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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My brothers don't care about seeing us when we visit over Christmas break.

147 replies

HazelDean · 18/10/2023 16:45

AIBU to be pissed off that my brothers don’t care about seeing us over Christmas? For context we live in the USA and come to the UK every other year for Christmas for about 9 days which we try and split evenly between seeing my side of the family and my DH’s. Last time we actually saw my brothers and their families during Christmas break(for a few hours on the 22nd) was 2019. My brothers knew that we are coming and still booked to go skiing (separately) for the entire length of our visit. My daughter is so disappointed not to see her cousins who she is very fond of. I am really sad too. I love seeing my neices and nephews and feel a bit heartbroken. We sometimes see them all for a couple of days in the summer but that is it. I am hurt but I don't know whether to tell them or just leave it..

OP posts:
Sparehair · 18/10/2023 18:43

I just don't feel like they want to see us as much as we want to see them and that stings

That may be true and not because of anything you’ve done but when you move away you cope by looking forward to seeing people again in the circumstances you left, whereas often they cope by forgetting about you a bit and also nature abhors a vacuum- the space you left gets filled with other people/ things.

Shinyandnew1 · 18/10/2023 18:45

They are the only dates we can come due to school and work.

They are probably going on holiday on those dates due to school and work…

estimate · 18/10/2023 18:47

I used to be the brother in this situation.

My brother and his wife used to descend every other year and christmas and the alternate year in the summer.

We had to fit in seeing my then husband's family too, at christmas and then we divorced and it got even more complicated and I got it in the neck from my mother every time - every time he came home I was expected to drop my plans to see him - even if my plans were sitting at home in my pants eating chocolate and chilling. They were mine. I worked full time was a single parent and really couldn't be doing with the stress.

Mother is dead now and he hasn't contacted me in over 5 years so it's all stopped now - thank god.

Also your DD may look forward to seeing her cousins, but are they as keen on seeing her? They may not be.

cheddercherry · 18/10/2023 18:47

I’ve been both the sibling at home and the one who’s moved away some years and although it’s lovely to try and sync up it’s just not always possible. If I’d booked to be away over Xmas it would be because I was doing a specifically festive trip like skiing so not like I could go in summer and it worked well with DC ages and wishes to go. It wouldn’t be personal to my sibling and vice versa, so while you can feel disappointed I wouldn’t take it as anything more than people have their own lives and plans and once you move away you do naturally become less of a consideration.

rookiemere · 18/10/2023 18:51

I agree with a previous poster I suspect the DWs organise the dates and sadly your DBs don't care enough to say @HazelDean is coming over it would be nice to see her for a day.

I certainly wouldn't be pretzeling yourself to go over to watch them ski for a couple of days, or organising a family ski trip.

It is odd and it is a bit rude, so I'd not be making much effort to see them going forward.

Original poster
HazelDean · 18/10/2023 18:55

Sparehair · 18/10/2023 18:43

I just don't feel like they want to see us as much as we want to see them and that stings

That may be true and not because of anything you’ve done but when you move away you cope by looking forward to seeing people again in the circumstances you left, whereas often they cope by forgetting about you a bit and also nature abhors a vacuum- the space you left gets filled with other people/ things.

This is a sad truth about moving away. Same with friends, we still have a great time on the few occasions we manage to meet up but the calls and text messages become less frequent. We only meant to be away for 2 years. It has been 12....

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 18/10/2023 18:59

Bloody hell, I have a brother who lives abroad and they visit quite regularly. We don’t always coincide on dates but I cannot conceive of not ensuring we would be together for a few days after 4 years.

OP yanbu at all to feel disappointed. It’s probably not worth saying anything but perhaps try to schedule your next visit at a time they might spare you a few hours.

Im sad to read of so many families who feel so little connection to their siblings. Obviously there are different stories for each person but this sounds like indifference rather than any fallout.

Enjoy your trip anyway.

LimeCheesecake · 18/10/2023 19:06

Could you go skiing too? The brother you get on best with, ask if he’d mind if you joined? Just seems they don’t want to do the family Christmas at home, why not try to arrange a big family skiing trip?

PattyDuckface · 18/10/2023 19:20

yeah, I think it's a poor show from your brothers and that there is a responsibility for all family members when children are young to prioritize seeing family at holidays such as Christmas.

I think you should tell them how disappointed your daughter is and that it's not just grandparents that make a family.

SadlyACupOfTeaDoesNotSolveEverything · 18/10/2023 19:26

HazelDean · 18/10/2023 17:41

I don't declare. We told them the dates in the summer before they booked their travel. They are the only dates we can come due to school and work.

Show quote history

Those are the only dates that suit you around work/school… surely that is the same for your family booking holidays too?

margotrose · 18/10/2023 19:27

yeah, I think it's a poor show from your brothers and that there is a responsibility for all family members when children are young to prioritize seeing family at holidays such as Christmas.

In that case, surely OP shouldn't have moved to America and stayed there for 12 years?

timegoesfast · 18/10/2023 19:31

your child cant be that close to her cousins she only see them 9 days out the year.
You cant be that close to your family if you only see them only 9 days out the
year.

Tryingtokeepgoing · 18/10/2023 19:36

LifesShortTalkFast · 18/10/2023 18:40

I just don't feel like they want to see us as much as we want to see them and that stings

It's understandable that your feelings would be hurt by this, but I think you're going to have to accept that it's not that unusual for families to drift apart when they rarely see each other.

Try to stay in touch, let them know that you miss them and look forward to seeing them, but don't create a further rift by making a big deal about this or laying on the guilt. Relationships wax and wane and hopefully you'll see more of each other if/when circumstances change.

The other thing is that, as the one who has moved away your trips back are the only time you get to see family. That was your choice when you moved away. And I say that as someone who has lived abroad multiple times. They see family much more often - not you, but family. So family get togethers mean less to them than you, as they happen more often.

