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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My brothers don't care about seeing us when we visit over Christmas break.

147 replies

HazelDean · 18/10/2023 16:45

AIBU to be pissed off that my brothers don’t care about seeing us over Christmas? For context we live in the USA and come to the UK every other year for Christmas for about 9 days which we try and split evenly between seeing my side of the family and my DH’s. Last time we actually saw my brothers and their families during Christmas break(for a few hours on the 22nd) was 2019. My brothers knew that we are coming and still booked to go skiing (separately) for the entire length of our visit. My daughter is so disappointed not to see her cousins who she is very fond of. I am really sad too. I love seeing my neices and nephews and feel a bit heartbroken. We sometimes see them all for a couple of days in the summer but that is it. I am hurt but I don't know whether to tell them or just leave it..

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 18/10/2023 20:28

My dd's school does not finish until 21st and that means due to time difference we don't arrive in UK until 22nd and then we have to be back at work on 2nd.

and when are your nieces/nephew’s school holidays?

RampantIvy · 18/10/2023 20:39

newamsterdam · 18/10/2023 16:56

So you expect to just come back when it suits you and have the npc's just waiting for you to come and visit them? That's not how that works.

If my sister lived in the US and had arranged to visit at Christmas I would make sure that I wasn't away, so I'm afraid I disagree with you.

@HazelDean I'm sorry your family and most of the posters on this thread don't get it. I do, and I feel your disappointment.

Original poster
HazelDean · 18/10/2023 20:40

Shinyandnew1 · 18/10/2023 20:28

My dd's school does not finish until 21st and that means due to time difference we don't arrive in UK until 22nd and then we have to be back at work on 2nd.

and when are your nieces/nephew’s school holidays?

I believe they break up on the 15th.

OP posts:
Aria999 · 18/10/2023 20:44

We also live in the USA and visit at Christmas so I feel your pain!

I think I would be fine with it as long as they said up front that they didn't plan to be there, when I was frantically emailing round everyone in July trying to put the pieces together in a way that everyone can manage.

I might be a bit upset if they said or implied they could see us and then changed their minds after everything is booked.

I always feel a bit bad trying to pin everybody down to plan their Christmas in July but I can't see any way round it, everything gets booked up and / or super expensive.

Shinyandnew1 · 18/10/2023 20:47

HazelDean · 18/10/2023 20:40

I believe they break up on the 15th.

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That is very early-I’m surprised all of the children break up then. When are they away?

RampantIvy · 18/10/2023 20:47

Shinyandnew1 · 18/10/2023 20:47

That is very early-I’m surprised all of the children break up then. When are they away?

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Maybe they are privately educated?

Shinyandnew1 · 18/10/2023 20:49

Ah yes, fair point.

MiniBossFromAus · 18/10/2023 20:52

I would like to know where they have found reliable snow before Xmas. I personally would not book a European skiing holiday in December. Snow in December is becoming increasingly difficult to rely on.

There are some ski resorts and towns closing in Europe for this very reason.

Ps - yanbu OP.

Twilight7777 · 18/10/2023 20:59

If you saw them in the summer too, maybe they feel like it’s not such a big deal not to see you at Christmas?

PTAProblems · 18/10/2023 21:00

I have 2 brothers and am the only sister. We all live in the same city and only see each other when I make arrangements. I've outright asked them if they don't like meeting up and they were horrified. Turns out they're both just more interested in prioritising their friends and hobbies than their family. Their choice. Now I do the same. We see each other a lot less but I'm a lot happier. Maybe your brothers are like mine.

Original poster
HazelDean · 18/10/2023 21:01

PTAProblems · 18/10/2023 21:00

I have 2 brothers and am the only sister. We all live in the same city and only see each other when I make arrangements. I've outright asked them if they don't like meeting up and they were horrified. Turns out they're both just more interested in prioritising their friends and hobbies than their family. Their choice. Now I do the same. We see each other a lot less but I'm a lot happier. Maybe your brothers are like mine.

Edited

One of them definitely is!

OP posts:
Original poster
HazelDean · 18/10/2023 21:02

Twilight7777 · 18/10/2023 20:59

If you saw them in the summer too, maybe they feel like it’s not such a big deal not to see you at Christmas?

Yep. Maybe so... I think I crave seeing them more as we have no family at all where we live abroad..

OP posts:
Original poster
HazelDean · 18/10/2023 21:04

RampantIvy · 18/10/2023 20:47

Maybe they are privately educated?

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Some them go to state school in the same county but I think it seems early as 15th is a Friday so officially they are not on break until the 18th... I think they go back on the 2nd.

OP posts:
ssd · 18/10/2023 21:11

@HazelDean , next year try telling them you are coming over mid January and see what happens....

PosterBoy · 18/10/2023 21:46

HazelDean · 18/10/2023 20:40

I believe they break up on the 15th.

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Really?

Even the private schools near us break up on the 20th. 15th is very early. Are you sure?

