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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to uninvite these children to my wedding.

135 replies

ThirdDressStress · 18/10/2023 12:03

Ok this is messy. I have a family member who has supervised contact with her children, me being the supervisor. All fine, it ticks along and the children are invited to my wedding in a few weeks with their mum (my family member) then dad will collect them.

Firstly dad was being awkward around times and wanted to collect them in the middle of the wedding breakfast. We reached a compromise that he would collect them before the wedding breakfast because he felt afterwards would be too late (there is a long journey home so he's not being unreasonable).

Now we have a situation where dad has decided to stop contact. I won't comment on whether or not I agree with this as it's not really relevant. He has said mum will have to go back to court to reestablish contact. Now this is not going to be a fast process.

So very selfishly of me - Dad has said the kids are still ok to go to the wedding - however I am concerned that seeing mum after no contact for a couple of weeks is going to be confusing to the children and they are going t be very upset when they have to leave knowing they won't see mum again until who knows when.

I really don't want a scene at the wedding, I don't want my family member being upset or young children being dragged away in distress. It will be awful for them, for my family member, for me and everyone else at the wedding to witness.

If i uninvite them I will be the ad guy but I think it's in their best interest to? Or would it be a nice opportunity to see their mum?

The children are 5 & 6.

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 18/10/2023 14:58

Keep your explanation child focused and dad will hopefully understand. He won't want to pick up kids who are potentially very upset and angry. Weddings are happy occasions and this has the potential to be traumatic for the kids.

Lovelydovey · 18/10/2023 14:58

Can you invite dad to the wedding too to supervise?

SummerDawn2000 · 18/10/2023 15:02

You are not being a spoilt bridezilla. You are thinking of what is best for those children. Complete opposite of being selfish. You don’t want them to remember a family event that upset them.

TheGooseDrankWine · 18/10/2023 15:19

Lovelydovey · 18/10/2023 14:58

Can you invite dad to the wedding too to supervise?

By the sounds of it, if you read all the OP's posts, no she definitely can'T

OhComeOnFFS · 18/10/2023 15:27

I'm really glad the dad is stepping up. It sounds as though he's behaved really badly with you though.

fulawitt · 18/10/2023 15:39

It's your wedding, it's not their day sorry.

Goldfish41 · 18/10/2023 15:40

ThirdDressStress · 18/10/2023 12:18

I think it will be very upsetting for the kids. I want to do what's best for them but it's hard to know if I am just being selfish.

Mum and dad can't be in the same place but our whole family are there so someone else could hand over.

I can just see it now, two kids crying and running off. Family member upset and crying in the loos, dh side of the family not having a clue what is going on and me the bride stuck in the middle.

I sound like such a spoilt bridzilla I know but that is not how I want to start married life.

You really don’t sound like a spoilt bridezilla! Your concerns are completely reasonable and it sounds like a potential nightmare all round.

I thought a PP’s suggestion about making clear to the dad you won’t be able to supervise was a good one - also completely true and he probably need to know that.

Original poster
ThirdDressStress · 18/10/2023 15:46

Well dad replied that the children understand why there is no contact at the moment and he will ask them if they want to go to the wedding.

They are 5 & 6 for crying out loud.

I did make it absolutely clear that I personally won't be supervising which he didn't comment on.

So just gonna wait and see what he comes back with. Hopefully he will see sense that it's not really good for them. Otherwise I will be back asking for more advice!

OP posts:
Redpaisley · 18/10/2023 15:48

HarpieDuJour · 18/10/2023 13:36

I agree, the mum should be the one not to go to the wedding. It's so important for the children to be able to maintain family relationships, and they are too young to manage this by themselves.

I might even go as far as uninviting the mum, and inviting the dad to stay with the children.

Show quote history

Inviting the dad, who OP says, is a habitual liar and twists things. When because of this OP has to record all communication with him?
We don't know the details. But this dad is coming across as controlling, punishing children and mother by not allowing contact because she missed one time for a reason he deemed not good enough.

If OP says kids will be distressed to leave mum at wedding due to no contacts, looks like kids value contact with mum more than seeing their cousins, if there are any.

BoohooWoohoo · 18/10/2023 16:02

That doesn't sound good OP. The kids will probably want to see mum and the rest of the extended family (including you) and won't understand how shit it will be to say goodbye early. 😢

WhatNoRaisins · 18/10/2023 17:41

The only way I could see this working is a designated family member who can supervise the children for the whole day and support emotionally when needed. Obviously not you the bride. I'm guessing that their dad isn't going to be onboard with them staying longer though and I think it would be upsetting to have to go home before the fun begins.

Original poster
ThirdDressStress · 18/10/2023 17:53

WhatNoRaisins · 18/10/2023 17:41

The only way I could see this working is a designated family member who can supervise the children for the whole day and support emotionally when needed. Obviously not you the bride. I'm guessing that their dad isn't going to be onboard with them staying longer though and I think it would be upsetting to have to go home before the fun begins.

