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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to uninvite these children to my wedding.

135 replies

ThirdDressStress · 18/10/2023 12:03

Ok this is messy. I have a family member who has supervised contact with her children, me being the supervisor. All fine, it ticks along and the children are invited to my wedding in a few weeks with their mum (my family member) then dad will collect them.

Firstly dad was being awkward around times and wanted to collect them in the middle of the wedding breakfast. We reached a compromise that he would collect them before the wedding breakfast because he felt afterwards would be too late (there is a long journey home so he's not being unreasonable).

Now we have a situation where dad has decided to stop contact. I won't comment on whether or not I agree with this as it's not really relevant. He has said mum will have to go back to court to reestablish contact. Now this is not going to be a fast process.

So very selfishly of me - Dad has said the kids are still ok to go to the wedding - however I am concerned that seeing mum after no contact for a couple of weeks is going to be confusing to the children and they are going t be very upset when they have to leave knowing they won't see mum again until who knows when.

I really don't want a scene at the wedding, I don't want my family member being upset or young children being dragged away in distress. It will be awful for them, for my family member, for me and everyone else at the wedding to witness.

If i uninvite them I will be the ad guy but I think it's in their best interest to? Or would it be a nice opportunity to see their mum?

The children are 5 & 6.

OP posts:
JustAMinutePleass · 18/10/2023 12:32

Why has the father withdrawn contact? If there’s a real reason other than him being a dick then it’s in the children’t best interest not to go. If there isn’t a reason then your DS must take him to court

Original poster
ThirdDressStress · 18/10/2023 12:35

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 18/10/2023 12:32

I'm really surprised dad thinks they should come still. But in your place I would be very uncomfortable with effectively being the one who says they can't see their mum. I would be very worried that that would permenantly damage your relationship with them if they're told they've been uninvited. I would expect that they'd feel you don't love them.

Is there any way you can call their dad and talk through, calmly, about your worries about how it will affect them? Hopefully you could meet a mutual decision on what's best for them, whether that's them not coming at all, or perhaps going home with grandparents and being collected by him the next day, so they're not being collected from a place where their mum is, or something in between.

I am massively worried about that. I would hate the children to think that they aren't loved and part of the family. All their cousins will be there, their aunts and uncles. It's so upsetting and I just feel helpless to make it all ok.

OP posts:
YourNameGoesHere · 18/10/2023 12:37

ThirdDressStress · 18/10/2023 12:30

Thank you @Ifyoulikealotofchocolateonyourbiscuit that is a great way to put it to dad.

I absolutely adore the kids and have done everything I can to enable contact so it's sad for me too that it's not continuing at the moment. He has said I can still see them so I will carry on with that. Just not at the wedding.

Those that asked, he feels it's not in the children's best interests as mum can be unreliable, her life is quite chaotic and she hasn't engaged with any of the services that she was required to, meaning contact continues to be supervised. I will be unable to supervise in the new year anyway which wouldn't have been a problem if mum had made steps required, she would have been able to have unsupervised contact but it's looking like that won't be an option due to the lack of engagement.

Again this is not a criticism of dads choices, not at all. I just think this particular circumstance isn't workable.

Actually given this update I'd be inclined to say their mum should be the one not attending. Why should her poor kids miss out on spending quality time with their family and cousins and attending a wedding they are probably excited about because mum hasn't made any effort to change.

DuploTrain · 18/10/2023 12:38

It sounds like the kids are really lucky to have you in their life.

I don’t know if there is really a way around it though other than uninviting their mum, which presumably isn’t an option.

Can you do a little celebration at your house another time with their cousins or something else that they can be included in?

mindutopia · 18/10/2023 12:39

You are responsible for providing supervision of their contact. Even if things were going well and dad had no stopped contact, then I don't think it would be appropriate for them to have attended. Because it's your wedding day and you will be enjoying your wedding, not safely supervising their contact. It's just not a suitable situation for anyone.

And yes, given the circumstances, the best thing is for the children not to attend. You can do your best to make sure that they know you care about them and would have wanted them there, but the situation with their mum means that it's not an appropriate scenario for them to be dropped into without appropriate support for what is likely to be an upsetting experience.

LlynTegid · 18/10/2023 12:41

I don't think the first time you meet their mum should be at the wedding.

PenguinRainbows · 18/10/2023 12:43

LlynTegid · 18/10/2023 12:41

I don't think the first time you meet their mum should be at the wedding.

The mum is OP’s family member Confused

BreadandButterDinners · 18/10/2023 12:45

As DuploTrain suggested, a small celebration with all the cousins another time might be the best option, if that's possible?

Original poster
ThirdDressStress · 18/10/2023 12:46

I keep thinking it through and it is just not doable.

They haven't seen mum for weeks, they are say in the wedding and she comes down the aisle (bridesmaid) and they can't immediately go to her. Remember they are 5 & 6 so young.

Then after the ceremony there will be photos etc so not really quality time for them.

Then dad picks them up, all their family stays at the party and they have to leave, not knowing when they will next see mum.

