to uninvite these children to my wedding.

[ThirdDressStress]

Ok this is messy. I have a family member who has supervised contact with her children, me being the supervisor. All fine, it ticks along and the children are invited to my wedding in a few weeks with their mum (my family member) then dad will collect them.

Firstly dad was being awkward around times and wanted to collect them in the middle of the wedding breakfast. We reached a compromise that he would collect them before the wedding breakfast because he felt afterwards would be too late (there is a long journey home so he's not being unreasonable).

Now we have a situation where dad has decided to stop contact. I won't comment on whether or not I agree with this as it's not really relevant. He has said mum will have to go back to court to reestablish contact. Now this is not going to be a fast process.

So very selfishly of me - Dad has said the kids are still ok to go to the wedding - however I am concerned that seeing mum after no contact for a couple of weeks is going to be confusing to the children and they are going t be very upset when they have to leave knowing they won't see mum again until who knows when.

I really don't want a scene at the wedding, I don't want my family member being upset or young children being dragged away in distress. It will be awful for them, for my family member, for me and everyone else at the wedding to witness.

If i uninvite them I will be the ad guy but I think it's in their best interest to? Or would it be a nice opportunity to see their mum?

The children are 5 & 6.

This difficult situation should have been thought about in advance. It wasn't. Obviously you can't supervise the contact with their mum at your wedding, you need to discuss with the Dad what he wants to happen. You aren't the parent.

Did you just not bother to read the OP or something?

Thank you so much and I am so pleased that you are in recovery. I know that could not have been an easy journey for you.

Sorry but I do think they shouldn't come to the wedding in these circumstances. Glad you are going to be keeping in touch with them poor souls .

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Re-establishing contact needs to be done in a calm , controlled situation where the only thing to be taken into consideration is the contact. That means you can remove the children or deal with upset BP etc.
A wedding is NOT the place to do this. You have nobidea or control over how either child or BM will manage this.
You are not the bad person. You were happy for them to come but circumstances out of your control have changed that now.
BP may not be able to see that but often their own emotions and feelings restrict seeing whats best for their children.

oh dear sounds a shame about the dad. well. putting the children at the heart of the decision making - he can't just drop them off at the wedding and not think about the huge distress this will cause them seeing their mum so briefly and with her distracted.

Is there any persuading him to keep contact going in the run up to the wedding?

He's the op given this information? Or are you surmising? I haven't read all the thread yet so I may have missed that . But whether or not she has confirmed this, your glib reply was unnecessary .makes you look like a bit of a dick really .

Have you actually read the Op's posts? No mention of Drugs - and plenty of other possible reasons why the Mother of these children clearly can't cope at present. Have some compassion, instead of making judgement posts

in these circumstances you definitely do not sound like a Bridezilla, it’s not fair for you to be on tenterhooks on your wedding day. Can you offer the children a lovely day out afterwards instead? Theme park, whatever? This is really on the dad, not you.

Unless the children are accustomed to attending weddings then they won’t have any preconceptions/disappointment. If they need to leave so early they will wonder what the fuss was all about and feel aggrieved they are the only ones going home.
At their age fun is an excuse to run around in an unfamiliar place, exploring and chasing cousins. Have a think about where your family can take the children for a child centred activity shared by the cousins. If you can afford it a small keepsake gift to commemorate the fact that you are now married.

There are so many reasons now not to have this family at your wedding, that it seems pretty much a no-brainer.

It's a shame so much has changed since your original invitation, but a wedding invite is not a sacred contract, and the new family circumstances could make your wedding a potentially very distressing experience for you and the children - who, let's not forget, are the most important people in all this. You and your partner have got to be able to enjoy your own wedding, fgs.

Also, family love isn't just one way. I can understand that you don't want to upset your family member when she's in a bad way, but it's not as if you don't put yourself out for her and her kids every other day of the year. It might even do her some good to realise that her behaviours have consequences; that what she does actually matters.

And don't feel guilty that the kids are missing out. Newsflash, kids get bored at weddings, and don't necessarily play happily with cousins etc, especially if they don't know each other. Maybe, if the parents put a bit of time and effort into encouraging them to play together - but er, that would be you, wouldn't it!

It's good that you posted because it feels like you want to get some perspective and see the situation more objectively. Hope these replies help.

This sounds like a horrible situation for those kids and for you. Both parents are behaving badly.

