to uninvite these children to my wedding.

[ThirdDressStress]

Ok this is messy. I have a family member who has supervised contact with her children, me being the supervisor. All fine, it ticks along and the children are invited to my wedding in a few weeks with their mum (my family member) then dad will collect them.

Firstly dad was being awkward around times and wanted to collect them in the middle of the wedding breakfast. We reached a compromise that he would collect them before the wedding breakfast because he felt afterwards would be too late (there is a long journey home so he's not being unreasonable).

Now we have a situation where dad has decided to stop contact. I won't comment on whether or not I agree with this as it's not really relevant. He has said mum will have to go back to court to reestablish contact. Now this is not going to be a fast process.

So very selfishly of me - Dad has said the kids are still ok to go to the wedding - however I am concerned that seeing mum after no contact for a couple of weeks is going to be confusing to the children and they are going t be very upset when they have to leave knowing they won't see mum again until who knows when.

I really don't want a scene at the wedding, I don't want my family member being upset or young children being dragged away in distress. It will be awful for them, for my family member, for me and everyone else at the wedding to witness.

If i uninvite them I will be the ad guy but I think it's in their best interest to? Or would it be a nice opportunity to see their mum?

The children are 5 & 6.

I assume and I should have checked this really - but I assume at the wedding we would all (siblings) be expected to keep an eye out. There are enough of us that she wouldn't be unsupervised at any point but you are all absolutely right that I should have clarified that from the start that I couldn't be responsible for supervising.

I would also second the idea of having a get together for the kids and your family on a different day.

As for them potentially being upset at missing the wedding - could their dad/family member organise a nice alternative for them on that day? Could they be taken somewhere exciting for a treat, so they have something to look forward to or remember?

I have so many feelings around their mum and the situation. Life is never black and white and people fuck up for many many reasons.

I can absolutely both love my family member whilst hating her choices and lifestyle.

I am in intensive therapy or who knows I could have ended up in her position. We all have our stuff to deal with.

Incredibly difficult, and I agree that the children shouldn't be there. Thank him for having accommodated your timings thus far, but contact having been stopped does change things somewhat and you are not able to fulfil that supervisory role adequately.

I think I’d say that stopping contact is his right as primary parent but you can’t act as the designated supervisor/responsible adult at your wedding. So it’s best that they don’t attend

This, I think.

And make sure the Mum knows.

A wedding is the worst possible place for this kind of “reunion” (well maybe a funeral would be worse, but it’s a very formal environment and not one where upsets are really a good idea)

I think you should probably uninvite all.of them. It's your wedding and you are getting stressed about something that isn't really your problem

No way OP, this is your day, and you don't want any dramas caused by your relatives obviously incompetent parenting and the fallout from upset children. It's one day when you want to be enjoying yourself. It sounds like you do a lot for these family members as it is.

Thanks all - I have outlined to dad that I am a bit worried and would appreciate his thoughts on it.

No reply as yet so an anxious wait

It will either be - yea I see what you mean, I agree it's probably best they don't attend.

Or

Wow you are leaving them out, it's not their fault their mum is #$*%!€ you can all fuck off none of you are ever seeing them again. Your all the same, bunch of rats.

And there is absolutely no way to call which way it will go.

Uninvite their Mum instead, sounds like the problems are on her side and unfortunately there are consequences to things. Do the kids know about the wedding? If they know, I'd let them go still. But tell their Mum she can only arrive after the wedding breakfast.

You sound very caring and thoughtful.

I think the answer has already been said, the children will not really miss out by not being there and you could have a separate celebration where they can be there.

I hope your family situation and your family member improve very soon.

But you are not exactly uninviting them. The situation had changed (dramatically) since you originally invited them.
It would have been a lovely occasion for them. Now will be confusing and potentially distressing. Surely anyone would agree attending would not be in their best interests

Sorry OP, that sounds like a horribly anxious wait until he replies 😕

This is a very difficult situation. Although they have not had contact with mum, it appears they haver regular contact with you and the rest of the family. From this perspective, I wonder if they would feel left because all the rest of the cousin will be there. On the flip side, it may be strange and upsetting for them to see their mum on the wedding day.

I'd uninvite your druggy sister instead.

If the children already know about the wedding and know they can see their mum, taking it away could be really damaging to them. How long is the gap in contact? How often is it before it ceased? None of it is ideal but life is messy and what is important is the kids needs and expectations are placed centrally, they need to be able to trust that what adults tell them is true, and by changing your mind for the best of reasons may tell them that none of you can be trusted

@ThirdDressStress - you sound very fair and considerate, trying not to take sides when posting here and I can see why you were given supervision rights. From what you have said in your posts, though it does sound like the neither of the parents of these children are good parents to their children, one way or the other and for different reasons.

If there has been a court order allowing the Mother supervised contact, then the Father should NOT be breaking that court order without going back to the Courts. Doesn't matter what the reason is. I agree it won't be a quick resolution - but has the Mother already taken steps to go back to court? Has she seen a solicitor to speed up the process? If not, then she should do so ASAP, for her children's sake. Even if she has problems, the kids do need to have contact with her, unless there are good reasons for her not to do so - and their Father is too close to the situation, to be the one who decides that

Having said that, I hope you get a sensible answer from the Father. I'm glad you have worded it asking him for his thoughts, rather than telling him. Fingers crossed it will be ok

As a recovering alcoholic and assuming there's something similar going on with your family member, can I personally acknowledge how loving your attitude and understanding for your family member is. She's not a bad person, she sick. Keep trying to get her to engage but - and this is a big but - don't shield her from the impact of her actions.

We often need a rock bottom to spark recovery so sometimes letting people fall is what actually saves them.

I hope you have a wonderful wedding day.

This. You may look like the bad guy, but it's your wedding. Put yourself first on this occasion.

Thank you for your kind words I am really trying.

There is a court order, dad is saying mum broke the order by not attending contact for a reason he believes is not good enough. So he is withdrawing contact on that basis.

I have encouraged my sister to speak to her solicitor but she hasn't yet. She is really struggling mentally at the moment and I am treading carefully to encourage her without overwhelming her.

I agree you sound kind and caring and non judgemental OP - and we know in this world being non judgemental is the hardest path of all,


From what you have said it sounds like it would absolutely NOT be in the interests of the children to see their mother in this context.

Please put it like that to dad - he will have to think it through - you can promise him a separate celebration for the children. Or he can rethink withdrawing contact.

I agree, the mum should be the one not to go to the wedding. It's so important for the children to be able to maintain family relationships, and they are too young to manage this by themselves.

I might even go as far as uninviting the mum, and inviting the dad to stay with the children.

I agree with this too. I am in Scotland and was a member of the Children's Panel for a number of years https://www.chscotland.gov.uk/ for those who don't know what it is.

Saw so many people in these situations, who absolutely loved their children, but their problems were so great that in spite of all their efforts, they couldn't provide stable, caring homes for their children and eventually, after all avenues of help failed, there was no other option but to remove the children permanently. I never felt anything but compassion for those parents.

A large wedding and no specific person is not supervision. Someone needs to be designated.

im honestly surprised the plan wasn’t just for him to attend the full wedding with the children.

There is no way dad would be invited to the wedding. He has stepped up in regards to the kids but he has been physically violent to me personally in the past.

Told lies to my employer resulting in me being investigated at work.

Locked me in his house and not let me out

Callled the police and tried telling them I am attacking him (absolutely not the case) I am far from a violent person.

I would absolutely not have this man at my wedding. I am civil and as friendly as possible because I don't want to lose the kids from my life but even I have limits.