We accepted when living abroad that we’d see people less, and we couldn’t expect them to see us when it suited us. Many families go away at Christmas - it’s a good time to take a 10 day break. The OP would have more chance of seeing them if she came back at a different time. Oh, but she can’t, because she wants to maximise her holiday, just as they do.

Those posters judging the rest of the family for doing exactly what’s she’s doing - ie doing what they want for their family - are unfair. I stand by my first post - the OP has every right to be disappointed, but it’s not her families fault and so raising it makes her look rather ‘prodigal daughter returning, please drop everything as I should be the centre of everyone’s world for a few days” which isn’t a good look. And, for what it’s worth, we found when did spend longer periods in the UK those family connections were soon restablished.

dammit88 · 18/10/2023 19:41

margotrose · 18/10/2023 18:32

This is what happens when you move abroad, though.

You chose a life away from your siblings, parents and by extension, your children's grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. None of that is your brothers' fault.

I mean, you say "this is the only time you can come due to school and work" but the same will apply to your brothers and their holidays, especially if they want to go skiing - it's not like they can go in May instead.

This really. You chose to move away. Maybe they were hurt when you did that?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 18/10/2023 19:47

It is a shame, but I wonder if you coming over and spending Christmas with your parents gives your brothers the freedom to go away without feeling guilty about not being with them?

I know what you mean though - when I go back to Ireland I want to see everyone, but often they are doing something that makes me think "Seriously? You are too busy packing for your holiday next week to meet for an hour? Okay then! See you next year! If you are not too busy wearing in new running shoes or need to stay home because your 18 year old has a cough." It was very noticeable after the pandemic. It is not that I expect things to revolve around me, only that I would make more effort if the positions were reversed.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/10/2023 19:52

Maybe they are the only dates they can go skiing though, between school and work. Maybe they like to be away for Christmas, and wanted to get the full benefit of a longer break.

Did you let them know you were coming or actually check with them when would be convenient?

Doggymummar · 18/10/2023 19:52

Your daughter is old enough to fly over herself, ergo her cousins must be too. If they are so desperate to see each other perhaps facilitate that? Takes the pressure off Christmas which doesn't seem to mean as much to them as it does to you or they would be staying home and visiting family too.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/10/2023 19:52

It is a shame, but I wonder if you coming over and spending Christmas with your parents gives your brothers the freedom to go away without feeling guilty about not being with them?

There’s this too

Original poster
HazelDean · 18/10/2023 19:57

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/10/2023 19:52

It is a shame, but I wonder if you coming over and spending Christmas with your parents gives your brothers the freedom to go away without feeling guilty about not being with them?

There’s this too

I don't think they feel any guilt over my parents. They don't see them very much any time of the year.

OP posts:
Original poster
HazelDean · 18/10/2023 20:04

dammit88 · 18/10/2023 19:41

This really. You chose to move away. Maybe they were hurt when you did that?

Show quote history

I accept the first part but I don't think they were hurt as we all lived quite far away from each other in the UK. One of my brother's lived abroad for a few years before we left. I always found time for him when he visited with his family at Christmas even if it was just for one day because I really missed him and his family. Anyway I accept that I am being unreasonable and will try and not feel sad about it.

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 18/10/2023 20:07

So you also visit each summer and try to see them. I think you have to just begin to go with the flow. Life is complicated. As a family It feels like we don't do very much but as soon as we think about arranging things , there are clashes and work around needed, so many things to coordinate. Sometimes you just have to book what you want and be a bit selfish I'm afraid. Don't take it personally, enjoy your stay.

Hbh17 · 18/10/2023 20:11

Not all adult siblings are all that fussed about each other. Doesn't mean they've fallen out, it's just not a high priority thing. The brothers in this scenario sound completely normal to me - they're just getting on with their lives.

Validus · 18/10/2023 20:14

When you move away, the family left behind miss you at first, but they rearrange their lives to carry on without you. The reality is that you aren’t part of their day to day lives, and often after a few years they barely see you/know you anymore. While it might be nice to see you (assuming you have that kind of relationship), they will prioritise their own projects, plans, wants and needs. ‘‘Twas ever thus.

letmesailletmesail · 18/10/2023 20:15

So if you're coming for 9 days, is that two weekends and a week in the middle? Is that not a substantial part of the problem? You know they like to ski at this time of the year, most ski trips are 8 days long (as you travel out on, say, a Saturday and back the following Saturday) but some who book independently like to do both weekend days at the beginning & the end as it costs very little more and doesn't use additional annual leave. Perhaps if you came for 11 or 12 days, there would be some more flexibility.
Also, where do you meet? Are you expecting your brothers to host? Or for them to visit your parents?

Original poster
HazelDean · 18/10/2023 20:25

letmesailletmesail · 18/10/2023 20:15

So if you're coming for 9 days, is that two weekends and a week in the middle? Is that not a substantial part of the problem? You know they like to ski at this time of the year, most ski trips are 8 days long (as you travel out on, say, a Saturday and back the following Saturday) but some who book independently like to do both weekend days at the beginning & the end as it costs very little more and doesn't use additional annual leave. Perhaps if you came for 11 or 12 days, there would be some more flexibility.
Also, where do you meet? Are you expecting your brothers to host? Or for them to visit your parents?

Unfortunately we can't come for any longer. My dd's school does not finish until 21st and that means due to time difference we don't arrive in UK until 22nd and then we have to be back at work on 2nd. We meet where is most convenient for everyone. Sometimes in London, sometimes at my mum's, sometimes at a restaurant somewhere. I don't expect them to host, happy to meet them at the services if it means seeing them. Anyway I accept it is not happening this year...

OP posts:
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