My brothers don't care about seeing us when we visit over Christmas break.

[HazelDean]

AIBU to be pissed off that my brothers don’t care about seeing us over Christmas? For context we live in the USA and come to the UK every other year for Christmas for about 9 days which we try and split evenly between seeing my side of the family and my DH’s. Last time we actually saw my brothers and their families during Christmas break(for a few hours on the 22nd) was 2019. My brothers knew that we are coming and still booked to go skiing (separately) for the entire length of our visit. My daughter is so disappointed not to see her cousins who she is very fond of. I am really sad too. I love seeing my neices and nephews and feel a bit heartbroken. We sometimes see them all for a couple of days in the summer but that is it. I am hurt but I don't know whether to tell them or just leave it..

Skiing hols depend on flights etc which are probably not that flexible.

There was presumably more than one reason why you left, presumably your family was never something that kept you tied in the UK anyway?

We are bounded by school holiday dates, which some posters might see as us ‘declaring’ our dates 🙄 but we don’t have much choice there.

But OP's brothers are equally "bound by school holiday dates" when it comes to when they can take their holidays.

Ultimately I think if you move abroad then this is one of the consequences and one lots of people don't really seem to think about. Life goes on without you and people won't wait around for you to visit.

Blimey. I can't believe the resentment from so many posters aimed at family members who move away. Both DH and I moved away from our families, albeit in the UK, but several hours drive away.

None of them book a holiday away after we have arranged a visit because we all want to see each other.

@HazelDean it sounds like your brothers value a skiing holiday over seeing their sister, and I totally get why you feel hurt.

It's actually tricky to book ski flights if you want to go for something different than 7 days, as many of the ski airports only have weekly flights.

So unless they are driving there and need the extra days to get there, it does feel like a bit of a deliberate choice not to be around for even a morning when OP and family are there.

Yes it does @rookiemere

It’s very common for people to go away over the festive season - if you want to catch up with everyone face to face then you probably all need to agree a date in advance where you will all be available at the same time. You can’t really expect to say ‘we’re coming over on xx date’ and expect everyone to drop everything. It would be better to say, ‘we’re planning on coming over in December - when are you about so we can meet up?’

I think it's one of those where you can only control what you do. You did the right thing giving dates early but it sounds like your brother's have different priorities with what they would like to do.

I’ve skied for 3, 5, 7 or 9 days or whatever depending on the cheap easyJet flights which fly on random days throughout the week. I always pick cheapest out and back which would rarely be a 7 day holiday.

@RampantIvy

you missed the point.
she said she informed them of the dates versus agreeing with them.
its not inappropriate to point out the arrogance of them expecting people to be free when one turns up.

Jeez

Are they envious because you have escaped and have a wealthier more comfortable life style over in the US

And then they booked a holiday to be away the entire time the OP was visiting. It clearly looks like they are avoiding her.
the fact that she "informed" them rather than giving them the heads up is neither here not there. If my sibling said they were visiting I wouldn't then go and book a holiday for the entire duration of the visit.

I think you are missing the point.
But then, I rather like my family.

@RampantIvy

the point is ex pat assuming people don’t have plans and informing of dates.

perhaps they had planned and not finally booked it’s irrelevant.

the ext pats here informed rather than agreeing the dates.

her words

I wonder if it's because you come over twice a year and they've already seen you this year, that they don't value it as being important.

I know sometimes men ( big generalisation) don't value family relationships as much as women, plus they aren't the one doing the logistics. It's a bit like men are never expected to send birthday cards but female relatives send them one.

Whatever the reason, I'd plan your visits around your DPs going forward not your DBS, they plainly aren't that bothered.

It's not resentment - just logistics!
OP visits at Christmas every year, this is usually the cheapest time to do certain things and the least busy at work so idwal. she can't expect the family to just put their plans on hold. If she cared that much she could just pay the extra, take leave and go in Jan instead.
And yes, I am from a country similar distance as the US so I know what I'm talking about.

Personally Christmas is my one chance in the year to properly relax and I wouldn't be putting my plans on hold for anybody.

OP should have suggested the dates and asked them to confirm she shouldn't have booked it and then told them. Why is it them that has to flex?

People drift when they live apart its inevitable. Maybe play down the cousin relationship and your daughter won't be so disappointed shes taking the lead from you on that. Can the cousins really be close if they see each other so infrequently.

Given that they’re having 2 skiing holidays a year I doubt that’s the case!

As an ex ex-pat, you have to accept that peoples lives go on when you choose to leave the country, and they won’t necessarily give up their holidays just to see you when you come home. We always found it better to arrange to meet up in destinations that weren’t home for either party - making it an actual holiday with family rather than a command performance at the return of the prodigal child ;)

I think in a lot of families (not all and not mine) when a son marries they can sort of just be taken over by their wife's family. Not blaming the wives, but I see this a lot - they sort of leave all planning of holidays, family visits and even at times social lives to their wives.

This often means that their own side of the family gets overlooked. There is often no malice or bad will here - they are just happy to be sort of taken over and just go with the flow.

Just when you said they don't see much of your parents either.

It is sad and I can see why you feel sad about it. You are not asking them to drop everything, just to make themselves available for a day or so.

Admittedly, when I want to visit family, I always ask when they are free first.

And they are never "command performance" visits, just a relaxed seeing the family again visit.

@LuisVitton

having handed a green card back I disagree with that statement.

you have to live in the USA and not visit to be able to fully understand the country and each state is very different.

i personally couldn’t stand the racism and the lack of equality.

I've not had a chance to read all posts but I have siblings and would go on holiday vs seeing them.

I know that sounds harsh but I'm not really that close to them and skiing with my immediate family, particularly over Xmas, is an amazing holiday plus very
£££ so they might have had to go on certain dates?

Go skiing with them