Original poster
HazelDean · 18/10/2023 21:51

PosterBoy · 18/10/2023 21:46

Really?

Even the private schools near us break up on the 20th. 15th is very early. Are you sure?

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From the county council school term dates page:

Christmas holiday Monday 18 December to Friday 29 December 2023 (so last day of school is 15th and 1st day back is the 2nd)

My other brother's kids go to a private that breaks up on the 14th

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 18/10/2023 22:00

YABU.

You are not being unreasonable to be disappointed, but you would be unreasonable to make a big deal about it. Their lives continued when you left the UK, and won't necessarily stop just because you're returning. Skiing might be a big thing for them, as a family. You see coming 'home' as a big thing, because you only do it every few years. To them life goes on.

I'm not sure why you would expect them to take a short break rather than a full holiday because you choose to be here on certain dates. They too have restrictions like school terms, and presumably some restrictions on Annual Leave.

Why not have a full and proper conversation when you are next due over before you book your flights. Maybe agree to ALL go to wherever there is some skiing available. Or maybe find another date that isn't Christmas, to come over?

Bearpawk · 18/10/2023 22:03

Did you include them in the conversation whilst planning your visit ? 'I.e we're thinking of coming over x dates, will everyone be around then?'

HarrietStyles · 18/10/2023 22:21

My brother lives in australia with his wife and kids. We only see them once every year, or every other year. My children have lots of Aunts/Uncles/Cousins who live nearby, who they see often and who they have close relationships with. The sad truth is that they don’t really know the two Australian cousins, and don’t feel like they miss out on a relationship with them - because they have plenty of other cousins nearby. The Australian kids don’t have any family in Australia and so are super keen to hang out when they visit and then want to FaceTime constantly. I honestly do try to facilitate this, but my kids just aren’t interested in kids they barely see or know, so it’s hard to force. And they don’t have the same loving relationship with this Aunt and Uncle. It’s a consequence of their decision to live (and have children) on the other side of the world.

I wonder if this might be the same for your brothers and their children. I doubt they mean any malice, but their lives have moved on without you (being so far away for 12 years) and they have good friends and family close by. So you just aren’t a huge part of their lives anymore. And perhaps the UK cousins are all close and don’t really miss your child in the same way that she misses them? That’s sad for your daughter, but it is a downside of raising your children in a different country to their extended family.

For you they are your family and you don’t have any near where you live - so you miss them and it’s a big deal to be able to go visit them. For them they have lots of family nearby that they are close to, and you are just the distant sister who they see occasionally. Coming from two very different positions.

PosterBoy · 18/10/2023 22:25

HazelDean · 18/10/2023 21:51

From the county council school term dates page:

Christmas holiday Monday 18 December to Friday 29 December 2023 (so last day of school is 15th and 1st day back is the 2nd)

My other brother's kids go to a private that breaks up on the 14th

Show quote history

God they are lucky, we are 22nd. I'd be straight out of there with those holiday dates, lucky them!

PosterBoy · 18/10/2023 22:28

Looking at your holiday dates and theirs, it was never going to work really, was it, if they wanted a decent holiday without paying through the nose for flights close to Xmas.

VenusClapTrap · 18/10/2023 22:28

Yanbu. We have this problem. Every Christmas we drive over to dh’s home country in Europe and try to see everyone. For the last two years, despite dh asking SIL from the summer onwards which dates would work for her, and the response being “too soon to plan, we’ll think about it nearer the time”, she has gone away on a skiing holiday when we visit.

He’s now trying to organise a summer family camping trip for everyone (groan) and it’s like herding cats.

He gets very sad about it, especially as the dc get older and see their cousins less and less.

Kitkatfiend31 · 18/10/2023 22:30

You TOLD them your dates and expect them to be available. You need to talk to them about when would work if you want to see them. We are on the other end of this and it is annoying. We have been on holiday for almost the whole time a relative is in the country because that was the holiday that worked for us. I can understand your disappointment but you need to have a proper, two way, conversation.

Maddy70 · 18/10/2023 22:45

I live abroad. I totally get your disappointment but you are being unreasonable. You can't possibly expect your brothers to not go on holiday because the dates you are back are the dates they want to go away. They only have limited holiday entitlement.

They are leading their own lives as are you.

Original poster
HazelDean · 18/10/2023 22:54

Kitkatfiend31 · 18/10/2023 22:30

You TOLD them your dates and expect them to be available. You need to talk to them about when would work if you want to see them. We are on the other end of this and it is annoying. We have been on holiday for almost the whole time a relative is in the country because that was the holiday that worked for us. I can understand your disappointment but you need to have a proper, two way, conversation.

I see your point, but the reason I told them the dates as there are no other dates we can do. Every free day we have over Christmas is spent in Uk. I couldn’t come a few days earlier as my teen has exams until 21st. I do try and work around people and do work around my brother’s summer holidays but we had no flexibility this time.

OP posts: