates. Your dates don’t unfortunately trump there’s as sad as it makes you feel. I do understand how you are feeling though.

LilyLemonade · 18/10/2023 18:32

Wow, I’m also surprised by the responses. I would actually be incredibly hurt.

margotrose · 18/10/2023 18:32

This is what happens when you move abroad, though.

You chose a life away from your siblings, parents and by extension, your children's grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. None of that is your brothers' fault.

I mean, you say "this is the only time you can come due to school and work" but the same will apply to your brothers and their holidays, especially if they want to go skiing - it's not like they can go in May instead.

PeloMom · 18/10/2023 18:33

would you go to wherever they’re skiing for a couple of days?

margotrose · 18/10/2023 18:35

LilyLemonade · 18/10/2023 18:32

Wow, I’m also surprised by the responses. I would actually be incredibly hurt.

I don't think anyone's saying she can't be hurt, just that she would be unreasonable to say anything about it to her brothers.

I'm a child of parents who moved away - we also went "home" every two years and there were often people we didn't see because of work or holidays or life. That's what happens unfortunately - it's one of the aspects of moving abroad that lots of people don't seem to consider before they do it.

Ponderingwindow · 18/10/2023 18:36

If you talked to them before they booked the trip, then yes, they are being really strange.

you also don’t mention them visiting you. Do they not reciprocate?

Sparehair · 18/10/2023 18:38

I think the other thing to consider is that for many people Christmas is the most economical time of year to go on holiday because you sometimes get “free days” where the office closes between Christmas and NY and even if you don’t the multiple BH mean you don’t have to use many days to get a long break. Like this year you can get 10 straight days for only 3 days holiday assuming you work standard 5 day week. if you’re driving down to France that gives you 8 days skiing. At Feb half term you’d need 5 days hols for only 7 days skiing.

Hiddenvoice · 18/10/2023 18:38

It’s disappointing but they can’t choose their holidays either due to school and work. It’s their family time too and they want to go on holiday during their holidays which is understandable.

Do you have a family group chat? If so I’d just post on it and say you’re in the uk from these dates and would love to see you all if you’re available for a catch up. Then see what people say. It’s no one’s fault you moved away and it would be lovely for you all the have time together but you can’t expect them to stay at home to see you one day, it probably just doesn’t suit them.

Flibbertygibbetty · 18/10/2023 18:39

Why don’t you organise a whole family skiing trip for next year that way you achieve being withyour family and them enjoying skiing.

LifesShortTalkFast · 18/10/2023 18:40

I just don't feel like they want to see us as much as we want to see them and that stings

It's understandable that your feelings would be hurt by this, but I think you're going to have to accept that it's not that unusual for families to drift apart when they rarely see each other.

Try to stay in touch, let them know that you miss them and look forward to seeing them, but don't create a further rift by making a big deal about this or laying on the guilt. Relationships wax and wane and hopefully you'll see more of each other if/when circumstances change.

RB68 · 18/10/2023 18:40

So every other year you get to dictate what their Christmas looks like? No you need to back off and understand that whilst it is lovely to see everyone putting pressure to make it Christmas is wrong - people want to live life their own way not be hemmed in by what everyone else is doing. Perhaps plan visits for less busy times of year

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 18/10/2023 18:40

As someone in a very similar situation to you: the sadness you feel should be seen as just another consequence of your choice to move abroad. Many, many things flow from that decision.

You've booked your trip around school and work. So have your brothers. They will have partners and friends, obligations and duties, cheaper days to travel than others, children's preferences to accommodate - everyone makes their own choices. You're just one factor.

Let it go. Accept that all of you siblings are at the most difficult time of your lives in terms of managing many different people's wishes. It will get better once children are adults. Try to see it as a pleasant and happy thing when you do coincide, rather than force yourself to swallow your disappointment when it doesn't. You'll feel better for it.

Seas164 · 18/10/2023 18:42

Might "We will really miss seeing you at Christmas, any chance you we could join you for a couple of days if you go again next year? Let me know when you're booking and I'll check out flights etc" work?

Nobody's fault, you're fine to feel sad not to see them, they're fine to go on holiday when works for them. It happens that your visit dates don't line up this year, maybe a bit more collaboration in future could help.

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