Do I have unreasonable expectations of SAHP role?

[Babysharkdodo123]

Currently on mat leave with 4 month old. 22 month old in nursery couple of days as no family around to help and wanted to keep routine.

Dog needed to go to vets this morning for routine boosters so I asked DH if he could take her as i would have to juggle both kids and dog. Appointment at 8.30am so before work. He said no "why couldn't I do it as he was at work earning the money" (for ref I only get SMP).

I then got asked what I was doing today (meeting friends new baby) which was met with "oh, I thought you could get through some of the laundry".

So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours? If I was at work and DCs in nursery then no one would be home to do all of these jobs so they'd have to be shared out. Just because I'm on mat leave I don't think it should be expected that I do everything and DH wakes up, leaves and earns money.

This!

I was a FT SAHM for year then PT for a few years, the housework/food/washing took an hour at the day most - what on earth was I mean to be doing if not relaxing or caring for my child? caring for my child did not take a full 7 hours

so what are people doing when they work from that is equivalent to an approx. 40 work week?

I am exactly the same. I think what threw me is the OP puts the toddler in childcare so on those days there is a lot more time even if baby is in sling to do some chores and I initially read the expectation she shouldn't do any.

How were chores split the first time you went back from maternity leave?

Yanbu. When I was on Mat leave we really struggled to get the cat to her routine jabs vet app. We were about five months late! Which is really unlike us. Taking an animal and baby to the vets would be impossible unless it’s in walking distance maybe. Also would you even be able to? The only possible way to do any chores would probably be a sling, but I didn’t like doing any kitchen chores with baby attached to me in case I dropped a knife or something heavy. Also it’s easier to run round without a baby on you. We did the bare minimum for months.

I agree with this. Why do young SAHMs think all they have to do is look after the children and nothing else? I have actually read threads on here with people moaning about their mothers or MILs (let's be honest, it's often MILs), saying what great lives they had, they stayed home when they had young children, blah blah blah. Maybe they did, but I can guarantee that they were doing all the household stuff as well as looking after the children (and sometimes had evening or weekend jobs).

The idea that one partner can be working for a whole day while the other one swans around, visiting friends, sending one child off to nursery, and doesn't have time to do anything else is just nuts. And yes, the same should apply if the SAHP is a male.

Well I’d have taken the dog and the baby, and did many times so don’t see the issue. Yes it’s easier without a toddler in tow but I think if you wanted your DH to take time off to do that without discussing then you’re being unreasonable. It would probably be easier to go late evening, last appointment. I’m super busy right now so if someone who was at home all day asked me to take time off for that I’d say that I could do it at a time of my convenience and would have to rebook.

re housework, yes I would expect someone on Mat leave (once over newborn period) to do most of the housework, and putting some laundry in isn’t exactly tough work. But the way he said it, unfair. He’s clearly having a dig and thinks you’ve got it easy on Mat leave.

Yanbu

Gosh there's a lot of judgement going on here. We have no idea about how each parent is finding transitioning to being parents to two DC or how much housework OP is doing during the day. She is just asking whether during non office hours is the house maintenance, admin jobs, general life tasks still all on her or should her DP also take a role.

I'm astounded how many women are still under the illusion we live in the 1950s, I'm astounded how little thought we give ourselves whilst lifting up paid work on a pedestal, and I'm also astounded how, when there is not shared responsibility whilst one parent is a SAHP, people are then surprised when it falls to the mum when she goes back to work after mat leave?!

For this specific example I'd say OPs job looks different now and, in the same way as when she was doing paid work, prioritisation needs to take place. Kids first, housework and life admin second. If there's space in the day to do housework and life admin then that can be done within reason (don't go killing herself and end up resenting DP / spiralling about how much there is to do). However we all know that plans don't really work when regulating two small humans. The vet appt time could have been discussed before making it to avoid assumptions from both parties about who would take the dog. Neither is in a good position too as it would be difficult for DP depending on the flexibility of his job and start time, and it would be difficult for OP as she will be managing an animal and two humans at an early time in the day.

In short YANBU and we should be supporting each other more. Not pulling each other down to the expectations of our grandmas.

Assuming you have a washing machine and a dryer or enough space to dry clothes either inside or out, then doing laundry is such an easy chore that it is odd that a married couple are arguing about it.

Childcare can be incredibly demanding, particularly when sleep deprived, but it also can be fairly easy with mornings spent meeting friends and afternoons watching DVDs (I might be showing my age, it is probably streaming on tablets now or something I am unaware of). So it depends.

It takes time getting used to the second child, but if you can get them both to a coffee shop you can get them both to the vets. The problem there seems to be the time. 8.30am was asking for trouble. Just as children vary, jobs vary. In my job I wouldn't have known 2 weeks in advance whether I could do a 8.30am vets appointment. I had to be flexible at the start of the day. But luckily my partner did the same job so we knew what was doable and sensible and what wasn't. So it depends.

Maternity leave isn't being a SAHP FFS!

I only have one DC, but once she started being able to move I couldn't do vets visits with her (lively dog and lively toddler, almost impossible to keep them both safe), so two and a dog I can imagine being really difficult.