No, it's NOT "reasonable" for the father to deprive them of being at your wedding breakfast because of a long drive. It's their aunt's wedding. They have a close enough relationship with you that you supervise their visits with their mother. The father should be willing to deal with inconvenience and potentially overtired kids on this one occasion. He is the one creating this problem by wanting to drag them out half-way through.

I would ask him if he could relax on this one occasion. Could you do a swap, where he gets an extra day some other time and lets them stay at the wedding for the entire day?

You're reasonable not to want any kind of drama at the wedding, and for me that includes a hand-over. It's totally inappropriate for anyone to expect a hand-over to happen at your wedding or even on the same day!

You're missing an very important point, but its ok because the OP is ignoring it to.

The OP's sister is not allowed unsupervised contact with her children for the safety/wellbeing of the children. There is a court order in place. The OP is the designated supervisor.

The OP cannot be the bride and designated supervisor of the contact at her own wedding, and cannot farm out the responsibility to other family members.

The children and the sister should never have been invited to the same event in the first place without stopping to consider the court order. When the father picks up the children has never been relevant to the problem. The problem has been the OP forgetting about the court order and her role as contact supervisor seriously when planning her wedding.

Families. They're complicated. Being a contact supervisor is a serious responsibility.

I really wish people would stop being so judgemental and critical of the mother when we do not know any details about what she has gone through.

The dad certainly sounds like an awful controlling violent bully.

@ThirdDressStress I feel for you. You're a good person and I'm really glad you're there to support your sister through her darkness. I really really hope that dad still lets you have a relationship with the children. I hope your sister finds the strength to get her through and recover and get contact reinstated. I feel for you, your sister and her children in this situation.

All the best x

Already answered - mum’s life is chaotic and she’s not engaging with services as agreed. And OP has said the kids would notice if their mum wasn’t there.

@DogInATent I'm not ignoring the point, I have already answered it early in the thread. There are 5 siblings so one of us would be supervising throughout. The dad knows I am the bride and will be busy. He is dropping the children with my brother in law two hours before the wedding starts so he knows I personally won't be there at that point.

I am not named as supervisor in the court order, it says that contact must be supervised, not who by. (I assume as I haven't actually seen it) i wasn't involved in the court proceedings at all, I was asked my my sister to supervise and dad agreed that he would allow me to all prior to the court case and then it has just continued on.

I haven't read the entire thread in detail, but I have read OP's post's, and the thing that struck me is that her sibling (the mother) seems 'frozen', and the description of the father's conduct towards the OP, gives an indication as to why the mother is frozen, she probably suffered far worse at his hands.

Whilst the OP is asking about the kids at the wedding (let them come and see their mother for the short while is better than not seeing her at all and not understanding why - father will have told them something but not necessarily the truth), the reality is that the underlying issues clearly haven't been resolved by the court order for child arrangements. Frankly unsurprising as the courts don't always provide the best outcomes and sometimes decide the victim is the perpetrator and swap residence.

The mother, in my view, needs a solicitor who understands domestic abuse, VAWG, and DARVO, and can refer mother to relevant services in her area to enable her to start getting her life back on track, not to mention making an urgent application for the contact to be re-instated. Mother could get a hearing within 4 weeks, or perhaps sooner if she refers to the family wedding.

The father sounds controlling.

Op said the man in question has a habit of lying and twisting things, so there could be more to it than meets the eye

Thank you for understanding. I can't and don't defend my sister but life is never so clear cut and people don't act in a vacuum. We all think we would do things in a particular way but unless we go through those circumstances we can never truly know what we would do.

There but for the grace of god I go or whatever the saying is.

Mum is the OP’s sister, and without a proper understanding of what is clearly a complicated and distressing situation and any mental health issues involved, you have no right to sit in judgement.

Perhaps you’d like to show us all where the OP has made any reference to drugs in relation to the situation. Even if she had, it wouldn’t excuse such a disgustingly ignorant and offensive comment. Shame on you.

Mother is Op's sister. Op says she is in a dark place. Why would Op would want to isolate her from family on such important day? 2 hour attendance to wedding would mean less to 5 /6 year old kids than a sister's wedding to a 30 something woman struggling mentally

Good thing she is not your sister

they both dont sound like great parents-i would try and keep calm and explain its probably not a goodidea but he could twist things to make you look like the bad one

Nothing much to add here but I just wanted to say Im sorry you are going through this, what stress.

At 5 and 6 they won't remember.

You are doing magnificently to support their contact with their mum and your own relationship with them.

Keep going, stay strong, good luck and have a wonderful day at your wedding x