I can't put two young children through that. It's unfair on them, on mum, on us.

I think I need to just put on my big girl pants and speak to their dad. I just hope he doesn't stop us having contact over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThirdDressStress · 18/10/2023 12:48

Thanks for the suggestion of another celebration, I think that's what I have to suggest. I am so angry and frustrated about the whole thing but that's a whole other thread.

OP posts:
DuploTrain · 18/10/2023 12:49

You never know, the dad might be relieved… he might not actually want them to go but doesn’t want to be accused to keeping them away from their mum’s family.

Toffeebythesea · 18/10/2023 12:49

I would uninvite their mum. It sounds like she has already done so much damage to these poor children's lives. She should be the one who misses out, not them. Or maybe she can come after the children have left.

TinChristmas · 18/10/2023 12:50

Meh. My parents were in a messy part of their divorce process when my dad remarried and my cousins were there. I didn’t go and was a similar age and didn’t really know about it. So from the children’s point of view you can take them out for a special meal/mini party to celebrate your wedding and they won’t know any different.

i agree it’s not the place for you to be anxious about being the ones the kids go to during visitation and you are their constant and can’t be available for them on the day.

Original poster
ThirdDressStress · 18/10/2023 12:51

Toffeebythesea · 18/10/2023 12:49

I would uninvite their mum. It sounds like she has already done so much damage to these poor children's lives. She should be the one who misses out, not them. Or maybe she can come after the children have left.

I can't do that to her, she is an a very dark place right now and while a lot of it is her own choices and the consequences of those I still love her and wouldn't want to push her over the edge. She is really struggling.

Plus the children would notice she's not there. That would be confusing for them too.

OP posts:
MrsPerfect12 · 18/10/2023 12:52

I think a conversation is better than text for this with dad.

Universalsnail · 18/10/2023 12:52

I would uninvite them. I don't think it is in the best interest of the children to see mum for the first and last time in ages and also it's your wedding and you don't need this drama on your wedding day.

OneLittleFinger · 18/10/2023 12:53

Do the children know about the wedding and are they looking forward to it?

Original poster
ThirdDressStress · 18/10/2023 12:53

DuploTrain · 18/10/2023 12:49

You never know, the dad might be relieved… he might not actually want them to go but doesn’t want to be accused to keeping them away from their mum’s family.

I hope so. We have never gotten along so I tread on egg shells but I genuinely can't fault him for how he has stepped up with the kids. I just hope it doesn't piss him off.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 18/10/2023 12:54

I don't think you're being selfish here. Seeing their mum at the wedding for the first time after contact has been stopped is likely to be difficult and upsetting for them. Tell their dad you'll send them some cake/a present instead.

Original poster
ThirdDressStress · 18/10/2023 12:54

MrsPerfect12 · 18/10/2023 12:52

I think a conversation is better than text for this with dad.

Everything goes through text because he lies and twists things otherwise. I only communicate with him in a recorded way.

OP posts:
Honeybee798 · 18/10/2023 12:55

All I get from this post is that the only person who isn’t thinking about the needs of these young children is their mother. I don’t know how you can even want someone like that as your bridesmaid as you’ve said yourself she’s made zero effort to be more stable and a better parent. She’s the only one you should feel any angst towards here. You and their father are just trying to keep them happy, although this seems like a lose lose for them, you and him. Very sad that they’ve ended up with a mother like this.

ToadOnTheHill · 18/10/2023 12:56

I think you just need t sya your love to have them at the wedding but you are the bride and therefore not able to carry out a supervisory role. Therefore of he wants them to come, he needs to send them with an appropriate adult (and or that there isnt space for another adult to attend).

You need to be really careful to leave the decision about what's in the childrens best interest to him. FWIW I fully agree with you, that its not good for them to see her at the wedding after a period without contact BUT you need to stay away from voicing that concern s you have no parental responsibility and it might piss him off and stop your contact with them.

Stick to the facts. You camt supervise and there isnt space for another adult at this late time in the day or an adult alin the wedding party who can take on that role.

Imjusttootired · 18/10/2023 12:58

so in my opinion and this is from experience you need to ask your self if you agree with what he is saying ? Has there been enough issues that stopping contact until a court order is reasonable ?
if there is reasons as to why then I would invite the kids and not the mum.

DogInATent · 18/10/2023 13:00

If you can't uninvite the mum you have to uninvite the children.

Quite frankly, it sounds bonkers that you'd even consider inviting the children in the first place when the mum is only allowed supervised contact and you're the nominated supervisor. It's your wedding, you can either be the bride or the supervisor. It's crazy to even consider you could be both on the same day. Head wobble and get realistic about the situation.

PottedPlantsObsess · 18/10/2023 13:00

This. Irrelevant why he is stopping contact or the context. This is between him and the ex partner. You are there to supervise, yet cannot be expected to do so on your wedding day. At this point you are trying to organise and compromise- not your rodeo. Do everyone a favour, mostly yourself and step away.