I work PT and mostly from home, so I do do most of the washing etc. But the days I have the toddler, sometimes I might get housework done if she's in a mood to "help", sometimes it's impossible because she's clingy or running around like a hurricane etc. When I was on mat leave I did more because I did it while she was napping and it meant DH could come in and have his time with her. Now, we share it all. If it needs doing, one of us does it. End of.

Sorry but you're really lazy. Showing your kids how to keep a clean house is part of raising them. You don't show your kids that life is just playing all day and going our for coffee with your mates. Let your kids see the house get cleaned and smell fresh from first thing. Let them see an empty laundry basket. Not just you plonked on the sofa playing with their rattle and eating their rusks.

I wfh and yes I do chores for a bit during my lunch break. When I work in the office I go to the post office/ return library books etc 🤷‍♀️ Your dh should have dropped the dog to the vet, Job + wife on maternity leave does not mean he gets to act like a 1950s husband.

This is ridiculous.

Why isn't your dog heel trained and walking on a lead appropriately?

I'd be able to take my staff and my DDB to the vet together, with any of my babies or toddlers.

Why are you people's kids and dogs so badly behaved?

I'm amazed that someone at home putting a load of laundry on gains cries of "1950's".

If I went by some of this thread DH and I did shared parental leave all wrong. We both managed to load the dishwasher or put the washing on whilst looking after DC. We both had days where nothing was done before DC were hard work, our house was far from spotless, but I don't think either of us would have been impressed if the general message was that making memories is more important than cleaning. DC don't seem to be ruined for life because we hung some washing on the line instead of ensuring there's a packed day of enriching activities from birth.

"It takes time getting used to the second child, but if you can get them both to a coffee shop you can get them both to the vets."

Key message.

Maybe you could arrange shared parental leave and let your dp spend a month at home whilst you return to work?
You’ve got 2 babies and a dog. Life will be busy. It does sound a bit like you’re scoring points - why on earth did you arrange a non urgent vets appointment at such a bad time for him to have to take the dog? A simple conversation would have been helpful! ‘Hey DP, dog’s vaccination is due, can you take him?’ Would have solved that issue.
My guess is that the laundry is piling up hence the comment about it. It happens! However, what you both do about it is important. Perhaps if you’re so adamant that you’re not doing it in the week as you’re looking after the baby, one day at the weekend he could spend looking after them whilst you get it all done? Or are you expecting him to do it instead of spending quality time with the babies?
You both need to sit down and sort this out before it becomes a massive issue.

I think the arsey response was probably because the dog was booked for at ridiculous time then dumped on him

as for other stuff irrespective if it was my wife or me the one at home has always done the lions share of not all of the house stuff

YANBU though loads of posters will suggest you are.

Maternity leave and SAHPing doesn't come with a job description so people will approach it completely differently. For some, it's a menial role where you focus first and foremost on domestic chores and keeping in top of the children/cooking/daily load. They often see childcare as quite a passive activity and are lucky enough to have babies and children that don't demand an insane amount of attention. They spout things like 'put the baby in the baby chair and let her watch you unload the dishwasher' or 'clean the bathroom whilst the toddler plays nicely'. They think SAHPing involves loads of 'leisure'/'relaxing' time because they don't ever attempt to do too much with the children and don't have a baby that they literally can't put down.

SAHPing and Maternity Leave can be all consuming. If you have a baby that wants to be continually held and an intense toddler that needs constant input. It's also about the childcare standards you set for yourself. If you are keen to socialise the children through taking them to clubs, making sure they get out and about every day and giving them new experiences then it is obviously going to be infinitely harder to get housework done than if you were to rarely leave the house.

The idea that expending energy looking after your children and enriching their lives is 'lazy' whilst prioritising housework is admirable is ridiculous. It is all rooted in misogyny and women proving their worth to men. Devoting your energy and time towards your kids doesn't help your partner whilst doing all the chores saves him time. Once again, sadly, it all boils down to men and what value women add to them.

If my husband dared ask me what I was doing today, checking up on my productivity and making suggestions about domestic shit I ‘should’ be doing, like he’s my fucking manager, I’d be straight back to work.

Two small children don't require 24/7 attention. Socialising isn't a chore. I don't understand why some people stress over laundry or housework.
Why leave everything and then play the let's divide game when the other arrives home?
Madness.

"They spout things like 'put the baby in the baby chair and let her watch you unload the dishwasher' or 'clean the bathroom whilst the toddler plays nicely'. They think SAHPing involves loads of 'leisure'/'relaxing' time because they don't ever attempt to do too much with the children and don't have a baby that they literally can't put down."

Your baby won't learn to be put down unless you teach them. You can get a sling which helps you carry a baby while doing work. You can encourage your child to be confident out of your arms but within sight.

Keeping a clean and tidy organised home is how you make time and space to do fun things with your kids while still teaching them the skills needed to be clean and lead a home.

If you where a sahm the whole time while he either then o would say most if the household chores would be your but as you are on maternity leave then your “ job “ is recover and take care of the baby

The thing with me is that I'd WANT to be on top of all the laundry and cleaning. When my dc were small , I'd get up and do everything house related ( took an hour max) then get on with my day. I also had them a year apart and could always shower and eat AND get some down time, never had to replace one with the other. Think you need to manage your time better.
Oh and as for the dog that's his job