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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to uninvite these children to my wedding.

135 replies

ThirdDressStress · 18/10/2023 12:03

Ok this is messy. I have a family member who has supervised contact with her children, me being the supervisor. All fine, it ticks along and the children are invited to my wedding in a few weeks with their mum (my family member) then dad will collect them.

Firstly dad was being awkward around times and wanted to collect them in the middle of the wedding breakfast. We reached a compromise that he would collect them before the wedding breakfast because he felt afterwards would be too late (there is a long journey home so he's not being unreasonable).

Now we have a situation where dad has decided to stop contact. I won't comment on whether or not I agree with this as it's not really relevant. He has said mum will have to go back to court to reestablish contact. Now this is not going to be a fast process.

So very selfishly of me - Dad has said the kids are still ok to go to the wedding - however I am concerned that seeing mum after no contact for a couple of weeks is going to be confusing to the children and they are going t be very upset when they have to leave knowing they won't see mum again until who knows when.

I really don't want a scene at the wedding, I don't want my family member being upset or young children being dragged away in distress. It will be awful for them, for my family member, for me and everyone else at the wedding to witness.

If i uninvite them I will be the ad guy but I think it's in their best interest to? Or would it be a nice opportunity to see their mum?

The children are 5 & 6.

OP posts:
jiinglebells · 18/10/2023 12:07

Is it in the best interests of the children to suddenly see their mum again in what will be a very busy / un-calm environment? I can't imagine a wedding being the best place for reintroducing after some time apart, especially when there's going to be some sad goodbye for them. It sounds like it'll be really confusing for the children and perhaps upsetting?

If he's collecting them before the wedding breakfast, they'll only really see the ceremony and not be spending much time interacting with their mum anyway it sounds like? So it'll be even more confusing for them.

I'd personally change the invite, it doesn't sound like it's in anyone's best interests at the moment!

BoohooWoohoo · 18/10/2023 12:08

Difficult !

Do you have to be present at the handover?

Yanbu to think that it could get messy because the kids haven't seen their mum for several weeks and saying goodbye will be hard.

Is mum likely to hand over the kids peacefully? Or are you expected to bring out the kids because mum and dad can't be in the same place?

Takacupokindnessyet · 18/10/2023 12:08

I don't think this is something anyone from outside can really answer as it is very much dependent on the individual children and circumstances. I would suggest discussing your concerns with the father first before making a decision.

PenguinRainbows · 18/10/2023 12:09

This could get messy and your wedding is not appropriate to try this out.

Don’t get caught in the crossfire trying to be nice. This is your day. Put you first. Uninvite them.

LeavesOnTrees · 18/10/2023 12:12

Do what's best for the children

WhatNoRaisins · 18/10/2023 12:12

I'd only contemplate this if there was another family member who could support the children here. Agree with PP that it might be too hard on the kids

DuploTrain · 18/10/2023 12:14

If the condition is that you are supervising them.. you won’t be able to do that at your wedding - so they would be in sole charge of their mum (which presumably isn’t allowed?).

What if you tell the dad that you’re unable to supervise.. he might decide that it’s best they don’t come, rather than you uninviting them.

It doesn’t sound like it’s in the best interests of the children to come.

CalistoNoSolo · 18/10/2023 12:15

I think it would be madness and could be really traumatic for the children, to continue with this plan. I think the plan could have backfired even before the father had stopped contact. And how do you propose to actually supervise two young children on your wedding day when your (sister? cousin? daughter?) isn't allowed to look after them without you keeping an eye on her?

SaracensMavericks · 18/10/2023 12:16

I think in this situation it would be better for everyone if the children don't come to the wedding.

Speedygonzales78 · 18/10/2023 12:16

I don't understand why he's removing contact but will allow them to go to the wedding with her? Is he just trying to be a dick?

Original poster
ThirdDressStress · 18/10/2023 12:18

I think it will be very upsetting for the kids. I want to do what's best for them but it's hard to know if I am just being selfish.

Mum and dad can't be in the same place but our whole family are there so someone else could hand over.

I can just see it now, two kids crying and running off. Family member upset and crying in the loos, dh side of the family not having a clue what is going on and me the bride stuck in the middle.