He has said absolutely not to staying later. He had compromised to before the wedding breakfast instead of half way through but he wouldn't agree to after as it's too long to get home.

OP posts:
Mumma2016 · 18/10/2023 19:11

If Dad has made the decision that mum is no longer having contact with the children until court then this will be very confusing for them and also at a wedding supervision level will not be as high due to amount of people. (Unsure of risks)
Having supervision responsibilities is hard and I think you will find it hard to relax worrying about the handover.
As much as you would love to have the children at your day there's a huge potential with suspended contact they might find it to hard.x

Antst · 18/10/2023 19:25

DogInATent · 18/10/2023 14:21

You're missing an very important point, but its ok because the OP is ignoring it to.

The OP's sister is not allowed unsupervised contact with her children for the safety/wellbeing of the children. There is a court order in place. The OP is the designated supervisor.

The OP cannot be the bride and designated supervisor of the contact at her own wedding, and cannot farm out the responsibility to other family members.

The children and the sister should never have been invited to the same event in the first place without stopping to consider the court order. When the father picks up the children has never been relevant to the problem. The problem has been the OP forgetting about the court order and her role as contact supervisor seriously when planning her wedding.

Families. They're complicated. Being a contact supervisor is a serious responsibility.

Show quote history

You're right--I have no idea what's allowed under the conditions of the court order. I assumed that "supervise" would be covered by the OP's presence at the same event as the children and their mother.

WhatNoRaisins · 18/10/2023 19:40

I'd assume if there's enough time and the father was ok with it that you could potentially designate another official supervisor. Obviously doesn't sound like those two things apply here.

OP I'd let this go. You obviously care about these children but I don't see how you can make this happen.

converseandjeans · 18/10/2023 20:11

I would do a mini party for family which includes the children - a tea party type thing. I don't think it's best plan to have them there on the day if you normally supervise the contact.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 18/10/2023 20:33

ThirdDressStress · 18/10/2023 17:53

He has said absolutely not to staying later. He had compromised to before the wedding breakfast instead of half way through but he wouldn't agree to after as it's too long to get home.

Show quote history

Is an overnight stay with another family member an option? Possibly not if they haven't done this before and all your close family will have roles in your wedding. I rather think father doesn't much care about distressing the children, definitely isn't bothered about disrupting your wedding (due to their distress).

butterpuffed · 18/10/2023 20:48

Millybob · 18/10/2023 13:26

I'd uninvite your druggy sister instead.

I guess it gives you a bit of a kick to try and cause trouble . Sad .

littlemousebigcheese · 18/10/2023 21:28

Toughest thing would be if they are looking forward to it; being that young they won't really understand that it might be in their best interests. It might also seem like a punishment; they don't get to see their mum and now her family aren't seeing them?! Do they want to come? My 6 year old would be gutted to suddenly be told she couldn't go somewhere like this. She wouldn't understand the complexities around the situation

Starseeking · 18/10/2023 21:35

You can't be responsible for supervising the children at your own wedding, surely the Dad can see that???

If they do attend, and personally I think if they aren't able to spend the whole day with their mum/family, it will be too upsetting for them, there needs to be one designated person who takes responsibility for the children, not all the siblings will keep an eye, as the children are too young for that.

HJ1007 · 18/10/2023 22:18

Now of course I don't know all the details, but based off of what I read and just in general, I think you should not uninvite them. Let them come. It's what they were expecting and let that be followed through with. Also let's be thankful that the dad is still allowing them to go as well. It would be a great opportunity for them to see their mom. And I don't feel that it would be a disaster like you think it will be. That is my opinion and I hope you have a great wedding! Let the kids come!

HJ1007 · 18/10/2023 22:20

I agree except for I don't think it's going to be a disaster like she thinks it's going to. Let them follow through with their original plans and see their mom. Thank the dad for allowing them to come and have an excellent memorable day

HJ1007 · 18/10/2023 22:23

I disagree. We're only talking about a few weeks for Christ sakes

HJ1007 · 18/10/2023 22:26

Actually quite the opposite I believe! I don't believe he's trying to be a dick at all in fact I think he's trying to be cordial and allow what he already committed to. Plus I believe it's important for the children

HJ1007 · 18/10/2023 22:27

Exactly! That's what I wrote about, that that was the plan so let's follow through. I think that's the most important thing and I really don't know but I don't think it's going to be a disaster like you think it might be. And I think it's great that the dad is still allowing it. I don't think the kids are going to get upset because it's only been a few weeks since they've seen their mom. I don't think that's going to be confusing to them. It seems like they're probably already used to this kind of situation. And the wedding is for the aunt or whoever she is to the children. It's a family event and I think it's great if they go