I sound like such a spoilt bridzilla I know but that is not how I want to start married life.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThirdDressStress · 18/10/2023 12:19

CalistoNoSolo · 18/10/2023 12:15

I think it would be madness and could be really traumatic for the children, to continue with this plan. I think the plan could have backfired even before the father had stopped contact. And how do you propose to actually supervise two young children on your wedding day when your (sister? cousin? daughter?) isn't allowed to look after them without you keeping an eye on her?

The whole of family would be at the wedding so between us all she wouldn't be alone with the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThirdDressStress · 18/10/2023 12:20

Speedygonzales78 · 18/10/2023 12:16

I don't understand why he's removing contact but will allow them to go to the wedding with her? Is he just trying to be a dick?

Without defending him, I actually think in his mind he is enabling their relationship with the family on this side. He just hasn't thought through the logistics, or maybe he expects me to uninvite family member so the kids can go. Not really sure.

OP posts:
PenguinRainbows · 18/10/2023 12:20

You’re not being a spoilt bridezilla. There is nothing wrong with putting YOURSELF first on YOUR wedding day.

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 18/10/2023 12:20

Why is he stopping contact?

DuploTrain · 18/10/2023 12:21

You don’t sound like a bridezilla at all. You should be able to enjoy your wedding day without worrying about someone else’s children! And it wouldn’t be fair on them either.

YourNameGoesHere · 18/10/2023 12:22

Don't think of it as uninviting them think of it as putting their best interests first. You're not even remotely being a bridezilla to not want this drama and chaos on your wedding day.

I'm really surprised dad still thinks they should come and would put his two quite small kids through the unnecessary trauma of seeing their mum after stopping contact.

icantchangetime · 18/10/2023 12:24

LeavesOnTrees · 18/10/2023 12:12

Do what's best for the children

Which is???

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/10/2023 12:25

It’ll be so confusing and upsetting for them, they’re so young and already having a horribly difficult time, tell him you don’t think it’s appropriate for them to come.

Ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyourbiscuit · 18/10/2023 12:26

Yanbu.

I would message dad and say;

I understand you have stopped contact with mum. Obviously the wedding will not be an appropriate environment for the kids to see their mum when their routine has changed and is all up in the air. Although I’d love to see the kids, It would be in their best interests not to attend as it would potentially be very upsetting and stressful for them. I’m sure you understand. Hope to see you soon.

TheGooseDrankWine · 18/10/2023 12:27

What is the pleasure for these kids in bring at a wedding anyway?

You are getting married and cannot commit to the supervision that is your role for supervised contact.

The father, who seems to have residency, has withdrawn contact.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of that, your wedding (any big public occasion) is not the place to use / not use as contact.

It doesn’t sound in the children’s best interests to be plonked into this and then yanked out again.

Timeforchangeithink · 18/10/2023 12:30

You are the agreed supervisor surely it can't just be passed on to someone else (who may or may not want to be put in that position)? You can't supervise so kids don't go. You are in no way being a bridezilla, this is your wedding day!

Original poster
ThirdDressStress · 18/10/2023 12:30

Thank you @Ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyourbiscuit that is a great way to put it to dad.

I absolutely adore the kids and have done everything I can to enable contact so it's sad for me too that it's not continuing at the moment. He has said I can still see them so I will carry on with that. Just not at the wedding.

Those that asked, he feels it's not in the children's best interests as mum can be unreliable, her life is quite chaotic and she hasn't engaged with any of the services that she was required to, meaning contact continues to be supervised. I will be unable to supervise in the new year anyway which wouldn't have been a problem if mum had made steps required, she would have been able to have unsupervised contact but it's looking like that won't be an option due to the lack of engagement.

Again this is not a criticism of dads choices, not at all. I just think this particular circumstance isn't workable.

OP posts:
GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 18/10/2023 12:32

I'm really surprised dad thinks they should come still. But in your place I would be very uncomfortable with effectively being the one who says they can't see their mum. I would be very worried that that would permenantly damage your relationship with them if they're told they've been uninvited. I would expect that they'd feel you don't love them.

Is there any way you can call their dad and talk through, calmly, about your worries about how it will affect them? Hopefully you could meet a mutual decision on what's best for them, whether that's them not coming at all, or perhaps going home with grandparents and being collected by him the next day, so they're not being collected from a place where their mum is, or something in between.

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 18/10/2023 12:32

If this mother is there then she will be in charge of the kids not you

You are supposed to be the supervisor....

Whilst you are busy she could leave the venue with the kids, indulge in any addictions or any manner of things for that matter

There is a reason these kids need supervised contact. Supervised being key here